An Unexpected Journey as seen by Petty Tyrant

Why wasn't I aware of this thread before [don't answer that, I know the reason].

Anyway, haven't read it all yet, but so far it's gold!

 

Thanks Elthir- glad you are enjoying it.
next part- now!-

Deep in the depths of the mountain, down where it was darkest, well except where the characters were going to be, there it would be as inexplicitly well lit as everywhere else, Bilbo lay in a  handy pool of light.

Slowly he came to in a horrifying flash of memory as he recalled plummeting from the cliff, burning his hands on the rope as he fell in panic, and then falling, falling down into a huge crevice of hard dark rock, down into the darkness to where?

He opened one eye. He was in an inexplicably well lit tunnel.

He did not know how far he had fallen, and he was afraid to move in fear of discovering what horrible injuries had been done to him, as surely would have been by such a terrifying plummet.

But suddenly he realised he had been apparently and improbably saved from all harm by landing on a one foot high cushion of greenish-blue mushrooms. He did not have so much as a bruise and his hands, whose skin should have been raw and burning were mysteriously absolutely fine too. They must also be skin healing mushrooms.

“Misty Mountains?” he mused to himself, “Mountains of Inexpiable Jammy Bastardsness, more like”.

But just then he heard a sound.

A short distance away down the tunnel lay the goblin who didn't know how to use a sword, it had not had as miraculous a fall as Bilbo it seemed, though it was still alive.

A strange creature, who everyone else knew was called Smeagol because he was in the film which haunts this one and so they were just going to downplay the whole Gollum name thing here, was pawing at the goblin.

There was a strange light in Smeagol's eyes, which was good as it was something they did not bother their arse with last time.

“Yes! Yes!” Smeagol hissed and licked his lips greedily eyeing up the unconscious goblin, he grabbed it by the legs and began to drag it away down the still mysteriously well lit tunnel.

Suddenly the goblin came to and began to thrash about and Smeagol stooped picked up a rock and began to gratuitously and unnecessarily violently bash its head in whilst a horrified Bilbo looked on, peering out from his miraculous bed of life saving mushrooms.

As Smeagol continued to hammer away at the goblin's head with a rock a gold ring flew from his pocket and into slow motion.

It fell slowly towards the tunnel floor, turning slowly, glinting slowly and finally bouncing slowly on the floor, landing slowly, slowly bouncing slightly less a second time, then it rolled slowly and then finally spun to a stop, slowly. And all as Bilbo looked on.

With a final unpleasant crack to the head Smeagol succeeded in subduing the goblin and dragged it away down the tunnel muttering “Must eat goblinses” as if he needed to give himself instructions.

Bilbo crept out from his hiding place among the low mushrooms and went over to where he had seen the golden Ring fall slowly to the ground. It was still lying there.

He held out his sword which was still glowing blue, meaning despite the fall and the continuous pummelling with a rock to the head by Smeagol, the goblin was still not dead.

The Ring glinted however in the light of the sword. Bilbo bent down and picked it up and felt like he was moving in slow motion.

He held it up and examined it, holding it between forefinger and thumb, then hearing a distance cry from Smeagol he turned in that direction, “Excuse me!” he called, “I say, excuse me! I think you dropped your ring,” he called out helpfully, but there was no reply, “Bother!” he thought to himself, “I shall have to take it to him then,” and he set off down the tunnel following Smeagol.

It did not take long before the tunnel opened out in to a large cavern, but a well let cavern though no light sources could be seen.

There was a pool of water that stretched off to the far side of the cavern, which despite this supposed to be deep in the mountains, he could see the far wall of.

Roughly three quarters of the way between himself and the far bank there was what should have been an island, where Smeagol lived, unfortunately in this it was no more than an ugly jagged shard of rock that rose up out of the water at a steep angle.

Perched at one end of it was Smeagol, singing over the body of the Goblin.

“I say!” Bilbo called, “You dropped this,” he held the Ring up but Smeagol was still singing and was absorbed in the goblin and did not hear or see him.

As Bilbo looked on the goblin sprang to life yet again, which was frankly amazing, “If all the goblins in these mountains are as hard to kill as this one they must be very formidable in battle, why he has survived a fall from great height, smashing through a wooden bridge, another fall through the crevice, a hard landing on the stone floor, having his head repeatedly bashed in with a rock and now this!” Bilbo thought.

But Smeagol cracked this one again on the head, a final fatal time. The blue light in Bilbo's sword flickered as if it had run out of battery and went out.

He looked down at it, and then looked around himself and wondered why it was not actually any darker than when the sword had been glowing.

He looked back towards the outcrop of rock in the pool. Smeagol had gone.

There was a hiss above Bilbo's head and he spun round sword still in his hand.

Smeagol was perched on the rocks above his head, his eyes glinting, suddenly he leapt down in front of Bilbo and sat crouched in front of him.

“Bless us and splash us precious,” Smeagol hissed hoarsely at Bilbo, “That's a meaty mouthful.”

“What?” Bilbo replied with a frown trying to decipher this, “I came to give you something,”he said slowly as if talking to a foreigner, “you dropped it,” he went on but Smeagol interrupted him.

“Its not an elfs,” he said wandering around Bilbo, “what is it? What is it precious?” Smeagol demanded.

“What is what?” Bilbo queried then it dawned on him, “oh you mean the thing you dropped?” he reached into his pocket to take out the Ring and return it to its rightful owner but before he could Smeagol gestured at Bilbo,”No, what is it?” he aid pointing.

“Oh, what am I?” Bilbo corrected, “My name Is Bilbo Baggins. And I just want to return this ri...”

