what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

The last one:

Went to the Zoo last week and saw a loaf of bread in cage. Apparently it was bread in captivity.

A man in a hot air balloon is lost somewhere over Ireland
He looks down and sees a farmer working in his field, so he shouts "where am I?"
The farmer looked up and shouted back "you can't fool me. You're in that basket"

A mummy has been discovered in an Egyptian tomb, covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

Experts believe it is a Pharaoh Rocher

Oh brilliant ! I love that last one !!!

Oh gawd !

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: “I’m here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“SH*T!” exclaimed the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Fun with semiotics:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"I'm sorry Daddy, I've been naughty."

Very similar denotations (dictionary definitions) but very different connotations.

{{{ - actually I think they both mean the same in the catholic church!!! }}}

{{{ only if they catch you ! }}}

Just been into Burger King and had a whopper

It took three flushes before it went

I played pool with an owl last night. I broke and potted the White. I said,"two hits". The owl said, "Two hits to who".

I played pool with an owl last night. I broke and potted the White. I said,"two hits". The owl said, "Two hits to who".- Chris

{{  }}}

Teacher- Billy if there 5 birds sitting on a fence and one gets shot, how many birds are there left?

Billy- None Miss, the other four would fly away.

Teacher- Well no, its four Billy, but I like the way you think.

Billy- I've one for you Miss. If there are three women at an ice-cream van each with an ice cream each and one licks it, one bites it and one sucks it. Which one is married?

Teacher-  Um....the one that's sucking?

Billy- No Miss, it's the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you think.

What goes, clip…………clop………...clip…………clop………...clip…………clop…………,


BANG!


clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop?







An Amish drive-by shooting.

The other day I was in the kitchen. I lent over the pan and started stirring the food with my head.
My dad walked in and said "You'll never get a girlfriend if you behave like that!"
I said "I know, I'll always be a spatula."

Good grief !!!

WARNING. There is a virus going around on facebook where you get an inbox claiming you've won a years supply of meat. If you get one ignore it........ It's spam.

Went to the doctor today. I said "Do you treat alcoholics" He said "Of course I do". I said "Great, get your coat, I'm skint".

I actually didn't get the first one right away. Too indoctrinated in this computer jargon.