Agent Nora and The Carrots From Mars

I hope you are sitting comfortably dear reader as this is a tale of High Adventure and Derring Do, and might make you squirm in your seat, so get some cushions for your cheeks.
Farmer Dave was somewhat of a "Character", and was well known for riding about town on a pink bike with a sweet kitten sitting in a basket up front. Everyone Awwed as he passed, thinking how cute and cuddlesome they looked. But little did they know that Dave had a Dark secret. Yes fair reader, he was Adventurous.
Dave had gone on some serious adventures, climbing the Himalayas dressed in only a wife beater Tshirt like wot Bruce Willis wore in those manly films he done, and some biscuits. He had scaled the Matterhorn Mountain and Mont Blanc with only a roll of string and some Kendal Mint Cake. He had survived the Hindoo Cush with only some Nivea Hand Cream for Delicate Skin and a smile, his heart was tuff and his head was full of dreams, but sadly his tummy was full of parasitical organisms, and wind. yes delicate reader, the greatest adventure of them all was played out in his large Intestine.
Lady Diarrea with her tricks of wild dashes to the Loo and her Children, Exploding Pants and Skidmark, were his constant companions.

It was on one of these adventures when he had battled his way through snowstorm and dripping orifices, that he stumbled upon a hidden village up a remote mountain track. The people were dressed like Aztek warriors and had no contact with the outside world, apart from the time that Brad Pitt had tried to adopt one of their grannies. They thought this was odd as he normally wanted kidz for his gobshite of a wife, but to anyone from outside the village the grannies DID look like kidz, as everyone was at least 500 years old.
He stumbled into the village. as I said dear reader, and asked for Imodion, or at least a new pair of undercrackers. The village Elders looked upon him with pity and fed him with their magic root crops until he felt better enough to continue being rashly adventurous. From that day onwards he never had a dicky tummy again.
When he was safely back in Svalfart and he had started farming his prize taters, he remembered he had gathered seeds and tubers from the village, as he had watched Master and Commander with Russel Crow and thought collecting flora was de rigeur for the serious adventurer.
From that time onwards Daves spuds and carrots were the talk of the town, and during the Summer festival he cleaned up all the awards for strangely shaped veggies.

I suppose you are wondering where Agent Nora is? well have no fear she is arriving shortly.
Farmer Daves carrots were particulaly popular and many townfolk waking of an evening for a quick slash, would turn over to see their beloved (or barely tolerated) gently glowing and pulsating in the half light like the hands of those fluorescenty alarm clock things.
No one lost their keys or pennies down the side of the sofa anymore, men even remembered to put the toilet seat down after peeing. Their brain capacity seemed to have doubled at least, which made them almost worthy of chatting to over toast and marmalade of a morning, (but that was pushing it).
Agent Nora didnt like carrots, she had been scared by one as a young woman, its true that one end had been held by a strange man in a mackintosh in the park, and its true that he was dribbling, but the carrot had stuck in her brain as forbidden fruit, and had never eaten one since.
So when Strange Things started happening in Svalfart, Nora was the one who noticed.

This sounds an enticing a juicy tale, Mrs Figg.

It was Noras day off and she was in town shooting the breeze and trying to avoid Biffos shrimp pants, when she walked past the local cinema and saw a very strange sight. The poster said "LOTR MegaMarathon", and people were staggering out with sweet smiles on their faces. Amongst the crowd was DI Petty, he had on a T shirt that stated quite clearly in big letters I PJ. he seemed to be crying with joy, and was shouting to anyone who would hear "Oh the joy, the spectacle, the dialogue!!oh joy!". Orwellian was nodding in agreement, and they both toddled off to Orwellians garage, where they were making a space rocket with toilet rolls and spit. Later she bumped into Lesters Cat, who was hacking up a furball and talking smack about his cousin Rufus who had pooed on his young mistresses pillow. The strange thing was that lesters Cat and Rufus were humans, who thought they were cats. But the very strangest thing that Nora saw that day was yet to come.

It was during the Hen Night.
Agent Nora had been asked to become Bridesmaid for a wedding between Mrs Figg and Orwellian. He had finally got divorced from his job as pathologist, and he reckoned that if he had to poke around smelly slimy stuff all day, he might as well be married to it. (and get the tax breaks for married men).
It was freezing cold that night and even the penguins wore ear muffs, even though it was doubtful they had ears in the conventional sticky outy pointy way. There were lots of laydeez wandering about with legs blue with chill under their spray tans and Kate Moss for Top Shop frocks. Nora thought she was back in Newcastle again studying for her police certificate, which included the age old party trick and public scarer "you know you are getting old when policemen start looking fresh faced and perky". and how to Taser-gun-stun drunks, and throw a mean Stinger across roads. She had been to the party supply shoppe and was wearing the regulation, 'Bridesmaid about to do her duty and hold the hair of the bride while she pukes her guts up after 10 Bacardi Breezers and a packet of salt n onion flavoured crisps', expression.
But looking on the bright side, there was a jolly party atmosphere and everyone was laughing happily at the bride as she silently slid under the table to roll around with the dogs and the sawdust. It was quite a medieval scene, and when bridesmaid Tin and Amarie started to sing 'Over The Misty Mountains Cold' there was even a moment Nora had started to enjoy herself.
Until the Incident.

