In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

bungobaggins wrote:I saw the trailers for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, and... some movie about Hercules, and another one that I forgot.

I could only wish for 3 trailers Bungo, We had 28 minutes of trailers not to mention all the theater adds for shutting of cell phones, advertising concessions, and letting everyone know where the exits are just like on an airplane. I seriously almost forgot what movie I went to see... I will say the "Secret Life of Walter Mitty" looks pretty good but the "Edge of Tomorrow" one with Tom Cruise looks like crap IMO

My wife thought the movie was a boring as hell and then kept asking during the film, "is that in the book?". To which I had to constantly reply, "NO!!! it is not in the book" Thankfully I must have had other anti Jackson people around me because I was always hearing comments like "what a bunch of crap", "Really?!!?" or "WTF?!?" one guy even yelled "HEY!, That's not in the story, this is just stupid!" which my wife smacked me for chuckling out loud (very loud) at

Oh, I just remembered the third trailer. It was for a movie about the Coca-Cola polar bears.

  

So you guys are seriously waiting 25 minutes after the movie start time for the movie to begin?

So, Im going to see DOS with a priest...to pray for ME
An envoy from the Vatican.....to perform an exorcism
And an undertaker........to bury this shit

Sinister71 wrote:My wife thought the movie was a boring as hell and then kept asking during the film, "is that in the book?". To which I had to constantly reply, "NO!!! it is not in the book" Thankfully I must have had other anti Jackson people around me because I was always hearing comments like "what a bunch of crap", "Really?!!?" or "WTF?!?" one guy even yelled "HEY!, That's not in the story, this is just stupid!" which my wife smacked me for chuckling out loud (very loud) at

I almost wish I was watching the movie in that theater

bungobaggins wrote:So you guys are seriously waiting 25 minutes after the movie start time for the movie to begin?

25 minutes is a bit extreme, but yes, that's how long I waited. Usually it's closer to 15 minutes.

I hope with this post to clear up any misunderstandings caused by my pre-review reactions that I posted yesterday immediately after seeing DoS.

I see now that at the time I posted it I was intoxicated with dark glee about what I felt would surely be the end of people defending PJackson for his mistreatment and misguided diminishing revisions to the Tolkien stories that were his sacred charge...

My critique of the Desolation of Smaug (which probably will make more billions of dollars than any movie in history) 12-14-13

Gentle reader:

FAIR WARNING THIS REVIEW REVIELS A LOT OF THE STORY, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW DETAILS - DON'T READ IT TILL YOU SEE IT
IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR CRITISISMS DIRECTED TOWARDS THE MAKERS STOP READING NOW. I DON'T INTEND TO IMPLY THAT PEOPLE WHO DO IN FACT LIKE DOS ARE SOMEHOW INFERIOR OR LESS OF A TOLKIEN FAN THAN I AM OR THAT I AM WISER OR BETTER THAN THEM. THESE WORDS THAT FOLLOW ARE - ONLY MY OPINION

The following is my initial review after viewing DOS. It does not come near to expressing all the details or reasons why I personally feel it to be a film that is
so unbelievably horrible as to be nearly guaranteed to become legendary (in a bad way.)

I know it is a very long and wordy review, but believe me when I say I could have made it way way longer were I to care to include all the bad things.

I don't even know where to start but before I go into specifics I will begin with some of the fatal flaws in the presentation of this film which, in case you couldn't figure out where this great story line came from, was (and I quote P.Jackson) "based upon the book The Hobbit by JRR. Tolkien" you know and love along with "the appendices from LOTR"  & the nebulous and mysterious unknown "notes of JRR. Tolkien himself."

In order to be a successful film maker or story teller, I was taught in school that a writer has to somehow win an audiences interest and draw them into the story. Then build some form of regard for the characters to either cause viewers/ readers to like or dislike them. This leads ideally to some level of concern (or lack of) for their well being, safety, and their success or failure. In the case of fantasy or extraordinary events you must somehow coax a reader to suspend disbelief... DOS never did either for me.

