The Needlehole Mysteries

great! can't wait ^_^

"I have a mostly open day today"- Eldo

The perfect day for you to earn the title "Man who finally downloaded Petty's edits and watched them."

Eldorion wrote:

Amarië wrote:I liked Elf of Rivendell. Rivendell or Grey Havens. But perhaps our titles will become clear as day as 'the mystery of mr Figgs' unfolds. Come on, Eldo! Your fans are waiting!

Sadly the mystery of your titles has a much simpler explanation. They're part of an idea I had a long time ago that was one of the first things I implemented once I became admin and was able to. Everyone is free to request their own custom title if they want, though. The original plan was to have that be a reward for reaching 500 posts but in practice that has never been enforced.

Also, I have a mostly open day today so I will do my best to get some good writing done and post an update soon. In the meantime, I've added a table of contents to the opening post so hopefully it will be easier to find each installment amidst all the comments and discussion.

I see I was being terribly unclear there. I knew about the ranking, I meant to say that perhaps an idea for a new custom title would appear in the story.

Ooh, I understand now! I'll have to think about what I can do for this.

Eldorion wrote:Ooh, I understand now! I'll have to think about what I can do for this.

Yeah! That's the spirit!

Eldorion wrote:

Amarië wrote:((Then I walked into the refugee conversation and quietly left, thinking I didn't need to read the things that were said in (semi) private back then, and that the natives would probably feel I was snooping around. (Even if it was an accident.) Such sad times it was. ))

I seriously considered deleting that thread once we had established this forum since it contains a lot of things that were said in the heat of passion. We were all feeling pretty confused and betrayed and more than a little angry, and I realize we weren't entirely fair to the DP especially since Taz was the only one who even knew about the buyout. In the end I decided to leave it up as part of Forumshire's history, though, even though I knew people might see it. I don't think it's worth trying to cover up stuff from darker times.

NB I'm glad people seem to be reading and enjoying my site still.

Maybe I should go back and see what was said. My memory was that My annoyance was directed at Taz for the 'manner' in which the Hobbit News Forum was taken over without warning, such 'manner' being damn rude methinks. As to any comments made about the Planet Tolkien forumers, I may have seemed intolerant at any defence made of Taz by any at the time, but everything else was joking on my part --- which I guess might have seemed like I blamed them for the corporate takeover. I don't blame the innocent - even if I might have 'jokingly' suggested Dark Planetarians were Taz's evil foot soldiers or similar. I remember being strong in debate about any "hint" of 'Taz-protecting'. Probably, me being me, humour and seriousness might easily have come across as being the same thing, and weighed in your minds to the negative. That I can readily conjecture - seeing what dire evil subsequently befell me (and Pretty).

I actually started posting on Dartk Planet - even contributed a poem , which by then, was me (nearly 100%) 'taking the Mickey' as I remember. Again, for the "Orwell" unitiated, it probably might have be easily misconstrued. Fair enough. I got banned along with Pretty for my temerity - the irony being Pretty and I were becoming lusty posters there. Pretty can speak for herself, but I don't recall her ever blaming any Planet Tolkien forumer 'personally', no one but Taz. She of course deserved to be banned anyway, Odo tells me. He also thinks all Tyrants and Mctyrants should be banished from Forumshire too, but that's an altogether different matter.

Taz made some redress by giving Eldo back our "Archive". I acknowledged that, with reasonable grace I thought. I may have even suggested (or at least 'thought) that Taz had been guilty of a bit of 'thoughtlessness' rather than outrageous "corporate ignorance'. I never thought folk who own something have no right to sell something. That was never my beef. If we had been 'consumed' with fair warning, I would have been sad but taken it far better.

The only problems I may have had with the Dark Council {{{hee hee - good one that one: ''Dark Council" hee hee }}} was my suspicion that it was Them that banned me. I even suggested the possibility leelee may have had a hand in that -- which she denied and I accepted her denial --- it's a question I asked of her and apologize unreservably for ever making, I might not of have done so at the time, can't remember, but I remember being pissed off (and very amused too in the way is was accomplished btw ). Actually I don't think I apologized at the time, so sorry, leelee.

Eldo, you were wise not to delete the "offending" posts, very very wise -- I would have really really been pissed off with you if you had. It'd be no way to start a new country of Free Spirits, you know, by deleting people's heart felt posts!!! I'm glad Wisdom and 'sense' always wins out with you. It may have been enough for me to abandon ship.

