Amarie's Adventures in Forumland

I smell blackmail & I cant prove Im innocent can I ? Ive been snared by the sherbert dabs ! Its not looking good for a poor lonely widowed Hobbit is it kind sir ? Have pity on a starving wretch, I was led, yes thats it ! I was LED by... No, I wont break, you nearly had me then ! I WAS gonna say I was led by my 2 female partners in crime, ha ha ! Sly old duffer, no, I was under the influence of...dum,dum DARRRRR, Farmer Daves Hypnotic & hallucinogenic Gropeberries !   

You might find a use for this then Azriel.   

Ei incumbit probatio, qui dicit, non qui negat; cum per rerum naturam factum negantis probatio nulla sit.

Here to help.   

  Fook,    not that again !

Well, you did say you couldn't prove your innocence.   

Now where do I send the bill?   

ORWELL ! he started it    

Keep out of this Blue! The tale's not over until the fat lady sings, you know.  

Bill?   

Well -- I'm off to get a haircut.... .... .... ....

Ah, I'll find a way of misplacing it then.   

You see, aren't us lawyers generous.   

And i can probably write it off against tax.

Yes but whose tax?   

Truly, spoken like a corkscrew.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Yes but whose tax?   

Oh, take your pick. Amazons, Vodaphones ... I don't know.   

Your problem there will be finding where it is they actually pay their tax!  

I dont think they do ?

Well, they actually don't.

Vodaphones outstanding tax bill is actually larger than all the austerity measures inacted in 2012.

Yeah but David Cameron was probably bum boys with its Chairman at Oxford so better for all concerned (for their concerns anyway) just to take the money out the people and let them suffer, after all their poor already and probably used to it by now and couldnt possibly understand the hardship of having to forgo lunches that cost more than the entire benefits payment for a fortnight of an unemployed person.

Begone! I'm keeping an eye via mobile you know while out enjoying the Eversun of Oz!

Chapter Sixteen Roughly

The brain is a wonderful instrument and it is capable of storing many things, memories mostly, but also a few small trinkets as long as they are very very small. Some memories (and trinkets) are stored in the subconcious, some in the frontal lobe, and others in other parts, the brain being such a large multi-compartmental storage organ... sorry, it wasn't an instrument, my mistake. The brain is an organ. And the mind is in a brain.

Anyway, that night, Azriel's storage organ troubled her with recent darkly memories as she lay not knowing she was asleep between her two Sisters. Amarie and Julia had just as equally memorable organs but they were not using them as their consciences were asleep. Yes, Azriel was dreaming... but it seemed so real... but it was disassociative too. It was like Azriel's Id didn't want to confront what they had done - even though it was only Eldorion...

There was a forest path. Well made.

A young lad in his vacation clothes - pink hotpants and a blazer within which lay a ruffled lavender shirt as he was on his way to Paris - came sauntering peevishly along the way.

Up ahead he saw three figures in the dark....



"Oh who is this then?" he says in surprise as he meets three rather innocent (seeming) beautiful young women in pretty summer dresses that looked very much like they had been very recently washed. "Lovely ankles, I must say," says this young gentleman from America. "Oh what lovely lovely ankles!" he says. "You are rather lovely young women, I must say."

"Well met," says one with a fine crop and cascade of red hair. "We are poor lost Sisters who are sadly all out of Richard Cucumberback," says she and gives him a fetching smile.

"Ooh deary me."

Another beautiful young woman steps forward with flaxen hair. "We are ever so hungry, I hope you don't mind if we eat you, young man?"

"Oh dear!"

"Not that it will make a lot of difference if you don't agree," said the third beautiful young woman with lovely brown hair neatly tied in a ponytail. "In fact, we have no interest in any arguments you may wish to put up on the matter however wise and lettered they may - or may not - be!"

"Oh dear blimey," says the young man. "Do you really mean which what you say? Or is it some jolly sexual game you plan to play upon my throbbing body?"

"He does live in hope doesn't he," laughed the red haired beautiful young woman.

"No, we plan nothing sexual," said the flaxen haired beauty kindly. "We are going to kill you and eat you."

"Oh how perfectly ghastly," the young man opined. "Couldn't you just share my comestibles with me?"

"What comestibles?" said the red haired beautiful young woman as she made a visual assessment of his rather tasty thighs.

"The ones in my backpack," the young man said eagerly, and he quickly removed his backpack and sat it on the ground. "I have lots of healthy sustaining food in here. All approved by the American Heart Foundation."

"His rump looks very pleasing," Azriel commented as he bent over sorting frantically through his comestibles. "I bet it's tender."

"Oh please don't eat me," the young man pleaded. "I could easily make a delicious meal for you. Oh please don't make a delicious meal out of me."

"I can't hear what he's saying," the redhead said. "My ears are full of blood... Boy blood!"

''Oh please -- pleeeease! I'm too young to die!"

