WHOLESOME TALES

At least this one had an proper ending - sort of...

I'll go with 'sort of'.

It certainly had an ending!

Well yes, in much the same way driving a car at 100mph into a wall has an ending.

I guess that's, uh, an excuse for Odo's MIA status on Dark Planet Day.

Spoiler:

From what Odo tells me, Eldo, he was missing in action in one sense, but in another sense, he wasn never missing at all and was with all you Freedom Fighters in Spirit, and in some kind of dual-universal kind of way, was several times braver than anyone, and if not for him, Forumshire would have burnt to the ground.... that's wat he's told me, and I'm not paid to question it (He also said some things never make sense but that doesn't mean they never happened - look at Britney Speers for example!)

LITTLE KINDERGARTEN ON THE FORUM

Once there was a little kindergarten on the Forum, between Rushock Bog and Needlehole, on the Kimbolton Road. It was long long ago and is gone now. Actully it burned down back in '27 as the result of an unhappy accident, but in '11 it was still standing and going strong, and it was the preferred kindergarten of the Needlehole-Rushock Bog worthies.

One day, Mrs Clogenbunter (from Saxony originally) called the roll.

"Norc Hoppenclatza"?"

"Yah!"

"Ally Esoteric?"

"Maybe..."

"Don't be cheeky! Kafria Dragonbotham?"

"Here!"

"Eldorion Poppinbecker?"

"Here, Miss! I have an apple for you."

"Oh you were always a lovely boy."

"Muster Sook-up!"

"That's enough from you Mister Petty Kracken-McTyrant!"

"My name isna 'Kracken" nevermore, nock the nelly - not noo me mudder has forsaken me in the marshes!"

"I'll take that was 'here'... .. Odo Reuel Banks?"

"Here, Miss. And might I say how nice your hair is today"!"

"Sook up!"

"Be quiet, Petty McTyrant! One more interruption of that kind and it's the Naughty Chair for you. And thank you, Mister Banks. With respectable manners like that you'll go far in Needleholian Society! ... Orwell McOdo?"

"I'm here Miss."

"What are you playing with there?"

"Nothing, Miss."

"Mmmm... I'm not so sure about that, but as you're only four, I guess I must accept that you're doing it innocently - though I will have to bring it up again with your Mum and Dad, that being Maisie and Compton McOdo."

"I wasn't touching it again, I promise, Miss, and it was an accident!"

"My Mum and Dad, Francine and Dodo, have taught me to keep my hands in my pockets when I'm not using them, Miss!" Odo said proudly, establishing once and for all that he had a totally different Mum and Dad to Orwell McOdo.

"What a lovely little hobbbit you are.... Ringd Rotten? ... Ringd Rotten?"

"He's absent as usual," Mister Vernant, the beared Assistant Kindergarten Assistant, said dourly.

"Tha liddle waggin' liddle shite...."

"Alright Mister McTyrant! Go and sit on the Naughty Chair!"

"Noo., I wouldna like too be doin sooch a thung!"

"Don't argue. Go."

"Yus, Miz!"

"Julia Snarlygrouch?"

"Here, Miss."

"Where's here?"

"I'm sitting behind Orwie."

"And she's poking me!"

"No I'm not!"

"Ow! Yes she is, Miss."

"Leave him alone, Julia. You know how weepy he gets when girls touch him."

"My Mummy says that girls are all germy, Miss."

"Are not!"

"Now Julia, leave him alone."

"But girls aren't germy..."

"They are so... Ow! Julia's poking me again."

"Dibber-dobber!"

"Miss! Julia Snarlygrouch just called me a dibber-dobber!"

"Well you are a dibber-dobber!"

"Miss!"

"Now Julia! must I make you go and sit with Mister McTyrant on the Naughty Chair?"

"Noo!"

"I'm not asking you, Mister McTyrant. Please be quiet now!"

"I don't want to sit next to him, Miss."

"Then behave yourself."

"Yes, Miss."

"I want to put people in jail when I grow up."

