An Unexpected Journey as seen by Petty Tyrant

I dont mind criticisms good or bad when its, as yours was, constructive.
Its the unqualified sorts that no use.
Its always worth looking again at your writing in light of feedback I think so feel free to comment as you see fit.

And yes the whole question of how anybody gets anywhere involving crossing the mountains including Azog and crew will get a mention.

I got lucky with teaches, I had an average english teacher but a superb history one who used to teach english, he taught me more than my english teacher ever did.

“Yes, yes I do,” Bilbo replied, “But I am serving no purpose here so yes, I would rather be home. Its ok for you dwarves, you are used to playing the supporting roles,” he said and then stopped when he saw the crestfallen look on Bofur's face, “see!” Bilbo exclaimed, “even I am doing it now, turning the story back to being about you bloody dwarves.”

 

actually this scene is one of my most crabbit inducing, it completely twists Bilbos character. He would never have snuck off and left them. The Whole book is about him sticking with the Dwarves through thick and thin to the bitter end. He was a Hobbit of honour not a coward. The only time he left the Dwarves was to give the Arkenstone to Thranduil, and that took more courage than anything he had done before.

Well I do agree with that Figgs, I did like the scene in cinematic terms, although it did feel a bit forced it was nice to get one quiet, beutifully played scene between Nesbitt and Freeman before the film went all Crystal Skull on us, in anycase I thought it was a nice nod to Bilbo's internal monologue of missing home in the book, which otherwise would have come out of knowhere in his speech at the end of the film.

I do however agree that was a suspiciously well lit and well placed arsehole of a cave!  

PJ doesn't expect anyone to question his genius, so he feels like he can create unrealistically convenient situations without anyone caring. It's like the rock giants are supposed to distract us from the fact that they just happened to find an unoccupied cave. Clever girl...

True, but the book of The Hobbit was rather convenient if you think about (not that I didn't love it).

In any case the stone arsehole monsters is as I understand based of a GDT concept.

This is a really good read. I need to get around to reading the last couple of parts.

What strikes me though is that while PJ & co might have keept the big lines of the story they changed just about every singel detail. Changing the opening paragraph is unforgivable.

You know, you could even publish this. As a parody it is excempt from the normal rules of copyright. At least under norwegian law.

Thanks Blue.
Theres a few more (painful parts) to go yet, but I am nearly through!

Nearly through part one of three, you mean!

Dont remind me!  

Well, they're a wonderfully funny read if that's any help.  

Artists must suffer for their art you know.

Im sure they arent meant to suffer this much- I have to rewatch the film  

Well I did buy the EE out of curiosity so come Thursday I will be suffering as well.

And I'll be sure to keep note of everything you've pointed out.

The hole-poking continues.  I'm surprised I never noticed the stack of wood appearing out of nowhere. And even though I've seen the movie a few times (only because I kept going to theaters only to discover they were NOT Hi-Def or gigantivision or what-not) somehow it never occurred to me that Gandalf was supposed to be with them, and obviously would never know they had been snatched by goblins if he wasn't.

Yeah by all rights Gandalf should have got part way up the mountain path, then run out of path as it would no longer be there, as the parts that didn't crumble away were really stone giant knees.
And even assuming he could get as far as the cave somehow, he would just have found an empty cave and gone home for a pipe instead and have had to right them off as lost in the mountains- swept away in a storm.

cant wait for all things Tauriel  

 

I'm waiting!

Um, yeah sorry Forest- expect it soon- maybe even later today- so much happening at once (bloody Pure Publications- they've got me dong news rehearsal all bloody day, Ive got to get my kilt washed for hosting the awards   and Ive got two birthday editions of NotP up in the next few days  Its taking away from my drinking time!  

The goblins jabbed and jostled the company of dwarves forward through the wide roomy, well lit tunnels.

“What do we do now?” Balin whispered to Thorin who was close by.

“Well it could be worse,” Thorin commented looking about them as they were led into a massive cavern whose walls were covered in wooden gantries, themselves covered in goblins who were acting with slight regard for their own safety in the dangling precariously from unsupported heights department, “it could be much worse, we could be dragged down dark dim claustrophobic tunnels whilst the goblins whip us on and chill us to the bone with a vicious soul sapping reprotiore of tortures to come, instead of being led into this huge, but brightly lit with a warm friendly orange glow cavern.”

Their conversation was brought to an abrupt halt as the goblins led them onto a platform before a throne, which doubled as a comedy toilet.

The Great Goblin himself was astride his throne and scratching at his chin, which as well as being about the size of several normal goblins added together was also shaped like a ginormous pair of  testicles. They swung unpleasantly and distractingly whenever he moved his head.

The Great Goblin stepped from his throne, using smaller goblins, who squealed under the immense weight, as steps down from the throne. Which seemed a highly implausible sort of an arrangement to the Dwarves.

“Who would be so bold as to come armed into my kingdom?” the Goblin king demanded, and all the dwarves burst out laughing as from this immense goblin with a face like a prize winning subject in a testicular cancer ward came a voice that sounded like it had gone to an English prep school, before being admitted to RADA.

Undeterred by their laughter the Great Goblin continued on in his ridiculous squeaky voice, “Spies! Thieves! Assassins!” the goblin cried listing all the bad things he could think of in a voice that teetered so close to the top of the range it occasionally cracked.

