Agent Nora and the Weird Vegtables of Blood

On her way back to the station Nora decided to walk instead of driving she loved freezing her bits off (have I told you dear reader she was odd?). There was a deep blanket of snow, and the whole town was silent, and white, with bits of pink intertwingled for aesthetic effect.
Suddenly someone called to her from down a garden path.
'Help, help!, groaned the voice, it seemed to be coming from up a tree. Nora looked up and saw RecoveryAnonymous, or Rodney to his friends, up a gum tree without a paddle.
'whatchoo doing up there Rodders? she said. She knew Rodders was not usually to be found up trees. He was normally to be found chained to railings, or wandering around the town in a sandwich board written in Sindarin Elvish demanding MERP rights, and an end to Green Tight and Pointy Boot discrimination. He fought the good fight, the right for those in middle management to 'DREAM', (and jolly good luck to him).
Nora was not so understanding or sensitive to the needs of those of us over the age of 30 who feel the need to escape harsh reality for fantastical sillyness. She was YOUNG, and the YOUNG are as you know dear reader, quite merciless and shockingly sweary and open about 'rude stuff'.
Anyways she thought the Oldies were bizarre, and how right she was.
'Rodders, come down this minute you plonker!'. she shouted. Her police training kicking in like clockwork.
'Cant', he wimpered. 'There be weird fruit starin at me' he whispered back.

azriel wrote:"I'm obsessed with sexual experimentation with fruit.

Well, that's what my currant girlfriend says."

Very droll, Azriel, so very!

"Nora looked up and saw RecoveryAnonymous, or Rodney to his friends, up a gum tree without a paddle.
'whatchoo doing up there Rodders? she said. She knew Rodders was not usually to be found up trees."

So much goin' on in such little time...

You make me giggle so, Mrs Figg - there should be a law against people like you - and I'm sure there is... ' cause if you were legal you'd not be half the fun, I'm sure!

'oh get a grip Rodders', she said. Getting a bit peeved. Even she was starting to feel rather chilly, and she didnt want to miss the Mexican wrestling on tv.
ok Nora' he said in a quavering voice. 'Just dont let those kumquats sink their gnashers in me'.
yeah yeah!
Rodney shinned down the tree and stood there in his Aragorn Coronation outfit.
'Wow Rodders!, you look spiffing tonight' she said in open mouthed admiration. 'But why didnt you smite those little kumquats with Anduril the Flame of the West?
He flashed her a steely look. I am only Aragorn when I am on terra ferma, silly wench. 'When I am in a tree I lose all my powers'.
'oh of course, silly me', said Nora. She knew the night was only going to go down hill from here.

Yeah, Nora! Don't you now nothin'? !

But enough of that... what next Mrs Figg, me emu eggs are rollicking in tensioness just now!

Note: Emu eggs are blue!




Nothing good can come of that!

So it's just the 'cold'... and not Mrs Figgs' tensionings after all? Is that what you're sayin' David? Is it?

All I'm saying is if my eggs were that colour, I'd call a professional FAST!

You mean... it couldn't be cured by mere 'heating', David?

Eggs can be very fragile. As a farmer I would hesitate to put those in the hands of an amateur!

Mrs Figg, you're clearly no amateur.... I don't suppose you could lend me a hand!

David H wrote: {{{Halfwise, who is Bottomless Mimosas??? }}}

{{{ Well, there was this girl with a pitcher in her hand I found hard to resist and um....let's just say it took me hours to recover. }}}

