WHOLESOME TALES

I dont know whether to laugh or cry.

the tale continues...


After lunch Halfy, in his slow deliberate way, began the construction of a flying boat as he had the interesting idea of flying to Valinor and dropping in from above so as to avoid the Ban.

David saw what he was doing by the window and said, "Do you really think that you can build a real flying boat?"

"I can build anything, David. All I need is structural materials, a source of fuel, and the endeavour to attempt it."

"Out of cardboad boxes and paper glue?"

"And quite a lot of tinsel."

"If I help you, can I come too?"

"Only if you go to the toily before we go."

Petty hobbled over, looking very orange around the mouth, but satisfied. "Ock tha noo.. Ifn you is ti fly too Vallanoor, you will need gunpooder!"

"Silly-billy! Gunpowder will blow us all up!" Halfy explained in his slow deliberate way. "I plan to use petroleum."

"Petroolium!" Petty gasped. "I did na nowe it hud been inventoored yit!"

"It hasn't. I'm going to invent it --- out of flour, eggs and water - with a pinch of salt."

"That would make pancakes, wouldn't it?" David said. "That's how my Mummy makes them anyway."

"Ooh, I shood sooch lik to av un punceke!" drooled Petty.

"Well I'm going to make petroleum," Halfy insisted in his slow deliberate way.

Odo Banks sidled over. "How do you plan to make this peculiar fuel source?" he asked, for he was very interested in new ideas and had the Bywater Patents Office Palantir number in his little black notebook. (As you might have seen by now, Odo was quite a precocious child).

"I'm not tellin," Halfy said, because he hadn't quite got that far in the experimental phase. "It's a secret."

"I bet you can't even do it!" Odo grumbled, because he did not like it when other hobbits had secrets.

"I can. Go away Odo Banks. You don't even know how a wheel works so what do you know about building sky boats?"

Odo's lips became a stern line and he swung away in a temper, but he didn't let the other little hobbits see it, no, indeed not, not yet!



to be continued...

Mmm I wonder if the 'wholesome tale' is taking a turn towards the sinister (again)

Oh no, we're talking about Kindergarten children, Petty. Perish the thought! I'm sure Anon is more than well aware of his target audience!

the tale continues...

It was a terrible thing as what happened. The children came in from the playground after afternoon playtime and saw it. Halfy's flying boat was torn and cut and ripped to pieces!

Halfy cried of course. And David looked cross, because he was so looking forward to flying to Valinor and had been to the toily four times already in careful preparation for the flight.

"Some naughty hobbit has thrown a big wobbly!" Julia said wisely, as she (apparently) had some expertise in this kind of thing.

"But who would do such a malicious act?" Miss asked the room. The kindergarten teacher cast her careful eye over all the hobbit children.

"Perhaps it was Petty," Odo said helpfully. "He would do that sort of thing!"

"I woldna!" Petty cried casting a fearful eye over the Naughty Chair and Miss's thick leather whacking-strap hanging on the wall nearby.

"It could not have been him," Orwell said. "We were on the swing playing Willy-willy-where'd-you-hide-your-willy..."

"They were," said Ally. "It was disgusting!"

"Why did you watch then?" Julia asked severely, more than a little annoyed she had not been asked to join in, her being so good at that game (she had a natural advantage), but refusing to blame Orwell of course for not being asked.

"I never meant to watch," Ally said, "but they giggled so much I couldn't NOT watch!"

"Ally always goes where the giggles are," Amarie said wisely. "She's a funny little hobbit."

"I am not," Ally said.

"You are, you know."

Which only made Ally pout.

"Never mind that," Miss said sternly. "Clearly it is not either of these filthy little boys - Petty and Orwell that is! But who would do such a horrible thing as to demolish Halfy's sky boat?"

"Julia has a nasty streak," Odo offered helpfully.

"I have a temper not a streak!" Julia yelled angrily.

"Thetz troo," Petty agreed, wincing, and hoping the red haired hobbit lass wasn't about to have a hissy-fit right that second because, usually, it was his head that got bitten off in the end.

"Julia was talking about frocks with me," Amarie said. "We like talking about frocks."

"Well, I'll cross Orwell, Petty, Ally, Julia, Amarie off the list of suspects," Miss said thoughtfully. "And Eldo and Norc too, as I caught them canoodling on the swing. The little cuties! And David and Halfy, of course, can't be considered."

"Maybe Halfy did it to frame me," Odo offered, looking very innocent. Indeed, he looked extremely innocent.

"That is a clever thought, Odo, but I hardly think so." Miss looked at him closely. Odo gave her a lovely smile. "Mmm... Okay.... I don't suppose it could be you, you sweet hobbit. Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth. Let me see..that would only leave Kafria then!"