"That's nice, Mister McOdo, but please don't interrupt."

"I want to be an Art Critic!"

"Yes, lovely Julia - but not just now...."

"Ock tha noo... I want to be an Astranoot!"

"Quiet! Quiet! .. Now where I was I?"

"I'm here, Im here!"

"Oh yes, little Amarie Pentakutenfisk! I didn't see you hiding at the back."

"I was snootling around finding out secrets, Miss!"

"Mmm... well, yes... mmm.... Have I ticked off the whole role? No, let me see - Harald Wise?"

"Here Miss...."

"Halv-wit - ocknoo!"

"Mister McTyrant. It'll be the switch next!"

"Where was I? Is Halfwit --- sorry --- he's got me doing it now! Is Harald Wise here?"

"Yes, Miss,"

"You need a haircut, my boy. You look more like a mop than a hobbit!"

"Yes, Miss."

"David Hecklepecker-Smythe?"

"Here Miss."

"What are doing with that basket of carrots."

"I've brought them for you, Miss."

"Sook up!"

"Well, that does it! I've had enough of you, Mister McTyrant! Come over here now.... Bend over the stool.... Pull up your kilt."

"Ewwwwwwwww!!!!"

"Look away children if you haven't the stomach for it!"

Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!

"Ow! Owww! Owwww!"

"Petty's got a red bottom now!"

"Now, Mister Banks, one must never gloat at the misfortune of others!"

"I canna sit doon on the Nordy Charr, Muss!"

"Then stand in the Naughty Corner."

"Aye!"

"And face the Corner!"

"Yuss, Miss."

"Petty's crying!"

"I am noot, Orwie Porwie!"

"Miss! Petty just called me 'Orwie Porwie'!"

"Mmm... I see I'm in for another long day of it.... "



to be continued...












"

{{ }}

Bouquet for Teacher

I think something's come over old Anon - this tale is almost... well... Wholesome!

the tale continued...

After tiddlywinks, the children were put down to have a nap. But they were bright little sparks and none of them could sleep. When Miss had gone out back to the linen store with the Assistant Kindergarten Assistant, they lay on their cots looking up at the ceiling which was painted with lots of pretty flowers and exotic animals.

"When I grow up," Julia said sudddenly, "I'm going to marry Orwie."

"No you're not," said Orwell. "I'm going to marry Petty."

"You can't marry a boy, " said Kafria, who loved science and knew about these things. "Boys can't have babies."

"I don't want to have babies," Orwell said.

"You can't anyway," Kafria answered.

"Can't they?" Norc asked.

"I don't think so. Only Mummies can."

"That's not very fair," Halfy said.

Amarie piped in. "My Mummy got me at the hospital."

"My Mummy got me there too," Julia said.

"Why do Mummy's have to go to the hospital and get the babies?" Odo asked. "Why can't Daddy's go there?"

This was a real puzzler for them. But at last, Orwell said, "I think it's because Mummies do the shopping."

"That's right - they shop at the hospital," Ally said. "And Daddy's don't like shopping... ... .... but is that where Mummies always get babies?"

"Not always, just sometimes - when they want babies," Odo averred. "They don't shop there all the time because if they did there would be too many babies and my Mummy says two are enough - just Wisey and me."

"No! Babies come from the garden," David interrupted. "They grow with the carrots and you've got to be careful they don't get picked and thrown in the industrial slicer."

"That's not true!" Odo answered, sitting up angrily. "I'm not a carrot!"

"I didn't say you were, I said you grew 'like' a carrot. Instead of brown hair you grew a carrot top."

"I did not! Look!"

"He's right," said Orwell, "He has hair!"

"It falls out after awhile," David said quickly, but admittedly, he was no longer quite so sure about what his Mother had told him.

"Sometimes Mummies have babies in the bath," Amarie opined knowingly. "Mummies and Daddies sit in the bath and if they don't wear a raincoat the tadpoles swim up and then the Mummy has a baby."

"They doo not!" Petty said. "I doen like tadpools anyhoo!"