The apparent Star of the film, Thorin Oakenshield, was a rude and arrogant ungrateful jerk with enough variations in character and time out of the spotlight to not quite cause me to wish him suffering or death or success. He was just annoying and unlikable. I realize fully that in the Book TH he was basically like this too, but in the book he was a secondary character and not the star of the show - who is responsible to carry the weight of the story's burdens.

Thorin's main supporting actor was Bilbo Baggins, a somewhat likable Hobbit who was appartently fearless and bold in the face of death, but flawed with insecurites, somewhat clumsy and a liar, and also one who displayed frequent bad judgement in choosing to either not use his magic ring or to use it and then take it off at the crisis moments in several life and death situations. These crisis moments included:  him being involved with huge spiders who had captured and were preparing to eat his companions and the fearsome and terrible Smaug the dragon, destroyer of kingdoms and villages, infamous for killing hundreds if not thousands of folks.

The Bilbo from the book TH also had some of these traits but he didn't give me the impression of being fearless or foolish. He certainly didn't take his ring off when his life was on the line so he could look the spider directly in the eye and stab him, or to taunt the dragon while looking him straight into the eye in plain view and in the open with no exit plan. Bilbo in TH had flaws no doubt, but with JRR's excellent character development skills I came to like him and wish him well.

That never happened in the film; I never grew to like the DoS Bilbo. There really was very little character development for anyone period.
I did grow a little fond of Balin. A few of the other dwarves seemed ok sometimes, I guess, but I never got to know them very much because they basically weren't developed.

Concerning Gandalf:

Although I came to this film already pretty much liking him from previously seeing LOTR, I found myself changing my feelings about him - morphing into not really liking him or respecting him. Here was the great Istari sent by Manwe to Middle Earth to be the primary foe of Sauron. In DoS he seemed less like a powerful and decisive leader and protector of his companions and Middle Earth, and more like a flaky, forgetful early stage Alzheimer's disease sufferer (no offence intended towards Alzheimer's disease sufferers).
I mean really, what kind of guy would let his fellow wizard buddy walk around for what, a month? weeks in any case, without ever telling him he has a huge clump of bird crap all over the side of his head that he needs to wipe off because it is gross and silly looking?

In a new twist from the THAUJ:

The former target of jokes the loonie shroomer, space case Radigast, appeared to be much more with it than the grey wandering wizard in DoS besides the ever present (I am betting the exact same) bird doo-doo glob as the first movie.

After Gandalf gets his telepathic message from Galadriel to come quick to the high dells, he for some reason appears to cross back over the Misty mts on this crazy Moria remenicent scene. I thought to get to Dol Guldor from their path into Mirkwood you just followed the river down the edge of Mirkwood, but for some reason or another he wants to go back over the mts. Probably a short cut?

The Dol Guldor scenes are so stupid and trite that I hate to even speak of them. The Gandalf/Sauron showdown is just weak and pointless. After the grey loses the white against black light show contest, he is captured and left hanging in an iron bird cage until, let me guess, a moth flies by and goes to tell an eagle to come save him in the next film. Either that or Galadriel will come and save him.

The Elves were all pricks as they were in the book with some new foolishness added but minus the light magical playfulness of the disappearing woods party. They lived in this dangerous and impractacle floor planned cave that upon first seeing it from the outside made me think of what Thingol and Melian's Doraith might look like, which was cool by me.

Oh my god yes, then there is the whole love triangle tomfoolery which I won't even go into it is so disturbing to me. They introduce Tauriel, you know - the hotty elf warrior chick that is so common in JRR's writings of elf women. I suppose the teenage girls needed a chick warrior to see and admire and dream of becoming. In Tauriel's defense, I can't really blame her for falling for that handsome non-dwarf looking dwarf guy.
Leggy was a total prick and acting weird and kind of scary all the time, probably because his evil daddy forbade him from getting with a lowly sylvan elf like her.

The pair did display some mighty fancy foot work however, time and again and again and tiresome again, while causually slaying piles of big scary looking inept orcs. They would jump and slide or walk on the heads of dwarves in a barrel on a raging river whilst shooting arrows left and right and never failing to get one or two of the big scary harmless Azog (or whomevers) crew that was seemed always on the heels of our heros.