Nora watched Rodders charge down the street, his long shanks making light work of the drifts, he had his sword out and Nora hoped there were no lurking bananas looking for thrills.
The normally brightly lit station was dark and empty as she walked by, 'thats funny' thought Nora, 'there should be someone on duty through the night. She used her key and walked down the empty corridors. Normally Agent Azriel and Petty did the night shift. They preferred the Tim Burtonesque Gothic undertones of night work. Petty sometimes held his AA meetings in one of the rooms. Apologist Asskicking for beginners, going on to PJ Lovers General Taunting, and for advanced levels, The Scottish Bunny Sled Independance league, with cakes and tea to follow.
But tonight all was empty and unearthly quiet. Where was everyone?
Nora let herself out and walked stealthily to the edge of town to where Petty lived. It was a funny part of town. The green grass seemed strangely juxtapositioned against the other green grass. There was even a demarcation line, where the snow suddenly stopped and the grass started. 'thas odd' thought Nora, and there was a funny smell in the air, sweet yet tart, a bit like beer vomit, but not.
Nora pressed her pert nose to the steamy window and goggled at the scene before her.
There was Petty and Agent Azriel, a huge tub of broiling Buckie in the middle of the room. Out of the tub jumped little veggies, their teeth glinting in the candle lights. Azriel was towelling them down and putting little boots on their twiggy feet. Petty was talking to them, and they seemed to be listening in wrapt attention, every so often a little turnip would hold its hand up to ask a question.
Nora strained to listen, but couldnt hear anything so she walked to the back of the cottage and snuck in to the darkened kitchen.

priceless !!

Nora burst in, hands on hips, which is quite a difficult look to master without looking like a pantomime Peter Pan. She however had mastered it.
'what the f**** H****** is F******* here?' she rumbled.
30 pairs of eyes stared at her in shocked silence, and 30 pairs of little boots knocked together in fear.
'Well I hope you are proud of yourself? barging in and scaring the veggies? said Petty angrily.
'um..I..sorry.. but WTF' said Nora sadly. 'whats going on and why do you have tiny vampire veggies in the living room eh?'
'Its my twins idea', said Azriel, 'its all his doing'. 'She pointed a finger at Petty. 'We cant stop them breeding in the Buckie, all we can do is make sure they make it safely to Daves farm.
'What happens at Daves farm? said Nora, fearing the worst.
'Oh nothing BAD, said Petty. 'Theres a timey wimey wormhole thingie that Halfwise made in an afternoon after a particularily heavy session with Mimosa a large bottomed barmaid and a Boson Higgs particle. They all go to Veggielandia, which is a bit like OZ, but without the Munchkins. Halfwise reckons these are the veggie equivalent of Munchkins, only vampires. 'Its all very simple really when you are as intelligent as me'. said Petty with all due modesty.
A little root vegtable gave Nora a toothy grin, and Nora was suddenly glad she lived in Svalfart.

The End.......

Superb! Mrs Figg! I am in tears!

There are many things to chose as my favorite but the current one (for the moment) is:

"There was Petty and Agent Azriel, a huge tub of broiling Buckie in the middle of the room. Out of the tub jumped little veggies, their teeth glinting in the candle lights. Azriel was towelling them down and putting little boots on their twiggy feet. Petty was talking to them, and they seemed to be listening in wrapt attention, every so often a little turnip would hold its hand up to ask a question." Absolutely priceless!

I'm definitely going back for another read a bit later.

{{{Encrypted. Men Only: I have a wife who, just when we get back from shopping, wants me to go shopping again - and me who has to go to work at 2pm.... Wives to the power of 7??? --- One's too damn many! }}}

Actually, don't suppose you could do a little a little edit and post it in one piece, Mrs Figg? For your lidddle Orwie, pretty please...

Mrs Figg wrote:seeing it was now 10 degrees she punched the air and 'whoop whooped'.

just 10 degrees, that's nothing,? below I hope

lol.. reading this later.. too tired.. *falls asleep mumbling leggy blonde <3*

HeHeHeHe......

Thanks guys. Orwell I put it all together in one dollop.





It was snowing in Svalfart, Agent Nora had her nosed pressed to the icy window, longing to run barefoot in the crispy new fall of snow (she was weird like that). She looked at the wall thermometer, seeing it was now 10 degrees she punched the air and 'whoop whooped'. DI Petty rolled hs eyes and shivered. Being a Scottish person he felt the cold badly. He had his thermal kilt on but it was drafty and the occasional icicle splintered off the underside and powdered the regulation grey carpet with ice. Petty had just arrived back from a police proceedure training course in Sussex, and now knew what to do if they ever ran out of photocopy paper. He lived life dangerously did DI Petty. Some say he had an evil twin locked in a cupboard in his appartment, as the occasional shrill female voice could be heard in the dead of night and during the Champions League on Sky. It was a mystery indeed.