All the hobbit children turned their blazing gaze on Kafria.

"I didn't do it!" she squealed with tears welling in her eyes.

"Crocodile tears, I'd suspect," Odo helped.

"Why would I? I even helped Halfy glue the propellers on before playtime..."

"Kafria is always jealous of Halfy's scientific knowledge," Odo helped again. "Which I've heard is somewhat superior to hers!"

"I didn't Miss. I'm a nice girl!"

"And she was missing for awhile, I seem to remember," Odo helped yet again.

"I did go to the toily once," Kafria confessed.

"Kafria Dragonbotham!" Miss said with a lowered voice. "Did you totally destroy Halfy's sky boat?"

"No I didn't. I promise I didn't!"

Now, back in those days, naughty children, whether boys or girls, were meted equal punishment for being naughty, and lying, of course, was the worst kind of thing any hobbit could do. And so, despite all her tearful protests, Kafria got exactly the corporal punishment that was coming to her.





.

You know, I'd never have picked Kafria for being such a naughty little girl... Mind, I guess it's all fictional.

Well lets face it Orwell anyone who preaches Elves are evolved from dolphins and not created by Eru has to be naughty.

A very salient point, Petty - very!

the tale ends...

Odo happened to be sidling around the tables while the hobbit lasses and lads were making castles out of blocks, listening to their conversations to see if any benefit might be derived thereby, when he chanced to overhear Kafria and Petty talking in whispers.

"I never did it," Kafria was saying into Petty's ear. "I never would destroy Halfy's sky boat. I think it was a wondeful contraption!"

"But it moost huv bein yo."

"But it wasn't, I promise."

"But tha onlee udder pissibality woz Oddu! Budd he woodna do it."

"I don't know. He has beady eyes."

"He doo, thatz troo!"

"And I would not be surprised if he had a nasty streak... He put glue in Amarie's hair once when she wasn't looking, but I saw him."

"Did yoo tull?"

"No. He gave me a penny for my trouble, and not only that he said I shouldn't be a blabbermouth. I didn't want to a blabbermouth 'cause they go straight to Mordor!"

"Do they?"

"That's what Odo said."

Petty's slow and pea-like brain got to working then. After awhile, he said, "Promise not to tell?"

"Not to tell what?"

"It was Oddu hoo made me pull Joola's hair."

"Why did he?"

"He toll me he hud a gude reesin - a vurrry vurry gude reesin!"

"What reason?"

"He nefer sed! Bud hi did gie me twa curruts!"

"Well, what a mystery!"

Odo moved on, feeling a little uneasy.

Then he caught Halfy and David talking quietly amongst themselves.

"Kafria is a very bad girl for ruining my sky boat."

"That's the funny thing."

"It isn't funny at all."

"But it is because Kafria never does anything nasty - but she did!"

"That's true."

"So maybe she didn't."

"That could be true, David. But who did? Everyone else was playing outside when it happened. Didn't you hear Miss say so?"

"Not Odo Banks... no one saw him outside."

"Could he ever do such a thing? He is always smiling at people. And why would he?"

"Well, he didn't like it when you spoke about wheels and how he was stupid - I think that's what you said."

"That's true!"

"And I don't trust his beady eyes. I think he has a nasty streak. Did you know he put tacks on Miss's seat last week. And he blamed Petty and Petty got a sound flogging for it."

"Why didn't you tell?"

"He paid me sixpence!."

"That's a lot of money."

"I know, and it was only Petty... But I've lost it now."

"Lost it?"

"I think so - I had it in my bag hanging in the pegroom but when I went to look at it just now, it's gone."

"That's funny," mused Halfy in surprise. "My two shiny pennies went missing too - and only today."

"You don't say!"

Odo moved on, feeling even more uneasy.

"I thought it was nice how you wrote 'Norc loves Eldo kis kis kis,'" Norc was saying quietly to Eldo. "Because I do."

"I didn't but. Someone else did."

"I wouldn't have minded anyway," Norc said and moved her chair a little closer to Eldo's.

"What colour was the texta?" Eldo asked suddenly as an interesting thought just then popped into his fertile little brain.

"Blue. Why do you ask?"

"Oh nothing...." Eldo mused a bit longer. Then something else interesting came to mind. "Who has a blue texta?"

"No one... No, Odo has one. He told me yesterday he had a fine new texta - which he got at the Pumfrey Stationery Shoppe... He was very proud of it."

"I know, he said he got it cheap."

"Cheap??"

"Yes, Odo said he 'managerd to obtain it at a reasonable price.' He paid 'nothing' in fact, he said."

"Did you say 'nothing'?"

