The News of the Pure

Nice work Petty, can you get them papers delivered ?

Bad enough on my back delivering them here Chris- still I supose they could be delivered to peoples palantir-mail address.....

Still don't get how I was tied with Ally for best nose... has her nose ever even been mentioned???
Poor Mrs. Figgs! I'm sure she never thought all her baggage would catch up with her so quickly!
Here, have a glass on me!

.......

Petty, where's the Buckie?

Perhaps the voters were merely expressing their disappointment with your non-appearance in Forumshire in the days leading up to the Awards?

"Petty, where's the Buckie?" -Tin

Keep your magical hair on your Maj! It's here, I was just, testing it, and may have nodded off unexpectedly. Its this Valinor air, that' what it is, its not right, all clean. Not natural that. Anyway here you go, three barrells of my, I mean your, finest buckie.

Now that's an impressive turnaround for NOTP! They must be working double-shifts to get all the election coverage. {{{{{Petty, do pass along my regards to Bear Muirdock; tell him that the first steps have been taken, he'll know what I mean. }}}}}

Its all hands to the presses Eldo- sadly those are buckie presses.

BANKS UNABASHED

In response to the latest "unproven" (Banks Spokeshobbit) allegations, Mr Odo Banks, esquire, has come out in "complete denial" (Banks Spokeshobbit). At a quickly organized rally in Needlehole outside "Odo Banks Thatching and Scuttle Coal Company", a large group of Mr Bankses employees and their wives and children and farm animals came together "spontaneously" (Banks Spokesperson) to support their Employer in his "complete denial".

Our intrepid political analyst, Bettina Banks-Newton moved around the crowd and obtained the following citations.

Edwina Downbeaten: "Mr Banks is in complete denial. Everyone says so."

Barky Fairweather said: "I don't really know, but these allegations seem to be perfectly tr...." (There was a loud and rickety cart going past at the time).

Amelia Doassimetold: "Mr Banks told me not to believe everything I heard about him, as it was barely possible that one hobbit could as have been guilty of Everything he's heretofore been accused of, him being but 53 last birthdy."

Mirabella Banks: "If my Uncle was guilty, then I'm sure I would have heard something... officially, I mean... My policy is to ignor any rumour that is not beyond absolute doubt!"

Tammy Gently: "Well' you see, Mr Banks comes to me out the back of the thatching shed, early in the morning like, and ée.... (Noise from neighbouring pigsty as it was feeding time) ... but he was awfully apologetic later - and gave me a gold florin to keep my mou.... (More feeding) ... the money was better than as I ever got in Redlite Lane... (oinking) ... candle... (grunting) ... olive oil... (snorting) ... he also gave me flowers, and a half day off, which was very nice. He'd never given me such a deal when I worked for him at the broth.... (oinking and snorting drowned out everything else until) ... and why wouldn't I vote for him, as he's promised me a fine dowry... even Nob Bracket, my fiance, has forgiven him..."

Mincy Bumslapper: "I couldn't as but say that Mr Banks has treated me awfully well after the incident in the thatching closet early this mornin'... He said it was purely an accident, him thinking it was his lovin' Missus, Primmy Brandybuck, and I do believe him. He even paid me a gold florin as proof of his bonafides! Particular generous, as I have a trim feminine bottom, and I'm not afraid to flaunt it and so probably am partly to blame. Anyone could have mistaken me for Primmy, given the circumstances... Not that I'm braggin', but I take it almost as a compliment, his Primmy being such a looker and all... And it was not like there was any lasting pain... Mr Odo says himself to me: 'Now, Mincy, what's done is done, and rumour has it you're no stranger to this kind of thing anyhow.' I'm not embarrassed to say as that's quite true."

Jughead Barrell said: "He himself told me this business about his love child Diamond Banks was a pack of lies, and even if it were true, who could really believe such allegations against a Respectable hobbit? Which, I s'pose means he was innocent... though I guess... now's I think on it..."

Merry Hornwiper: "He gave us all a raise and told us to trust him - and we do."

Pippin Windsock: "Yes, Merry, I heard him say that, and if we were to follow our natural instincts and gather here within the hour, he would show his appreciation by not only giving us all a payrise, but he promised us a special break-up party come Erumas as well."

Merry: "I certainly felt very spontaneous after that."

Pippin: "Yes. I don't know as any of his employees as has ever moved more spontaneously."

Mother Boffin: "Mr Banks has always paid me well, as I have been his Personal Private Assistant for several years, and can be trusted to back him up on anything he says. He says to me this time: 'Now Mrs Boffin, you must tell everyone that I'm in complete denial.' And I can vouch for it, he is!"

