Agent Nora and the Freaky Bean

"you mean to say Elves have a global chain of tax avoiding pseudo eco-friendly coffeehouses?"
"no, just Starbucks", he glowered.

I love those 2 lines !

The next morning, a bit too early for comfort, Elthir gathered them together in the throne room.
"the Lady wishes to give us some sound advice and a few knick knacks for the journey", he said.
Nora was quite keen on this idea, well the prezzies anyway. She wondered if it was going to be some serious kit, like swords or mithril shirts or silvery boots.
It wasnt.
"I give thee gifts" she said majestically, sure they were all going to ooooh and ahhhhhh.
They didnt.
There were some foul smelling parcels of food, it looked like haggis cooked in buckie, and it was. ThrandOrwelliul groaned, he was thinking of his delicate tum, and bouncing about on a pony, "I knew I should have packed my Elven elasticated Spanx" he thought, "its too late now".
"and for you Elthir I give you a golden shower of pennies for buying sweets".
"and for you Eldolas I give you The Dummies Guide To Human Girls And How To Enchant Them With Your Elven Surfing".
"and to you Azriel I give you only a word of advice", only Jim Morrison looks good in leather pants, put a floaty velvet gown on, and stop being such a tomboy"

"and to you human Nora, flee the mighty Bundersnatch, do not listen to his cry, or you will never feel you can sit still for more than 5 minutes, and get ants in your pants, and want to go to the seaside or something like that, I cant quite rmember". "Anyways".
Nora wondered what this Bundersnatch was, it sounded like something you catch from public toilets.
"well off we trot", said G.B gaily. "we will give this Daveromancer chap the heave ho, and squish his carrots good and proper".
"Aye laddy, and dont forget to enforce the 2 inch grass laws, and make sure its Northern European grass and not that Southern hemisphere crap".
they all rolled their eyes and set off on the Quest.

If I were to quote my favorite bits, I would have to quote the whole thing.

thanks Amarie.

I'm loving the set-up and the characters so far! I'm really looking forward to reading about the Quest now.

Mrs Figg wrote:"we will give this Daveromancer chap the heave ho, and squish his carrots good and proper".

They all set off on their little grey ponies, and yes they were grey, as grey as....er......granite pebbles or dove eggs or something equally romantic and fluffy.
They didnt smell romantic and fluffy, they smelled of wet horse and they bit people on the bum. (They were probably cantankerous Scotsponies). They trotted down the forest path in the golden morning of Avalon. They bounced past orchards and they cantered through poppy fields until they were sore and tired. ThandOrwelluil had serious chafing from all the acryllic gauze, he was setting up a large field of static electricity and his hair started to stand on end.
The land was empty of folk or beast, ner a peasant or a esoteric Welshbugger to be seen.
"this silence is eerie" said Nora.
A moth fluttered in front of G.B's face but he stuck his tongue out and made a raspberry and it fluttered away swearing under its little breath.

"are we nearly there yet?" said Nora.
"NO!" they all shouted back.
Eldolas trotted by Nora's side, he was secretly speed reading the Dummies Guide and wanted to practice his new knowledge. Indeed he was already reading the bibliography for further study opportunities, and decided that at the first town they came to he would set up an account and order a few specialist journals.
he would occasionally catch her eye to practice smiling, he had never bothered much with Elven ladies as they were all so snooty, but he could see Nora had an inner fire and wondered what it would be like to get blasted by it.
They stopped at a dingly dell for lunch which Azriel and Nora had to cook, them being the only ladies, and the boys made the BBQ which ThrandOrwelluil took charge of being manly, although he had to make sure he didnt spontaneously combust due to the flowing nylon gown.

So this is what Forumshire has come to! I knew it! Oh Eru Bless Little Forumshire and respectability.

I mean to say: "I am Halfwise from the Flat Earth and anti Dinosaur League, dont listen to all this nonsense about Biffo being our distant cousin, its an affront to reason, and very silly. We all know Pettulant likes to dabble in the popular sciences, and encourage outrageous decadent hairdos. I will go with you and I will read the moon map, I can understand strange diagrammy thingies."

What next? Eldolas trotted by Nora's side, he was secretly speed reading the Dummies Guide and wanted to practice his new knowledge. Indeed he was already reading the bibliography for further study opportunities, and decided that at the first town they came to he would set up an account and order a few specialist journals. I wouldn't be at all surprised!

Well, Odo, If this is what you get from falling down the pan, then I hope I end up round the U bend! Viva la Forumshire !

ohjeez... I like where this is going though u write splendidly Figgy ^^

"Pettulant arched his eyebrow and tried to look affronted yet lordly, which is quite difficult in a tartan skirt, but still."


I'm actually really good at that.

