In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

 

Oh my. It wasn't the laugh riot you were expecting?

ok here we go. stream of consciousnesswotsit...
The first half of the film is watchable, but as soon as they get into Laketown it all goes to pot.
There were some nice scenes, maybe three or four. I mean the cinematography was nice. The colours were much better, it looked much better aesthetically than AUJ.
Mirkwood was the best bit, this is where Martin Freeman did his best acting.
BUT.
There was a scene in Mirkwood that made me angry and disgusted. I know why they did it, but it was truly fucking awful. Bilbo gets a murderous rage and kills a harmless? creature just because it steps on the Ring. I know it was to show the corrupting power of the Ring that is creeping over Bilbo, but the Ring shouldnt be foreshadowed at all, but this was just one of MANY MANY Ring related crap. I hated that scene.
Legolas oh dear god Legolas he is truly an arrogant asshole in this film, he is Leggy super hero and it gets tiring really quickly.
Tauriel and Kili *facepalm* thats all I can say, its sickeningly sweet.
I did like a few scenes.
1) Bilbo above the forest canopy looking at butterflies was very very very lovely. colours *swoony*
2) Gandalf goes to DolGoonies and meets Sauron, sounds crap, it was crap, but it looked good. The shadowy effects are derivative and it looked like Dumbledore and Voldemort at one point but it looked quite impressive.
3) they run over a field of flowers to Beorns hall, it was beautiful, and the big bees were great.
erm-- yeah.. barrel rides...phew.. er.lost for words really.. suppose it was cool in a very silly way but nothing special and yet again Legolas looks like a dick balancing his feet on two Dwarves heads mid stream *facepalm* again.
Laketown, boring boring boring, Smaug ok for five minutes and thats where I left, the heroic wheelbarrows was too much.

Yeah, sounds typically PJ. Spider-Man's got nothing on Legolas

Is an orc prisoner really executed (according to one review)?

poor Beorn gets 5 minutes, is very underused but he wasnt very memorable anyway.
Azog and Bolg The Boring get more 'screen time' than Bilbo.
Its all about Sauron.
oh yeah the first person you see onscreen is PJ munching on a carrot.
Tauriel heals Kili and does the most wimpy non event Elven shiny thing evah, theres loads of that kind of LOTR rip off scenes done badly.
Balin was the best Dwarven actor by a mile.

Radaghast wrote:Yeah, sounds typically PJ. Spider-Man's got nothing on Legolas

Is an orc prisoner really executed (according to one review)?

yes Thranduil chops his head off.   

So, both father and son are creepy d-bags, I guess?

You walked out, Figg?  

Colour me impressed.

You should have filmed it and sent it to Peter Jackson.   

Ouch. That's all I can say, Mrs Figg!

{{{Great crabbit review though. }}}

I will try to get all the details if you want I can do a blow by blow but only if you dont mind spoilers.

Go Figgy ! Go Figgy !

scene opens, we are in Bree dark and wet night.
PJ stumbles out munching a carrot.
A small wet figure walks into the Prancing Pony, its Thorin, he takes a seat surrounded by villanous looking men. Two of them look at him in a menacing fashion, they are just rising to challenge him when Gandalf sits at the table. The two villains slope off into the night.
Gandalf introduces himself, Thorin says he has heard of him. Gandalf tells Thorin he is not there by chance, that Thorin must go to the Lonely Mountain to reclaim his Kingdom, that Gandalf is uneasy about Smaug and the growing shadow.
The present time....
Bilbo and the Dwarves are in a dark Wilderness (actually the lighting and colours in this scene are very good) Bilbo is on the lookout, he sees a huge Bear like shape in the distance and hears a roar, he runs to the Others but they wont let him finish his sentence, he tells them to be quiet, and tells them theres something out there, not orcs, thats following them.
Gandalf says, is it Bear shaped and bilbo says yes.
Gandalf says either this creature will kill them or help them but he doesnt know which.

Oh fook, here we go !    

Sweet merciful crap.

Obviously instead of the book introduction to Beorn they all run hell for leather while Beorn rushes at them from the forest, he looks like a warebear. They run into the hall, strangely on the way there PJ has the time to show us a beautifully cgi-ed bumble Bee in flight. They all rush in to the hall and lock the door. Gandalf tells them to sleep, but the Dwarves are all afraid. there are what looks like mechanical heffers in a barn with lots of straw, the animals dont talk. Beorn outside does a very dreary transformation from warebear to sonic the hedgehog.
Bilbo wakes up (time for more big cgi Bees on his nose ) hearing the door open and Beorn walks in and Beorn is sonic the hedgehog. The Dwarves and Bilbo sit round a table and Beorn basically says he doesnt like Dwarves but he dislikes orcs even more because GET THIS!!!! the skin changers were all turned into SLAVES and HUNTED by orcs for fun. He has an iron shackle on his wrist  get this.. still on his wrist..... 

Bilbo asks him if there are any other skin changers, Beorn says just one. him.
The Dwarves and Bilbo all have ponies from Beorn, they get to the outskirts of Mirkwood, theres an crumbled Elven entrance, suddenly Gandalf gets an Elven Skype from Galadriel telling him to go check out DolGoonies cos theres trouble t' mill. so he Leaves them telling them to KEEP ON THE PATH. duh! ok.
Mirkwood is pretty groovy and thats because it makes them trip. There must be shroom spores in the air.

Mrs Figg wrote:The Dwarves and Bilbo sit round a table and Beorn basically says he doesnt like Dwarves but he dislikes orcs even more because GET THIS!!!! the skin changers were all turned into SLAVES and HUNTED by orcs for fun. He has an iron shackle on his wrist  get this.. still on his wrist..... 

Seriously: Fuck you, Peter Jackson   x infinity.

Mirkwood is great, very claustrophobic and trippy hippy, they try to follow the path but it ends on a Cliff, they go round in circles for a bit, then Bilbo sees a ray of sunlight up in the trees and he decides to climb up (good bit follows) then he calls down to the Dwarves but they have all been captured by spiders. Then Bilbo is captured too and wrapped up in a cocoon. Just as a spider stands over him he kills it with his sword, then he puts on his ring and suddenly he can hear the spiders talking. he kills some more and gets to name his sword Sting (there follows a large section I )
HATE
I actually really like spiders in real life, and I never kill them, I find them useful and interesting creatures so watching them be slaughtered really upset me. I know they were about to eat the Dwarves, but I didnt like it one bit. Then Bilbo kills the creature just because it goes near the Ring and at this point I nearly leave the cinema, but I continue in the hopes it gets better. It doesnt.

Bilbo frees all the Dwarves and they start battle with the spiders, then just at the last minure Elves arrive and finish the last of the spiders off and capture the Dwarves, Bilbo is invisible and follows them toThranduils hall. (so no feasting and no lights in the forest, this sucked)
Thranduils hall is very well done, the Dwarves are put in prisons and this is where some ''comedy/flirting/whatever'' *vomit* moments between Kili and Tauriel happen. Legolas is super jealous.

(low point) Kili and his little rune stone. yes you heard me right!. RUNE STONE. it makes Tauriel go all goo goo eyed. its got a mesage from his mum telling him to come home safely written on it or something as sweetly sickening. yeuch.

 

  it gets worse.

 

I'm looking forward to the walk out point.

Its even worse than I feared.   

Yeah, same here. PJ never fails to disappoint, predictable though he is.