Critics review 'Desolation of Smaug' | POSSIBLE SPOILERS

Ah, thank you Figg.

Good to know.   

It's just as I could have seen it first of everyone, it's a bit embarrassing that I'm using this amount of time to get around to it.

azriel wrote:Hey ho tiddly oh, lets skip up the grassy slope to the suddenly night time,cold wet stone mountain, Gandy gets all wise & serious, drawing his sword, like THATS gonna do anything to a swirling settee fire smoke cloud, He wouldnt have been able to stop after sliding down that shaft, (sorry ! shaft...thats YOU pJ) unless he had his mithril body wire. More eerie speech (oooooh watch out kids,sleep with one eye open!) about Sauron, war, death & all, *yawn*, & where did Raddy pop up from ? a trap door in the floor ? Bolg looks like a rubber "Archer" from "Small Soldiers". And whats with the secret coding at Laketown ,nudge nudge wink wank,(thats you again PJ) between the locals & Bard ? Why is he treated like a Uriah ? & toilets ! Is this "Johnny fooking English" now ?! And why does Balin have to do all the stirring heroic speeches on behalf of Thorin ? its so our premenstrual hero can have his moment of glory in the sun ! Jutted jaw, hypnotic gaze into....3rd camera left shot. Ofcourse this diminutive throwback is obviously such a novelty that after only a few words the whole of bloody Laketown are cheering for him ! "You've got keen eyes" says Thorin to Bilboas they look for a stair case to the "magic door",oooooh !  yeah, well, if you hadnt kept staring at your own magnificent reflection so much youde have seen it to,big head !  

      he he!

Dont think I paid money to see this bucket of pigs guts Eldo ! I didnt ! I should sue PJ for compensation ! actual bodily harm or mental health something ?

now the magic keyhole, ooooh!, they cant find it, GET OUT THE FOOKING WAY THEN ! you got "Brutus, the beefcake barber" in the way blocking any light. Sad,sad Thorin, he didnt get that Ipod for christmas ! After trouncing around looking macho he cant get key to door number 5 open ! you go home with a years supply of odour eaters. They all trudge off like 9yr old kids told off by the local fuzz, But lo, from yonder window breaks, is it Juliet ? no, its Bilbo, & hes gonna get that door open by hook or by crook, after all,hes still got a 6month contract & pick ups to do. Balin is amazed at the courage of hobbits, weird, I thought you didnt know any, (but they all look the same in the dark, ask any nympho) Ooooooh, Gandy & Sauron ! Now I AM ppffftttnn! Its Harry Potter all over again. Funny how more destructive & wizardly Gandalf is here to when he was in LOTRs, Batteries ran out in his staff I guess, USE DURACELL GANDY ! lasts 5 times longer than other leading batteries ! scheesh !

but since the only category I'm even entered in is Most Liberal- David

Not true also Most Popular Male and Most Respected.
Plus your veg collection has a nomination in the Creative Corner section but we havent got to those yet.

Azriel-   wonderful crabbit and spot on with every shot hitting its mark. If only you were aiming with steel toecapped size tens at PJ's arse!   

Nice review, ariel

 Give 'em in, Azriel Though in DOS' defense (can't believe I said that ) Gandalf in the Hobbit (book) displays his wizarding skills a lot more frequently and visually than in LotR, or so it seems to me.

I would Petty but, I fear of losing my foot !.....and probably most of my leg.....up to my thigh......he's obviously got a big arse.......its to balance the weight of his head........which has more crap in it than his arse !....hey, we've come full circle !

Gandalf in the Hobbit (book) displays his wizarding skills a lot more frequently and visually than in LotR- Ringdrotten

Well in book LotR's he does more magic than film version- he fights of the Nine on Weathertop with lightening springing up from the hilltop, and he adds the white horses to the flood, he uses magic to light the wood on Caradhras and the tree tops against the wargs all before Moria.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Gandalf in the Hobbit (book) displays his wizarding skills a lot more frequently and visually than in LotR- Ringdrotten

Well in book LotR's he does more magic than film version- he fights of the Nine on Weathertop with lightening springing up from the hilltop, and he adds the white horses to the flood, he uses magic to light the wood on Caradhras and the tree tops against the wargs all before Moria.

