WHOLESOME TALES

why does Morgana wear 6 inch heels? its not very medieval.



do insects sleep at night?

the tale continued

Something peculiar struck Odo as soon as he had snuggled in between the two White Bitches.

"Your skin is like latex rubber, or some similar product!" he said in surprise.

"We merely wear skin-tone bodysuits that hug our bodies perfectly," Amarie smiled knowingly.

"But even now you look completely naked."

Julia smiled too. "Yes, but we're actually not, even though we seem so. Yes, we look naked, right down to our pronounched nipples and every groove of our lower portions; but actually we wear these bodysuits so as not to be nude."

"As it would be rude if we were nude," popped in Amarie.

"And it being a Wholesome Tale and all," Julia smiled demurely, "we can't be nude. Not actually."

"So we only seem nude to entice victims..... err... encourage strangers that we're friendly...."

"Or something like that."

"My perplexity," Odo averred, "resides in the fact I think you may in fact be sexier with this clothing on than you would be if you were actually nude."

"What a lot of esoterica. The important thing is that we don't freeze," Amarie smiled. "These bodysuits are extremely warm and soft. Here. Rub your hands up and down us."

"Smooth aren't we...." Julia smiled.

"Ooh yes!"

"But warm too...." said Julia.

"And ever so soft, do you think?" added Amarie.

"Yes indeed," said our Mister Banks.

"Quick!" cried Amarie suddenly. "Strap his hands."

"You strap his feet, Ames!" cried Julia. "Quick now before he wriggles free."

"Oh dear... Are you going to abduct me?"

"Indeed we are, little hobbit... Stop wriggling.... You must hold him much harder Jules!"

"I am holding him as hard as I can..... Hey, you little wretch! Stop wriggling!"

"I thought you wanted me too... Isn't it a nice game we're playing?"

"No it's not a nice game at all..."

"Oooh! Are you sure. You are putting your nipple in my eye, Amarie...."

"That's not intentional! Hey, grab his hand Jules. No wait! I'll clamp my thighs on it... Strap his feet first."

"Oh help! Help!" Odo cried, enjoying the game.

"Got 'em. I'll pull the strap extra tight, Ames!"

"Ouch!" cried Odo in pain. "Oooh the pain to my ankles! It's excrutiating!"

"Is it too tight, little hobbit? Is that it?" Julia snarled evily.

"Oh not really."

"Then why say it?"

"Sorry. I thought it was part of the game."

"Well try this - for this is no game, Sir!" And Julia pulled the strap around his ankles even tighter.

"Owwwwwwwwwww!" Odo screeched in real pain.

"So, it's not such a game now is it?" Amarie snarled evily too.

"Oooh no, Miss. Ooooh noooo... Owwwwwwwwwwwwww! .... Excuse me, could you pull it a little tighter? ... Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! .... That's better."

"Have you got his other hand, Ames?"

"Tightly clamped, Jules! Can't move a finger!"

Odo grinned. "Are you sure. I can move my littIe finger... thus..."

"Hey!" cried Amarie, and presed her thighs tighter together, practically crushing Odo's poor little hand.

"Oh thank you!" he sighed in pain. "Thank you very much!"

"I've got his other hand strapped now. Let go, Ames!"

"Oh must you?" Odo asked in disappointment.

Next thing he knew, his wrists were tightly strapped together, ever so tightly, lovely.

Sweating in their bodysuits, Amarie and Julia said, "He put up a good fight for such a little fellow. Erk! Just look at my sweaty armpits. Look at my crotch! These suits show everything when you're sweaty."

"I know. Will you just look at me! I may as well be actually nude!"

"Ock tha noo!"

"Shut up, dworff! ... .. . Amarie, pull the fur blanket back over us. I don't want his beady little dworff eyes addressing me. Dissgusting!"

"Fookin' Beech!"

"Ignore him Julia. I wish you would! Now gag our little Mister Banks! Gag him tight. Gag him so he can barely breathe!"

"Oh thank you," said Odo.'" Thank you very very much... mumblemumblemumbe..."

"Hey, dworff!" cried Julia. "It's off to Our House with him. Drive on foul little dworff with pervy eyes! Drive!"

"Shouldn't we blindfold our little prisoner?" Amarie asked with twinkling blue eyes full of evil (perhaps magnified by the chic glasses that Odo hadn't noticed before) and her long brown hair (which wasn't black afterall) flying in a breeze that just blew up.

"Yes!" snarled evil Julia. "Blindfold him really really really tight!"

"Mnk yu! Mank yu merry mooch," Odo sighed through his ever so tight gag.