The Dwarves were doubled over with laughter.

One of the goblins who had brought the dwarves edged forward, “Dwarves, Your Malevolence” he said, being a well educated goblin who knew long words.

The Great Goblin bent down and peered closer at the group, “Dwarves?! Are you sure!” he squealed, “most of them don’t even have proper beards?”

“Yes, I know,” the Goblin replied, “but they are supposed to be dwarves. We found them on the Front Porch, you know, the one that used to have that simple secret entrance at the back and that you made us build an expensive and difficult to engineer collapsing floor for?”

“Well don’t just stand there,” the Great Goblin declared wobbling his chin balls at them, “Search them!”

The goblins began hauling at the dwarves, pulling weapons from their sides and rummage through their packs, throwing everything in a heap at the Great Goblin's feet, “Every crack! Every Crevice!” the Great Goblin said fondly remembering his time working at the BBC in the 1970's.

One of the goblins pulled out Oin's ear trumpet and smashed it underfoot, which was a pity as he was going to use it later.

“What are you doing in these parts?” the Great Goblin demanded of the dwarves with a wiggling of his mighty ball sack chin.

Bifor raised a tentative hand,”That depends by what you mean by these parts? Do you mean the mountains in general? Or this cavern in particular?”

The Goblin looked confused by this and then cross, “We will make them talk!” he declared to the balconies of goblins on the cavern walls and even roof round him and they all cheered and gibbered and continued to endanger their own lives by hanging from rickety wooden constructs at great heights, “we'll make them squawk!” the Great Goblin squawked himself. “Bring up the Mangler! Bring up the Bone Breaker! And why don’t we ether keep these things somewhere handy or take prisoners to the dungeons? Anyway, start with the youngest,” he ordered with a another wave of his scrotum chin at them.

“Wait!” Thorin called out, and stepped forward before the Great Goblin, “we aren’t sure exactly who the youngest is supposed to be, it could be Fili or Kili, but we might have changed it to Oin.”

“Shut up!” the Great Goblin squealed in annoyance and then peered at Thorin, “Well, well, well, look who it is.”

Thorin looked back over his own shoulder to see who the Goblin was talking about, but there were only more goblins and the rest of the dwarves there, “Who?” he asked puzzled.

“You!” the Goblin roared and his bollock chin trembled, “Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror. King Under the Mountain.”

“How did you know that?” Thorin demanded, “I mean its not like there are pictures of me doing the rounds- its impossible you could know I was Thorin just by looking at me- I've been living in the Blue Mountains for decades for a start. And we've never met before, I never forget a giant testicle shaped chin. So how come you can recognise me instantly?”

The Great Goblin looked somewhat sheepish, “I cant tell you that, its not been very well thought through you see, but it doesn’t matter because your don’t have a mountain, and you are not a King, which makes you nobody, really,” the Great Goblin grinned evilly at them over his bulbous ball chin.

“I haven’t even admitted I am Thorin yet,” Thorin pointed out.

“I know someone who would pay a pretty price for your head,” the Great Goblin said, “just a head nothing attached. Perhaps you know of whom I speak.”

Thorin and the Company of dwarves collectively sighed, “Is this going to be yet more foreshadowing?” Thorin asked wearily.

“NO!” the Great Goblin roared, “revelation this time. I speak of an old enemy of yours. A pale Orc, astride a white warg.”

“Azog the Defiler was destroyed,” Thorin insisted and all the other dwarves looked at their feet or took to quietly whistling and admiring the cavern interior.

“So you think his defiling days are done, do you?” the Great Goblin demanded.

“We didn't “ Balin muttered.

The Great Goblin cackled evilly for the benefit of his followers and turned to a tiny goblin that sat in a small wooden contraption which was on a pulley that disappeared a long way off into the cavern floor.

Despite being a goblin this one was a scribe, and had a nice book of paper and  a quill pen in his hands procured from the little know Goblin Paper Mills of Gorgoroth.

“Send word to the Pale Orc,” the Great goblin told the scribe, “tell him I have found his prize.”

“Why doesn’t he just call him Azog now?” Bofur whispered to Oin who shrugged.

The scribe goblin unhooked his contraption and hurtled off through the cavern with his message and into the darkness, eventually.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Um, yeah sorry Forest- expect it soon- maybe even later today- so much happening at once (bloody Pure Publications- they've got me dong news rehearsal all bloody day, Ive got to get my kilt washed for hosting the awards   and Ive got two birthday editions of NotP up in the next few days  Its taking away from my drinking time!  

did we ever get those two birthday editions?  

No- as I had the filming stuff get in the way- however there is bumper edition planned to celebrate Orwell, Norc and Azriels birthdays. (I've already been down the printers and read the spread on the history of Norc, from cute seal clubber to sweary Forumshirian, its an eye opener and a must buy edition (I may have been contractually obliged to say that last bit))


Now read the bloody story!  

When does Oin use his ear trumpet again?

Wait and see!   (And if you were more observant when watching it -and had spent days on end editing it- youd already know the bloody answer! Lazy ball of fur.... )

Pettytyrant101 wrote:
Now read the bloody story!  

I do like it when you get all macho  

What do you mean when? Im always macho! Or is that always drunk? I forget