Agent Nora and the Bertil Mystery

Agent Nora walked down the sandy shingle path towards Elthir's seaside cottage. The seagulls swooped and eddied above her head like fluffy feathery dusters on the breeze. She was always a bit nervous of his cottage, to reach it you had to trot down an isolated white chalk lane between sand dunes and yellow gorse bushes and there was a stillness about the place that made you jump at the crack of a twig. Plus there was Elthir the Loremaster himself within the cottage, always good for tricksy clues, but rather unnerving and evasive.
Nora hesitated, then knocked on the round green door, the knock echoed and there was a sudden awakening within, the door opened a crack
A grey eye peered at Nora from behind the door. grey like a stormy Winter cloud scudding over a wrathful Sea,
'whathebuggery?' it said. ( If eyeballs could speak that is).
'erm hi Elthir, I need to ask you about the very large avocado bean you have growing in your back garden' she wavered.
'its kinda... erm...large''
Elthir opened the door some more, and around the eye there was a man and he looked a lot like Tolkien's version of Thorin Oakenshield (the younger)
''phheeeeewwwwwww! breathed Nora.
'She liked heroic literary characters with crumpet and nice buns
All thoughts of making Agent Eldo his dinner fled in a rush of flustering blushes.
'Nice beard' was all she could think to say.
Elthir flashed a dazzling white smile.
and all thoughts of Eldo fled completely.
even Cumberbutch paled into insignificance and suddenly seemed quite quite girlie.
She was pleased to see he had big feet and hands.
Any remaining thoughts of investigating the hundred foot avocado bean stalk growing in Elthir's garden just seeped away like misty mist in the dawny dawn.
Agent Nora gnawed on her black nailvarnish some of it getting stuck in her teeth.
Elthir was a man of few words but decisive of action.
Agent Nora reeled back on her heels as he stomped past her without a word. He was carrying a huge war axe and grumbling softly under his breath as he stalked round to the back of the garden. Nora couldnt make out what he was chundering on about, but it sounded decidedly crabbit.
As she stood there wondering whether to follow, she heard a 'thwack thwack!, chop chop!, thwump thwump'!. she ran round the side of the cottage. Elthir had disappeared leaving nothing but the axe embedded in one inch in the lower portion of the beanstalk. It really was huge and diamond hard about the size and girth of an ancient Redwood tree but bright emerald green and it twisted gently into spirals up into the fluffy white and pink clouds.
She craned her neck to see if Elthir was climbing it, but it was hard to see much as there were big green leaves the size of dinner plates in the way.
At its foot there was a signpost which said, ''Here be Bertil the Tall, Be careful what ye wish for''
"Youhoo Elthir!, she called up the beanstalk.
Silence
Heya Elthir are you there?.
A shiver ran up the beanstalk, Nora thought it was just the sea breeze rustling the leaves. a silky sighing swaying sound. It made her feel sleeeeeepy. it made her want to just lie down on the soft grass and take a nice nap...so tired...lie down... yawn...... just a few minutes...eyelids closing...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A hand was shaking her shoulder..insistant now.. "WAKE UP NORA!!!!
huh?
watchoowant? she said dreamily.
Elthir was staring down at her, a look of concern on his bearded face.
She yawned like a cavern and struggled up to her feet.
Only her feet werent visible They were hidden under some misty stuff, pink misty stuff that swirled and curled and poofed in little clouds up to her knees.
"Woah COOL" said Nora. "whats this stuff?"
They were standing on a sort of leafy platform, made from strong rubbery leaves the size of tables.
Elthir stood looking out over the blue expanse of sky. They seemed a zillion miles up.
"wherearewewhatisthisplacewheredidyougowhatTHEFOOKISGOINGON!!!!!!! cried Nora. She was half afraid, half pissed off, a quarter excited, with a dash of Woop Woop! Every step was bouncy-castlesque.
Elthir slowly turned and sighed a long sad sigh. "its quite some story Nora, we are in a bit of a pinch I am afraid but I will get you home, dont you worry". He smiled to encourage her, but it didnt reach his eyes. He was worried and Nora knew it would be a long time before she saw home again. She knew this with a certainty that surprised her.
"okaay, so what now?, I mean how do we get off this platform, ramp, leaf.... thing?
"we climb, he said, "there's no going down". and this was true, there was nothing below them but sky. Nora suddenly felt a wave of vertigo, and Elthir grabbed the back of her coat and pulled her away from teetering over the edge.
Up they climbed Nora was glad she had skiied in the Svalfart mountains, her muscles were strong, but it was hot and tiring work. The sun was burning the back of her neck and she wondered how long it would take to the top. Elthir was above easily swinging from branch to branch, helping her over tricky bits or any particularly large leaves. The leaves were getting thicker and spikier and furrier the further up, Nora's hands were getting little paper cuts which stung a bit, and the smell of the foliage was getting overpowering in the sun. It was a strange smell, a bit like cabbage, a bit like fisk. pungent but not unpleasant (to a Svalfartian person)
She saw that Elthir had stopped above her. He was still and tense, he was staring at something she couldn't see. Whatever IT was, it had a large black shadow.
Nora tried to see who or what it was, but all she saw were the leaves blocking her view, indeed it was hard to know where she was, all perspective was reduced to a few feet either side of her. She struggled to focus and decided the main thing was to keep holding on to the leathery leaves and hope they would soon reach the end of all this climbing. She heard Elthir mumbling something to the person or thing above. but no words drifted down, just a constant hum. Then Elthir slid down towards her and grabbed her wrist. "Not far now", he said encouragingly. "I have met a friend". Nora nodded and they set off, up and up and up.
Nora felt the breeze on her cheek and it was getting cooler and the light was dimmer now. She decided to risk a quick peek around her. She looked down towards where her feet were perched on a branch.
She wished she hadn't.