"When he gets back to Our House, we'll show him what torture really is!" Julia laughed more evily than she had ever laughed up to now.

"Then he'll know pain, Sister. Then he'll know real pain!" Amarie cackled.

"Mnk yu! Mank yu merry merry mooch!"

And so off they went, sliding through the snow. The two White Bitches were laughing in shrill sensual cruel voices, happy in their pure abominable joy; while the dworrf steered the sled looking very very crabbit indeed.



to be continued...

I do snarl evily its true. Flesh coloured catsuits not so much.

but do insects sleep at night though? its a question I have never asked myself before. and do they sleep standing up or do they lie down, their little legs folded neatly.

This insect business, Mrs Figg - pray tell, what is it?

what is it? your story made me think of stuff, its all that talk of beady eyes, and hard outer exoskelingtons.

and I am just curious.

and are we genetically more similar to insects or reptiles? I would have said reptiles, and then I thought of the complex social structure of Bees and Ants, and now I think its insects.

(thats a moth not a reindeer)

There are a lot of insects that lay low during the day and come out after dark. Right now the termites are hatching out here. About an hour after dark there are millions of them flying, with hundreds of bats swooping a feasting on them.

Mrs Figg wrote:why does Morgana wear 6 inch heels? its not very medieval.

do insects sleep at night?

Neither is the makeup she's wearing.

Odo gagged sounds like a Scotshobbit!

And I still question the Wholesomeness of this.

the tale continued...


It is an old saying in Forumshire (and also in Banana-nana-land I've heard) that "While some folk talk of insects and anachronistic-sounding make-up, others get on with telling Wholesome Tales," and that's exactly what I plan to do.

After a few minutes, the Two White Bitches rolled Odo onto the floor of the sled where they used him for a footrest, sticking their high heels into his well-to-do flesh. As I said they were cruel. Not that Odo minded for, as you must already have worked out, he thought this kind of thing quite fine between consenting adults.

This actully makes me ponder on the whole issue of 'torture'. Did you know there are two basic kinds of torture? One of them, as already mentioned, relates to the whole humanist idea of 'consent' - you know, what adults do with (and to) each other after the younger Forumshirans are tucked up snugly in their beds. But there is another form which our Mister Odo Banks was surprisingly unaware of, this being the one banned under the Geneva Convention. My point is, while Odo lay there all trussed up tight and painfully, he was totally unaware of the utter horror the Two White Bitches were planning for him.

(The dworff, by the way, while still glowering about his treatment by Julia the South Bitch - as usual - still had a warm sensation in his blackened pea-sized heart at the prospect of what Odo had in store for him; especially as the Two White Bitches sometimes let him lend a hand!)

So off the sled continued sliding, along paths bumpy and smooth and convoluted but always snow and ice covered.

"Ames?" Julia asked at one point.

"Yes, Jules?"

"Why have we enchanterated the world so it's Winter and never Erumas?"

"Have you forgotten again?"

"I have - assuming I ever knew."

"Well, it is hard to remembeer why, it being a hundred years ago, and we barely teenagers then."

"It's hard to imagine,"Julia giggled, "that we've just had our eleventy first birthdays."

"And hardly look a day over whatever age we look."

"That's true."

They then proceeded to talk about shopping, and what the much younger East and West Bitches (Smelly and Porc) might be doing, and Women's Liberation, before moving on to talk endlesly about their 'feelings', and especially in relation to the many Warlocks who had loved them and left them - indeed, the usual kind of 'talk' which the dworff blocked out with the earplugs he always carried for just such contingencies, but Odo was forced to put up with for an hour or so - which, I guess, was a foretaste of the psycholgical portion of his impending torture at the White Bitches House.

At last, the White Bitches House came into sight between two hills among the ever present pines of Banana-nana-land. It was a splendid house, fit for a Tory, and as one would expect of a Tory's house, over it hung an oppressive atmosphere, shadowy, full of horrific secrets and depravity, excess, blood, guts, evil magic, but all veiled to some degree to the untrained eye by it's spotless cooktops, Worcester crockery, fine furnishings, timber pannelled walls, polished doorknobs, and butlers and maids with impeccable manners.

Once the sled had pulled in through the gate in an outer stone wall surrounding the House, Julia yelled imperiously, "Hey, dworff! Take him - and swiftly now - to our "Chamber of Evil Delight!"

Reentfully, the dworff clapped his hands and out of the shadows scuttled three other dworff's, every one of them as hideously mishapen and scowling as the first dworff - who I will now call Petty - not that he is anything but a fictional contsruct - so that we can differentiate him from the other three foul creepy little critters. Their names were Eldo, Davey and Halfy (who were also totally fictional, mind, and based on no person living or dead).