After they had munched the haggis and dashed off to the bushes to relieve the inevitable wind, they set off once more.
A swirling mist was creeping over the hollows and dells, it was getting jolly freezing and they stopped to put on their gortex Elven cloaks with matching broaches. The sky was also turning a lurid yellow colour, strange hooting and scrabbling was heard in the undergrowth. They all jumped when twigs were snapped, although ThrandOrwelliul or Orwie as he liked to be called, laughed and snapped his fingers in disdain.
"poo you are a load of scaredycats" he scoffed.
They were now travelling over a heath with mounds and green hills. Up and down they went, they could not see very far ahead because of the lowering mist.
Up ahead a hunched shape loomed, it looked like a huge stone, and on top of the boulder sat a strange creature, half cat half woman.
"uh-ooo! said G.B, "I smell trouble", you know you can smell trouble, well I can because I am a wizard .....
He was cut off by a spooky laugh.
The creature rose off its haunches and hissed at them.
I am the Welsh Sphinx you will answer my riddles or you will spend eternity writing esoteric bon mots for my tumblr blog.
"scared?"
they all gulped as one.
"riddle me right riddle me wrong,
sweaty buttcheeks, too tight thong,
am I a hat pin, am I a song,
groggy morning, hairy tongue".
The sphinx smiled an enigmatic smile, and sharp white teethses could be seen.
"er..buttcheeks....song.....wait wait I know this... OOh give me a mo", they all tried desperately to think of an answer before they got sucked into the dark underbelly of the beast.

"is it fisk?" said Nora.
The sphinx growled and snarled and looked quite ferocious. Obviously the most esoteric answer was the right one.
Elthir gave Nora the thumbs up, and for the first time she felt like part of the Company, she would have preferred a bear-hug, but it was a start.

They all jumped when twigs were snapped, although ThrandOrwelliul or Orwie as he liked to be called, laughed and snapped his fingers in disdain.

At last - credible characterization!

Finally, someone who understands you, Orwell!

The Sphinx asked them some more odd riddles which they answered with the words 'nibble' and 'purist'. She started to look rather forlorn and flumoxed, obviously nobody had solved the Riddles before and she didnt quite know what the form was. Orwie tried to make her feel better.
"you can eat him if you want?", he whispered, pointing at Halfy. "But you might get a furball".
"No no its quite alright", said the Sphinx, "i'll go and torment the mod in Bree, I hear he doesnt do irony". "which is useful for me".
"hey thats my job" whispered Orwie.
She jumped gracefully down from the rock, swirling her golden tail and rubbed herself up Orwie.
"OOOh nice pussy, good pussy, steady on pussy, you are knocking me over".
The Sphinx licked her lips, jumped into the air, and disappeared POOF!
"Well that was weird" said Azriel.
"OH yes", said Orwie nodding vehemently.

like the dig at "Bree", Mrs figg.

They walked on happily thinking they had escaped certain doom when suddenly Halfy fell down a hidden hole.
"help! HELP, theres a Dwayne Wight down here, its creeping towards me, help! its trying to give me a Mullet! OWWWWWWWW!
The Dwayne Wights were terrible things to behold, and even Elthir quailed at the thought. (he had such nice long flowing locks). A Mullet would ruin his street cred with the ladies.
They could hear a frantic clipping of scissors and a Yee Hawww! like you hear in cowboy films. That was their cry.
"Quick get him out!", said G.B.
they crouched down and Azriel grabbed Halfy by the paws and yanked him out. It was a sorry sight. Halfy was full of mud, and looked seriously frazzled. Fortunately the Wight hadnt touched his fur,
"that was a close shave". said a sing song voice behind them
"who are you?", said G.B
and they all stared at the outlandish newcomer.
He had big yellow boots and a green coat, with jingling bells on his red pointy hat.
"well I am Chrisbombadillo, I am a merry fellow, unless Man City loses, and then I am not". he sang.

"Man City?", "is that some kind of animal?" said G.B
"maybe its a camel", said Azriel
"well its owned by a camel rider", said Chrisbombadillo
"its a football club" said Elthir "but its not as good as Man United".
Chrisbombadillo scowled at him.
"hey nonny nonny
think youre so funny
smell of the dunny
foll de ree foll di dee
trousers smell of pee"....
"OK OK we get the picture" said Halfy, "enough of this banter I need to get to the hostelry in Bree to clean up".
Just then he bent down and picked up a button from the grass, on it was writ.
'Diamond Banks - New Farthing Book Club.
Halfy seemed to remember a sad story about the lady and said no more.
"well I would have gone with you to the borders of my land to make sure you didnt fall into any holes, but because you obviously have no taste in Mancunian sporting excellence, you can all bugger off". Chrisbombadillo stormed.
He ran off into the twilight capering and leaping over hill and knoll.
and far in the distance they could hear his song,
"hey knob pretty cob
why are you flapping
got no taste in football
you need a good slapping".
"For Elk's Sake", said Nora.