In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

I got to the bit where Thorin threatens Bilbo with a sword because he thinks Bilbo has the Arkansawchugabug. Actually Bilbo looked like he had stuffed it up his bum because he had a very constipated look on his face. I couldnt take any more.

oh Laketown Laketown how it was defiled.
There were orcs invading on the rooftops, Bofur searching for Athelas in a PIG's FOOD TROUGH     
totally defiled the Whole romance of Athelas in one fell swoop.   

Bard (or the wooden acting of wotshisface) was turned into a charmless oaf. Bard was THE most tedious character probably of all. Totally without personality or interest. He had one expression the Whole time, his kids were pale wimps, charmless widgets. really boring to boot achingly bum numbingly boring Laketown

Call me crazy, but I like how Bard basically came out of nowhere in the book.

yeah me too.

I hate to mention it but Legolas has a 5 minute battle with Bolg in Laketown on his own because Tauriel is off healing Kili, anyhoo Leggy takes on all the orcs and naturally kills them all singlehanded, leaving showdown time with Bolg. Bolg kicks Leggys ass and *shock horror* makes Leggys nose bleed. Leggy looks down on the blood and gets really steamed up and chases Bolg outta town.

I am not making this shit up, it really happened.   

This sounds horrendous- where is everyone else in laketown, like the guards, when this is going on?

Wow. But, I have to admit, even a nosebleed is surprising.

I don't think bringing logic into the equation helps, Petty.

  

Petty the place is deserted. nobody about. Just orcs and superLeggy.

nearly forgot. that naughty Sauron fries Gandalfs staff. literally. and we see him in his armour thingy, actually we see him
1)black cloud
2)in armour like LOTR
3)Eye on fire
ALL in the space of seconds.
srsly fucked up stuff.

Ugh. My head hurts.

You are probably right Blue- its jut surely one of the reasons for building your town on a lake is greater safety and less likelihood of people just creeping up on you- hard to imagine a bunch of orcs sneaking in and having a fight quiet enough noone else notices!

"Petty the place is deserted. nobody about."

Are there no guards on the rooftops watching for say, bands of roaming orcs paddling towards the town? Does noone wake up at ll the noise? {{PJ!!! You sir, are a tit! }}}

"Sauron fries Gandalfs staff."


That seems like a two fingered salute to all those who hated the witchking doing the same. Ringdrotten will be very crabbit indeed!

Well, finally it's over..

Like Figg, I wanted to leave, and that before I had watched an hour of it. I didn't, though, as I went with friends and didn't want to be the asshole (it's saying a lot about my character that I kept my mouth shut during the entire film, if I may say so myself). Beorn is reduced to nothing, there's absolutely nothing left from the book except a name. Mirkwood is bright with daylight and here also there is nothing from the book except the place itself and a few faint shadows of the original story. The barrel ride is worse than feared, no less than a disgrace. The side story with Gandalf is pointless and adds nothing to DOS itself, though it surely must be an important build-up to the third film. As in RotK, Gandalf is once again reduced to an old weakling as he is very nearly defeated by Azog, and Sauron looks like an inflamed vagina (and yes, I do in fact know what inflamed means - this description has nothing to do with the flames that engulf him).

Laketown looks good, true enough, but it is not Laketown. It's a slum. Neither does it help that it is overrun by orcs shortly after the dwarves leave. How lucky that Leggy the Ninja and Tauriel the Tramp followed the dwarves so they could save Laketown. Leggy even managed to find himself a horse there, good lad. The original storyline is cut from months to weeks and days. Peter Jackson has every opportunity to keep the flow from the book when he chooses to let the film last for nearly three hours, but everything is rushed to make room for all the added bullshit. The time lapse between the dwarves' arrival at Laketown (and you may safely dread the moment when you see how the Coven improved that) to when they leave for The Lonely Mountain is reduced to a two-day rush in order to get there in time for Durin's day. Most of Bilbo's dialogue with Smaug is gone and replaced with page upon page with new and "better material".

Surprisingly, Tauriel is not the worst idea the Coven has had, not by a long shot - she drowns in all the other shit the writers spray all over Tolkien's work. The writers are constantly trying to improve on Tolkien, reinventing and rewriting everything. They are stuck in their own clichés from LotR and AUJ and are hopelessly incapable of writing something new. "You were tracking a company of 13 dwarves" - wow, they reused their TT script, hearken to the sound of my golfclap. Too many examples of this sort of rewriting for me to bother to mention them, but it should give you guys an idea of what to expect. The writing is at an all-time low in DOS.

