what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

I lost my job as a stage designer.

I left without making a scene

I heard my son chanting: "DOMINE... BACTERIUM... LACTOBACILLUS... CASEI... SHIROTA!"



I think he's dabbling in the Yakult

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.



Those piranhas don't muck about!

Help! I’m playing Scrabble with Midge Ure. I’ve only got 4 letters left, but they mean nothing to me: OVNR

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"



"We don’t have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."



"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you," the lawyer said.



"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."



"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You also come with us."



The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"



"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.



They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."



The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place; the grass is almost 1 meter high."

Two fellows in long coats came to my door trying to sell me a vacuum cleaner.
I think they were Jehoovers Witnesses.

Then two fellows knocked on the door trying to sell me brown bread.
They were Jehovis Witnesses.

Why do women have orgasms

Something else for them to moan about.

My wife said if I don’t do page 7 of the Kama sutra she will leave me.

It's put me in a very difficult position.

You & I are at opposite points on the globe & yet here we are..clean jokes, mucky jokes, jokes to tell the vicar, jokes about the vicar

Don't forget it's the AGM of the weak bladder association tonight. If you can't make it just give us a tinkle...

Would an Atheist church be classed as a Non prophet organization?

After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain. Nice one, 2016.

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.

A pensioner shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No', he replied, 'arthritis'.

Have you heard of Murphy's Law

-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong

-What's about Cole's law?

-No

-It's a thin-slice cabbage dipped in mayonnaise and sour cream

so bad its good

Only works when written.

Maybe this will help with your problem Chris!

How do you find these using a dial up? I know you say you use a lot of guesswork but I don't believe it.

Thats one big prick.....ly thing

Quote of the day:
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He said..
Grytpype: I've been thinking...
Seagoon: He paused.
Grytpype: Neddie?
Seagoon: He repeated.
Grytpype: I think you're our man.
Seagoon: Me?
Grytpype: He replied.
Seagoon: But I don't understand!
Grytpype: He vouch-safed. Don't you Neddie?
Seagoon: He proclaimed.
Grytpype: Then I said...
Seagoon: Are you with us Neddie? To which I replied...
Grytpype: Yes! Then I told him my name.
Seagoon: I'm Hercules Grytpype-Thynne of the East Acton Geographical Society.
Grytpype: He said I said...
Seagoon: He said I said...
Grytpype: Goodnight, and out he went, while I settled down to watch telly in the next house but one.
(The Yehti)