In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

Recoveryanonymous wrote "the rights remain locked up with it. If he wants to make some farce, fine. But I want an adaptation of the Hobbit in the meantime. So hurry up and be done already so someone else can make an adaptation!"

Yes, I think these same thoughts and they bum me out. Not only did they do such a piss poor job... they own the rights

Of course some day someone will come along who has the common sense to do TLOTR and TH again as they were written and create master works, but chances are that won't be in my lifetime. I hope I am wrong but I fear I am not.
I have made my peace with that though. I can always re- read them as I do every few years. But it sure would be cool to see them done well on screen.

I suppose the real drag was getting my hopes up by finally seeing these tales put to film after waiting for 40 years and then having such a weak effort put forth by this egotist fool named PJ who took the gem handed to him only to cheapen and revise it by throwing away brilliant writing to be replaced by his "improved" crapola.
How is it even possible that he could honestly judge his revisions were improvements to the stories?

I will say again as I said in one of my early posts here months ago.

I honestly don't believe that PJ truly liked the LOTR or TH stories let alone love them. If he did how would he ever decide to change them so much or how could he have ever been delusional enough to honestly believe his clueless revisions were anything but the weak crap they are?

He didn't think the stories were strong enough to stand as they were so he had to "improve" them with his Brilliant sensibilities. I just want to vomit on him.

Hahahaha I guess I am still fairly bitter. I thought I had worked through this angst last year but I guess not.

Oh well, maybe a good comedy will help me find peace.
Maybe I will go see this new movie about the Handsome dwarf and his friends... I hear it is fairly funny.

Nice solid crabbit display there! I feel your pain, at least as far as The Hobbit goes.

Ok so I just saw it, and I only need to write one review.
Just some overall things. The similarities to LOTR were outrageously numerous and it felt very much like I was watching Fellowship all over again. I was done with it all when Thorin said, "What say you?" I didn't believe the romance between Kili and Tauriel at all, particularly because it was so forced. You could feel the canon trying to squeeze it out of the story. I covered my eyes for most of their gooshy parts because I wanted to scream. Yet another similarity to FOTR, I was covering my eyes most of the time! Particularly when Thranduil quite literally made his scar appear from nothing. It is by far the biggest WTF moment in the film IMO. Sauron looks like a vagina, uncannily so. The effects in Dol Guldur were pretty shitty as well.

To be honest though, I actually found myself enjoying the film up until the dwarves left for the mountain. Then it all went down hill. But I'll talk about the good for a little bit. I loved Legolas. He was one of my favorite parts. His character was simple, yet defined. Everything he did made sense, even chasing after Bolg because he made his nose bleed. That fight was weird, because Legolas was stumbling about afterward, which we've never seen him do before. The nose bleed was funny because we all know that (movie) Legolas never gets dirty, and I guess they've created a back story as to why. Thranduil seemed younger than Legolas, which I guess is because Lee Pace looked reeeealllly young and kind of acted childish. The bit about the pants with Kili wasn't said sexually, but rather innocently. What got me pissed off was when he saw her literally in a halo. Then he goes off on some stupid monologue about how beautiful Tauriel is that made even Tauriel look extremely uncomfortable. All the lines felt like they were shoved in and weren't believeable. Even though it was CG, Leggy and Tauriel's fighting was pretty awesome to watch.
Everything with Bilbo in it seemed kind of out of place, and the thing he stabs to get the ring back looks like the thing that ate Andy Serkis in King Kong. The "Thank you very much" was in there, but not said with cold. Smaug reminded me of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. I thought he talked too much, and they spent way too long in the dragon's lair.
The whole plot of the movie felt like it was going somewhere, then it got thrown to shit as soon as Laketown was over. I'm not sure at which part Figgs left, but I wish I had, too. There was an endless chase seen in Erebor that seemed really dumb and unnecessary. The wheel barrow thing wasn't as bad as we thought. He just floats on it down a trough of molten gold. See? I'm getting off track just talking about the plot! They quite literally took every moment from the book they could and used it in some way to embellish the story, making it feel bloated and unfocused. The film reminded me of the papers I usually write that start out strong but end up as an unorganized train of thought by the end. I find myself thinking that yes they do need three films. There was plenty of material that they barely touched on that could have been fleshed out and developed. Lake town felt like it was missing a scene. In fact the EE of DOS will probably be entirely Lake town bits. I spotted Colbert and his kids! Colbert is wearing an eyepatch. You'll know him when you see him.
I had to pee during the middle of it, so I don't know why the dwarves give up on finding the door.
I'm really frustrated. That movie had loads of potential and it was all thrown away in an attempt to bloat. Petty, you'll have loads to edit, and I think your version will be the one I saw behind the fretful time-filling.