In a trice Odo's strapped-up-blindfolded-and-gagged body was whisked off into the White Bitches House. He made little pleased noises as they carried him because for the moment he didn't have to listen anymore to the Two White Bitches and their femininely conversations. He was also quite excited with thoughts of what the Two White Bitches might have planned for him in their "Chamber of Evil Delight."

"I wonder if he'll still be making pleased noises when they start cutting of his fingers?" grinned Eldo.

"And start poking out his eyes," said Halfy.

"And slowly begin to peel off his skin like he's a carrot!" grinned Davey.

"Fookin' 'ell!" Petty exclaimed. "Why is it always carrots with you?"

Odo wondered what all their talk meant, and, for the first time, his heart missed a beat.


to be continued...

I was right, this tale gets less and less Wholesome as it goes on!

I think I share your righteous concerns, Petty. And, yet, tales of course grow in the telling (so Anon tells me), so perhaps all will yet become Wholesome in the end! If not, another way of looking at it is, if we get to see Unwholesomeness in all it's evil oily glory, then we will count ourselves fortunate because we'll know what's what when we encounter it, and so be ready to avoid it immediately when it becomes real - even perhaps while we're (accidentally, of course!) visiting a Massage Parlour or something, Petty !

You know, I assume this is largely why righteous folk always seem to watch horrid things on TV and ring TV stations to complain, with the view of letting it be known that they know exactly what kind of depravity is going on and that they plan to avoid it, and maybe even lobby TV stations to stop showing it, for the common good. I for one admire folk like that - forever watching reprenhensible sexy depraved grubby things, but ploughing on watching it, day after day and night after night, never giving up the good fight for what's respectable! Hooray!

the tale continued...

Odo knew he was on a seat but he could see nothing. His blinfold was pressing severely against his temples. His gag felt like it was cutting into his mouth. His strapped ankles and wrists were beginning to throb. Luckilly he was experienced. So, in happy anticipation, he sat smiling and grimacing and smiling and grimacing....

But after awhile, he thought, "Where has everyone gone? I mean, I've been here for at least twenty minutes and not one smack, or kick or hard handed fondle. What kind of 'Chamber of Evil Delight' is this anyway? Reminds me of the time Mrs Figg went to hang out the washing and forgot I was bound upside down by my willy-ring in her livingroom. All the fun had fair drained out of me by the time she remembered, and her breath all smelly after an evening of garlic snails and old port, and her whip hand all limp after that bar room brawl with Mr Tyrant that was reported in the next morning's edition of NotP! She was positively flaccid! And me with welts two inches deep about the wrists and ankles, and my willy stretched all out of configuration!" Odo shuddered at the memory. Especially when he thought of that angry scene he faced with Primmy and Bella trying to explain away the state of his willy.

Then suddenly things happened. Someone was cutting his straps.

He sighed.

Then a voice said, "Quickly, climb on my back, Mister Banks. I'm here to save you."

Odo removed his blindfold to see a Lady dragon before him.

"Kafria!"

"Kaftan! And I'm here to rescue you."

"Oh... I see... Kaftan is it?"

"Shut up. Come on! Climb on my back!"

"What happened to the others?"

"They're in the White Bitches antechamber laughing at Petty the Dworff.

"Why are they doing that?"

"Oh they just found out about an Elrond scene in the appendixes of the Extended Version of The Fellowship of the Ring and they're calling Petty a 'gooneybird' for some reason."

"I see!" said Odo. "Anyway - so you're here to rescue me? I'm not sure I want to be rescued, you know."

"You fool! The White Bitches want to torture you slowly and painfully to death. Didn't you know that?"

"Well, actually...." And then suddenly Odo realized what had been happening. Those Bitches hadn't planned to have fun him with at all --- well, they had, but not the kind of fun Odo had hoped for!

"Quick, on my back. Come around behind me now... Hey! Stop that! Climb up on my back.... Stop it! You try that again, Mister, and I'll burn you to a crisp!"

"Sorry," Odo said, and mounted Kaftan.

In a trice Kaftan was bounding through passages, out the back door of the White Bitche's House, and next thing was spreading her wings. Up up and away she flew, with Odo gripping onto her shoulders in fright. He did not much like heights at all, at all.

"Don't pinch!" Kaftan cried.

"Sorry," Odo apologized and loosed his grip a smidgeon. As the ground dropped away far below, Odo asked, "Where are you taking me?"

"To the Stone Circle."

"Where?"

