what sort of jokes can I get away with?

good one

loved both of them !

there are female condoms

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says,"this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

Teacher:Where is the statue of liberty located, Robin?
Robin:I don't know.
Teacher:STAND UP ON THE BENCH!!!!!!
Robin:I still can't see it.

Q: What's the difference between greeting the Queen of England and greeting Bill Clinton?

A: You only have to get down on one knee to greet the queen.

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they found they were unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on penis one time."

"If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis....fifty times

azriel wrote:A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

omg, problem solved.

Hee Hee, thats what I was thinking !!

Norc wrote:

azriel wrote:A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

omg, problem solved.

that's one fucked up version of Cinderella

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

true story:

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14”.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”

Brilliant Norc !

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

A plane is passing through a severe storm when a wing is struck by lightning. One woman freaks out and stands up, screaming, "I'm too young to die! I want my last minutes of life to be satisfying! I've had plenty of sex, but I've never been fulfilled. Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"

A gorgeous man stands up. "I can make you feel like a woman." He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

The woman breathes heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. Muscles ripple across his chest as he extends his shirt to the trembling woman and whispers, "Iron this."

ommagawd the last one!! haha.. jeez.. i am in that mood xD not sorry