what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

My mate was whining all day at me about how he couldn't harvest fruit in his garden. I said "For Christ's sake! Grow a pear!"

Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out.

Jewish Kamikaze pilot..........crashed his plane in his brother's scrapyard.




Homeless soaking wet tramp was walking past the synagogue, the rabbi was stood on the steps. The tramp said "Have you got 20p for a bed Rabbi?"

The Rabbi said "Sure, bring it round, I'll have a look at it"

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who swims the channel?

'Clever Dick.'

pmsl.

Seagoon: I want to buy a twenty-foot easel.
Henry: Twenty-foot? Whatever for?
Seagoon: I want people to think I'm tall.
Henry: But if you stand by a twenty-foot easel, it'll make you look even shorter.
Seagoon: That's just it. I'm not going to stand by it. I'll stand somewhere else. Ha, ha, I'm not a fool, you know!
Henry: If you're not going to stand near it, why buy it?
Seagoon: I've got to buy it so as to have something tall not to stand by! It's no good not standing by something tall that's not there, is it?
Henry: Supposing someone comes in unexpectedly when you're standing near it?
Seagoon: Then I shall deny every word of it and stand on a ladder.
(Tales of Montmartre)

Eccles: Look up there! There's buzzards circling- there's buzzards circling around!
Seagoon: What are they doing up there?
Eccles: Flying!
Seagoon: Bloodnok- Bloodnok, do you think they're waiting- waiting to eat us?
Bloodnok: Not sure, but keep your eyes on the ones carrying knives and forks.
Seagoon: Look! We're saved! Look! A house!
Eccles: It is! A house! A house!
Bloodnok: It's not, it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense, it's a house surrounded by trees. Let's go in.
Eccles: Yeah.
[sound of door opening]
Bloodnok: I still say it's a mirage.
Seagoon: Nonsense! Bluebottle, Eccles, search the house for food.
Bluebottle: All right, then.
Seagoon: So, Bloodnok. You think this house is a mirage, eh? We'll soon see! Wait! It's vanished! Gone! You were right. A mirage.
Bloodnok: I told you it was.
Eccles: OWWWWWW- [thud] OW!
Bloodnok: Eccles! What happened?
Eccles: I was upstairs!
(The mummified priest)

One of my favourite jokes out there.

chris63 wrote:Please avoid using a website called Constipated.com. It wouldn't let me log out.

‘Keep calm. Keep calm.’
‘I am calm!’
‘I’m talking to myself.’

A guy thought his wife was cheating on him.

So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in a brothel.

The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a £100?"

The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?".

The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the brothel and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in.

A couple of minutes later the brothel door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging a woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab.

The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here, hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE".

The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!".

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Mist.

Last week while drive to work, got stopped by a copper. He said while I wasn't speeding, the roads could be dangerous. I assured him I was a competent driver. He then asked what I would do if mist or fog came down suddenly.


I'd put my foot on Mr Brake and slow down. He wasn't impressed.

thats Scotscoppers for you. crabbit.

Mrs Figg wrote: thats Scotscoppers for you. crabbit.

Scoppers. [s as in "see yon sassenach ". c as in "it's fair culd". o as in "the sound that you make when kicked in the goolies, and the pain gets yi before yi can even finish", p as in "it's pure pishinit doon", e as in "", r as in "isatrightyabastard?!"

Noun, verb, adjective, whateverworksyiken?

Usage:

Generally used when describing the actions or inactions of the local constabulary, while being drunk enough to speak but not sober enough to see yon feckin scopper lurking in the shadows.

Example:

NotMe: Whits up wi yir face? luks like yi went home wi a bust pay packet!

NotPetty: Nuffin. Scoppers, innit. Gie'in me grief.

NotMe: How come?

NotPetty: Feckin Scoppers aw'ways faw'aw'in me in stuff. Awt ti be a law or summit againstit..mumble..mumble

NotMe: Well, am shirr they ken that yi ahd nuffin ti dae wi weird reports of a mental lookin scotshobbit runnin' aboot shou'in "Shows us yers or Ull show yer mine!!" before jumpin n rollin aboot. 'parrently one o thi wimmim said that after seein this sh'd rather dance naked thru thi toon cenner than see that wee tagger again!

NotPetty: wisnime.

Bet it was

Scottish Withnail and I.

{{{{{wisnae me! Ma tadgers noo seen the light o' day fir so lang it gits sunburnt using the lavvie

Anyway just leave these lying around for the amusement of others, some choice Frankie Boyle quotes through the ages!}}}

Frankie Boyle-

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.

He looks terrible doesn’t he, [Gordon] Brown? He looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum.

The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened

3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.

Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there’s that many layers!

On the most Scottish thing he’d ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o’clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

You say snapchat, I say speedwank.

Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?

When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.

On the Scottish referendum) I should have expected this, because if you’d asked me to estimate how many cunts there were in Scotland I’d have said about 2 million.

If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.

Very funny !
He's one of my favourites in "Mock The Week" on TV