OOH, this is a great beginning

Do continue...

{{{}}}

Busily writing next installment we presume?

Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor and Talent Scout

Ooooh i love this please continue!!!
"She was half afraid, half pissed off, a quarter excited, with a dash of Woop Woop!" Thats my general attitude, spot on!

So i tried to illustrate it but i kinda gave up

ooooh that's fantastic! I love it.

All she could see were pink fluffy clouds, they were really high up, much too high up, the ground looked like a picture postcard. Nora got a horrible dose of vertigo and decided not to look again for a bit so she just got on with climbing and holding on for dear life. As they rose in the air a whispering silvery tinkling of bells began, it sounded as if it was coming from all around her and in her head, it seemed to be seeping in through her ears and turning into perfume, odd that. A perfumy sound. how very, very weird. Nora shook her head to try and get it out of her mind, but she couldnt, it felt as if the sound and the perfume and the tinkling of the bells were somehow turning into a taste in her mouth.
Nora started to giggle, even her giggles tasted of perfume, it was Roses, and then it was chocolate, ooooooh and now the silver bells tasted of lilac sweets and something else she couldn't quite place.
...and then they were out through the green murky leaves and standing blinking on a wide white wooden porch.  
It was nice to be out of the leaves. Nora and Elthir stood on a kind of open air deck with pillars, arches and sparkling lamps, but not the sort of decking you find made out of pine from B&Q, but a white silvery wood Nora had never seen before. It was carved and filigreed and fluted and quite delicate like lace. A soft music filled the air.
It was gorgeous thought Nora, still giggling and wide eyed. Elthir was looking at her with a slightly worried expression, as if to say 'you ok''. Nora nodded as a reply, and satisfied, Elthir walked through the porch and disappeared through the door.
Nora stepped through the white door and gasped, it must have been quite a big gasp, because the people on the other side of the door all turned to look at her. She felt many eyes on her, and she blushed, a hot deep blush. How uncool!.
The people were dressed in soft green and grey, they were tall, they were.....
oh shit.........
they were.....blast it to buggery!
!!Elves!!
no they couldnt be, because Elves only exist in books, and in jolly nice films, with great dialogue, and just the right length of grass and blue lighting.
A lady walked slowly towards Nora holding her hand out, a glittering ring shone there, it made Nora blink it was so twinkly and Claires Accessories.
"Hello Nora", said the lady, my name is Amariedriel, I am the Lady of deep voices and Wizard carrying competitions".
"Gosh" said Nora, trying to think of a suitably deep and meaningful reply, but failing.
"erm...cheers" Nora looked at Elthir, as if to say "well say something". But Elthir was standing with another tall Elf deep in conversation and didnt see her mute request. One of the male Elves stepped forward and Nora goggled, he looked just like her erstwhile husband Agent Eldo, but an Eldo with long blonde hair silver dress and glacial stare.
ooooooo! said Nora. I am liking this place already.
Nora walked up to Elthir and tugged his arm. "whats going on here?" she said, her patience growing paper thin. She was tired now, and felt a bit weepy. Perhaps it was an after effect of just being in this strange land with these strange creatures. because they were not human, of that she was sure.
"I am here to try to save my friends, they are imprisoned, said Elthir, they need me. I am afraid you will have to tag along, I cant leave you here, its not safe, for...humans" he said.
"oh great!", said Nora. "you should have thought of that before you dragged me up a bean stalk". she put her hands on her hips and glared at him.
"it wasnt my idea Agent Nora", he said grumpily. "this shouldnt have happened, humans are not normally able to reach the Citadel without powerful wizard magic".
"do you know any powerful wizards", she said suddenly forgetting to be angry.
