Agent Nora and The Almighty Stink

Agent Nora luxurated in her new office. The Super had decided it was better to keep her sweet after the Penguin Incident. After all if it ever got out to HQ that he liked to hop about a bar cribbeting and snacking on bluebottles, he probably wouldnt be getting a golden watch for his retirement present. Plus Noras report had mysteriously gone missing, the Office Christmas Party photos of Orwellian and the Barad-Durian cleaner Pedro and photocopies of Biffos Privates had also disappeared, so there was an understanding that it was better all hush hush and nudge nudge. The atmosphere had changed in the Station since the incident, DI Petty no longer talked to her, and this irked her no end, as she had always looked up to him, and thought he was a bit Byronic, or was that Moronic?, anyway. On the other hand Wpc Tin had become a friend after confiding one day in the canteen that she had had a crush on Petty for years and was a deadly rival for his affections with WPC Kafria. Tin had also confided that she was in reality Royalty, the Princess Timoteii, of the magic hair and acrylic hair extensions.
One day whilst Nora was on duty in reception a hooded figure lurched in and gliding up to the hatch, deposited a package on the desk. He, she or IT, then whipped out a form to fill in and Nora signed it, noting the immense pong of Cheesy Feet coming from forementioned hooded figure.

As Wpc kafria and her beautiful and techno savvy daughter Sasquatch, had gone on holiday to Guidolandia to see the Leaning Tower of Pizza and the Concrete Boot Museum, Nora had to cover all her outstanding cases, and she was not happy. Orwellian the Pathologist and part time skirt chaser, strode into the office with the offending package, it was dripping goo not unlike the green slime in the Ghostbuster films. "I think its something dead inside this package", he said, "it reminds me of the time I went WalkAbout in the Oz Outback, and didnt change my undies for a week". The mental image this conjured up was quite alarming, and she was slightly sick in her mouth. delicately dabbing a tissue to her mouth Nora asked him to make a full report on the contents of the package asap.
Nora was tired after a day of trying to manhandle Mr Halfwise feet first from Starbucks, he had gripped the edge of the door and was hanging on horizontally like a man Handgliding, he had a bit of a coffee habit and closing time at Starbucks was always fraught with danger. He had tried offering Nora fluffy kittenz to let him remain another half an hour, but the Manager had put his foot down and had spread butter on Halfwises vice like grip on the door, resulting in a strange wail of defeat from the poor Halfwise, as his grip slackened and Nora pulled him away.

Guidolandia!

This is off to a good start.

Sasquatch!

She trudged back to her wooden house on a hill overlooking Svalfart, it was Summer now, but Svalfart Summers were punctuated with unexpected storms coming from the Sea of Catflap. Nora lived alone, but one day she wanted to marry and had had flirted with various male officers at the station with the hopes of hooking one. DI Eldo had taken her out on a date once but it had been an unmitigated disaster after a Mexican restaurant meal. Eldo still lived at home with his Aunt Flossy a fussy and pernickety old lady, and he had invited her in for a "coffee" after the dinner. Now Mexican food is quite hot and spicy, and Nora felt the first rumblings of her Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Eldos Aunty was really posh and had doilies everywhere covered with little statues of fairies and female warrior elves with muscular thighs, the house was huge and rambling and once had been a monastery for repentant eel wranglers. Noras bowels started gaseous exchanges and hiccups, she needed the little girls room Pronto!
The explainations to the whereabouts to the loo had been detailed but Nora was beyond the point of no return, she dashed into the nearest little room, and to her horror found a wash room with a little sink, and nothing else remotely like a toilet. With a primeval cry of woe, Nora hoisted herself over the sink and let gravity take over.
After about an hour Eldo was getting worried, and set off with his Auntie Flossy to find her, they opened the door to find Nora unconscious with her knickers round her ankles in a chilli smelling oozing pool of poo.
He never asked her out again.