Agent Nora's erstwhile chum Orwell the police pathologist stomped into the room leaving a trail of snow slush like an overgrown (but sexy) snail. He plonked himself into the least Biffo chewed chair. (Biffo was the duty sargeant, and some say he was the Missing Link). Orwell looked a bit bemused, which was his default setting, but this time Nora knew it was bemused with an extra dollop of weird shit.
'Hey Orwell, whatchoo say we go for a skinny dip in the Svalfart Sound later?' said Nora.
Orwell shuddered and sank further down into his big fluffy pink parka. Just the thought of taking off his gloves was making him anxious. he thought Agent Nora was a danger in the Winter months, after once being persuaded to hike to the top of the Tower of Lore in a thunder storm (just for fun). But it hadnt been 'fun'. They had found Elthir the local Loremaster at the top turret communing with 'Saruman'. They had spent the night trying to lure him down with offers of DI Eldo's kitkat lasagna.
It had scarred him for life.
'er no thanks Nora' he said. Bug eyed and grinning like someone who has just read 20 pages of grey/silver horse debate and is desperate for escape. 'Maybe some other time so help me gawd'.
Nora sighed and sat down and looked at her friend closely. His left hand was bandaged and drops of blood had stained his tight jeans.
'the perps biting you again?' she laughed. knowing he was a pathologist. they liked their gothic horror jokes those two.
Orwell looked uneasy and darted a glance at Petty. It was going to be difficult to explain and he hoped Petty wouldnt faint.
'Well if you must know, a turnip bit me', he said. Nora and Petty looked at each other, Nora with amusement and Petty with a slightly girlie Amy Pond pout.
'waddumean it bit you? she said. 'Turnips dont have teeth'.
'Well this one did, small white needle teeth, and it hissed as well'. he said and shuddered (again).
'I had a terrible job peeling it off me, and it would have sank its teeth in my cherries if Agent Azriel hadnt whacked it with her handbag.
'It all started this morning at Daves farm, there are mad vampire veggies running amok in town and its all farmer Daves fault.
Indeed there were, and it was.
Thousands of tiny vampire vegtables were terrorizing the town of Svalfart. Their little footprints patterning the snow like lace, but among the 'lace' were drips of blood, and squeals and squarks could be heard as little needle teeth attached themselves to delicate soft bits. The nightime was the worst. Svalfartians getting into bed found their toes attacked and folk taking a dump had to fend off the dreaded toilet spuds.
Something had to be done. and fast. In a crisis Agent Nora went to the two people she could almost trust, as they had given her some jolly good advice in her previous cases. First she decided to visit the Loremaster himself Elthir the Elusive in his mysterious seaside cottage.

Agent Nora was always wary of her trips out to Elthirs cottage, he lived down a windy spooky lane where only the sound of seagulls and flying spotted merps could be heard. She knocked on the door and a volley of grumbling and shouting issued from the area approximating the letter box, she could hear Elthir stomping to the door, obviously Nora had disturbed his studies in the grey Arts.
'What do you want Agent Nora? he said stentoriously as if from far far away.
I am in a pickle' she said meekly. 'I need a clue, these vampire veggies are getting on my tits'.
'Elthir sighed and stared at Nora from over his round spectacles.
'Look to the Evil Twin', he said. and shut the door in her face.
''bloody cheek', said Nora. But still she was intrigued by the latest random clue.