"well one or two, they come and go, and are not very reliable folk. They appear with lots of fanfair and pomp, and then poof! they are gone for months, maybe years, you have just forgotten their names, and plop! there they are at your door, making you do uncomfortable and probably illegal things".
Nora gulped. uncomfortable illegal things? what on earth could that mean?
The tall blond elf that looked like Eldo walked over to them, he beckoned them to follow him. They seemed to be high in a forest, little lights were moving and dancing in the golden twilight. A soft haunting song was echoing in the distance. Nora tried to take in every detail, her eyes felt like sponges tring hard to soak up all this wonder. Now and again Nora got little whiffs of the rose perfume, it seemed to issue from the Elves themselves. They were walking on the white decking, there were no hand rails, and every step made the path shift under her feet. After a while she got used to the movement, it was rather like being on a boat, the balance came gradually.
They were ushered into a large room with open round arches and delicate white furniture. Nora felt sure Elthir would crush them under his weight.
"Elthir", she said, hardly able to contain her curiosity another nano-second. "tell me everything, who are youwhoareyourfriendswhoarethesepeople" she blurted all her questions in a constant stream of verbiage, until Elthir laughed and held up his hand for her to stop.
"I am a Dwarf", he said...
"er no you are not, you are at least 6 foot in your artfully distressed leather mithril toe-capped boots". "you are definately a man", she said adamantly.
"I am a Dwarf, but not those tiny silly creatures with fishing rods you people have in your gardens, nor the belching creatures masquerading as bikers you people have in your bloody irritating human films"
"I am a Dwarf from Lyonesse he said huffily, and we are tall, but living in your land has made us even taller than nature intended due to the Elven beverages you sell"
oh cumon Elthir thats silly, we humans dont usually sell Ent draughts down Marks and Spencers" she said laughing slightly sniffily.
"then my dear girl how do you explain Starbucks?".
"Starbucks??!" she cried. "eh! whatchootalkinabout??
"think Nora!, he said encouragingly, "the Elven beverage is concealed in plain sight, you drink but you do not know you partake of a magical substance, think!..no?.. what is the symbol in plain sight?
"A lady with golden hair the star of Elendil on her brow" he said with a deep sigh.
Nora goggled at him while this mind boggling knews sunk in.
"you mean to say Elves have a global chain of tax avoiding pseudo eco-friendly coffeehouses?"
"yes" he said somewhat annoyed.
"well I never", said Nora, amazed, "are there any other consumer brands I should know about?" "dont tell me Apple is run by Ent Wives", and Virgin is run by Mrs Figgs ladies Emporium".
"NO!, just Starbucks", he glowered.
"so about your friends, are they Dwarves also?", she said, wondering if any of them were as hunky but a might less grumpy than Elthir.
"yes they are my brother Dwarves from the great city of Erebor-on-sea. They have been captured by a terrible Necromancer, (who it is said does horrible things to vegetables), he grows vile carrots and foul looking spuds. These zombie veggies overrun the lands causing havoc to Eagle traffic control towers, as they fly low nipping the Eagles soft undercarriage, they don't like that do Eagles, nope not at all at all.
"A Necromancer? said Nora intrigued.
"yes he was once a farmer it is said, but he drank too deeply from a well of enchanted cranberry moonshine, that some sadistic Scottish hobgoblin had left lying around casual like, and became obsessed by breeding veggies that would serve him and create a New World Order. But the veggies became ruder and ruder, and quite embarrassing to respectable middle class folks, so the Necromancer and a few of the weirder ones set up house in the ruined castle of Dun Roamin".
"and what does this Necromancer chap want with Dwarves? said Nora.
Elthir shuddered, "we think he is trying to breed a Dwarf/carrot hybrid.
The carrots are the most vicious ones, they have No Fear, maybe because they are crunchy in consistency, anyway, its bad, and tomorrow we must travel to the Castle, defeat the Necromancer and free the captives before they are penetrated and defiled"
"can I have a sword?" said Nora, "at least a spud knife"