"Yes. He said, "Nothing, dear Eldo, is a reasonable price. Cheap, what!' And he laughed. You should have seen his beady eyes twinkling, Norc. He was most pleased with himself."

"Fancy getting that blue texta from Pumfry's for nothing..."

"I wonder now - and I'm not the kind of boy to say anything nasty about anyone - but do you think he might have stolen that texta?"

"Oh Eru Bless Us All... Surely he couldn't have!"

"And what's more - could he have used it to write 'Norc loves Eldo' on the girl's toily door?"

Julia was listening. She whispered, "I saw Odo in the girl's toily yesterday --- and the day before too, actually."

"Eewwwwww!" Norc said. "Did you tell?"

"No, I didn't. You know, he even gave me thrupence for my trouble! He is quite a generous hobbit. "

"But he was in the girl's toily!" Eldo said incredulously.

"Well, I go in the boy's toily," Julia said proudly. "I don't see why we have to have out own toilies.... Daddy says I've got no shame by the way! .... and then there was that thrupence. Which, I might say, I've gone and lost again, silly girl I am!"

"I lost my playmoney too," Norc said.

"And I won't be buying a cake after kinder," Eldo said sadly, "as I've lost my cake money!"

They had raised their voices enough for Ally to hear what they were saying. "My sixpence has gone too!"

"How careless we all are!" Eldo opined.

"Careless!" Julia exploded. "We've been robbed!"

"I didna doo eet!" Petty cried and dived under the table in abject fear as Julia's face had gone a deep red in rage.

"This is all very peculiar," Eldo said. "Someone appears to have stolen our coins. Are everyone's coins missing?"

All the children, each and everyone - except Petty of course, who had never had one - put their hands up.

"Blue texta!" Eldo mouthed thoughtfully.

"Wheels!" Halfy grumbled thoughtfully.

"Hare pooled!" came thoughtfully from under the table.

Odo slipped quietly out the back door, ran to the back fence, leapt it in a single bound, and scurried home very very quickly.



*


Odo's Mother and Father were having afternoon tea in their little rushcutters hole in Rushy Lane, Rushock Bog, when their little son came puffing and panting through the door.

"My, you're home early," Francine Banks said.

"Yes, Lad," says old Dodo Banks. "What brings you here a'scurrying?"

"Mother and Father, I have made a decision. I wish to be moved immediately to the kindergarten at Our Lady of the Ankle Length Frock."

"Out of the question," scoffed Dodo. "Where would we ever find the money for that?"

Odo sped to his room and brought out a box full of coins from it's hiding place beneath his bed.

"Wherever did you find that money?" Francine asked in shock.

"Best not ask, Mummy," Odo said.

"Why wouldnt I? I'm your Mother! You must reveal your dark secret!"

"Dark secret, Mummy? Well, perhaps you'd like to tell Daddy what you do on Thursdays at Mrs Scumbodies gym class with that Instructor from Bree... What was his name?"

"What are you alluding to, Lad?" Dodo asked, casting a suspicious glance at his wife.

"And you, Daddy - do you enjoy meeting Mrs Brandybusts when Mr Brandybusts is away on business?"

"Errr..." Dodo stuttered. "Well, I think it best we not ask too many questions. I mean - if you have all these coins, Odo, you must have saved them.. Yes that's it! Saved them up...."

"Of course he saved them up, every last coin," Francine quickly agreed. "And doesn't he make you proud, Dodo. What a clever and precocious four year old he is!"

And before you know it, Odo Reuel Banks was enrolled at Our Lady's of the Ankle Length Frock. Which, of course, was another step on his journey to becoming one of the most Respectable Hobbits of Needlehole.



THE END

omg.. just read some of these kindergarten stories! how cute is this xD feel a urge to draw stupidly, childish toddler versions of everyone at the forum.. Figg would be the very beautiful but ill tempered, redheaded girl whom every boy avoided. Amarië would have glasses and be "all-grown-up" and neat and all that and say all the right stuff. Ally would be the wimsy one with the enormously extravagant hat, Kafria would be the nice one you didn't notice at first, but turns out to be really intelligent.... oh, I see it all... Little Norc being cute and just tagging along.. and I haven't started with the boys

well you got the bad tempered thing right

I'm in shock, but I think this might be the first ever Wholesome Tale I actually believe.
Odo's early 'business' skills finally cast the scuttle incident in a truer light. Its obvious he learnt to 'acquire' things early on.
I demand you reopen the case Mirabella!

While finding out the truth is always a laudable enterprise, Petty, Odo says the investigation of such ancient 'mysteries' are surely not economically responsible, what with the public purse being so empty nowadays. The facts are (Odo tells me) the Banks Family have the scuttle, and have had it for a long time now, and much good has come of it.

