what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by Pettytyrant101 Sun Jul 17, 2016 10:41 pm

{{{ Mad }}}

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Post by David H Sun Jul 17, 2016 10:49 pm

Bluebottle wrote:I apologise for the following joke: it's a long one...

Oooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

an insincere apology if I ever saw one :drum:

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Post by Eldorion Mon Jul 18, 2016 12:19 am

Laughing
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Post by azriel Wed Aug 03, 2016 3:15 pm

'Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, 'Does he taste funny to you?'

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If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel Wed Aug 03, 2016 3:16 pm

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.'

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Wed Aug 03, 2016 3:17 pm

I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:47 am

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Chink%20joke_zpsroaywxfu

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sat Aug 06, 2016 9:47 am

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Bubble%20wrap%20joke_zpspp9jnzij

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by Orwell Sat Aug 06, 2016 1:30 pm

Laughing

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Post by Mrs Figg Tue Aug 09, 2016 1:26 pm

Laughing
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Post by Bluebottle Sat Aug 13, 2016 11:16 am

What she texts: I'm finw
What she means: I'm fine

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Post by azriel Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:46 pm

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.'

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:47 pm

The wife’s mother said: ‘When you’re dead, I’ll dance on your grave.’
I said: ‘Good. I’m being buried at sea.’

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:48 pm

'My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet . . . I just say it's Narnia business!'

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by azriel Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:50 pm

'How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?'

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by azriel Sun Aug 14, 2016 11:55 pm

'I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.' Rolling Eyes

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by Bluebottle Tue Aug 16, 2016 1:12 am

SEAGOON: Gad, we must find a way out of this labyrinth. Tap the walls as we go along. Shh, there’s somebody on the other side of this wall.
BLOONOK: Hand me your stethoscope. Yes, just as I thought.
SEAGOON: What?
BLOONOK: It's definitely...
FX: Tap tap
SEAGOON: Are you positive it's...
FX: Tap tap
BLOONOK: Positive, it's quite clearly...
FX: Tap tap
BLOONOK: I knew them both in Africa until they split up and became...
FX: Tap
BLOONOK: ...and...
FX: Tap
BLOONOK: ...but of course they joined forces later, and are now...
FX: Tap tap
BLOONOK: ...again.
SEAGOON: I'm glad to hear it.
BLOONOK: Mind you, if you hear...
FX: Tap tap tap
SEAGOON: Yes?
BLOONOK: One of them is an impostor.
SEAGOON: Which one?
FX: Tap
SEAGOON: Oh! You may be right. But right or wrong, there's someone on the other side of this wall. Suppose it's the police?
BLOONOK: The police? Ho, ho! I know how to handle the police.
SEAGOON: How?
BLOONOK: Just you wait here.
FX: Sound of footsteps running away
SEAGOON: And to this day, I've never seen him again.
(The great Bank of England robbery)

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by Bluebottle Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:43 am

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by azriel Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:12 am

Laughing Laughing

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
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Post by Pettytyrant101 Tue Aug 23, 2016 9:03 pm

{{{Hey! I know where you got that from Blue!

Some other contenders that tickled me- }}

“Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.” Mark Smith

“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words.” Gary Delaney

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask.” Jordan Brookes

“Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer.” Arthur Smith

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses.” Zoe Lyons

_________________
Pure Publications, The Tower of Lore and the Former Admin's Office are Reasonably Proud to Present-



A Green And Pleasant Land

Compiled and annotated by Eldy.

- get your copy here for a limited period- free*

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yjYiz8nuL3LqJ-yP9crpDKu_BH-1LwJU/view



*Pure Publications reserves the right to track your usage of this publication, snoop on your home address, go through your bins and sell personal information on to the highest bidder.
Warning may contain Wholesome Tales
[/b]

the crabbit will suffer neither sleight of hand nor half-truths. - Forest
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Post by azriel Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:07 pm

Thumbs Up

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by azriel Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:11 pm

A man is drunk in a bar... Across the bar he sees three heavy set women, speaking with Scottish sounding accents.

He makes his way to the women and asks "Excuse me, are you ladies from Scotland?"

The first women gets mad and yells "It's Wales, you ass! Wales!"

The man the replies. "I'm sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?"

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by azriel Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:14 pm

I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids.

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by azriel Tue Aug 23, 2016 10:18 pm

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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Post by azriel Thu Sep 01, 2016 7:51 am

A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says.
He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face.

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Th_cat%20blink_zpsesmrb2cl

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 10 Jean-b11
azriel
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