Cumberbatch is truly an awesome Smaug with what he is given to work with, but what does that help when the majority of it is shit. The Master of Laketown is changed, but in a way I didn't mind and Stephen Fry's performance stands out, as does Freeman's, but he is given so few scenes to show it that you simply are surprised when you see a scene in which Bilbo contributes in a meaningful way, or contributes at all. "The Hobbit" my ass - this is not and has never been a film about Bilbo.

I will not even bother to point out the places where the film deviates from the book - there is not a page of it left in the film. The places are there, and so are the characters, but every single event and dialogue is invented anew. I will sound like a child and an a**hole saying this, but I don't care: I despise this film, I despise Jackson and I despise the writers. I will never forgive them this travesty that is their attempt at improving Tolkien in every possible way. I think it was Radaghast who said he would not watch the film - don't do it. I won't watch the third. Jackson said it himself, he is not making The Hobbit, and the sooner any person who loved the book for what it was realises that, the better.

I had not intended for this post to become as incoherent and messy as it did, but I don't care much about it. I had to vent some rage and disappointment. The fact that I am, more than anything else, disappointed is saying a lot, as I went in with no expectations and a forgiving mindset. There is nothing for you here to salvage, Petty - you made a good movie out of AUJ, but that is how far you will get. FUCK this.

fu/ow#qi`=(")=#/!()%/"9+21uyb57pv 8ylqh<NIq FUCK YUOU JACKSON

just wait until we get to Erebor. The ridiculousness is without parallel

Ringdrotten wrote:fu/ow#qi`=(")=#/!()%/"9+21uyb57pv 8ylqh<NIq FUCK YUOU JACKSON

 

Another challenger for the "Most crabbit" award.  

 

There is nothing for you here to salvage, Petty- Ringdrotten

Yes, I feared that was the case.  A mess too far.   

Even I am slightly surprised its actually as bad as I thought it might be (hell I think its even worse than I thought it might be)



Another challenger for the "Most crabbit" award.- Blue


I still have a review to give yet!  

I totally understand your feelings Ringo, I choose to ridicule the crap because the altrnative is to get angry and this shit doesnt deserve anger but disdain and contempt.

The Whole thing is one giant fuckfest and an insult to Tolkien.

Ringdrotten wrote:I will not even bother to point out the places where the film deviates from the book - there is not a page of it left in the film. The places are there, and so are the characters, but every single event and dialogue is invented anew. I will sound like a child and an a**hole saying this, but I don't care: I despise this film, I despise Jackson and I despise the writers. I will never forgive them this travesty that is their attempt at improving Tolkien in every possible way. I think it was Radaghast who said he would not watch the film - don't do it. I won't watch the third. Jackson said it himself, he is not making The Hobbit, and the sooner any person who loved the book for what it was realises that, the better.=

Yes, it was me and I see nothing childish or asshole-y about your statement. At ALL

Also, yeah, more and more I'm getting the feeling that watching this movie will only make me angry and feel sick. I've already had enough of PJ to last me several lifetimes.

Great review by the way Ringo.   

Quite impressed you even got to the cinema in that weather.   

Mrs Figg wrote:just wait until we get to Erebor. The ridiculousness is without parallel

Well, Norc gave us some idea of that, but I'm guessing there are some details left to be disclosed...

The Whole thing is one giant fuckfest and an insult to Tolkien.- Mrs Figg


Well at least there is a silver lining- a PJ film we can agree on Mrs Figg!

It is far worse than even you could ever think it would be, because it has been impossible to predict how little of the book would remain. Like I say, there is next to nothing there, it's two or three hours of made up fiction (and I will not call it fan-fiction because these people are not fans). I am so angry now I have adrenaline pumping through my body (partly my own fault, worked myself up writing my "review"). It's that feeling you get when somebody tries to punch you and you're all ready to punch back. That's the feeling I'm having now. This film was utter SHIT and I will let a good long time pass before I watch the LotR trilogy again, in the hope that I will forget most of what I saw tonight and perhaps I can still be able to enjoy what these people made before they caved in to insanity.

It's crazy, but I almost feel the LotR movies are a haven from this latest swill.

They are, at least, salvageable, as PT has demonstrated.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:

That seems like  a two fingered salute to all those who hated the witchking doing the same. Ringdrotten will be very crabbit indeed!

You have no idea how much it took to restrain myself watching that, my Scotshobbit friend. I got to stop rambling now before I say things I will regret, but the disappointment is unfathomable, and I didn't even think that possible