what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

love the Chinese one ! Good jokes

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

{{{ 'The Pope Discussing the Existence of God with An Out and Out Atheist- It starts off very correctly in discussion and as the hours go by it gets more and more heated and eventually the Pope turns to the man and he says, "You are like a man who is totally blindfolded in a dark room looking for a black cat that is NOT there."
The fellow says, "With all respect your Holiness I think there is great similarity between us both."
"What do you mean similarity?"
He says, "Well as far as I am concerned, you are like a man who is blindfolded in a totally dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. The only difference is that you've found it!" '- Dave Allen }}}

Oh I loved Dave Allen

Me and my son went to see Liverpool play at the weekend, and it lived up to expectations.

Our car was stolen.

Congratulations to the guy who invented the knock knock jokes.
He's just won the 'No-Bell' prize.

{{{In tribute to Kenn Dodd- a bunch of his jokes so get your tickle-sticks at the ready! }}

"My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'"

"I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.'"

"The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."

"The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost."

"I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it."

"I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome, it started off badly but by the end I really liked it."

On his marathon live shows: "You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox."

At the Royal Variety Performance: "This audience tonight represents the creme de la creme. That's French for evaporated milk."

"So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut."

"Fifty-five years in show business, ladies and gentlemen. That's a hell of a long time to wait for a laugh."

for Ken Dodd

for no bell prize.

I used to play darts with me dad but had to stop when his head went blunt

Chris...

The managing director of Dulux has been been found dead on the streets, frozen to death. Experts say he needed another coat.

Police knocked on the door the other day “your dogs been chasing a man on his bike” and I replied “it can’t be my dog he doesn’t ride a bike”

{{{ }}}

Took my missus to the doc to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it, I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

Bloke comes home early and finds his mate shagging his wife, so he stabbed the fucker to death.
Wife says " carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!"

I woke up in the hospital badly beaten up, the doctor asked me what the last thing was I remembered. I said I was sat on the couch when the wife said she'd bagged up a couple of bags full of clothes for me to take to the charity shop. I said I couldn't be bothered and would just stick them in the bin. she then admonished me about people starving in the world and that they were to go to the charity shop. I said "listen love, if they fit into your clothes they ain't starving"