The Rings of Power Post-watch Discussion (Spoilers)

Yes, technically and dramatically speaking. There are depths to the horror of crappy television unimaginable to a sane mind.

Oh, I've seen "Father Knows Best", and I assume you are referring to scripted television - for "reality" TV is a couple chasms deeper still.

Episode...5? Episode 5 tonight! Steel your resolves against these forthcoming desecrations!!!

It's so bad. Holy shit.

On one hand I am very grateful for this thread and the reviews so I don't feel any need to watch for any reason, sense of duty or curiosty.

On the other hand... DON'T DO IT! SAVE YOURSELF! FLEE!

Worst part of the episode:

The elves are going to fade away and die within a year, as shown by one of the trees in Lindon being covered in corruption. Why? Who fucking knows.
TO COMBAT THIS, Gil-galad sent Elrond to help Celebrimbor with his forge-building project entirely for the purpose of getting mithril from the dwarves so as to make a TON of stuff out of mithril and keep it near all the elves. Mithril, in this show, was created in such a way that it contains some of the light of the silmarils in it, and this light is going to keep the elves from fading and dying.
How did Gil-galad know that the dwarves had found mithril? No fucking clue.
Why are the elves going to die now? I have no idea.
Why are the elves all duplicitous cunts in this show? No idea.

These writers are absolute hacks and are butchering Elven culture.

They're clearly trying to create some desperate need for the rings of power to be created. This is such a small-minded and STUPID idea though. It ignores things like AMBITION, GREED, A DESIRE FOR MASTERY OF ONE'S SKILLS, THE ELVEN INSTINCT TO PRESERVE AND PROTECT, ETC. ETC. ETC. and dumbs it all down to "Oh nooooo the elves are all going to die we have to save them with magic rings!"

How absolutely boring does a person have to be, how utterly incompetent as a story-teller, to think that this is a good idea. What shallow-minded buffoonery. What drunken idiocy. What tedious reductionist garbage. What lowest common denominator spoon-fed slop.

And yeah, there's about 10 minutes that I kinda liked at the beginning of the episode. (Involving the midgets on their journey.*) But is that going to keep me from speaking my mind about the horrors that followed after?

*Even those 10 minutes were chock full of silliness: not-Gandalf learning to speak still, the other midgets nowhere to be seen after seemingly abandoning their slowest two carts, this family of midgets traversing seemingly hundreds of miles of territory in their journey, etc.

I mean really, they jump across geographical features like they're taking helicopters. One scene they're in grasslands that look like LotR-Rohan, the next in a swamp, the next in some Greenland-looking dark sand expanse, the next in the dead woods from the end of the Two Towers.

Will watch it tonight. I've decided I can grit my teeth and hang on until we finally meet Sauron and the Rings are forged. Maybe. I don't know if I have the fortitude.

We met Sauron in episode 2. It's Halbrand.

And the rings aren't being forged this season btw, not at this pace.

{{ As usual I'll be watching tomorrow after work and reviewing afterwards, I'll avoid Forests posts above till then- but from what I have seen of them as I scrolled past I think Im going to need a monumental amount of buckie for this one to contain the crabbit! }}

I don't see why Halbrand is Sauron. Sure he comes from the land that will be mordor, but that's not enough.

{{ If hes not they are certainly setting him up to look like he is- he is charming and seeming friendly, but is brutal when he fights the guards, the advise he gives Galadriel in prison is how to manipulate someone, and gets in with Pharazon by betraying Galadriel and telling him where she is going (even though its obvious anyway) and gets freed from prison as a result.
If your expecting the rise of Sauron in ME and his 'surrender' to Numenor I think youll wait a long time Halfy. I dont think we will get that story. }}

Hohoho

He's tall.
He's a smith.
He really wants to forge stuff.
He's martially capable.
Galadriel has a crush on him because he's a bad boy. (The ultimate bad boy left in ME)
He "goes by many names".
He is good at convincing others.
He took that pouch "off a dead man". (Yeah he bloody well killed the man!)
He has a violent, prideful streak that he must master in order not to slay the impudent mortals around him.
The writers are drooling imbeciles.

What other arguments do you need?

In season 2 he'll be in Middle-earth and helping with the rings. Mark my words.

