what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

Hahaha!

A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster announces that six Brazilian men died in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Confused, her husband says: "It is sad, but they were skydiving. There were risks involved."

"I know," the blonde says. "But how many is a Brazilian?"

First one especially.

chris63 wrote:

{{{ Duck walks in to a bar.
"Got any bread?"
"No"
"Got any bread?"
"No."
"Got any bread?"
"No!"
Got any bread?"
"NO!!"
"Got any bread?"
NO!!! And if you ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the fucking bar!"
"Got any nails?"
"No!"
"Got any bread?" }}}

I have CDO...

It's like OCD but all the letters are in alphabetical order... as they should be.

I went to volunteer at the Tourette's Society but they told me to fuck off.

I called the Suicide Hotline in Iraq...

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said, "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants." While standing beside a Slovenian wife.

I just read a list of "The 100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "Yell for help" wasn't one of them

One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build
another Ark."
"What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
"Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
"And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last
time?' asks Noah.
"No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
"Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
"Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
"Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!"

Was at a seafood disco last night.
I pulled a mussel.

A fella with two wooden legs.............his house caught fire.

The fire brigade saved his house but he was burnt to the ground.

What am I missing?

chris63 wrote:

I don't wanna say Halfy..... you'll figure it out.....

chris63 wrote:One day, God speaks to Noah. "Noah", he says, "I want you to build
another Ark."
"What, like the last one?" asks Noah.
"Yes," replies God, "Except this time, I want it to have 14 decks."
"And shall I lead all the animals into it, two by two, like last
time?' asks Noah.
"No, this time I only want you to lead fish into it".
Noah is a little puzzled. "Just fish?" he asks.
"Yes," says God. "In fact, just carp."
"Just carp? Why carp?" Noah quizzes.
"Well," says God, "I've always wanted a multi-storey carp Ark!"

Had to look it up. It's not in the dialect here.