Rosie Cotton-Gamgee said: "I've heard all the rumours, of course, but never caught him at it."

Pippin: "Nor me, nor anyone..."

Merry: "Except Rory Brambleberry..."

Pippin: ""That's what Rory's alleged to have said anyhow - before he was transferred to the Kimberleys."

Rosie: "That's true."

Bettina Banks-Newton: "But does he have a love child?"

Pippin: "Who would know?"

Rosie: "He denies it, of course."

Merry: "Yes, I've heard he's in complete denial."

Pippin: "He's been a very generous employer, these last few hours, that's what I know... Who cares what he might or might not have done in a storeoom of his Company Depot in Large Cleave years and years ago..."

Merry: "No one's even sure yet about what happened with Tammy Gently behind the shed yesterday..."

Pippin: "Of course, the NotP's not even accusing him of that anyhow... not yet..."

Rosie: "Nor what happened with Mincy Bumslapper this morning."

Merry: "Mincy says it was most likely an accident. He said so himself."

Rosie: "That's true."

Bettina Banks-Newton: "But what about Diamond Banks?"

Merry: "That'd be Broadbrest Tyrant's daughter, I think. Though some say it was some other Broadbrest."

Rosie: "That's true."

Pippin: "Mr Odo denies any involvement, of course, though it must have been her in the storeroom, according to my Uncle Broderick who was an goggle-eyed office boy at the time."

Merry: "Oh, really! Was Mr Odo in the storeoom then?"

Pippin: "Uncle Broderick says Mr Odo was very generous to him at the time and he can't remember,"

Merry: "So no one can be sure that Mr Odo was Diamond's father."

Rosie: "That's true."



So as everyone who reads this Laudable Journal can see, there is nothing that is absolutely verifiable as regards the latest allegations, nor, in fact, any of the myriad allegations levelled at Mr Banks over the years.


Lesbo Proudfoot
Editor
The Archet Bugle
And
Spokeshobbit for the
Vote One: Honorable Odo - Butter wouldn't Melt in His Mouth campaign.

Hey whats the Archet Bugle doing onthe NotP thread? Mr Muirdock won't like that! Anyway here to set the record straight is the latest edition of NotP Sorry its a day late there was a buckie related delivery problem- I drank all the buckie first and that delayed the delivery.

Why on earth are NotP supporting Pretty? Don't they know about her buckie policy- to only make it available for wimmin folk? Are they mad?

NOTP nails all of the candidates in my opinion! Whatever's going on in their offices, the quality of their journalism has noticeably improved.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Why on earth are NotP supporting Pretty? Don't they know about her buckie policy- to only make it available for wimmin folk? Are they mad?

I've always thought that the NOTP folks were a bit loose in the brain, but apparently State News is supporting Pretty too! With such broad support there must be something more to her than meets the eye!

Ummm, as far as I know, I'm still in charge of Buckie (and you second in command Petty!) So i think that promise is void...

I thought you gave Petty his buckie back at some point. Or am I misremembering...?

All Praise Her Maj Queen Tinuviel!
Get it up yi Pretty. The buckie is by Royal Decree- so hands off. Its above you!

Good one your Maj! I shall go fetch you some refreshing buckie to celebrate this good news.

-we came to a civil agreement Eldo- Tin keeps the main supply in Valinor and I, tend to it, often and regularly to ensure the quality.

I can't help but feel that you're only foregoing one mistress for another, Petty, but whatever gets you the drunkest, eh?

The shortest distance between two points may well be a line Eldo but the interesting route is if your staggering. My grandda Tyrant told me that one morning when he had his head in the toilet bowl. Wise words.

I'm still a bit traumatized from a sober Petty, so I'll do whatever I can to make sure that it does't happen again!!!

VOTE RINGDROTTEN!!!!!!!

I had managed to purge the memories of that time from my mind, but now I've been reminded of them.

Also, Kafria certainly came out swinging. Can Ringdrotten also build up momentum with the front-runners reeling from the brutal smackdown they received earlier?

Fortunetly I can't remember a thing about it. Just as well it seems.

You weren't you. It was all very sad.

Late I know. But I nearly refused to deliver it at all and not just cause they only pay minimum-buckie wages. Sometimes I really hate Pure Publications.

musta bien orl za bukkee... eye foregut orl ziz tim eye woz heechid! Mateelduh? Fok...

oooh... eyedo ramumba noo.... Jazabool Uhubdortor....frum za Hooley Lun. Eye mut err inza poob las wunta! wee gut murreed ina feeva hotta zun uh puppa sprout!

uh cull er Muteeldah corse shee rumundz mee ov Mutelder Mudder -- bluss youse, Zid Burrat!