That night Nora couldnt sleep
she lay on the white woollen bed and tossed and turned and couldn't sleep (as is always the way when you know you have an early start in the morning). Elthir was snoring gently from the next room, she wondered idly if she would wake up at home, and she was afraid to miss the Adventure. Nora got up and padded through the midnight garden outside her room. She was afraid of falling over the edge of the decking, but it was well lit with silver lamps. All the Elves seemed to be sleeping, she was alone so she decided to investigate the place. There were steps up and down shining silver in the moonlight, and small tinkling rivulets of water gurgled down into stone basins and plashed her hands as she passed. The leaves sighed and swayed, all was still. A faint warm perfume and an elf stepped before her. It was the Eldo elf. He bowed and smiled.
Eldo Elf smiled at Nora. She preferred the glacial staring, there was something of the "tell me everything in 5 seconds or you are toast", about that smile.
"my Lord and Lady wish to converse with you", he said, trying to sound friendly and failing miserably. "come with me human girl".
Nora followed him up a silver path past Elven guards holding long sharp spears. There was a shimmering blue light coming from a pavilion in the trees. The Lord and Lady were sat on high thrones made of the same white or slightly greyish wood.
"welcome" said the Lord. He had long red hair down to his waist, and was wearing a tartan kaftan thingie. "I am Lord Pettulance of Avalon". he enunciated every word irritatingly slowly.
"for Took's sake get on with it", she thought.
"thats not very polite", said a voice in her head, and looking at the Lady Amarie Nora realized that she could read her mind. Nora gulped and tried hard not to imagine Lord Pettulance naked.
"sorry" thought Nora,
"oh its alright" thought the Lady back, "he's drunk", he talks like this after the time he was found naked wandering about Mirkin Forest, trying to sell suspiciously hairy nuts to the squirrels. Turns out they were Orc nuts. Its a sad story".
"For Orcs sake!", said Nora, "can we talk aloud, this is giving me the collywobbles".
"If we must" said Lady Amarie loftily.
"we are gathered here at the edge of Doom" intoned Lord Pettulance slowly and Shakespearian-y.
"Long was this Doom foretold", *cough* he looked at Amarie as if to ask if he could continue.
"yes dear", said Amarie, "I think it will be quicker if I explain".
"yes dear", he said meekly.
He sat down again with a plop, lifted one pert butt cheek and let forth a mightly TOOT! TOOT!
Immediately some Elves ran in and circled Nora.
"no no false alarm" said Lady Amarie, "its the predominantly vegetarian diet, it plays havoc with our delicate tubing. She sniffed at her husband, and wrinkled her delicate nose.
As Nora stood there in front of the thrones, people had been quietly appearing behind her. She turned round and a small crowd had grouped around the thrones, they were all staring at the Lady in awe.
"Ah here is my cousin king ThandOrwelluil from Mirkin Forest", she said.
An Elf walked forward and bowed to her and she bowed back. He was dressed in a flowing sparkling gauzy dress, with diamond earings, and lots of diamond rings. He spoke with a deep manly voice, which came as a shock from someone so foppish.
"Greetings O Queen of Queens" he said in a growly gravelly voice.
"I have come at speed to warn thee of great danger, there be weirdness in Mirkin Forest, there be Swingers having wild parties, there be folk throwing their bunny sled keys into a pot, and elf swapping happening. Tis frightening the squirrels and woodland voles.

