Purist Rap

An Open Letter to Peter Jackson

Who made you?  Separate the wheat from the chaff,
the good from the bad, the artists from the cash
seekers.  The difference between film-makers and fans,
is that those who read will get the last laugh in the end.

The world knows your name, it sucks but its true,
but I'm an unknown, so let me enlighten you.
I'm your favorite target, the one you bash on so great.
I'm a purist: the stereotype your fans love to hate.

It's hard to make it through a thousand page tome,
but I did it in a weekend when I was ten years old.
I knew more about Gondor than I did World War II,
but since then I earned my degree, how about you?

You can spread gore real good, but emotion's beyond you.
You've always had Bad Taste, but Ebert tore Lovely Bones a new
Asshole, what do you think happened?  No doubt something changed.
Was it your films?  Your fans?  Maybe your brain?

First, step back, remember who made you a superstar.
Raised you from splatstick to working with Spielberg.
Opened the door to King Kong after the U dropped you,
Gave you money, fame, and hot bitches in elf costumes.

That's right, it was all Rings, and we made it a hit;
the devotees of the Oxford don with the biggest dick.
I spit shit with my friends on the Internet nightly,
debating Balrog wings, and bringing knowledge to newbies.

You should have asked us about those wings, ya sucker.
We coulda told you how orcs breed too: they're fuckers.
But you'd rather bite off Bakshi cause you saw him in '78
You were real young and real dumb, so you thought he was great.

This might not bother me if you had some respect and class,
But the only ones you ever looked up to were studio brass.
It was the Baby of Bloemfontein who made you a high roller,
So give a holler to Tollers when you're making those dollars.

I could call you a fat Kiwi slob, but I don't go for cheap shots;
Unlike you, with your dwarf tossing, Hobbit farts, and Troll snot.
Your reasoning smells like something from your caboose.
It's hard to respond, so let me let loose.

I lyrically dominate, take a book to your ass;
but it's okay: when there's a light on the water, all souls pass.
I'll shit on you from here to a far green country under a swift sunrise,
But there won't be no Gandalf to wipe the tears from your eyes.

The difference between us is that I reference what I know,
You coast on writers who've been over their heads from the word go.
This has gotten too long, not unlike Return of the King,
so let me wrap up this song with one last sweet thing.

You'd be a nobody if Middle-earth hadn't brought in the green,
so pay more than lip service to the J-double-R-T.
But also show respect to the deplorable cultus,
Cause the ones with the most Lore and the best rhymes is us.

NB If anyone gets all of the references up there I will be very impressed.

Ha that's awesome  

 crikey! you're on fire woop woop!

Excellent stuff Eldo- and purist it may be, but 12 verses and no mention of buckie- hardly a proper song!

look out Eldo's on fire
draggin PJ throu the mire
cos his AUJ is totally dire
isnt inspired
makes me tired
he should be fired
cos he's a big fat liar
he's given us Tauriel
whos as boring as hell
ugly elves in Rivendell
he's trying to sell
gross out jokes
hunky blokes
chunky Legolas
I think i'll pass
and watch Game of Thrones
instead

Didn't get all the references (not by a long shot!), but loved it all the same Great stuff, Eldo

Holluh!

omg i loved it  i got the references, i think..  great anyhow  i loved it^^

Im like Bilbo with the sting
Il stab your Lordly ring
even tho you want the Bling
your song I will not sing
so They say films can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
so your blaggin, about a dragon, & bilbo Bagging,
and your bitch is haggling, cos she thinks she knows Tolkien,
Like Christopher Walken, I be talking, he be Prophesying, your demising,Warner Bros will be crying,
When your ass is dying,
(respect to Eminem for helping me out with a line or 3, thanks dude!)  

azriel wrote:
 Im like Bilbo with the sting
Il stab your Lordly ring

is this meant to be read like.. yeah... u know..? or is it just me ..?

Thats the power of words Norc   You can take it anyway you like  

Why you hiding ? silly billy !  

my mind is dirty.. sorry.. (i've been pondering about what to write for the needlehole fanfic.. )

I wouldnt worry about that Norc- I suspect so is Azriels!  

...... good... she'd like the needlehole fanfics then

(your not the only one with a dirty mind !  )
The times Ive had to bite my tongue when Ive been itching to say something dodgy !  

You've been biting your tongue!  

don't ever do that Az. much funnier if you don't

Dont tempt me Frodo !!




Cheers guys !   I be myself a bit more !................... (oh God!)

Pettytyrant101 wrote:You've been biting your tongue!  

Eh ? I dont know what you mean ? Little ole moi ?

''and your bitch is haggling, cos she thinks she knows Tolkien,''

never a truer word was spoken  

Thanks guys, I'm really glad you liked it. This was my first time trying to write any sort of lengthy poetry for several years, but I felt inspired so I had to get it out.

Also, Mrs Figg and Azriel, I love your verses!

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Excellent stuff Eldo- and purist it may be, but 12 verses and no mention of buckie- hardly a proper song!

I'll try to keep that in mind if I write any more songs.