Nora walked into the pathologist office and waited for Orwellian to stop poking the severed members of what looked like a small pony, splayed on a steel tray before him. He looked like he was going to ask a pointed question, thought better of it, and put the tray back in the fridge with a sigh. "have you examined the package yet?" she said, slightly worried. "We think its some kind of chemical weapon, so its gone to MacDonalds secret lab, as they specialize in toxic greasy substances and potato fries" he said.
"Do you fancy a drink after work at Mrs Figgs?, he said sheepishly and suddenly. "I promise to scrub under my fingernails". "Oh, Ok" she said nervously, It was always best to maintain good working relationships with fellow officers, no matter how much they smelt of pony.
Mrs Figgs was always busy on Fridays, as it was pub quiz nite, and upstairs they held the weekly Scottish Indipendance from Imperial Oppression club, with sticky buns and tea to follow.
"This is nice and cozy, lets sit by the pool table, and Ill tell you all about my interesting toe fungus", he said. Nora gulped her pint of Butterbeer and wished she could sit with DI Petty and Eldo who were sitting chatting happily with a couple of laydeez with adams apples.

Poor Nora, finding love in Svalfart is not an easy task...

She noticed Wpc Tin hunched in a corner, staring fixedly at Petty, her eyes drinking in the manly form and noble profile, not to mention the lemon yellow cashmire jumper tied Mediteranean style round his shoulders. cor! Eldo was wearing a golfing jumper and Harry Potter scarf, and didnt seem to notice that one of the laydeez had disappeared in the gents toilets to powder her stubble. Orwellian was regaling Nora with tales from the Dark Side, or in other words his battles with only the diamond hard shards of Canesten the Fungus Slayer by his side.
Nora felt dizzy and fuggy and excused herself to get some fresh air and clear her head. outside she noticed furtive movements by the window, and in the shadow of the window she saw the mysterious hooded figure that had dropped off the package. Now Nora was used to package delivery boys having several of them popping in the station to deliver stuff every day, and as she sat at the reception desk, she knew they had a familiar smell of bike oil and sweaty knees, from her sitting position she had been daily presented with the vision of sweaty lunch boxes, so knew instinctively that this was no delivery biker, but something altogether more exotic.

"After about an hour Eldo was getting worried, and set off with his Auntie Flossy to find her, they opened the door to find Nora unconscious with her knickers round her ankles in a chilli smelling oozing pool of poo.
He never asked her out again."

oh, I feel so embarassed xD I hate poo.. it's the most...ærsjgch Dx

I love this story, even more than the first one! xD your way of telling the story with this weird, bizarre descriptions is just brilliant! "two ladeez with adams apples" HAHA LOL great one!

sorry about the Irritable bowel Nora, I am sure it is me what has it, not you.

Nora sidled up to the hooded figure and noticed a strange perfume emanating from it, It smelt like Flowers by Kenzo, or maybe Eau de Armpit Dew by Georgio Armani. Anyway it was feminine and flowery with a tang of Badger. The figure was swaying and softly moaning to itself, and was oblivious to Nora sneaking up behind it. Nora grabbed at some of the hood, and the creature let out a low growl and ran off into the night. Shaken Nora went back to the window to see if she could work out what the thing had been staring at, and all she could see was the lemon yellow back of DI Petty.
The next day in the canteen she watched as DI Petty and Wpc Tin sat together eating, she overheard Petty saying that he was lactose intolerant and could not eat milk based products, and then Biffo came over to her table sat down with his plate and started eating, spraying shrimp heads left right and centre.
Later in the town while Nora was on duty, she bumped into Amarie the lady from the Jool and coffee shoppe, and told her all about the latest mystery, the package and the hooded figure, she asked Amarie if she had seen anyone suspicious roaming about, but Amarie had been very busy with preparations for the Summer Festival, there were Morris Men, Maypole Dancers, Cream Teas, and Scare-A-Policeman-with-Tales-of-Oldieworldy-But-Oddly-Trendy-Wicker-Man-Ceremonies to organize, so Amarie hadnt had time to notice much.
Nora thanked her and gloomily walked about racking her brain for clues.

Maybe a trip over to the Lore Master might be in order, she thought, as last time during the Penguin Incident, Elthir the Wise person(not sure if its a he or she) had let off one almighty clue which had come true. The cottage looked as shrouded in mystery as always, and a burnt out Ford Capri was parked in the drive way. Thats strange thought Nora, that looks an odd juxtaposition of urban chav culture amongst this Cotswold country shabby chic surroundings. I am sure the Lore Master reads the Sunday Times Colour supplements and eats macrobiotic Marks and Spencers Tuscan olive and Parma Ham Pannini. very strange.
She knocked on the door and a volley of Spaniel barking issued from the area approximating the letter box, she could hear Elthir stomping to the door, obviously Nora had disturbed his/her daily Yoga sessions. "Before you say anything Agent Nora", said Elthir, "heres the clue".
"Look to the Whey".
What the swinging monkeys nuts does That mean? thought Nora scratching her head. Here we go again!