If anyone wants more information, please ask me! There's more I want to talk about, but I also want to sleep! Until tomorrow... or later today I guess....

I feel physically sick at the reviews from all of you ! The sheer unbelievability of it all is to hard to accept ! NO, I will NOT go to see it ! NO, PJ wont get one penny of my very limited income ! There are other ways to see films ! I want a night out of enjoyment NOT to end up either at a local police station because a punch up has broken out,OR,end up in A&E suffering from either a heart attack or waiting to be sectioned to a near by loony bin because some NZ wanking bastard has triggered an attack !          

I'm not even reading these deliciously depressing reviews yet. I will go see it Saturday, and then when I return home, sick and saddened with depression, I will sit down with some hot chocolate and my laptop and spend a good 3 hours writing down my own thoughts and reading all of yours.
Thanks for being there Forumshire, you are instant therapy.

Long was this Doom foretold.  

srsly.
I actually preferred AUJ at least I could sit there without butt chafing. I dont think there are expletives on the Earth bad enough for what Petty and Sinister are going to say. Its ironic that I imagined going to see it and me not seeing the end of the film because Petty walks out, I wouldnt have imagined it was me that left.   I was lucky I saw it alone, I wouldnt have liked to spoil anyones fun.
There are so many horrible bits that keep popping into my mind, like when Tauriel has healed Kili and she is haloed in what looks like light coming from the lavatory behind her head, Kili starts rambling on (it was in Italian and maybe the transalation is off) about thinking Tauriel is his mum running in the stary fields of Asgaroth or some such tosh, anyway Tauriel blushes.
The Elves are made out to be arrogant jerks apart from Tauriel.
Its dreary plastic boring arrogant garbage with a few tiny flashes of its former glory as small as those sparks Flying out of the chimney at Bagend.

NZ does look quite beautiful though and this kept me in my seat more than anything else. The landscapes made it bearable. But obviously Laketown and Erebor were all cgi so thats where my brain switched off.

JESUS F*CKING CHRIST.

Is it REALLY THAT BAD?????

                                                                                                                                               


Well...at least I'm prepared.

yeah sorry to say but it is, even worse than AUJ by a mile or two. At least in AUJ Bagend and Riddles at least tried to be faithful.DOS has nearly nothing, I bet Petty will get 30 minutes tops out of an edit, maybe less, its ALL bloat and crappy bloat at that. Its nearly all about Sauron and the Ring and then a half an hour frenzy of stupidity at the end.

Bards kids are useless additions. They just run around boggle eyed. The Laketown extras are up close and irritating. Stephen Fry, well I hope he got paid well. As for Alfrid and his fake ''open the barrels, wait I change my mind at the last minute'' guffaw moment. pffft.

At the moment the only beacon of hope is Petty's Parody-at least that will make me laugh intentionally.  

I can't wait to read some Tolkien Scholar reviews, I don't think Flieger or Shippey will be as forgiving this time around...

THANK YOU guys and gals for forewarning me of the shitstorm, hopefully I can calm down and enjoy Smaug and the cast at least...

And remember my thread-Look on the bright side there is NO WAY Jackson will be able to butcher the rest of the books.

Well I will watch every gruelling pathetic minute of it, as my natural Scottish inclination to get all of what I pay for should kick in and hopefully make me see it out.

As to crabbit levels they are already through the roof, Eru knows what actually watching the bloody thing is going to do.   

Buckle down, strap yourselves in and put on a crash helmet- there's a crabbit explosion on the horizon!

Maybe you could use this for your review, Petty.  

I like that!   

Thought you might find some use for it.   

As for the early scene in Bree, here's the dialogue snippet from the appendices it's based on:

"Master Gandalf, I know you only by sight, but now I should be glad to speak with you. For you have often come into my thoughts of late, as if I was bidden to seek you. Indeed I should have done so, if I had known where to find you."