To my memory, these fearsome appearing super orcs couldn't even kill a single creature through the entire film. Only with the aid of the super dupper "Morgul arrow," for gods sake, could they sort of slow Kili down for a while. It is hard to fear for our suggested heros when these big bad orcs show up, because as scary and disgusting as they appear they basically just gross everyone out but never really hurt anyone (except maybe someone's feelings).

The Big bad Azog or Bolg or whoever crew appear again in Laketown, climbing around on the roofs and basically running through the town raising hell while not a single man appears to try and defend their homes or families. But no fear for our heros because Leggy and Tauriel pop up to kill them or drive them off.
Tauriel then saves her new handsome dwarf friend who is on deaths door from the dreaded Morgul arrow voodoo, doing the whole Arwen healing-while-glowing act and, thanks be to Eru, the laketowners happen to have some of the ever precious and useful Kingsfoil handy because they feed it to their pigs.

Leggy then chases Azog or Bolg I guess or who the hell ever. In a perfect situation to kill him from a safe distance, he decides to not shoot him full of arrows (as is his style even in close quarters with a foe). Instead, he chooses to run quite a ways to him and engage this muscle bound Super Orc who has probably 200 lbs more muscle than him in hand to hand fighting. This goes back and forth for way too long till Leggy roughly "elf handles"  Bolg and repeatedly slams his big thick impotent head into a wood post for a while. At some point Leggy dramatically turns and shows his injury. He got a little tiny bloody nose trickle and now he is Pissed! Bolg takes off running and catches the first Warg taxi out of town with Leggy hot on his heals not to return for the rest of the film, thanks be to Illuvitar.

These characters, none of which I felt connected to or cared one way or another if they lived or died, were getting in huge video game like melees everytime the story fell flat to bring it back from the dead, which was all too often.

So our intended heros survive these trials, and many others I don't care to discuss. Then Thorin and the gang split Laketown abandoning three from their troop of dwarves to run off to get to the secret door before Durin's Day gets there. They fail to find the key hole so Thorin just throws away the key and all the dwarves split. Bilbo stays and sees the door but, like the klutz he is in this film, drops the key which falls off the ledge but miraculously all the Dwarves materialize out of thin air and Thorin quickly steps on the key string to save his clumsy hobbit friends from a Doooohhhh moment.

Bilbo is then sent down to the dragon's lair to find the magical Arkenstone which will unite the 7 Dwarf kingdoms, for gods sake.
So he barges into the middle of the huge open hall talking to himself and making lots of noise.  He searches around this huge cavernous space for the Arkenstone, apparently fearless & unconcerned about the alledged dragon because he doesn't even use his magic ring. Smaug is a heavy sleeper and doesn't wake up until Bilbo makes more of a racket.

At this point he remembers to put on the ring and then chats cooly with the Destroyer of Erebor for a while.  He decides to take off the ring and boldly does the big no no of fantasy and looks the dragon right in the eye. Apparently this has no effect on his iron strong mind and he runs about the halls evaiding (the reputedly) deadly and mighty Smaug while this ineffective dragon thrashes about knocking the superstructure of the halls to bits and blasting huge ineffective (but cool and impressive looking) flames all about the place.

The rest of the gang shows up, boldly walking in to help their hired hobbit out of a pinch by intimidating Smaug I guess with their hard looks or something?

Then things get really pathetic... for what seemed like a half an hour, our heros run about the halls under the mt. with Smaug hot on their heels while they evade him, God only knows how. On and on they run about somehow avoiding the fire and debris unscathed. At one point the currently impotent destroyer of Erebor actually has Thorin standing on his mouth, a foot on either jaw, yet still he can't hurt the star of the movie who once again gets away to dash about.
This goes on and on with many more silly silly things happening, some too silly for me even to repeat at this time for I grow tired.

Finally, after proving unable to harm a single one of our intended heros, Smaug, the allegedly terrible, decides to leave and go hurt some lakelanders because he knows that will hurt Bilbo's feelings. So he bursts through the side of the mt. and flys away leaving our hobbit friend and his dwarf buddies alive and unhurt. The end.