It was hot and fuggy in Mrs Figgs Emporium, and rivulets of condensation dripped down to join the beer dregs and other yucky substances on the sawdust floor. Nora hated the warm comfortable pub, warmth was for wimps.
Her husband DI Eldo was sitting with Chris the local News Hound from the paper, The Svalfart Wholesome News. Chris had written bookses and he and his fellow author Lance, would sit for hours in the pub, nursing their pints and telling each other Tales of Quests and complex political espionage and stories with just boys in, which caused a few raised eyebrows I can tell you.
'hi hubby whatchoodoin? she said, and caught a look of embarrasment from Eldo.
'I am thinking of joining the The Procrastinators Hole', he said sheepishly.
'you mean the writing club?, said Nora, amazed. 'wow I thought you had given it up, its ages since you wrote anything for the Needlehole Mysteries'.
'well yeah, he said, 'but I have had stuff to do you know!, he stood up too quickly and his crisps landed in one of Mrs Figgs's pussies.
'Policing is not a part-time job, and perps must be merped, er, I mean caught.
'You mean Herring thieves?, cos thats all we have in Svalfart', said Nora dismissively..

.Mrs Figg noticed the tension in the atmosphere and walked over to their table, being the hostess she wanted to be the one who threw the hissy fits, thanks very much.
'Hi Agent Nora, hows the hunt for the cause of the vampire veggies going on? she said coaxingly trying to change the subject. She could see it was perilously near to 'photoshopped grass' levels and wanted to nip it in the proverbials.
'oh no idea' glowered Nora. 'Elthir gave me a clue but its neither use nor ornament'.
I mean, 'what does 'look to the evil twin mean anyway?.
'Hasnt Petty got one? 'An evil female twin? said Mrs Figg trying to sound calm and sensible for once.
'erm, thats the gossip, but its doubtful, the only female in Pettys heart was Amy Pond, until he found out that she actually hated working on Dr Who and despised Moffat with a passion, he went off her pretty sharpish after that', said Nora gleefully. and she giggled with the giggle of a true RTD lover

.'OwwwwwwwwwW!' said a little silvery voice from under a table. A girl scrambled out from under it, with what looked like a fanged orange attached to her ankle. 'Gerritoffff!' she wailed, shaking her leg frantically.
They all stared at her, wondering as one what the heck had she been doing under a bar-room table. 'Hey said Nora, 'you are Ally, the police intern, arent you? what are you doing under there? Ally stoped shaking her leg and stood there while the little blood orange made purring noises as it sucked.
'I am looking for clues', she said. 'I am sick of being an intern, I want to solve the case, get a commendation and become a policeperson like you Nora, and if I dont, I will punch you in the face'.
'oh good luck with that', said Nora sarcastically, 'You havent taken your Viking Swearing Oath, which means there is absolutely no way you are gonna solve this case. cos I am'. Nora raised her dukes and danced in front of Ally, in a most unfeminine manner. 'Ally Intern, there is NO F******** way you will solve this case before me!
Nora stalked out of the pub, not listening to Eldo's manly shouts to come back. She liked the cold crisp air, it helped her think better, and made her toes tingle.
Before she had met Ally she had been feeling despondant, but now the prospects of recieving the annual Cumberbatch award for post-modern policing stirred within her soul, and egged her on.
'Think Nora', she said to herself, 'Who knows about weird shaped veggies?, who set killer carrots loose on the town last year? who fiddled with Figgs, and goes boss eyed every time someone mentions protuberant tubers?
Farmer Dave, thats who.