"You don't like anything," Julia scowled. " You don't even like red hair."

"I doo soo!"

"You don't like mine though."

"That's troo enuf I ken by the nelly ock!"

"Orwell's coming over to my house to sleep tonight," Julia said spitefully, hurt by what Petty said (as usual). "We can make babies together."

"I'm not coming over to make babies!" Orwell quickly replied. "I want to make soldiers!"

"I've got the scissors and the material and the stuffing," Julia said sternly. "So it's babies!" Then Julia thought a bit and decided to be concilatory for a change. "We could make fairies if you want..."

"Real fairies, or just pretend ones?"

"Real ones - with wings!"

"If you coom oover ti mi hoose, Orwie, we cun mak a spazesheep!"

"I'm not allowed to," Orwell said sadly. "My Mum said I had to stay at Julia's house. Her Mum and Dad are still at home and your Mum and Dad are still in jail... and my Mummy doesn't like your Grand Paw!"

"That's noot fair, laddie!"

"No it's not," Julia said brightly. "And when Orwie comes over I'm going to marry him, and he'll be mine, and he will sleep with me, and he'll never marry you."

"He doosn't efen woont to murry yoo, Joola... He says he woonts ti murry mee..."

David asked, "Petty? Do you want to marry Orwie too?"

"Yez.... soot of...."

"You only want to marry him because Julia says she wants to marry him," Amarie put in wisely.

"Is that true?" Orwell asked Petty.

Petty did not know what to say.

"Anyhow the Stork brings babies," Halfy said suddenly, for he had been off in his own world for awhile, mulling things over in his slow dim witted way. "They fly into the garden and lay the sack with the baby by the cabbages."

"Oh that's right," said David. "It was cabbages not carrots."

"Cabbages don't have tops," Odo said triumphantly.

"Yes they do," David said.

"Not carrot tops," Odo said grinning. He loved being right about things.

"What kind of stalks"? asked Norc.

"What do you mean?" Odo asked.

"Are they celery stalks or fennel stalks?"

"No they're birds, silly-billy."

"You said they were stalks! A stalk isn't a bird!"

"Yes it is!"

"Stalks don't have feathers!"

"Yes Storks do."

"No they don't!"

Then a fight started between them and Odo gave Norc a blood nose (which he'd wanted to do for a long time) and Miss came rushing back to see what the commotion was. Norc was in tears, inconsolable, and could not get a word out, and Odo told Miss that Petty had done it, and Petty got put on the Naughty Chair, with a slap across his legs for good measure for lying when he was trying to tell the truth.


to be continued...

Awww...

'with a slap across his legs for good measure for lying when he was trying to tell the truth.'

Story of my life that!

perfect character analysis Bugle, anyone would think you knew us.

Anon tells me any resemblances to any person living or dead is perfectly coincidental. I think the similarity of names might be giving folk the wrong impression (maybe).

the tale continued...

When Julia and Amarie went to the toily, they saw that words were scrawled in blue texta on the back of the toily door.

nurk loaves aldo kis kis kis

"What's that say?" Julia asked Amarie because Julia was better with pictures than she was with words.

"It says, 'Norc loves Eldo." Amarie answered because Amarie was better with words than she was with pictures.

"Does she?"

"Does she what?"

"Does Norc love Eldo?"

"I don't know."

"Why don't you know?"

"Because I don't know what love is."

Ally came in through the door and saw the other girls standing there. "What are you doing?"

"We're standing here," the two answered, which was true.

"Oh who wrote this on the door?"

"We don't know."

"What does it say?"

They told her.

"What's love?"

"We don't know."

"What's this bit say?"

"Kis kis kis," Amarie said.

"What does kis kis kis mean?"

"I don't know. Do you, Julia?"

"No, I don't."

The girls stared for awhile. Then Norc sauntered in. When she saw the words, she got angry. "Who fucking wrote that?"

"I don't know," said Julia. "Norc?"

"What?"

"What does 'fucking' mean?"

"I don't fucking know."

"Do you know what kis kis kis means?"