I have been kinda free and silly here with my play-by-play but basically what I have said is how I remember those events... When the lights came up the twelve or so people in the room were just sitting there silent and blank. I only chuckled to myself quietly a few times during this unbelievable movie and I am kind of proud of that.

So basically I liked this film because it was so over the top, a virtual geiser of silly weak crap, that I can't see how it is possible that many people will admire or appreciate or praise the makers of it while keeping a straight face.

I don't see an Oscar in the future , but with the mass' bad taste Eru can only tell. While I know the makers will no doubt earn billions of dollars from DoS and will be laughing all the way to the bank as it were, (and that makes me a little ill I suppose) I got to believe that down the road with time DoS will be known as the pile of nonsense and fecal material that it in fact it is.

It could be that I wasn't reading the full version of the appendices that the makers were privy to, or perhaps the notes JRR himself wrote were in fact the legitimate source of the story as told. I can't be sure I guess.

In a later post I will discuss the things about this film which I did like and consider well done.

I can only apologise for misunderstanding you the way I did, MotaA - I was in a hurry, and so I read your and Bungo's review hurriedly. I wish that I had waited. The good thing is we seem to agree after all Great review, Jackson deserves every single negative one coming his way. I look forward to reading your positive one, as I found nothing positive to say about the film myself, save two or three scenes that would have been good if there were any preceding character development to support them.

I tried but failed to link something, I will try later.
Its ok, I understand your confusion. When I wrote my initial reaction I wasn't quite in my right mind as was less than clear with my thoughts.

Thanks for the review, MotA. The Smaug scenes sound incredibly bad.

You are welcome Rad, the smaug scenes were actually WAY more insane and numbing than I could express at the time...and nothing personal about the bird ca ca comments... 

Hi All, I saw Desolation of Canon this morning, I have neither the energy memory or enthusiasm to write a long review, and I'm not entirely sure this will make sense anyway:

My thoughts:

The Good:

-The CGI is much less ropier in certain places

-The look of the film seemed much less fake, and at points I was able to forget that it was shot on a soundstage.

-The slapstick seemed less forced

-Bard was very good, loved the Welsh accent and his expanded role, even if he isn't grim or old enough in the film for my liking. His children on the other hand smack of marketing, frnakly I wish they had been hidden in the toilet instead of the dwarves.


-Balin, Bombur and Bofur continue to be very likeable characters, and aren't dwarves I'd consider punching in the face

-Smaug looked and sounded BRILLIANT-but WHY THE FERK wasn't he red gold to begin with!!!

-Azog looks slighty less like a Engineer from Prometheus, and has much less screentime.

-Tauriel as a character is surprisingly tolerable, and convincing in the cinematic world Jackson has built-even if her dialogue and 'I'm perfect' persona smacks of Boyens fulfilling a childhood fantasy

-Some of the Action sequences seemed to be better choreographed and cinematic-ok the barrel chase was overblown nonsense but it did at least look like they storyboarded it, it moved at a better pace and was visually much more appealing than the Goblin Town shite. Shoot me if you want but the spider sequence works well in the film without the attercop song.

-Lee Pace has the potential to be great, if only his material improves...

-The pace seemed less erratic, and the cast are largely great.

-Martin Freeman seemed more comfortable this time around, and he retains a wonderful sense of comic timing

-Laketown was visually well designed with an interesting mix of ethnic groups, and I'm loving the visual potential of Smaug burning it down in the Snow.

-More location shooting

-It was shorter than AUJ

-Less Radghastly

-I did enjoy it much more as a stand alone film.

BUT-that's all relative it was not a great film by any means, and less Tolkien than Leonard Nimoy's Ballad of Bilbo Baggins.


The Bad:

-Smaug's fight with the Dwarves was F*CKING APALLING, drawn out, boring, inconsistent and very Crytsal Skullish, perhaps the only time in the cinema I literally wanted to   Utterly stupid and pointless

-Richard Armitage as Thorin continues to annoy me INTENSELY

-The Prologue in Bree was pointless plodding fan fiction.

-Way too long and too short at the same time

-Too much filler, not enough Bilbo

-Beorn was SHIT SHIT SHIT, end of discussion

-Legolas still remains an over active ninja plank

-Mirkwood was rushed to buggery

-Ham fisted dialogue in abundance-'This is OUR fight'-No that script is SHITE.