On her way back to the station Nora decided to walk instead of driving she loved freezing her bits off (have I told you dear reader she was odd?). There was a deep blanket of snow, and the whole town was silent, and white, with bits of pink intertwingled for aesthetic effect.
Suddenly someone called to her from down a garden path.
'Help, help!, groaned the voice, it seemed to be coming from up a tree. Nora looked up and saw RecoveryAnonymous, or Rodney to his friends, up a gum tree without a paddle.
'whatchoo doing up there Rodders? she said. She knew Rodders was not usually to be found up trees. He was normally to be found chained to railings, or wandering around the town in a sandwich board written in Sindarin Elvish demanding MERP rights, and an end to Green Tight and Pointy Boot discrimination. He fought the good fight, the right for those in middle management to 'DREAM', (and jolly good luck to him).
Nora was not so understanding or sensitive to the needs of those of us over the age of 30 who feel the need to escape harsh reality for fantastical sillyness. She was YOUNG, and the YOUNG are as you know dear reader, quite merciless and shockingly sweary and open about 'rude stuff'.
Anyways she thought the Oldies were bizarre, and how right she was.
'Rodders, come down this minute you plonker!'. she shouted. Her police training kicking in like clockwork.
'Cant', he wimpered. 'There be weird fruit starin at me' he whispered back..
'oh get a grip Rodders', she said. Getting a bit peeved. Even she was starting to feel rather chilly, and she didnt want to miss the Mexican wrestling on tv.
ok Nora' he said in a quavering voice. 'Just dont let those kumquats sink their gnashers in me'.
yeah yeah!
Rodney shinned down the tree and stood there in his Aragorn Coronation outfit.
'Wow Rodders!, you look spiffing tonight' she said in open mouthed admiration. 'But why didnt you smite those little kumquats with Anduril the Flame of the West?
He flashed her a steely look. I am only Aragorn when I am on terra ferma, silly wench. 'When I am in a tree I lose all my powers'.
'oh of course, silly me', said Nora. She knew the night was only going to go down hill from here.
Nora watched Rodders charge down the street, his long shanks making light work of the drifts, he had his sword out and Nora hoped there were no lurking bananas looking for thrills.
The normally brightly lit station was dark and empty as she walked by, 'thats funny' thought Nora, 'there should be someone on duty through the night. She used her key and walked down the empty corridors. Normally Agent Azriel and Petty did the night shift. They preferred the Tim Burtonesque Gothic undertones of night work. Petty sometimes held his AA meetings in one of the rooms. Apologist Asskicking for beginners, going on to PJ Lovers General Taunting, and for advanced levels, The Scottish Bunny Sled Independance league, with cakes and tea to follow.
But tonight all was empty and unearthly quiet. Where was everyone?
Nora let herself out and walked stealthily to the edge of town to where Petty lived. It was a funny part of town. The green grass seemed strangely juxtapositioned against the other green grass. There was even a demarcation line, where the snow suddenly stopped and the grass started. 'thas odd' thought Nora, and there was a funny smell in the air, sweet yet tart, a bit like beer vomit, but not.
Nora pressed her pert nose to the steamy window and goggled at the scene before her.
There was Petty and Agent Azriel, a huge tub of broiling Buckie in the middle of the room. Out of the tub jumped little veggies, their teeth glinting in the candle lights. Azriel was towelling them down and putting little boots on their twiggy feet. Petty was talking to them, and they seemed to be listening in wrapt attention, every so often a little turnip would hold its hand up to ask a question.
Nora strained to listen, but couldnt hear anything so she walked to the back of the cottage and snuck in to the darkened kitchen.
Nora burst in, hands on hips, which is quite a difficult look to master without looking like a pantomime Peter Pan. She however had mastered it.
'what the f**** H****** is F******* here?' she rumbled.
30 pairs of eyes stared at her in shocked silence, and 30 pairs of little boots knocked together in fear.
'Well I hope you are proud of yourself? barging in and scaring the veggies? said Petty angrily.
'um..I..sorry.. but WTF' said Nora sadly. 'whats going on and why do you have tiny vampire veggies in the living room eh?'
'Its my twins idea', said Azriel, 'its all his doing'. 'She pointed a finger at Petty. 'We cant stop them breeding in the Buckie, all we can do is make sure they make it safely to Daves farm.
'What happens at Daves farm? said Nora, fearing the worst.
'Oh nothing BAD, said Petty. 'Theres a timey wimey wormhole thingie that Halfwise made in an afternoon after a particularily heavy session with Mimosa a large bottomed barmaid and a Boson Higgs particle. They all go to Veggielandia, which is a bit like OZ, but without the Munchkins. Halfwise reckons these are the veggie equivalent of Munchkins, only vampires. 'Its all very simple really when you are as intelligent as me'. said Petty with all due modesty.
A little root vegtable gave Nora a toothy grin, and Nora was suddenly glad she lived in Svalfart.

The End.......

Great stuff Mrs Figg.

edit add- I have now perfected the Amy Pond pout- unfortuntetly if I do it looking in a mirror, well.. I'll leave it at that....