"No. Maybe Orwell will know. He's quite good with words, the fucker."

"What's a fucker?" Amarie asked.

"I don't fucking know. Come on."

Orwell and Petty and Halfy and Eldo and Odo and David and Kafria were playing Wardrobes in the playroom (Kafria was quite good at it in spite of being out numbered by the boys).

"Hey! Orwie!" Norc said. 'What does kis kis kis mean?"

"I don't know," Orwell said. He was an honest boy.

"Fucker!"

"Don't call Orwie that," Julia rebuked her. "That doesn't sound very nice."

"Ock tha noo. That bee a rood wird."

"Is it?" Norc asked.

"I thunk soo... itz Scootish!"

"Eldo?" Norc said. "Do you love me?"

"No."

"Then why did you write it on the girl's toily door?"

"No, I didn't."

Odo giggled.

"Yes you did, Eldo. I saw it."

"On the door," Julia said. "You were in the girl's toily, Eldo."

"No, I wasn't!"

Odo giggled some more.

"Do you love Norc, Eldo?" asked Amarie.

"No, I said I didn't and I don't."

"Do you know what love is?" Julia asked.

"No."

"Perhaps Orwie wrote it," Odo said helpfully, biting his lips to stop even more giggling.

"Did you, Orwie?" Norc wanted to know, looking Orwell up and down contemptuously.

"No I didn't. Did you Petty?"

"O corss nut, I canna spell," and Petty burst into tears and ran away.

Odo giggled a bit more, little squirty ones, because they were escaping out between lips he was was trying very hard to keep stuck together.

"Halfy might know," David said. "Halfy? What does love mean?"

"I bet he does," Julia said. "Halfy is very smart."

"No he's not!" Odo said.

"That's true," said Halfy.

"Well, I want to know who wrote 'Norc loves Eldo kis kis kis,'" Norc said pouting, and forgetting in her annoyance to include the word 'fuck' for once.

Odo began to titter but caught himself.

"What's so funny?" Kafria asked suspiciously. She could see Odo just about bursting at the seams for some reason. "You're hiding something?" She was right, of course, as she had a scientific perspective and could tell by Odo's body language alone he was hiding something.

"No, I'm not... Petty is!"

"What is he hiding?

"He's hiding that he wrote 'Norc loves Eldo kis kis kis' on the girl's toily door."

"How do you know?" Kafria asked still suspicious.

"Because I saw him!"

"Were you in the girl's toily?" all the children asked in shock.

"Petty made me!" Odo cried. "Petty made me! And that's when I saw him!"

"But Petty is a Scotshobbit!" Orwell said.

"Yes - he can't write," said Julia. "Well, only stupid things!"

"Well... well..."Odo stumbled. But then: "He made me write it for him. Yes he made me! He held my hand and made me!"

"He did hold my hand once," Kafria said, remembering now.

"And mine twice," Halfy added. "Behind the shelter sheds!"

"Petty is a very bad hobbit. Very bad!" Julia said. "I'm going to tell, Miss!"

"We all are!" said the children.

Boy, was Petty in for it this time.



to be continued...

It wisnae me!!

You've always said that!

Its always true!

have you got a TARDIS Anon? have you travelled into the past, because its ringing some bells this story is.

There is a few things about it, Mrs Figg... Maybe it's some kind of docu-fiction?

the tale continued....


Odo Reuel Banks was bored.

The other children were doing paper cutting, and paper ripping (when their giraffes didn't turn out), and paper screwing-up (when their giraffes didn't turn out), but Odo did not like cutting paper as it seemed wasteful to him.

He sat looking at Eldo's apple on Miss's table, and David's carrots, and Orwell's picture of a caterpillar, and Petty's piece of moss, and Kafria's homemade microscope, and Amarie's bathing photos, and Julia's art deco designs, and Halfy's copy of "Trip the Light Fantastic", and Norc's excellent pencil drawings of Eldo; but it was the carrots and the apple that fixated most of his attention. And an idea came to him.