The Moria warg scene was a bad one to leave out of the movie. Then again, Peej's idea of wargs sucks, so who cares.

Ok, if I was put in a Jurassic park film, & I knew there was a T-Rex hidden somewhere but, I had a Ring of invisibility, I think I might use it. Always ! But Bilbo is convinced the script writers are NOT going to let anything happen to him (its in the contract ) So, he not only talks to himself, (hes lonely, cant get Thorin to like or understand him, its a common complaint) he clinks & chinks his way all over the Way to much hoard of gold coins, (must be in David Cameron's piggy bank) Yet again, no one hears anything in the cosy run down council estate that is Laketown. I say run down as they seem so cut off & down trodden & depressed really. Ninja Orcs in soft fabric Japanese sandals do a "Hidden Orc, Flying Dragon" over the roof tops, burglars haven I say,where's the Laketowners ? they must be all at the match ? Then, grieve not fellow readers, Here she comes to rule the day, Tauriel, the flying walnut whip. A little bit of Elven soft porn as she gives Kili a massage, no wonder he sees a glow round her. And now, the dramatic climax, (the one before the next dramatic climax) Thorin, Sylvester Stallone of the Dwarf world, dumbfuck so far that he is,(moody sod) out wits the dragon, (more ooohs boys & girls! remember, your at a panto !) then he sets up the furnaces, & boy must his gas bill be high, I wonder who his provider is as the fires heat up in SECONDS ! Irrespective of the fact theyve been lying idle for how long ? Cue Mumakil segment , & we're off ! Indiana Jones/James Bond. Thorpe park molten Lava ride & the statue of Thror ? or whoever ? I dont know, I dont care ! wheres my pills ? melts like a chocolate Easter Egg on a radiator ! Is this a Ferrer Roche advert ? Smaug tho has seen "Goldfinger", isnt going down that path, oh no, Up he rises & calls a nah nah nee nah nah on Bilbo & flies off to pinch his toys. Smug Thorin, relieved (in more ways than one) Kili, Legolas has gone to plug himself into his computer to charge up, & Ive collapsed into a state of WTF was that ?! It was rushed, nothing gelled, there was no proper explanations, it didnt flow, it was crass & boring, mediocre & amature-ish. Stephen Fry looked like he walked in by mistake, (he should have played Fagin in "Oliver", but lost his way) Alfid or whatever his name, looked like a gayboy that was looking after his master as he liked older men, (with money) The Orcs came from a 70's American kids saturday morning programne, Bard was Legolas from FOTR. his kids looked like one was from Heidi & the other from The Sound of Music, the lad was good tho. Smaug writhed about like a snake, looping round & round, then, suddenly he had substance & was solid, Dragon like. All in all, waste of my time & if I had paid, money !

''more ooohs boys & girls! remember, your at a panto !) then he sets up the furnaces, & boy must his gas bill be high, I wonder who his provider is as the fires heat up in SECONDS !''

  brilliant

Thankyou very much everyone, I know I went on a bit but, I was fooking rattled !

azriel wrote: the lad was good tho.

So a partially positive review then?  

Yep, the only one your gonna get I think   

I hain't seen it yet, all these reviews are not encouraging me to until socially forced into it.

consider yourself socially forced.   

I don't feel forced, though I have to admit to a slight tug of morbid curiosity.

tug that morbidity! tug it!    give it a good old twanging

I don't know if that means you're encouraging me to see it or not, but the main deciding factor is I don't want my money (or anyone's on my behalf) to go into PJ's till.

fair enough, but will you watch it later on dvd?

Yeah, probably, if I'm feeling particularly masochistic

I'll get around to watching it.  

Might still be a little while though.

Wow, that's at least three of us who haven't seen it.

I had a chance to see it the 10th, but I had an exam coming up so had to let it go.

I think there are a few others as well. Surprisingly many actually.