-The Love story        

-Thrandy's scar very silly and confusing

-Legolas seeming more important than Bilbo.

-Smaug turning into a slow paced idiot with bad hearing-We GET it! You are toying with your prey, but seriously you burn down a whole civilization but can't catch 9 dwarves?

-The cliffhanger ending

-The TERRIBLE rehash of the Healing scene from FOTR-we get it it's a prequel!

-Too many STUPID attempts to wring drama at the cost of character development-the dwarves walking way from the Door or Erebor, The High Fells being empty rather pointless and a poor excuse to get Radaghast and Gandalf togther-if you are going to make up some fan fiction AT LEAST make it Interesting!!!

-Stephen Fry was AWFUL, Phoned in his performance whilst counting his paycheck, sad considering I like the guy.

-Alfrid was a poor rehash of Wormtongue

-The Music was very underwhelming again

-No Dain, Talking Thrush or Christopher Lee               

-BUT most importantly it didn't feel like The Hobbit at all, nor was it an major improvement over AUJ, nor truly stood alone as a film. As I said above I did enjoy it more...but you can be entertained watching something fail. Once more I am on the fence with this film. WHY oh WHY did they have to make it into 3?


I can't really rate it as a whole some parts rank as a 1, some as a 7...so maybe 'Good Enough I suppose providing I don't intend to bring my brain or sympathy to the film with me, I might watch it again but I don't really know what would draw me in-am I revealing in the failure or enjoying the experience' could sum it up.



One thing I did notice coming out of the film...I no longer really care if it matches the book or not (ok a few exceptions)...I've finally realized Jackson dosen't understand Tolkien. It's a shame he dosen't completely understand how to make a good film either.

Meh.

The Smaug scene is the one I'm really struggling the most with the description of. It makes him seem so utterly defeatable.  

Music of the Ainur wrote:You are welcome Rad, the smaug scenes were actually WAY more insane and numbing than I could express at the time...and nothing personal about the bird ca ca comments... 

No offense taken. My s/n is intentionally misspelled—And my avatar speaks for itself, I think

A link to a thoughtful gift provided by the makers of DOS at the theater. This links to my pinterest page if anyone is interested as well.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/508343876661849735/

My favourite part in Erebor was when Thorin said 'if this is to end in fire, then let us all burn together' and then they hastened to spilt into 3 or 4 groups and run around divided

So, Im going to see DOS with a priest...to pray for ME
An envoy from the Vatican.....to perform an exorcism
And an undertaker........to bury this shit - Azriel


  

A good detailed review Music. Thanks a good read. Lacked a bit of fiery crabbit, but it seems in the face of this film most folks crabbit melts into a sort of disbelieving ill humour.

Simu post Malick- a fresh buckie and I shall tackle your review next!

Just read your review Malick- thanks for posting your thought.

I am really not going to like this am I?   

malickfan wrote:-Too many STUPID attempts to wring drama at the cost of character development-the dwarves walking way from the Door or Erebor...

Well, at least no one said the dwarven word for 'friend'...

Thanks for the review.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Just read your review Malick- thanks for posting your thought.

I am really not going to like this am I?   

Not a dwarf's chance in Erebor—the book, not the movie

Interesting, I liked Stephen Fry's performance, and it was one of the very (very very very) few things I liked. We may still see talking trushes, though, but not in Laketown as Bard already knows how to kill the dragon. Since the film ends with Smaug flying off to Laketown we might still see some talking thrushes flying between Dain and Thorin with messages, but I'm not convinced. Either way I'll have to read about it next December, I'm not watching the third film if I can help it

Oh but Petty I believe and trust that you will like it. I can't hardly wait now til the 3rd installment entitled perhaps- The Hobbit ~ a complete and total departure from all but the most abstract and superficial resemblance to the Classic tale by JRR. Tolkien.

I feel ill   

Music of the Ainur wrote:A link to a thoughtful gift provided by the makers of DOS at the theater. This links to my pinterest page if anyone is interested as well.

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/508343876661849735/

@ your description on the page