"The Stone Circle. I'm getting my forces readied there to fight against the evil forces of the White Bitches."

"A War?"

"Yes, and you'll be at the forefront - leading the Badger Brigade. It'll be a fierce fight. But the Prophecy must be fulfilled."

"Is that the same Prophecy where I'm somehow responsible for ending this lengthy Winter?"

"Indeed! You'll die in the War, but luckilly when the Werewolf bites out your throat your dying blood will melt the first ice. It'll start a chain reaction. Soon Winter will be gone."

"So I must die to save Baa-nana-land? Is that it?" Odo asked in quite some surprise.

"It is!"

" "


to be continued...

HOW VERY DARE YOU!!! I am never flaccid, flatulent yes, but never flaccid.

Hey this might have a happy ending afterall.

I think he's suggesting you'd had had a long day at your Eel Emporium, Mrs Figg - entertaining, you know - and by the time you remembered Odo hanging from his willy-ring (whatever that is?) you were quite worn out. Not literally but literararily!

And remember, this tale is largely 'fictous' (to coin an old word of Petty's I found on the "I Cannot Rest" thread - the one where Petty has to eat humble pie, but does so gracelessly I feel )

And I'm sure you could go on entertaning for ages and ages - or so Odo tells me!

In fact, he says to me the other day:

"Look here, Orwell. That Lady of Bree is a Real Lady. Knows how to deal with a lonely hobbit Lad (and the occasional hobbit Lass, if she's up for it). Treats 'em the right way, my friend. The right way, I says. Whether by the use of accoutrements, whizzbangs, leather, lycra or woolen stockings, face masks, gags (both linen and humourous), riding crops, whips, flails, hammers, gongs , cymbals, cucumbers and carrots - anyhow by whatever means, she's a Real Working Lass -- including her fleshly slaps and tickles and grooves --- and her stamina! -- amazing! To know properly what I mean, you need be on the receiving end of it, my friend - endure the long hours --- it can go on for days - sometimes going without lunch is required, and sometimes afternoon tea too... [sigh] ... but it's worth it in the end, if you're up to it, Son... All I can say is, as Owner of That establishment, I'm most pleased I don't have to pay --- for it can take days and days to come to a climax (I am not easily satisfied nowadays, you know), and me sharing the economic hard days just like the poorest hobbits among you! --- Anyway, her stamina is immense! --- I think it's largely due to the drugs, but nonetheless, a Real Lady - and, most of all, a Respectable Lass she is. Respectable in an Old Fashioned in-the-oldest-trade (Biblically) Tory way, of course!"

"That's my opinion of her, too, " I says in reply. And I said it with all sincerity!

So rest asured Mrs Figg, your Reputation is secure with us. Don't let a "fictous' tale like TLTWATWATRH* discombibiluate you.



*The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe, and the Respectable Hobbit.


{{{Note to self: Don't forget to ask Anon if there is a Lion in it! Also, should that be The Lion, The Two White Bitches and the Wardrobe..... etc.??? }}}

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Hey this might have a happy ending afterall.

You know, that'll get back to Odo!

I was rather Banking on that (see what I did there?). Ive already got my White Bitches scarf hat and t-shirt- go girls!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I was rather Banking on that (see what I did there?). Ive already got my White Bitches scarf hat and t-shirt- go girls!

Have you perchance read my most recent reply to Mrs Figg on this thread, as there's a fine 'asside" in it regarding a certain Scotshobbit - hope you didn't miss it, as I put it in especially for you!

If you are refering to humble pie Orwell I shall not be eating any pie until I see proof of said pie!
And fictous is a great word. And highly suitable to any Wholesome Tale.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:If you are refering to humble pie Orwell I shall not be eating any pie until I see proof of said pie!

Then go and get your shovel!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:And fictous is a great word. And highly suitable to any Wholesome Tale.

That's true --- and my point is still well made, methinks!

groan!

the tale continued....

Kaftan sretched out her gossamer wings in preparation to glide down into a stone circle on the crest of a frosty green hill. As they came into land, Odo saw two young ladies (if you could truly call them young ladies) standing stamping their delicate feet impatiently in the snow. Odo hardly noticed them at first, thinking of blood (his!), and ice, and the Bana-nana-land Prophecy, a Prophecy he did not particularly care for. But at last, as Kaftan practically threw him off her back, the two young ladies (sort of) came to him and he beheld their scowly teenage visages.

"Hey! Are you Odo Banks?" said one bluntly.

"Yeah - what's your name?" demands the other presumptuously.

"Well, what a rude way of greeting," Odo averred. "You tell me who you are and I may then tell you who I am."

