Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

by Mrs Figg Fri Apr 15, 2016 1:37 pm

Nagual wrote:Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because the lactose.

by Mrs Figg Fri Apr 15, 2016 1:38 pm

Nagual wrote:Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

that's brilliant

by azriel Fri Apr 15, 2016 4:12 pm

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

by **Orwell** Tue Apr 19, 2016 12:45 pm

Mrs Figg wrote:
Nagual wrote:Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

that's brilliant

Oh.. Just got it! cheers

by **Orwell** Tue Apr 19, 2016 12:46 pm

azriel wrote:"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

I think that Doctor and I might be kindred spirits. You know, willing to do the research. Very Happy

by Norc Tue Apr 19, 2016 4:19 pm

best one-liners:

you got to hand it to the blind hookers.

say what you want to a deaf man.

by azriel Tue Apr 19, 2016 6:32 pm

by Bluebottle Tue Apr 19, 2016 6:40 pm

I always liked;

Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone's uncomfortable.

Although, I'm not sure it's really a one liner.. scratch

by chris63 Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:11 am

by chris63 Wed Apr 20, 2016 2:39 am

I have got two new hobbies, Bee Gees music and Chinese cooking.

You can tell by the way I use my wok.

by chris63 Wed Apr 20, 2016 2:48 am

What goes, clip…………clop………...clip…………clop………...clip…………clop…………,

BANG!

clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop,clip,clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting.

by chris63 Wed Apr 20, 2016 2:59 am

Police have discovered a book of 20 other women Oscar Pitorious had planned to assasinate. They've called it 'Shinless List.'
When the murder happend the police were said to be looking for a sawn off man with a shotgun!

by azriel Wed Apr 20, 2016 7:29 am

Love it !!!

by Mrs Figg Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:48 pm

by chris63 Thu Apr 21, 2016 4:49 am

Jesus is on duty at the pearly gates, and sees an old Jewish man shuffling up. Thinking that the guy looks familiar, he steps over and asks the man some questions.

"Name?"

"Joseph"

"And what was your job when you were alive?"

"I was a carpenter"

"And did you have children?"

"Yes, a son...well, not technically the fruit of my loins but I loved him just the same."

"And when you last saw him, did he have any distinguishing marks?"

"Yes, holes through his hands and feet!"

"FATHER!!!"

"PINNOCHIO!!!

by chris63 Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:13 am

by Eldorion Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:14 am

That got me good. Laughing

by azriel Thu Apr 21, 2016 7:52 am

by Bluebottle Thu Apr 21, 2016 6:53 pm

GRAMS: Bubbling water under gunshots
BLOODNOK: Aaaarough! Aaaaarrough! Aaaaaaouh! Aeough! Ooh, that’s better. [Sings:] Oh Dennis, you eat tonight, that is what you’ll do. You eat tonight. [Stops singing] Now where’s me butler’s revenge frying pan? Ah here
FX: Rattling pans
BLOODNOK: [Sings:] Deee dee dee deeeee. Little fishes from the sea. I’m gonna cook you tonight, my dear. Hooo!
ECCLES: [Off:] My friend, my man!
BLOODNOK: What, what, what?
ECCLES: Don’t you know you’re not allowed to shoot fish
BLOODNOK: Scron me lip glons! What t… Who are you, sir? Explain away that tatty body and those Jacobean legs, please
ECCLES: They’re mine
BLOODNOK: What?
ECCLES: I’m Mad Dan Eccles
BLOODNOK: Well that explains everything, but it doesn’t help me at all. Well I deny having shot any fish
ECCLES: Aooooooh! I saw you point your gun at that river, and you… BAAANG! You did that
BLOODNOK: What? But I wasn’t shooting naughty fish
ECCLES: Oh yeah?
BLOODNOK: I was shooting the river
ECCLES: Shooting the river?
BLOODNOK: Of course
ECCLES: There’s something funny going on here
BLOODNOK: Come away from that audience, Eccles. You don’t know where they’ve been. I can explain everything, Eccles. There’s been a terrible drought in Bagshot and the lads sent me out here to shoot some water. You’ve heard of a Water Shoot, haven’t you, Mad Dan?
(The £1.000.000 penny)

"I was shooting the river." That's my excuse from now on. Very Happy

by Bluebottle Fri Apr 22, 2016 7:12 pm

interviewer: why do you want a job at my bakery?
me: i dont know. i just really Knead the dough
interviewer: wow. ok. Listen , im only hiring you just so i can fire you

by Bluebottle Sun Apr 24, 2016 11:38 am

by Bluebottle Tue Apr 26, 2016 2:01 pm

The thought just struck me that as well as pick up lines, there should be pick up line reponses.

So, if, for instance, someone says to you;

Why are you still wearing clothes?

You say;

Because we're at an airport.

If you're not at an airport, well, then you're fucked.. literally..

by Bluebottle Tue Apr 26, 2016 7:33 pm

Oh, well. At least I'm making myself laugh. Razz

by chris63 Wed Apr 27, 2016 5:44 am

by azriel Wed Apr 27, 2016 12:13 pm