Agent Nora and the Freaky Bean

I hope so Gladofiggs (or whatever her name was, its late!) was brilliant!

Nora sat on a grassy knoll and looked down on the forest, she heard pounding feet behind her and Elthir ran up, his brow covered in perspiration.
"Nora OH thank goodness!, you are safe, that smoke was terrible".
He sunk down on the ground flat out, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"phew! Need a rest for a bit, it didnt want me to get out, kept pulling me it did". he puffed.
Nora shuddered, she didnt like the sound of that.
"where are we?" she shaded her eyes and did a full 360.
The land was thickly wooded nearby and rocky too, great boulders reared up with hidden glades and deep dells. There was the sound of flowing water of a great river, they could see it glinting like a silver snake through the trees and shrubs of yellow gorse and rosemary. As they walked thyme sage and wild mint gave up a rich perfume, the air was full of birdsong. It was warm and hazy, motes of thistledown played on the breeze.
"I think this is Ithilien" said Elthir.

kajbfkjbg ITHILIEN!!!!!!!!

[{{{{gimli and leggies love nest. }}}}

"Eh?" said Nora "Ithilien?" well thats not canon is it?, how come we can see RalphLaurien, but we are in Ithilien, thats miles away from, you know"
"Buggered if I know", said Elthir, "I am just going by the vaguely Meditereanean flora/ fauna whatsit, I aint David bleedin Attenborough you know".
"so we could be anywhere?" said Nora
"guess so" he mused.

I cant sit still Figgy !

"you know?", said Nora, "I am so glad to be back".
"yeah me too", said Elthir. "we need to find the others and continue our Quest to find the Daveromancer before the whole world is covered in ankle biting veggies".
"But will they be in Laurien still?, and how do we get there?, I have the distinct impression that it moves about at will". she said half to herself.
"moves about? hhmmm probably, it does seem to look a bit like a mirage doesnt it?" said Elthir scratching his beard thoughtfully.
"I KNOW I KNOW!! shouted Nora gleefully.
"woah, dont do that!" said a voice behind them, "you made me jump out of my skintight leggings".
From the trees and foliage stepped a man dressed in green, he had a long cloak and hood half covering his face, and an arrow pointed straight at them.
"I could have pranged you, I could have punctured you, you shouldnt go shouting like that young lady". He warbled querilously.
He took a hipflask from some hidden orifice and took a sharp swig.
"Ahhhh! thats better" he smacked his lips and took another long swig.
"whats that? said Nora, she was feeling a bit thirsty.
"its Buckie", the man said "want some?"
"dont touch it Nora" whispered Elthir, "its highly toxic, its a bit like meths and it turns you into a Moffat loving special effects defending bird brain".
Nora looked horrified and stepped away from the proffered flask of Buckie.

I thought Ithilien might be Elthirien.

oooh, who is this tights-clothed stranger ?

The man in green looked affronted and grumbled under his breath. He swept back his hood and low and behold there was Pettulant with a crabbit look on his face and what looked like a boiled haggis in the pocket of his legging (although it was anyones guess).
"hey Pettulant what are you doing moonlighting?" said Elthir, " I must say its rather postmodern of you, are you a simulacra or a meta language? are those tights of yours part of capitalist structures of power? does form fit function? are you a Kant? or a Barthian?
Pettulant goggled and twitched his haggis menacingly.
"Non of those things, I am a Modernist, and we Modernists poo poo your arty farty shenanigans, we like mud wrestling sharks and drinking neat whiskey in Key Westian flea pits with prozzies. with the pox". he added as if to underline his disdain for everything girlie.
"what a load of pretentious twats you are", growled Nora.
"GET ON WITH IT!"

"yes miss", they both whispered.

I like how you picked "pretentious twat", the one and only time someone really pissed me off and the other way around

"ok Robin Hood or whoever you are" said Nora gritting her teeth,
"can we just go to Laurien before it goes dark?, I dont fancy hanging around in some spooky dell, in the night, in the dark, with an owl".
"no Chuckles, you lot are coming with me", said Pettulant masterfully (at last).
He pointed his haggis at them and shoo shooed them with his pointy arrow.
"My Tyrantcave is not far, and I want to show you something interesting".
Nora and Elthir looked at each other. What was this something? Nora hoped it wasnt a collection of shrunken Sassenach goolies, or dried moorland flowers.

more, more !

He ushered them before him, poking and prodding when they walked too slowly.
"Are we nearly there yet? whispered Nora.
The sun had set with surprising speed behind the mountains, and with its last golden rays it illuminated strangely shaped trees on the crown of the hills. The trees had knobbly branches that swayed in the starry twilight sky, Nora shivered, she was sure they moved.
They walked downhill down a narrow stony path, the sides were steep, and the bottom of the dell was bathed in glooming. Under an archway, and there in the rockface was a cave entrance, the sound of rushing water was heard some little distance away. Night birds called, and suddenly thy were surrounded by green clad men.
"well met by moonlight" said Pettulant.
"these are my fellow pseudo-dunedain friends, we practice safe sex and the sheep get a job reference and ultimately a small pension with as much grass as they can eat", "which is fair considering the mental trauma" said Pettulant musingly.
Elthir coughed and Pettulant snapped back to the present.
"yes yes, the thing I want to show you", he said.
Nora and Elthir tensed in flight or fight mode, but they didnt need to worry, the men were already shuffling back inside the cave.
"come" said Pettulant, "follow me".

omg.. what is this!

It can go any way it likes ! Im loving it !

They followed Pettulant up a rocky narrow track. It was now very dark, with only the moon and a sprinkling of stars to light the way. Pettulant put his finger to his lips and pointed down to a pool of still water which shimmered blacky like silk. Sitting on a stone gently humming to itself was an odd creature. They could just make out what it said.
"tyrantses Scotshobbitses, they take the precious!" "how we hates it, how we bites it when we catches it, oh yes.. gollum gollum..."
Pettulant gulped and shifted. The creature continued..
"the Scotshobbits make editses it does, it cuts, it trims, oh it cuts the succulent spectacular bits it does!......gollum......weeeeeeeeeeaw!, how it cuts the Elves on Elks,, wwaaaaaaaaaawwww!
"what is it?" whispered Nora to Elthir, "poor creature"
"thats Peeder Jigson, its a sad tale, its searching for the lost edit".

"thats Peeder Jigson, its a sad tale, its searching for the lost edit".

omg, when i thought it couldn't get better and you come up with peeder jigson! <3

I almost feel sorry for it.....

Almost !

Genius Mrs Figg- just genius.