what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.

The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until one late evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "that will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Minnie: Come on boy, beg for your supper. Up, up, sit up, sit up. Put this sausage on your nose. There, there's a clever boy.
Henry: Minnie.
Minnie: What?
Henry: I'm fed up having my breakfast like this.

I know

Thanks for all your messages! First of all, I'm fine - or I will be soon. I had nasty accident yesterday but I'm ok. I went horse riding and let's just say it didn't end up quite as planned. I got on the horse ok and started out slowly but he started to speed up and we were going faster than I was comfortable with until we were going as fast as the horse could go! Have to admit I was terrified!! Then the worst thing ever happened - I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, it just kept going around and around. Thank God the store manager at Coles came out and unplugged the carousel.

I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby.

Apparently that's not allowed if the baby is yours

A Dutch, English and Chinese man survive a boat accident and wash up on an island. They need food, water and supplies to survive the night. The Dutch guys says that he will gather the food, the English man will get water and the Chinese man is send for supplies.

When the Dutch and the English man come back with food and water the Chinese man is nowhere to be found. They wait a bit till they can't wait longer and start preparing the food.

The Dutch and English guy start eating and out of nowhere the Chinese guy jumps out the bushes and shouts: "SUPPLIES".

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!"

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20 guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.
Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!"
"Do you see that tree right there?"
"Yes"
"Well, I didn't"

Trusting a politician during an economic crisis is like trusting a fart whilst having diarrhoea.

{{{Like the police one }}}

A guy wakes up in hospital after getting a terrible beating. Doctor asks him what he can remember. He says "I was making love to this beautiful woman that I had only just met at a bar earlier, when we heard the front door of her house opening. 'Oh my God!' she shouted, 'it's my husband! Quick, the back door!' Now I know I should have run, but you don't get an offer like that every day."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his elderly, sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit £200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

And the moral of this tale? Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Greenslade: For years we heard nothing from Neddie. And then, one day...
Sellers: We heard nothing from him again.
Greenslade: We put a light in the window. Nothing much happened, except the house burnt down.
(The mighty Wurlitzer)

I apologise for the following joke: it's a long one...

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