This is not bizarre at all when decoded, Mrs Figg, just pure evil.

why evil dear reader? I dont get the drift of your nasturtions, please explain yourself, or I get tuff.

Sorry, this is not pure evil, it's bizarre! {{{Mostly it's just hilarious! Love the way you do it. Reminds me of a series of stories my daughter wrote at school when she was about 15. She was evil too, and disrespectful to Jesus - who she called Christly Winks. Bad girl she were. Apple of her Father's eye, actooly}}}.

"Well?" said Nora, as the rakishly handsome and strangely attractive Orwellian walked into the office the next day. "Whats up with the smelly stuff?, what the deuce is it?". "The chemists have never seen anything like it on earth", he said ruefully. "But it was addressed to DI Petty, so we think it was some kind of coded warning". "Well its all very vexing and combustulating, and I dont know where to turn for help", she said. Orwell went a funny colour and said nervously "You could try Mrs Figg again, as last time she seemed to know what the crack was, but she wouldnt tell me anything as she has a mad crush on me, and got huffy when I told her I was married to my job" he said, with a mischevious glint in his eyes. He really was the biggest flirt there ever was in the towns long history, and that included Glenn the Magnificent, a famous Centurian from oldie Roman days before Pompeii got nixed. "alright Ill go", said Nora, but she seriously doubted if Mrs Figg knew anything useful.

DI Petty was eminating hauteur and other such withering vibes in the station. I think I have done something to seriously piss him off she thought sadly. Only DI Eldo bothered to chew the fat these days, and he was preoccupied by being constantly called out to sort out an argument that had erupted between a farmer and the Lore master about how far an Ent could stride, they had resorted to public brawling and hair pulling in the street, even marching up and down the High Street dressed as Beach and Oak trees, each determined to out stride the other.
This town is seriously bizarre thought Nora, not for the last time.
Mrs Figg was sitting by the bar clipping her long and cat like toe nails, they were so hard and springy they zipped around the room like mini missiles, or stinging insects. She looked up when Nora walked in and gave her an enigmatic smile. "So you have come ask about the package?" she said. Nora gulped, somehow Mrs Figg seemed to know what she was thinking. "er yes, I need to know what, why, who, and the price of fish".

"Well the Lore Master gave you a clue did he/she not?. Look to the Whey, Hey? are you listening?" said Mrs Figg. Nora was staring transfixed, out the window. Down the street wafted the hooded figure, walking at a fair crack towards the station. Nora excused herself quickly and followed at a trot. The figure kind of wavered about, like a flickering flame, and stopped in front of the station door as if waiting.
Somebody grabbed her shoulder and Nora yelped, she swung round to see Orwellian holding some papers. when she turned round again the figure had gone. "well the results are back", he said.
"Its Cheese".
"Huh?".
"Cheese".
"Sardinian Goat Cheese to be exact, and highly toxic at room temperature", he said. "But who could be sending a lactose intolerant DI Petty some stinky feet cheese?" said Nora incredulously.
and then the penny dropped... and dropped..
Who was on holiday in Guidolandia? Who was a deadly rival for Pettys affections, but who had been spurned, for a Princess with hair that any elf in Lothlorien would kill for? Who had unlimited access to Sardinian Goat cheese? It all fell into place, Whey and all.
It was Wpc Kafria wot done it.
The figure emerged from the station, and pulled down its hood, Wpc Kafria stood there blinking in the sunlight, "yes I did it, and I would have got away with it, if it wasnt for you meddling kids".
"whey hey" said Orwellian.

THE END

I never suspected Kafria, but it all makes perfect sense when you know!


Brilliant, Mrs Figg.


As to this Glenn the Magnificent... I have to say, I have no truck with notorious flirts, damn flirters! --- the one's married to their jobs, I mean...

Loved it Mrs. Figg! Though I don't think Beren would like me cozying up to Petty {{{{{But I thought it was hilarious!! }}}}}}}

Thank you Queen Tinuviel, I hope Beren wasnt too miffed. I dont want to end up in the dungeons or in Azkerban or nothin.

Don't worry Mrs. Figg, he won't be able to read it, I hid it from him And Beren puts his prisoners in a room with Huan for an hour