This is why I dont pay my taxes!
{{{And thankyou Queen Tin for signing my employment contract as Official Keeper of the Queens Buckie with the extra insertion; exempting me from all Forumshire taxation }}}

I've been on the Palantir, Petty, and Anon tells me he is planning to write the definitive account of what happened with the Coal Scuttle {{{though he'll put it all in 'fictional' form, he says, to stave off Odo's Barristers!}}}

{{Is definitive the same as true? }}}

At last - some hope of knowing the 'true' story.

Had this one laying around for a while

The Adventures of Captain Orwell Jack McOdo

In a different era in a different time there was a suave handsome man of tripartite sexuality - not that that will ever be more than hinted at or alluded to - and he rode in and around and all about inside and out the universe with his little pussy, Ginger. And contrary to the belief of many - especially Scandavians with slightly older bodies but nimble febrile minds - Captain Orwell McOdo was not all about sex and naughtiness, no matter what anyone says, including those who knew him best. Yes, I forgot to mention, his middle name was "Jack", which was a less gilt edged and brooding name than "Orwell' I think you'll agree. When he got promoted he became Captain Jack and that's not at all plagiaristic.

One time, he was sailing through space in his small but commodious space-yacht, when his console began to bleep and blurgle and all the lights on his panel began to twinkle and glimmer and pulsate.

"I sense trouble," said he to his pussy.

"Miaow!" his pussy agreed.

"Is that a planet up ahead? It is? I can't control the ship. We're being pulled - and pulled violently - yes very violently pulled - it must be that planet pulling us, Puss."

"Miaow!" Ginger concurred.

"I wonder what kind of adventure we're in for?"

"Miaow miaow?"

"No, this is nothing like The Hobbit."

"Miaow miaow?"

"Nor Doctor Who. This will be a very new kind of Adventure, Ginger. A Captain Jack Adventure."

"Miaow?"

"Who knows, it might involve sex, that doesn't mean it's anything like other Wholesome Tales... I mean, there's plenty of Tales involving sex that belong to different genres... The Happy Hooker, for instance."

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow?"

"There was no sex in the Wizard of Oz, you idiot."

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow!"

"Yes, but what happened off stage happened off stage --- randy little Munchkins... Hey! Here we go... I hope we're not smashed to bits!"

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow maiaow maiaow miaowww!"

"Yes, that would indeed make this a very short adventure!"


to be continued....

Nice going Amarie

The Adventures of Captain Orwell Jack McOdo

continued


"Oh my goodness gracious me," Captain Jack (McOdo) gasped as the planet came into clearer view through an asteroid belt, a meteor shower, and satelite skirt. "That looks very much like Oberon Seven!"

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow?"

"It is - the best in the universe it's said. It's the jellycrystals, you know. Some say they're radioactive, but I think it's only the yellow ones that are. This could be a sticky situation, Ginger, and no mistake."

"Miaow miaow miaow!"

"Who says I would... I may not."

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow."

"Yes, I'm fond of jelly, but as to 'loving' jelly, well isn't that a bit of an over-statement?"

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow?"

"No, it's not that I prefer English Mustard - it's horse for courses with me, and you know it only too well."

"Miaow?"

"I said 'horses for courses', not 'horse radish', you idiot! Anyway - shush! - we're coming into land.... Oh what lovely colours!"


to be continued...

Ally wrote:Nice going Amarie

I think I may have hurt his feelings.

The Adventures of Captain Orwell Jack McOdo

continued

Now you may be thinking that Captain Jack would have been nervous, not knowing what was about to happen, perhaps a firey space-yacht crash, or capture by aliens - well, not aliens, they might have been indigenous to Oberon 7, so Captain Jack would be the alien in the circumstance, you know what I'm getting at --- whatever the case, Captain Jack wasn't worried at all.

You see, he'd been around the block a few times and knew a few things, one of which was to make sure you seemed cool and unfeeling even when you felt hot and agitated, even panicky. Military-type folk need to have that ability, to be calm in the face of danger, but this should never be interpreted as being unfeeling.

Captain Jack had feelings, of course - how could anyone think otherwise? - but his feelings were at the tough-love end of the spectrum. What I mean is, he could be upset by people, but not by the feeble attempts of certain people, Scandanavians is one good example.

Anyhow, back to this exciting Tale...

"Miaow miaow miaow?"

"It was merely a digression, Puss, a digression - never mind... We seem to be being guided down toward that telelander platform."

"Miaow miaow miaow?"

"As if there was ever any chance we'd plunge to a fiery death... I'm the Hero of this Tale!"

"Miaow miaow miaow miaow miaow?"

"No - I certainly hope it's not a Black Comedy! "


to be continued...