Incidentally, Petty and I had a recent conversation about deleting 'offending' posts if it ever came up, but we agreed it'd have to be a fairly outrageous post for me (or him) to ever sanction any deletions here. Even if that means folk might feel hurt here at times, bad luck, diddums. It may sound nasty of me to put it that way, but it's not when Logic is engaged I reckon. If a post was ever to be bad enough, though, I'd be in full support of any deletion. And if someone came here who was "militantly" intolerant of people's Race, Religion or Sexulaity -- and I mean 'extremely intolerant and personally offensive about it' I'd be all for banning such scum or utter aresholes. Forumshirans are not required to agree with everyone and everything, nor be Politicall Correcty (far from it ) but there is still a definite, largely 'unsaid', code of conduct here. Yes, we do have written Rules, but I certainly don't bother about them. Decent people don't need Laws to act properly - only Criminals do, and that only so I can semi-legally beat them with a phone book--- (ooh sorry, I thought I was at work for a second then... ) All said and done, we self-regulate very well here.

Anyhow, Amarie, nowadays I see Dark Planet and the Dark Council as Forumshire's Dark Enemy - but it's natural, like the English disdaining and doubting the French, or Danes looking down their noses at Fjordianlandians {{{and correctly so, methinks. }}}. I sometimes go and visit it's Dark Streets and try not to be too weighed down by it's Dark Atmosphere; and I do feel for it's Poor Lost Souls, who through loyalty to their homeland stay there, and for no other good reason that I can divine {{{hee hee ten points for Gryfindor! }}} In a way you're a bit like Scotshobbits, those poor hobbits having to stay in Scotshobbitland. My deepest sadness is reserved, of course, for the inhabitants of Scotshobbiton, capital of the rural district of Scotsdale in the Hebrides--- Umm...does anyone else have as much difficulty with Scotshobbitland geography as I do?

Anyway, I hope that clears things up, Amarie.

{{{And Eldo, if you say I'm being 'pompous', I'm complaining immediately to the Admin. I am! Don't put me to the test! }}}

I'm glad I never did anything to make you want to leave, Orwell! That was not my intent in even thinking about it. Forumshire just wouldn't be the same without you! I can tell you have very strong feelings about this sort of thing, though. It seems altogether very serious and not a Creative Corner-y post, not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that.

You could move the last few posts to the Dark Planet Thread if you like, "Lest We Forget." {{{ }}}

Yes, I do have an "Ethical" view on things, and in Forumshire folk have a right to agree or disagree with it. Long may that Freedom Live! Hurrah!

I thought the phonebook thing was just an urban myth? obviously not then. jeepers. I wont be getting cheeky again with officer Orwell again in a hurry. Then again it is quite a long way to Ozhobbitlandia.

Talking of Occifers wheres DI Eldo and Sarge Herring?

Phonebooks? Oh Sweet Eru munch me Mudder's crumpit.... No, no, and NO - that's a joke, Mrs Figg. {{{It was by all accounts not an Urban Myth btw, though if true was well before my time!}}}

Ozhobbitlandia - now, don't go making up words, Mrs Figg, you naughty woman-hobbit you... It's "Ozhobbitstan" and you knowit. Now, Mrs Figg, a word of advice: it is very improper for folk to go making fun of the names (or languages) of foreign folk. I would NEVER do that of course. What next? Will you be translating the native Ozhobbitstanian Language, and you not, surely, knowing a single dot or crossed 't' of it? That wold be both silly and rude, methinks! Please behave! {{{ Of course, I can't really be cross with you, my love, and you know it, you little minx you.... }}}

Yeah, and you're right about DI Eldo and Sergeant Herring. Where the f#$k are they?

Orwell wrote:(...)

Yeah, and you're right about DI Eldo and Sergeant Herring. Where the f#$k are they?

*snicker* Where the fisk is Sergent Herring... Heehee...

I wondered what that word was... Is a 'fisk' some kind of herring, Amarie?

Herring is a kind of fisk.

Amarië wrote:Herring is a kind of fisk.

Do like that one.

Wisey has put your 'fisk' to channelling btw. See Wholesome Tales Thread.

The Mystery of Mister Figg

Part 2


Forumshire had only a few ports. They had been hastily constructed during the migration but were gradually expanded and improved in the years since. The oldest and largest port was Admunholm. This was the spot at which the Glorious Admin had led the refugees of legend to their promised land. Presently, Admunholm was inhabited mostly by seafarers and the few Forumshiran merchants whose business extended across borders.

Most Forumhobbits were happy to to mind their own business and were mostly self-sufficient, but some of them traveled and traded with other peoples across the sea. Soon enough, the flag of Forumshire flew proud on ships from Skattykatzenfjord to Ozhobbitstan.

Unfortunately, the result of this boom in sea trade was a corresponding boom in piracy. Perhaps buoyed by the Admin's Free Spirit's policy, many sailors of the unsavory type frequented the pubs and markets of Admunholm. All tried to emulate the fiercest of all pirates, the legendary Captain Orwell McOdo.