They were all standing around taking covert glances at each other, Nora wondered where ThrandOrwelluil had got his boots, they were pointed and high heeled and simply divine.
Suddenly there was a puff of green smoke and a tall wizard with a pointy hat and staff appeared out of nowhere. Nora jumped but the others just acted cool like nothing had happened. Nora saw Amarie roll her eyes.
"hullu and good morning, tis I, Forest the Grey, have you missed me?"
Nora saw some people shift uneasily, some of them looked irritated.
There was a stony silence.
"I am back" he wavered.
silence...
"Does nobody want to see my dead moth collection? he frowned.
*crickets*
"Forest you are most welcome'' Lady Amarie said eventually, "but are you going to stick around cos we really need a reliable wizard on this one."
"oh abso-frickin-lutely! I wont just disappear leaving you up your eyebrows in the short and curlies. I promise", he looked eagerly at them all.
Hearts were melted at the sight of his bushy eyebrows, indeed it was hard to be mad at Wizard Forest for long.
"so", he said, lets get down to buisness, is this a Quest or what?"
"yes it is, said a voice behind him. Elthir walked up to the group.
"I have decided that Eldolas the Elf, this human girl thing, Elthir the manly Dwarf, ThrandOrwelliul the fey, and Wizard Forest must go to Mirkin Forest, defeat Dave the Necromancer and put a stop to the naughty carrot hybrids'' said Lady Amarie slowly turning into one of those scary Japanese girlies.
"Verily the noo'' said Lord Pettulant. '' I hope when you see the Necromancer, you tell him straight from me that his zombie carrots are not and I repeat NOT canon.
"hey what about me" said a little voice, "I am coming too".
"Hah!, said Lord Pettulant, "indeed even though you were not invited to this secret meeting, I knew you would follow, cos you think Elthir is hot".
"garn it you got me sussed", said a lady Elf called Azriel in tight leather britches and a quiver of bows across her back.
"just dooin my duty as a kick ass babe around these parts, and anyway theres no romantical doo-daas If i dont tag along, and who's going to save you from the boringly inevitable talking critters?''
I name thee the Company of the Carrots", said Lord Pettulant with a majestic sweep of his smelly tartan skirt.
and they all stood side by side as if an invisible palantirazzi was taking their photo.
There was ThrandOrwelluil for the Elves of the forest of Mirkin, Forest the greyish wizard, Eldolas and Azriel for the Elves of Avalon, Elthir the Dwarf of Lyonesse, and Agent Nora for Svalfart.
"But what of the Loremsters of the land of New Farthing?, said the Lady, without them you have no chance of reading the moon letters of Quantum Electrodynamics without one".
"Indeed said Pettulant, " We are all familiar with the idea that light moves in straight lines, but when it goes from one medium to another (such as air to ice table) it tends to change direction (or glass or indeed a convenient ice table) Let’s assume light is to travel from point A to point B from moon to ice table, taking one of several possible paths".
"Dont listen to him" said a small hairy creature ''he's a fruitcake. Everyone knows the moon is shiny and points a ray of moonbeams directly at the ice table at precisely half past midnight on the 3rd of June on a leap year after you have eaten some particularly fine goat cheese".
"Is this true Pettulant?", glowered Forest
"um well........."
The little creature padded forward and cocked his head on one side. He had large amber green eyes and golden hair. He was very cute.
"I am Halfwise from the Flat Earth and anti Dinosaur League, dont listen to all this nonsense about Biffo being our distant cousin, its an affront to reason and very silly. We all know Pettulant likes to dabble in the popular sciences, and encourage outrageous decadent hairdos. I will go with you and I will read the moon map for you, only I can understand strange diagrammy thingies and Quantum jiggery-pokery.
"oh yes oh yes wooppee!" squeaked ThandyOrwelliul, and then coughed and made his voice sound deep and manly again.
"I mean indeed that sounds suitably dashing and postmodern."
Pettulant arched his eyebrow and tried to look affronted yet lordly, which is quite difficult in a tartan skirt, but still. Bless.
and they all stood around again to get the invisible photo out of the way and sent off to Quixpix.

There isnt one thing I could pick out as its ALL so fooking funny !!!! I loved reading this !!!

This is getting even more potential as it goes on.

Omg i love this!!!!

This is amazing.

(Well, apart from the starbucks plug. )

So much! So much!

And this especially.... "Verily the noo'' said Lord Pettulant. '' Sooo counter intuitive!!!

David H wrote:

... and sooooo scary!

