Re: what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

by halfwise Fri Mar 11, 2016 5:51 pm

chris63 wrote:

I can't help being persnickety. The sign is posting what amounts to a 10 cm run. From what is shown from start to finish, it looks more like a 0.005 km run.

by azriel Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:13 am

Mr Wongs prothestic Emporium................
We like the hands on approach.........
May cost you an arm or a leg.........we except all major credit cards
A "two thumbs up " service...............
You no pay you get the elbow.........
To other cheap replicas, give them the finger......

by azriel Mon Mar 14, 2016 8:18 am

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearlygates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 27th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 28th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes.

But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

by azriel Thu Mar 17, 2016 2:39 pm

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied,

'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said,

'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

by Mrs Figg Thu Mar 17, 2016 2:43 pm

by Eldorion Sat Mar 19, 2016 10:21 pm

Seen floating around on FB:

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 3 KsEp5wvm

by David H Tue Mar 22, 2016 2:43 am

by azriel Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:58 am

Oh Dave

Its not until you post up a dubious plant that I realise just how much I miss your veg ! Smile

by Pettytyrant101 Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:41 pm

{{Veg and two veg! Shocked

}}

by Bluebottle Fri Mar 25, 2016 10:45 am

FX: Knocking at door, fading into snoring. Knocking persists, under Min and Henry
CRUN: Ah, dear dear dear, why must people call in the middle of the night? Why can't they come at a reasonable time? Min?
BANNISTER: Whatwhatwhatwhat? Yes, Buddy?
CRUN: Somebody knocking, Min.
BANNISTER: Yes, Henry, yes. Somebody knocking.
CRUN: One of us will have to answer the door, Min.
BANNISTER: You answer it, Henry. I can't find my boot in the dark.
CRUN: Well then, turn on the light, Min.
BANNISTER: I - can't, Henry.
CRUN: Why not?
BANNISTER: When it's dark I can't find the light.
CRUN: I've just had a clever idea, Minnie.
BANNISTER: What, er - have you, Henry?
CRUN: Yes, Min dear, it is a very clever idea.
BANNISTER: OoOoooOooOOOooooh! How did you come to think of it, Henry?
CRUN: You know, it came to me, when I was thinking about - thinking , er, - - - Min!
BANNISTER: Yes Henry?
CRUN: I've forgotten what it was I was thinking about when I got the idea.
BANNISTER: Oh. Never mind Henry. What was the idea?
CRUN: I've forgotten, Min.
BANNISTER: Oh. [lip smacking]
CRUN: Min?
BANNISTER: Ye - yes Henry?
CRUN: He's - stopped knocking, Min.
BANNISTER: Perhaps he's gone away, buddy.
CRUN: Oh dear, what a pity.
BANNISTER: Why, Henry?
CRUN: I've just remembered the clever idea I had.
BANNISTER: Oh. What was it, Henry?
CRUN: Well, we should throw the key out of the window, Min.
BANNISTER: Oh. That was a clever idea, Henry.
CRUN: It was, wasn't it, yes [more lip smacking] deardeardear
BANNISTER: Henry.
CRUN: Mmmm?
BANNISTER: Supposing he comes back.
CRUN: He won't be able to get in, Min. You can't get in without the key you know, you must have the key to get in.
BANNISTER: But he hasn't got the key, Henry.
CRUN: What key, Min?
BANNISTER: The key to the door.
CRUN: Well, then, he won't be able to get in, Min.
BANNISTER: No, no, Henry, I know that.
CRUN: He must have the key, Min, otherwise he can't get through the door.
BANNISTER: Nonono, but you've got the key, Henry.
CRUN: Yes, and he can't get in. He must have the key, you know, you can't get in without keys, you can't get -
BANNISTER: Why, yes, [gurgle] why don't you throw the key out of the window, Henry?
CRUN: Oh, that's an idea, isn't it? It's a clever idea. How did you ever think of such a clever idea?
BANNISTER: What idea, Henry?
(The great Tuscan salami scandal)

Petty and Figg? Shrugging

by chris63 Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:57 pm

bungobaggins wrote:A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 3 Stop-panicking-mr-burns-is-not-leaving-the-simpsons-excellent-495170

by chris63 Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:00 pm

Mick hucknalls been arrested after being caught shagging a rabbit

A police source said he was holding back the ears and singing bunnys to tight to mention.

by azriel Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:45 pm

by Nagual Sat Apr 02, 2016 11:44 am

Did you know that dogs can't operate a MRI machine, but cats can?

by Bluebottle Sat Apr 02, 2016 1:50 pm

doctor: alright we have your antibiotics

doctor: here’s your penicillin

me: more like

penichillin

doctor:

me:

doctor: you’re literally dying

by Mrs Figg Sat Apr 02, 2016 2:07 pm

Nagual wrote:Did you know that dogs can't operate a MRI machine, but cats can?

by Bluebottle Sat Apr 02, 2016 3:22 pm

by Pettytyrant101 Sat Apr 02, 2016 5:13 pm

by Nagual Sat Apr 02, 2016 6:36 pm

Slightly naughty, so with the mind that younger readers may not understand etc etc. No swearing, no nudity, just really bad "ba-booom-tish" style of humour. Now I've built up your suspenders, I'm not kidding with how bad they are so if you read onward, and agree with me that it was five or so seconds of your life, that you'll never get back again well you've only yourself to blame. I am washing my hands in virgin olive oil. Now I'm using hot soapy water as the damn oil gets everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Now you have a certain image in your head now, don't you? Again, not my fault you're picturing me that way. Get your mind out the gutter!

Anyways.. here are the very very bad jokes.

Spoiler:

by Mrs Figg Sat Apr 02, 2016 10:07 pm

by Bluebottle Sun Apr 03, 2016 6:59 pm

What happens when a sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff?

Bah.. dum.. tssss..

by Eldorion Sun Apr 03, 2016 11:11 pm

Alright, that got me.

by chris63 Mon Apr 04, 2016 3:57 am

by azriel Mon Apr 04, 2016 8:48 am

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."