Orwell had been a pillager for decades and became so fabulously wealthy that he eventually retired to his own private island in the Caribbean. He passed on his business to his soon, Orwell McOdo II, who was almost as fierce and legendary as the original. Orwell II expanded the family business and amassed a fortune to rival that of his father.

The present-day Captain, being the third of his name, had yet to gain his fortune. In fact, Orwell McOdo III was so timid and ineffectual in comparison to his father and grandfather that he was commonly known by other pirates as Lil 'Welly, though they were considerate enough to not say this to his face. Despite Orwell III's best efforts, the McOdo name still commanded a measure of respect in certain circles.


“Are we there yet?” grumbled Sgt. Herring. The strench of rotting fish and unwashed Hobbit emanated from every building they passed, inhabited or otherwise, and was quite overwhelming.

“Nearly,” said DI Eldo. “Captain Orwell's ship will be docked at the pier closest to the mouth of Admunholm Bay. It used to be set aside as a sign of respect for the mightiest sailors in Forumshire.”

“Used to be?” said Sgt. Herring.

“Well, these days it's more commonly said to be set aside for the Captain with the most disproportionately skilled parents, but that's neither here nor there.” The DI coughed. “I have it on solid advice that Orwell is as fine a sea captain is to be found in this land.”

“Wonderful,” said Sgt. Herring, rolling his eyes. “I bet this Orwell character wouldn't last one night during a Fjordlandian storm. We have real sailors up there.”

“That's what you get for living in a glacial wasteland where it is impossible to travel by land,” said DI Eldo a little snappily. The smell was getting to him as well and he didn't like being second-guessed in front of their foreign guest.

Agent Nora had, however, remained silent for the most part. She seemed content to observe and listen to the Forumshiran policehobbits. Occasionally she would write in what appeared to be a journal or ask a question about their investigations in Needlehole, but all in all she didn't seem to be one for small talk.

“Aha, here we are, just as I said!” said DI Eldo, gesturing at the splendid-looking three-mast ship in front of them. All manner of sea-Hobbits were running about the deck, apparently preparing to set sail. DI Eldo hailed the nearest sailor and asked to speak to the captain. Soon, a luxuriously-dressed Hobbit in an oversized sea captain's hat came down one of the walkways off the ship.

“Hello, Captain Orwell McOdo III?” asked DI Eldo. “I am Detective Inspector Eldorion of Needlehole, I was referred to your service by Odo Banks. I believe you know him.”

“Yes, of course!” Captain Orwell said grandly. “Detective Inspector, how good to meet you. And your companions! It is my pleasure, Ms … ?” He leaned down to kiss Agent Nora's hand.

“Agent Nora Herring of Bree-land,” she said in a tone indicating that she was unimpressed. “Can this wooden cow of yours actually sail? I've seen barns that are smaller.”

Orwell looked hurt. “Of course she can float, Madam! She'll do better than that. This is the Sweet Louise of Saint Trapeze, ship of my father and grandfather, famed and feared across the seven seas!”

Agent Nora stared at the ship for a moment before turning to Orwell with a fiery glare. “I know that name!” she said with some vitriol. “The Sweet Louise of Saint Trapeze? I didn't recognize your name at first but I do now, Orwell McOdo! You're that Dane-befriending stealer of Fjordlandian women, aren't you?” She stepped forward and pointed at the captain fiercely.

Shock and fear flitted over Orwell's face and he backed away quickly. “No, no, you must be confused!” he said in a panic. It's my grandfather who stole women from all sorts of countries (not just Fjordlandia). And quite a tidy profit he made from it too!” For a second Orwell's gleeful, self-satisfied expression returned, but only for a second. “Alas, my biggest money-maker is bringing whale oil to Scotshobbiton in the winter.”

“Let's be fair, hunting whales is pretty badass,” said Sgt. Herring. “And it might be a primitive, barbaric thing to do, but at least it's better than kidnapping, so no need to be ashamed!”

“Hunting whales?” said Orwell incredulously. “Surely you can't be serious.” He laughed nervously. “No, I just pick up the oil and then sail to its destination. All very ho-hum but it pays the bills, you know? We can't all be heroes,” he finished dramatically.

Agent Nora snorted. “You're an idiot,” she said. “There has to be someone else who can take us to Bree-land,” she continued, turning to the DI. “No way is this idiot the only one.”

“Sure, if you want to pay through the nose for a ferry ticket,” said DI Eldo shrugging. “But Odo said that he was sure Orwell would give us a very reasonable discount.”

“What?!” spluttered Orwell. “Why on earth would he say such a preposterous thing?”

“Something about us being police and you not wanting us to search the hold,” said DI Eldo with a smug grin. He stepped forward and whispered in the captain's ear. Sgt. Herring and Agent Nora watched with interest as the color drained from Orwell's face and he began to tremble violently.