......it's true......it's all too true...........

Everyone Awwed as he passed, thinking how cute and cuddlesome they looked.

Do people really think that? [scuffing toe in durt]

Well I think you are cute, with that lovely little kitten and all, but then I am somewhat of a mad cat lady.
I knew you had won awards for your Taters! I just knew it! .......and the being Derring Do.

In the smoky fuggy light of the pub Nora started to see a strange sight. The punters were all starting to emit a faint glow in the half light. It started slowly and surely from their feet, and gradually spread over their whole bodies until it reached their hair, and thats when the fun really started.
They started changing colour. The really strange thing was that nobody but Nora seemed to notice a thing. They went from a rosy pink to a frankly Oompaloompa orange. Only the cast of Jersey Shore could have been any more orange and Jordanesque. They glowed and pulsated, they emitted an earthy soily smell, and a strange snuffling scrabbling could be heard outside the pub, as hundreds of hungry bunny rabbits tried to force their way in to feast on the carroty people within. People were going to get nibbled to death thought Nora, as she knew rabbits had very sharp and dangerous front peggies.
Things were getting ridiculous. She didnt know who to turn to for help in this desperate situation. The whole town was in dire danger from the hopping hoards of wild eyed bunnies.

I am getting more embarassed and squirmish by the minute!

Anon

Amarie Those dancin carrots are so cute!

Anon Author. I aim to squirmish you some more!

Which reminds me, shouldn't Eldo give us a few more dancing carrots and such like? I'm getting weary of our emoticons. I want more!

yes I agree, I want the pants down mooning one as well.

Yes, that is a goodie. One could never get sick of an emoticon like that. Not me anyhoo.

Where is our fearless Leader and Saviour of forumshire anyway?

Hey thats not fair, I want that Mooner too!

Injured in an, 'ahem', skiing injury- sprained his wrist- somehow

OH poor Eldissimo! why would anyone want to ski anyway? its freezing and sweaty all at once, really revolting kind of sport. and as for the Apre Ski Eggnog. yuck. and all those plonkers in Romper suits barging into ski lifts and impaling you with their cattle prods' Eldissimo? Eldissimo? just say no in future. sorry about the erm injury tho. get better soon.
and never bend over in a ski lift

..Anyway where was I?.. o yes.. surrounded by Hitchcockian killer Bunnies.. Nora felt very alone and sad, who could she turn to for help? everyone was turning into carrots, suddenly Mr Halfwise burst through the door wild eyed and sweating, one hand grasping his Starbucks Double latte with extra creme, and the other hand waving off invisible enemies. "Whats goin on he wailed, theres a sea of raging furry flopsies, they are goin on the rampage!". Oh thank goodness thought Nora, she remembered Halfwise only ate doublechoc cookies and coffee, no carrots would ever pass his lips. and there was old Biffo too, he only ate Shrimps! Maybe there was hope after all?. and then there was a crashing noise from upstairs, and a sound of splintering glass, the manly vision of a Viking warrior ie 'Ringo Herring The Sometimes Absent', stood hands on hips in the doorway. "I just flew in from HQ" he said. "We need to evacuate the town, before they blow, warm weather is arriving from OZ and hot carrots tend to explode". yikes. "But we cant leave them to turn to mush", she cried. "I am a bridesmaid, and I aint givin up a good nosh up in a hurry". "Well we have one hour to find a cure" said Ringo, "Then they are sending in a crack team of Weavills to clean up". "We have to get to Daves", she cried again, "He must know the answer to all this".

what about the killer rabbits ! D: I bet agent Nora is clever enough to find a way to lock them up

Woohooo!! Ringo to the rescue! *swooooon*

'Ringo Herring The Sometimes Absent' HAHA! xD

Nora, Ringo, Biffo and Halfwise crept out the back of the pub and into Ringos Land Rover, he turned the heater on full bast, and set off to the long drive to Daves farm. The bunnies let them pass quietly and with only minimal shuffling and a bit of twitchy nosing. After all these were just ordinary humans, not the tasty carroty smelling things inside the pub. After slowly parting the bunnies with the car, they made their way to the farm. Biffo pressed his rather squashed nose to the window and let out occasional grunts if they got too close to making rabbit sushi. Daves farm was in darkness, the long twisty drive was surrounded by large and pendulous rhododendron plants, silently waving and nodding their heavy heads of flowers in the dusky dusk. Dave opened the door a crack and when he saw they were human coloured and not glowing, he let them in.
"This is all the fault of my adventurous streak", he sighed. "Those Aztec villagers are all immune to the side effects of the carrots, but it has strange effects on us, just look at my, er well maybe not there are laydeez present" he said with a blush. "Needles to say I do have the cure, but it wont be pleasant" he warned.
"Tis foretold of yore and forsooth that 2012 is Doomsday and a carrot related catastrophe will Perchanceth and striketh ye olde terrors and furry Armageddon shall kinda put thoust world up shit creek" he intoned like an extra from Return of the king. "Cor!" said Ringo, impressed. "I do like UR oldie worldy shakespearian dialogue, it reminds me of Peeder Jigson at his zenith".

"er yeah whatevva", said Dave, nonplussed. "Anyway this cure", said Nora with serious misgivings and odd and disturbing images of red latex catsuits from Amsterdam. "what does it entail?".