what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

An Irishman walks into a bar. He orders two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

The next day, the Irishman returns, orders another two shots, drinks them both, and then leaves.

He continues to do this for some time, when one day the bartender questions him, “How come you always order exactly two shots?”

The Irishman replies, “well, you see my brother and I used to go out drinking every night, but he lives across the country now, so every night, I order two drinks. One for myself, and one for my brother.”

Things remain the same for a while until one day the Irishman comes in and orders only one shot. The bartender becomes concerned and asks him “how come you’re only ordering one shot? Did something happen to your brother? Is he ok?”

The Irishman replies, “of course not, my brother’s fine. I just quit drinking”

Changed the ringtone on my alarm to the hokey cokey.


Took me 20-minutes to get out of bed.

I asked my wife what she would like for a birthday present. She said she'd love something with diamonds.

So I bought her a pack of cards.

Just joined a Ukranian dating site.



I've now got a chick in Kiev

"chick in Kiev"

Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, as he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. The length and width were almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very bad that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said... "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

I love how that joke jumps straight into the action without the usual preamble. It's like Kurt Vonnegut's advice to new writers: "After you write your story, rip off the first 3 pages before you send it in." The punchline is in the same vein. The writer of this joke is a rare master.

A string walks into a bar and the bartender goes, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

The string walks out all sad and defeated, then has a great idea. He ties himself in a bow, cuts off his ends to look all pretty, and struts back into the bar.

The bartender looks at him and goes, "Hey, aren't you that string I turned away before?" and the string goes, "Nope! I'm a frayed knot!"

"I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read."

If he cut off his ends he's no longer frayed.

Had to work out the cheese grater on my fingers.