“All right! All right!” he cried. “You can come along half-off.” He blanched at the DI's stare. “75% off and that's my final offer!” he said clinging to the scraps of his dignity.

“Done,” said DI Eldo. They shook hands. “Take us aboard, captain. I trust you have some food without maggots.”


The crew of the Sweet Louise of Saint Trapeze was almost ready to set sail before the policehobbits arrived, so they were very soon casting off from the docks of Admunholm. “I believe the lovely lady said you were going to Bree-land,” said Captain Orwell with a flirtatious wink to Nora. He had briefly retired to his cabin and when he emerged seemed to have regained most of his swagger and ego.

Nora glared at the captain and muttered “You're an idiot.” She patted the pocket crossbow at her belt. Orwell seemed not to take the warning and began to prattle on about his numerous adventures before DI Eldo cut in.

“Yes, Bree-land!” he said loudly. “I assume you've sailed there before.”

“I've sailed everywhere and I can take you anywhere,” said Orwell with a hint of disappointment as Agent Nora stalked away. “Except the Dark Planet, that is,” he finished hurriedly.

“Why not the Dark Planet?” asked Sgt. Herring, who had wandered over.

“I was banished from there,” whined Orwell. “Forbidden from ever returning by the horrid evil tyrant Dark Lord Taz.”

“What did you do?” said Sgt. Herring with little sympathy for the dandy.

“I may have called Taz a dirty evil tyrant in public,” said Orwell without a trace of embarrassment. “And also the Dark Council that rules the Dark Planet, and some of their citizens. They said I was distributing libelous pamphlets too but that was actually Pretty Tyrant and the Daily Purist.”

“Mmhm,” said Sgt. Herring, unconvinced. “That's all?”

“I know!” said Orwell. “Apparently that's worth banishment. Can't you see the injustice of it?”

“Of course we can,” said a bored DI Eldo. “Who wouldn't be horrified at the thought of being unable to suffer under the thumb of a dictator? How long does it take to reach Bree-land?”

“About two days, if the wind is at your back,” said Orwell. “Fortunately for us the wind from the western sea is quite strong now so we'll make good time.”

“Excellent,” said the DI. “Our business shouldn't take more than a day. Would you be able to stick around and bring us back as well?”

Orwell looked uncomfortable. “Er, I'm afraid I can't really do that,” he mumbled. Clearing his throat, he continued. “Lots to do, you know. Spring will be here soon and I can't fall behind on my shipments or the competition will bury me.”

“I understand. We'll find some other ship to bring us home,” said DI Eldo. Orwell nodded and hurried off without another word. “What a strange Hobbit,” mused DI Eldo. “So pompous.”


The Sweet Louise of Saint Trapeze made landfall at Bree-land early in the morning after two nights at sea. Orwell fidgeted incessantly while the ship was in the Bree-land harbor and hurried his passengers off the ship as quickly as possible.

“Safe travels!” Sgt. Herring called to the ship as it pulled away from the dock.

“What an idiot that Orwell was,” said Agent Nora. “It's so good to be back home!”

“Where to now, then?” asked DI Eldo.

“To the headquarters of Bree-land Intelligence,” said Agent Nora. “We're ahead of schedule but there's no sense in squandering that time. You can do all the touristy crap later.”

“Great, I've been itching to be debriefed,” snickered Sgt. Herring.

Agent Nora cast him a disapproving glance. “I may be fairly laid-back, as you Forumhobbit types tend to be, but at least try to act professional when you're talking to my boss, would you?”

“Of course,” said DI Eldo. “We're all professionals here. Lead the way.”

Oh that was brilliant!

Great! love it! love the little bit of tension tere xD :I

If I wasn't debillitated by laughter just now, and if this wasn't obviously some alternate Forumshire (I am, of course, the Seventh of my line in THIS Foumshire! ), I'd have to kill you, Eldorion! I would!


{{{Petty, I fear young Eldo has borrowed some of my methods, improved on them dramatically, then added his own fresh and bubbling ideas; in fact, he has left me to eat his dust... I think it's time you were Admin and young Eldo was dealt with once and for all... You bring your Scotsclobberer and I'll bring the sack... }}}

Thats what you get for leading by example Orwell- you should take a leaf out the Tyrant book and remain firmly at the back.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:Thats what you get for leading by example Orwell- you should take a leaf out the Tyrant book and remain firmly at the back.

I don't mind having an 'ínfluence'- but does he have to surpass me so effortlessly? It's an outrage!

Anon Author (not Orwell).

I can read through all this confusion! Orwell - you're the Anon Author aren't you! I knew it!

No, I deny it - fervently!

Oh if you say so, you can't be. My apologies, Orwell. That clears things up.

Agent Nora should get her own spin-off series.