Gandalf looked at him with wonder. "That is strange Thorin Oakenshield," he said. "For I have thought of you also; and though I am on my way to the Shire it was in my mind that is the way also to your halls."

"Call them so, if you will," said Thorin. "They are only poor lodgings in exile. But you would be welcome there, if you would come. For they say you are wise and know more than any other of what goes on in the world; and I have much on my mind and would be glad of your councel."

"I will come," said Gandalf; "for I guess that we share one trouble at least. The Dragon of Erebor is on my mind, and I do not think he will be forgotten by the grandson of Thrór."

For those of you who has seen the movie, do you remember if it turned out anything like that?

They probably heavily rewrote that as well, just wondered.

erm not sure, I remember the bit about the Dragon but its all a bit vague. I am going again on Saturday with Mr Figg so I will have a better chance to remember everything.

I think the reason why I was able to enjoy the movie was because I went in with no expectations. I honestly didn't think it was as bad as everyone is making it out to be. Go into it knowing it's a made as a prequel to LOTR, and it's much more bearable. Then you only get crabbit at some parts, but kind of enjoy others. It's just pissing me off so much because there was so much potential for it to be good, and it was wasted on trying to shove everything they could into one movie. There is a lot to be crabbit about, yes, but the movie IS SALVAGEABLE! It's worth the watch. I gave it a 6/10 as an overall film. I won't say as an adaptation because I think everyone should still see it!

There are two things, however, that made me really uncomfortable. The scar on Thranduil's face (it was so out of place and weird and irrelevant it makes me shiver. Not to mention it was gross) and the completely out of character romance between Tauriel and Kili. Beware of those two things really, and forget about the Dragon. Leggy was cool, though how he gets bested by one boss after effortlessly taking out the trash up until that point was stupid, but new. And why the fuck does Bolg have Morgul arrows? And why shoot Kili with one? Stupid. Not new. Just a lot of forced emotional stakes. Kili and Tauriel should have a strictly platonic relationship, because in DOS all of her choices are based off of Kili. She leaves Leggy to fight Bolg all by himself so she can heal Kili! Dick move there. And when the dwarves are trying to escape the mountain, they're walking quite literally right below Smaug, and they've already established he can smell them just from being around Bilbo, yet not when they're directly below him?

Tinuviel wrote:Thranduil seemed younger than Legolas, which I guess is because Lee Pace looked reeeealllly young and kind of acted childish.

Yeah, Pace is two years younger than Bloom.

Yeah and it showed.

BUT REALLY EVERYONE! JUST AT LEAST GO AND SEE IT AND DO NOT LOOK AT IT AS AN ADAPTATION! Look at it as a spinoff of the book and it's sooooo much more enjoyable! All the stupid stuff is still stupid, but this way the few things that are similar to the book make you happy when they show up because it feels like a happy coincidence!!!

It looks like a unintended joke, so it might be good for a larf. Also, the Honest Trailer, Cinema Sins and PT's rewrite for this thing will probably be funnier if I watched the movie. But, still, no way I'm paying any money to watch it, unless RiffTrax makes a track for it.

I wish I could be as generous & optimistic as you Tin ! I fear my heart & soul has shriveled to the size of a peanut over the years,

You elves are gracious to a fault yer Majesty!

I shall respond to it in the only way I can- things that make me crabbit make me crabbit- if what I see is not one of them I shall happily report it, but from what I have heard I can see few other possibilities but a crabbit response. Possibly of epic proportions.

I guess I let my love of the original trilogy get to me, so I found myself able to enjoy the few parts that related. It's more entertaining at least than AUJ. The only unwatchable parts were the dragon and the romance! The dragon only when the dwarves get involved!

i think the my favourite bit was thranduil.... and he seemed much older than legolas.

 I wish Thrandy was in it more. There were moments where he acted more bratty then Legolas, but then Legolas would act more bratty at other times. Well, like father like son

I came back home from work to change, but my showing starts in half an hour so I've got to head out! I'll post my thoughts (hopefully including a lengthy review) when I get back. Fingers crossed that I end up agreeing with Tin!

By the sounds of this place it could be really difficult to be positive about this one. But I'll be damned if I don't go down fighting. Going to see it in a couple hours.

I WILL enjoy it.

I WILL enjoy it...

I will probably enjoy it.

I may enjoy it.

I'm not going to enjoy it am I?