The next morning, a bit too early for comfort, Elthir gathered them together in the throne room.
"the Lady wishes to give us some sound advice and a few knick knacks for the journey", he said.
Nora was quite keen on prezzies she wondered if it was going to be some serious kit, like swords or mithril shirts or exploding Chinese hover-boards..
It wasnt.
"I give thee gifts" she said majestically, sure they were all going to do a bit of oooohing and ahhhhhhing
...They didnt.
There were some foul smelling parcels of food, it looked like oily haggis giblets fried in Buckie.
..And it was.
ThrandOrwelliul groaned, he was thinking of his delicate tum tum, and the thought of bouncing about on a frisky pony, "I knew I should have packed some rope and elasticated TenorLady pants for middle aged lady dribbles,'' "But its too late now".
..Agent Nora was given instructions to avoid the Tumblritis by wearing a woolly hat.
Nora wondered what this Tumblr was, it sounded like something you catch from public toilets.
"well off we trot", said wizard Forest gaily. "we will give this Daveromancer chap a good talking to, and squish his zombie carrots good and proper".
"Aye laddy growled Lord Pettulant, ... and when you get there dont forget to enforce my 2 inch grass laws, and make sure its Northern grass and not that Southern hemisphere Jessie crap"
they all rolled their eyes and set off on the Quest on their little grey ponies, and yes they were grey, and not off-white or magnolia. The ponies didnt smell romantic and fluffy, they smelled of wet horse and they bit people on the bum and giggled nasty pony giggles. (They were probably cantankerous Scotsponies).
They trotted down the forest path in the golden morning of Avalon. They bounced past orchards and they cantered through poppy fields until they were sore and tired tossed and turned. ThandOrwelluil in particular had serious chafing from his acryllic gauze dress, he was setting up a large field of static electricity and his hair started to stand on end.
The land was empty of folk or beast, nor a peasant nor a wild Bungo Bungoman  to be seen.
...."all this postmodern silence is a bit eerie" said Agent Nora.
A moth fluttered in front of Forest's face as if to give him a message but he stuck his tongue out and made a raspberry and it fluttered away swearing under its little breath.
......"are we nearly there yet?" said Nora.
"NO!" they all shouted back.
Eldolas trotted by Nora's side, he would occasionally catch her eye to practice smiling, he had never bothered much with Elven ladies as they were all so snooty, but he could see Nora had an inner fire and wondered what it would be like to get blasted by it.
They stopped at a handy pic-nic area with wooden benches made out of MDF.  Azriel and Nora had to cook, them being ladies, and the boys made the BBQ which ThrandOrwelluil took charge of as all the Elves from his land learned that art as toddlers, although he had to make sure he didnt spontaneously combust due to the flowing nylon gown.
After they had munched the haggis and dashed off to the bushes to relieve the inevitable wet n wild wind, they set off once more.
A swirling mist was creeping over the hollows and dells, it was getting jolly freezing and they stopped to put on their gortex Elven cloaks with matching broaches. The sky was also turning a lurid yellow colour, strange hooting and scrabbling was heard in the undergrowth. They all jumped when twigs were snapped, although ThrandOrwelliul or Orwie as he liked to be called, laughed and snapped his fingers in disdain.
"poo poo you are a load of scaredycats" he scoffed.
They were now travelling over a heath with mounds and green hills. Up and down they went, they could not see very far ahead because of the lowering mist.
Up ahead a hunched shape loomed, it looked like a huge stone, and on top of the boulder sat a strange creature, half cat half man.
"uh-ooo! said Forest, "I smell trouble", you know I can smell trouble downwind of Lord Pettulant most days, well I can because I am a wizard with super smellovision..
He was cut off by a spooky laugh.
The creature rose off its haunches and hissed at them.
I am the Blue Sphinx and you will answer my riddles or you will spend eternity watching season 5- 6 of Game of Thrones muahahahahahaha. it laughed.
"scared?"
they all gulped as one....

...riddle me right riddle me wrong..
..sweaty buttcheeks, too tight thong..
...am I a hat pin, am I a song..
....groggy morning, hairy tongue