“What is a Bagginses, precious?” Smeagol demanded interrupting again.

“I am a hobbit from the Shire,” Bilbo informed him, “but I just want to give you this back,” he tried again.

Smeagol crept on all fours towards Bilbo, “Is it soft? Is it juicy?” he asked.

“I beg your pardon?” Bilbo said backing away, “Look, I don’t know what you think you dropped but it was actually this r..”

“Are you lost?” Smeagol asked with a glint.

“Well actually yes I am,” Bilbo admitted.

“Ooh we knows,” Smeagol said and leapt behind a rock so he somewhere to duck to speak to himself behind, “We knows safe paths for hobbitses” he said echoing a line in the film which overreaches all else.

“Oh, well that would be jolly nice of you,” Bilbo said, “and I can always return this when we part at the exit,” he added and put the ring back in his pocket, “shall we get started?”

“We know safe paths in the dark,” Smeagol reiterated, then ducked his head behind his rock and cried, “Shut up!”

“I didn't say anything,” Bilbo remarked.

“We knows,” Smeagol replied, “but we have to do our double act, good Smeagol bad Gollum routines now precious,” he hissed and ducked behind the rock.

Bilbo stood impatiently by hearing the muttered conversation float up too him-

“Yes, we was talking to him, precious, we was.”

“No he wasn’t precious, you've got no friendses.”

Smeagol popped back up from behind the rock.

“Look I don’t know what your game is just lead me out, and I can return your ri..” Bilbo started to say

“Does it like games?” Smeagol demanded, “Does it! Does it!”

“Well, yes,” Bilbo replied,” I do actually.”

“Lets play riddles” Smeagol cried, then suddenly he leapt back behind his rock, “No lets finish him off,” he hissed, “Finish him off now!”

“You wont beat me at riddles that easily,” Bilbo called out to him not taking Smeagol's meaning, “I want to play.”

Smeagol leapt back out from his rock and in front of Bilbo.

“Just a quick game, then you can show me the way out and I give you this rin...”

“Yes! Show you the way out,” Smeagol interrupted, then ducked his head back behind his rock, “if it loses, precious, then we eats it,” he said in his evil voice and then popped back out again.

“Whatever,” Bilbo said with a shrug, “are we going to go through the whole riddle bit? Its the only good scene in the whole film and largely not worth of a lengthy parody of,” Bilbo remarked.

“Smeagols doesn’t know,” Smeagol said.

“I know,” Bilbo said a sudden thought occurring to him, “We can cut away to the dwarves now, its what Peter wanted to do in the fist place until Phillipa actually put her foot down for once and insisted the riddles had to be in this.”

“Yess, precious, cuts away,” Smeagol hissed at him and they commenced their riddle game.

the first sentence is just lovely.

Phillipa had to fight for the riddles scene??? Shame on PJ!!!

Ive dropped in a bit late on this story but........... I LOVE IT !   Its SO funny !  

Thanks Azriel!

srsly you should get this published   or send it to a film company as a script for a parody.

And as I said before there is nothing legally stopping you from it either, as parodies are exempt from normal copyright rules.  

Come to think of it that's probably the excuse Peter Jackson is using for his deviations as well.  

  yes thats probably true

Nice, thanks Petty. More please!

We are insatiable when it comes to AUJ mocking.

I just read page 1 of this thread, Petty. I'll do more in the next few days (having decided not to be too upset about what PJ has done to my Hobbit!) You are so cruel - and occasionally plain unfair - but gawd it's funny.

Thanks Orwell- more to come- I am actually nearing the end finally (thank Eru!)

Just in time for the next one!  

 

  oh yes indeedy

I read the first parts and found it very well written, very funny and, sadly, too spot-on. I've not read the rest of it because I fear it'll ruin even the purist edit for me I still think you should publish it, however - if everything is as good as the first few parts, then this really has potential. Just publish it under a different name, perhaps as An Unexpected Journey as seen by a Tolkien Purist or something like that, to give potential buyers an idea of what this is. There should be plenty of people who'd love to see their thoughts on AUJ put into writing like you have done with this, Petty

I've not read the rest of it because I fear it'll ruin even the purist edit for me- Ringdrotten

You are missing the best bits!  Besides PJ already ruined all versions for you, and everyone else.  

if you mean TH I agree.

In this case yes TH though for me any PJ related film qualifies  

From what Ive seen so far, I think an assassin is called for, PJ has SO mutilated The Hobbit its not the story I recognize, nothing will make me change my mind.

That is exactly my fear as well, Azriel.

That PJ has messed up the story so badly people will shy away from reading the Hobbit because of the quality of the movie.

Agreed Blue, I said that a while ago. Newer generations will have the film in their heads 1st,THEN the book. They'll say the book isnt like the film ! Older generations that know The Hobbit cant live forever to re-read the book so.... Oh fook you PJ !

I read the book for the first time after the movies had come out, but still before I saw the movies.  In my experience talking to other people my age both online and in real life, I don't think I'm alone in that.

I read the book for the first time after the movies had come out- Eldo

Yes, and look at the damage it did there with your PJ liberalism  

Well, to be fair there have been instances referenced, even on here, already of children saying they found the movie boring and that they would have no interest in the book.

I would say though, that I don't think these movies will remain relevant very long.

For all my grievances with the LotR movies they still work as action movies. The Hobbit movies have turned out to be a convoluted mess of bad writing and overconfidence in new technology.

I honestly see them dating very quickly. And they will certainly not be seen as triumphs anywhere but the box office in future.

If I were the Tolkien estate however I would sue Warner and Jackson for damage to the original work.