Sidling up to Eldo, he said, "Do you like carrots, Ëldo?"

"Yes," Eldo said.

"Did you know David likes apples more than anything?"

"No."

"I bet he would swap you."

"Would he?"

"He would. Would you like me to ask him if he would swap two carrots for your apple?"

"But it's Miss's apple now."

"She won't care. I've seen what she does with them after kinder."

"And what's that?"

"She throws them in the bin."

"Does she?" And Eldo began to cry, his pathetic little heart fully broken.

"Never mind that rubbish," said Odo. "Would you like those carrots or not?"

"I guess so," Eldo whimpered.

So Odo sidled up to David, whose cut out giraffe looked amazingly like a carrot. "Do you like apples, David?" he asked him quietly.

David's eyes lit up. He was the son of a vegetable farmer, and it's well known vegetable farmers sometimes commit adultery with fruit. Not that David thought of it as adultery as he was only four.

"I maybe like them," David said ambiguously, as his Father had forbidden him from talking about the 'other' kind of vegetable - at least in public.

"Well, if you were to give me five of those carrots, I'm sure I could get Eldo to give you his apple in a swap."

"But they're Miss's apple and carrots."

"Miss hates carrots. You know, she feeds them to the rabbits of Bodmin Moor --- laced with arsenic she does - as she doesn't like rabbits."

"I didn't know that."

"Nor did I. Anyways, she won't miss five from a whole basket."

"No, I don't guess so."

"So shall I ask Eldo?"

"I guess so."

And soon the transaction was done, and Odo put three tasty carrots in his backpack alongside his crayons and the false Forumshire Banknotes he had made yesterday in drawing class.

He then sidled up to Petty - who was standing in the Naughty Corner with several welts on his upper legs which he had received as right punishment for having written on the girl's toily door earlier in the day and, worst of all, lied about it.

"Would you like a nice carrot to eat?" Odo asked the little tear streaked Scotshobbit lad.

"I'm so hoongree," he said sadly, "but it's note supper tim is eet?"

"I could get one for you - free - and you could have lunch for the first time this month."

"You're neet goin to steel it is yae?"

"No. David gave it to me. A fine juicy carrot. Ten inches long and very fat."

"I could make it last a week!" Petty drooled.

"Well, if I did that for you, would you do something for me?"

"I would, Odo Banks - I would."

"Then, I want you to sneak up behind Julia and pull her hair. Hard - mind!"

"I couldna doo thart!"

"What if I gave you two fat carrots?"

"Aye! But I knoo trubble will coom ov it.... But Odo Banks, why would ya hae me do it, Odo Banks? Why?"

"I'll tell you why. It's because I have a very good reason. A very very good reason."

"Ock! A vurry good reesin is it?"

"It is."

"Orrite, I'll do'wit!"

"But you must run outside as soon as you have done it."

"I will. I will. I do bee afraid oh that little Miss, I do!"

"Off you go then."

Very shortly after, Julia was screaming in rage and pain - Petty having performed his task with much more venom than Odo had anticipated - and the scrawny half starved Scotshobbit had sped out to the playground, with Julia screaming blue murder in close pursuit - and armed with a pair of scissors.

All the children ran out after them to watch the bloodshed. And so did Miss, and Mister Venant the Assistant Kindergarten Assistant. And while things were slowly being brought back to order out in the yard, Odo removed every coin from every bag in the kindergarten pegroom. Carefully he secreted every one of them in a sock he kept in his back pocket.

"They'll only spend it on lollies and cheap toys," Odo told himself. "I think it best I put their money in my bank acccount where it'll be safe."

Shortly after - while Odo was carefully cutting out a giraffe - Mister Venant dragged Petty in by the hair and flogged him within an inch of his life. But Petty knew it was worth it to get two big juicy carrots and when Odo handed over those carrots at lunch time, Odo thought, "What a kind and respectable hobbit I am to help out such a needy Scotshobbit whose Mother and Father are in jail for stealing a pig."


to be continued...






















"I would.

Wasn't even a whole pig either.