The sphinx smiled an enigmatic smile, and sharp white teethses could be seen.
"er..buttcheeks....song.....wait wait! I know this... OOh give me a mo", they all tried desperately to think of an answer before they got sucked into the dark underbelly of the beast.
''Oi is it fisk?" said Nora.
The sphinx growled and snarled and looked quite ferocious. Obviously the most esoteric answer was the right one.
Elthir gave Nora the thumbs up, and for the first time she felt like part of the Company, she would have preferred a bear-hug, but it was a start.
The Sphinx asked them some more odd riddles which they answered with the words 'nibble' and 'purist'. The Blue Sphinx started to look rather forlorn and flumoxed, obviously nobody had solved the Riddles before and it didnt quite know what the form was. Orwie tried to make it feel better.
"you can eat him if you want?", he whispered, pointing at Halfy. "But you might get a furball".
"No no its quite alright", said the BlueSphinx and it jumped gracefully down from the rock, swirling its golden tail and rubbed itself up Orwie.
"OOOh nice pussy, good pussy, steady on pussy, you are knocking me over silly pussy".
The Sphinx licked its blue lips, jumped into the air, and disappeared POOF!
"Well that was weird" said Azriel.
"OH yes it was " said Orwie nodding vehemently
They walked on happily thinking they had escaped certain doom when suddenly Halfy fell down a hidden hole.
"help! HELP, theres a  WedgieWight down here, its creeping towards me, help! its trying to give me a wedgie! OWWWWWWWW!
The WedgieWights were terrible things to behold, and even Elthir quailed at the thought. They could hear a frantic squealing.
"Quick get him out!", said Forest
they crouched down and Azriel grabbed Halfy by the paws and yanked him out. It was a sorry sight. Halfy was full of mud, and looked seriously frazzled. Fortunately the Wight hadnt been able to find any undercrackers as Halfy usually went commando.
"that was a close shave". said a sing song voice behind them
"who are you?", said Eldolas
and they all stared at the outlandish newcomer.
He had big yellow boots and a green coat, with jingling bells on his red pointy hat.
"well I am Chrisbombadillo, I am a merry fellow, unless Man City loses, and then I am not". he sang.
"Man City?", "is that some kind of animal?" said Azriel
"maybe its a camel", said Orwie
"well it is owned by a camel rider" said Chrisbombadillo
''I seem to remember its a football club" said Elthir "but its not as good as Man U".
Chrisbombadillo scowled at him.

"hey nonny nonny
think youre so funny
smell of the dunny
foll de ree foll di dee
your trousers smell of pee"...

"OK OK we get the picture" said Halfy, "enough of this banter I need to get to the hostelry in Bree to clean up".
Just then he bent down and picked up a button from the grass, on it was writ.
'Diamond Banks - New Farthing Book Club.
Halfy seemed to remember a sad story about the lady and said no more.
"well I would have gone with you to the borders of my land to make sure you didnt fall into any holes, but because you obviously have no taste in Mancunian sporting excellence, you can all bugger off". and off Chrisbombadillo stormed in his big yellow boots
He ran off into the twilight capering and leaping over hill and knoll.
and far in the distance they could hear his song,..

..hey knob pretty cob
..why are you flapping
..got no taste in football
..you need a good slapping"

"For Elk's Sake", said Nora.
They all trudged into Bree just as the sun dipped behind the mountains. The great wooden door clanged behind them. The ponies were weary and they all clopped gratefully into the stable of the Prancing Woofter.
The Woofter was a neo gothic Inn of the kind favoured by erstwhile Mr and Mrs Smiths out on secret thrutching sessions. It was comfortable and homey with a decent range of gastro pub nosh. They staggered in elbowing each other out of the way to get at the fire.
"welcome welcome to my humble abode" said Lance the Innkeeper. He was an ex-para from the SAS Dunedain regiment, and you had to be careful not to make any sudden moves as his peripheral vision had a hair trigger and you could end up in a puddle of blood on the floor.
There were many a drunken patrons who forgetting to pay had found themselves suddenly choking from the cheesewire Lance had whipped round their gullets, or felled by a lightening strike from a super dooper karate chop. On his days off he liked to para-glide with Eagles and press wild flowers.
"we would like rooms for the night and food" said Halfy. " I hope you have Chateaux neuf du pap and pasta al dente?
"certainly certainly my good imp" said Lance with a grin, dangerously close to throttling Halfy, "Step this way to the bespoke dining hall".
After they had eaten they sat around the roaring fire.
"you know" said halfy, "some folk think that coal was laid down millions of years ago by billions of Monkey puzzle trees", "but thats patently silly, I know coal is really truffle fungus".
As they sat there musing about stuff, little did they know that black shadows were crawling and creeping over the great door of Bree.
"who's that fellow over there?" said Nora, "he has been staring this way for ages".
They all looked, and the man jumped in his seat uncomfortably.
"thats Bungo Longshanks the Ranger" said Lance, "he's one of them Rangers", "he goes round protecting stuff and being sarcastic", "its dirty work but someones got to do it".
"what?" said Elthir,
"well you cant have folk walking round dressed in cheap nylon Donald Trump wigs and not expect trouble, its hard work controlling Republicans but Bungo patrols the borders and kicks out the fell looking half trolls before they cause a ruckus in Bree.
Lance looked with misty eyes at Bungo. "he's my captain, my king" he whispered.

The Bluebottle and Chris appearances

Prancing Woofter !