"You're not, you know," the flaxen haired beautiful young woman said. "Not only that, I prefer my meat young and tender anyway."

"Have you eaten young men before?" the young man asked disquietedly.

"I'd rather not say," she answered. "Quickly now, Amarie."

And the one named Amarie leaped forward and chopped boldly at his neck, killing him instantly.

"I have a strong desire for meatballs just now," the redhead grinned when the dastardly business was done.

"I'll get the wild cucurbits," Amarie said gleefully, though her eyes now showed a trace of regret. "Shame we've no condiments," said she.

Azriel stirred and sat up.

"Oh my! What have we done?" she asked the darkness of the night.

"We've murdered Eldorion Peevishboy and eaten him for supper," Julia said gumpilly. "Now, will you please stop tossing and turning and go back to sleep!"

But Azriel would not lie down. She did not want to sleep.... She feared sleep... she feared dreams...

Um, and a happy new year to you too.

 Happy New Year! And what a lovely way to begin!

I feel like I'm missing the punchline to whatever the joke is here.

Supposedly you're not around to get the joke anyway, so what does it matter?

Eldorion wrote:I feel like I'm missing the punchline to whatever the joke is here.

Ol' Anon is introducing angst, Eldo! Angst!  

{{{Punchlines! Since when?   }}}

halfwise wrote:Supposedly you're not around to get the joke anyway, so what does it matter?

I sometimes think you're almost intelligent, Halfy. Good chap!  


{{Appears to be two types of American. If we include, Dave, two kinds of American and one kind of humanoid American vegetable.   }}}

Chapter Sex Sex Sex (written in New Zealand)


From that day onward, Azriel, walked with a particularly persistent hallucination in her life: Eldo's Ghost.

And it wasn't funny.

It was disturbing. Not disturbing to Azriel for she quickly came to (a slightly crazed) accommodation with her guilty angst and said she kept Eldo's Ghost in her knickers and only took it out when she needed wise advice. But disturbing to the other two beautiful young women who never really came to grips with it --- Eldo's Ghost, that is, not her knickers.

After a few days, they came to a sign that said, "Halfy's House of Punchlines for American Youth, this way."

"What a strange gangrel thing to say," Julia commented.

"Eldo's Ghost says he thinks it better we not go that way," Azriel said.

"Well, we're going," said Julia firmly. "'So pull up those knickers, Sis, and we'll be on our way."

Julia and Amarie moved a little ahead of Azriel and as they walked had an urgent whispered conversation.

"Do you think Ol' Anon is trying to go one step too far with his shenanigans."

"Some do think as he already has overstepped on several occcasions."

"Who thinks that?"

"Orwell for one."

Julia guffawed. "That milksop is scared of bobby pins, you know."

"And what's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't fookin' know! I don't write this trash. Hey! There's a house up ahead."

"Do you think it looks like a House of Puns?"

"I don't know. What does a House of Puns look like?"

"I don't know either, that's why I asked. Oh will you just look at the funny hairy thing out the front! What a cuddly hairball!"

"That'd be Halfy, I imagine."

"Oooh he looks quite attractive in a hairy way."

"What lovely eyes he has."

"His eyes look intelligent."

"Of course, the rest of him is stupid I've heard."

"Is that a punchline, Sis?"

"I don't know."

They drew closer to the hairy being outside the house.

"Hello," he said cheerfully. "Are you from France?"

"No."

"Well then you must be from somewhere else then."

"Is that a punchline?" Julia asked Amarie.

"I'll ask Eldo's Ghost," Azriel said.

"Oh my goodness!" cried Halfy. 'What's she doing?"

"She's asking her Ghost a question," Amarie explained in a weak voice.

"Does she keep it in a box or something?"

"No, I wouldn't think so," Julia said.

"How dare you!" Amarie cried prudishly. "That wasn't funny!"  

"Oh I get it now," Julia said, unamused --- well, perhaps only a wee bit. "So this is what Americans call 'humour' is it?"

"Eldo's Ghost says he didn't find any of that particularly funny, if at all, and he's an American," Azriel told them knowingly.

"Please, Azriel," Amarie sighed. "Would you pleeease pull up your knickers. This is all quite embarrassing."

"Yes, Sis," Azriel grinned, not the least bit abashed - in that way she had not changed at all.

"Excuse me, ladies!" Halfy interrupted. "If you're not going to laugh at my puns, you best move on."

And so the three young beautiful women hurried past Halfy's House of Puns and never ever discovered if Americans had a sense of humour or not.  

"That was a queer meeting" Amarie said as they hurried along.

"Eldo's Ghost is rather peeved," Azriel told them from back down the path behind them. "He says he didn't find any of that punny."

"Will you pleeeeeease pull up you knickers, Azriel," Julia called out. "We've still got a Wicked Witch of the West to kill, remember!"

And she was right. So I best move on.

I envy your weird, somewhat cosy,imagination