"We're the Little White Bitches," said they with scrunched up bad tempered noses and petulant inflections.

"I'm the White Bitch of Whales," proclaimed one.

"And me the Little White Bitch of Fjordianlandia," said the other.

"I suppose you'll be telling me you're the East and West Bitch next," Odo groaned crossly, for he was feeling quite out of sorts - and you would be too if there was a Prophecy going round the traps according to which you were to get your throat ripped out by a ravenous werewolf.

"You must be Odo Banks!" one squealed.

"Oh how groovy!" squealed the other.

"Soon the Winter will be over!"

"And Erumas will be here!"

"Bring up the Badgers!"

"Send out a Declaration of War!"

"I'll take it to the Two White Bitches House," Kaftan said with pleasure.

"Why not just send for a werewolf and I'll go meet it," Odo said grumpily. "Why bother with all the other stuff!"

"Well, what an excellent idea," said the Whelsh Bitch.

"Oh Lady Kaftan, Daughter of the Empress Over the Sea, would you do that for us? Go and find a werewolf!" says the Little Fjordian Bitch.

"I'd particularly love to," said Kaftan, and off she flew. And "Hey ho, happy happy day!" she began to sing.

"I don't see there was any need for that!" Odo frowned. "It's like this whole thing pleases her no end!"

Odo then began to shake as he watched her majestic scaly form skim off through the sky. But for all his shaking, he had to admit it was rather fascinating to see a small dragon skimming so beautifully.

"What if we tie him up and throw him in readiness on the Stone Table?" the Whelsh Bitch suggested suddenly.

"Yes, we wouldn't want the werewolf getting an injury if Mister Banks fights back."

"You mean to say you'd allow an evil creature to just come and kill me," Odo complained. "And me a former Mayoral Candidate in Forumshire. Fuc kin glittle bas tards! "

Now I don't know if you understand the Forumshiran dialect, and I hope you don't. But if you do, please remember that Odo was in a desperate situation and he was pretty pissed off and all, and all.

"I'll get the ropes," the Whelsh Bitch cried clapping her hands.

"I'll get the prodding stick!" says the Little Fjordian Bitch, and they skipped off together.

"Prodding stick?" he heard one say.

"I think the fans will like that," the other laughed.

"Oh I see. Make sure it's the extra pointy one then!" And they giggled.

Now the thing is, Odo had become tired of ropes and all things pointy, and he was not about to be tortured anymore, regretting that he had ever liked that kind of thing, and so, while the Little White Bitches went off to their Glory Boxes to get the things forementioned that they had been collecting for their Wedding Nights down the track, our Mister Banks scuttled off, slipping and sliding here and there, down the icy green hill in the direction of the lampost, or such was his hope.


to be continued....

A must be pissed, a enjoyed that!

the tale ends....


Now it may seem felicitous (maybe even fictous to some) but Odo managed to scramble through thorn bushes, climb over fences, flounder through streams with pebbly bottoms, and scrabble and connubriate up slippery slopes full of thistles and poltergeists, and finally enter the snow-burdened pine trees where the lamopost was --- and I'd call that felicitous!

In a trice, he was pushing through familiar mink coats, and banging on his wardrobe door until his maid, Boobialla Brandybusts heard him and let him out.

"Oh Mister Banks, are we to play 'Wardrobes" agin?" that bounteous beauty asked happily, as she much preferrred "Wardrobes" to cleaning and dusting and scrubbing any day.

"No, I have decided to give up that disgusting sort of thing," Odo cried as he found a hammer and began to secure the wardrobe forever. When he had completed the task, he said to Boobialla, "Now, how is the War with the Dark Planetarians going?"

"Oh Sir, it's been over for yonks - three weeks in fact!"

"And?"

"Oh the forces of goodness, niceness and pleasantness - with a dash of crabbitness - won..."

"What! Eldo and Pettty you mean were victors? "

"Yes indeed."

"Well, I hope they don't think they're getting all the glory for it! I hope they intend to pay me my due. "

"What do you mean? I never saw you at the battlefront, Sir!"

"I was working by other, indirect means, and I won't be sitting back and letting them get the glory."

"So what did you do exactly, indirectly, Sir?"

"Never you mind, dear! I need to work a bit on that! Now, be a dear and go and make me a nice cup of tea. There's a good girl! "

Now, you may be wondering about the Prophecy. You know, the one about Odo Banks having to have his blood spilled to save Banana-nana-land from a interminable Winter without Erumas. Well, the fact is, Prophecies are generally crap, and this one turned out to be no different!


THE END