{{ If I had to guess where this shitshow is going Id say he goes to ME appears to reunite people, kick out the orcs and so gets in with everyone, thus being in position to getting in on the Rings forging and then be revealed as Sauron, and the whole time up till then Galadriel will have been championing him and that will be her humbling and her turn from hot headed person to wisdom. Yeah its fucking awful, but what would you expect from this by now?}}

Forest Shepherd wrote:
He's tall.
He's a smith.
He really wants to forge stuff.
He's martially capable.
Galadriel has a crush on him because he's a bad boy. (The ultimate bad boy left in ME)
He "goes by many names".
He is good at convincing others.
He took that pouch "off a dead man". (Yeah he bloody well killed the man!)
He has a violent, prideful streak that he must master in order not to slay the impudent mortals around him.
The writers are drooling imbeciles.

You put your strongest argument last and in the chief place.  Yet I remain unconvinced.   A proper Sauron would have no reason to be floating about on a wrecked raft.  I don't see him leaving things to chance....but then all such complaints can refer to your last point.

The hell is this shite about mithril??! The elves were all gonna keel over in a year? I had no idea Tolkien was holding so much back from us. Morgoth was nobbut a walking party in comparison.

I thought those boats were supposed to carry 100 men each; can't possibly carry more than 30, 40 tops. So we've got about 2 busloads of Numenorians descending on the whole of middle earth - yep, that will put the fear of Eru in them orcs, it will.

The only part I actually enjoyed was the Galaddy fight training. Sure, you had to first forget this was supposed to be Galadriel, but she did move just like you'd expect of an elf: absolute economy of movement. Fairly well choreographed.

They were using UNBLUNTED METAL BLADES FOR SPARRING with neither padding nor armour. That detail had me yelling at the screen.


Speaking of the ships, you can cram a lot of people into one of them, but they do look too small for a hundred. The more ludicrous factor is that, going by the trailers, those ships also contain a large number of horses.

{{ Apologies for this being late but I had to drink so much buckie just to make it through this episode I passed out into a blissful blackness afterwards. Sadly I woke up again and have had to drink considerably more to even face reviewing the bloody thing, its that bad.
I almost don't know how to put my full crabbit into words here. Someone remind me again whose work it is they are supposed to be adapting, or even basing this trash on? Not a single idea, not a single line, not a single concept, not a single piece of lore or action comes from Tolkien. Its appalling in every single aspect.

This opens with the Harfoots and might be Gandalf, who for some reason is helping pull the cart by pushing it from behind while the Hobbits, sorry Harfoots pull at the front. How does that work? He's so much bigger and stronger if he actually pushes it he'll run them over at the front, why isnt he pulling the cart which would make sense? Why does their migration route, a route along which they have to haul and pull wagons go through a swamp, not round it, not over causeways or anything, but right into the bog in the water and mud. No one would go that route pulling heavy wagons, its suicidal.
Then they get attacked by, things. I don't know what they are, they neither look like the Lion King hyena that passed for a warg earlier, nor do they look anything like wolves, so guess they just made them up? Anyhow not Gandalf chucks them about and slams his hand into the ground and sends them flying, then gets a sore arm then sticks it in a pool and freezes it, then Nori touches the frozen icy arm for no sane reason and it starts to freeze her, then she breaks away and runsoff afraid. And thats your meteor man mystery box for this episode- oh and there is a terrible song played over a montage of their travels which also make no sense, god knows where the places are they show on the map they aren't on Tolkiens maps which they only show in close up here so you cant see where these travels are taking them in relation to the geography if ME- this it seems is deliberate as they've just made up a lot of map locations to fit with nice scenery round NZ. Nor does it show how far apart they are, or how long its taking for them to travel between places - we get no indication. And in fact none of the time lines seem to be running in synch- the Harfoots seem to have travelled half of ME judging by the variety of environments we see them pass through in the montage meanwhile on Numenor its being few days at most and at the tower it seems like a few hours since we last saw them. How long is supposed to be passing here? If all these disparate story lines are going to converge at some point it might be useful to have some grasp of when things are happening in relation to each other, but its impossible to work that out as every story line seems to operate on its own time frame independent of the others. Its a hot mess.
Oh and top of that they are still cribbing and rewording lines from PJ's version- when the Harfoots enter a not very spooky but meant to be spooky forest Poppy says “What madness made them go this way?” ripping off Gimli's line about Fangorn “What madness drove them in there?” Its all so utterly painful to watch and listen too. But the worst thing about that line is that its there purely as a callback, it has no meaning in this context. Merry and Pippin had a reason to be driven into Fangorn but this is supposed to be their migration route so presumably this is how they normally go, and if its not their normal route then when we see the rest of the Harfoots there is no indication at all they have changed their route or were driven by any madness or anything else into this wood. Its an utterly meaningless line here with no purpose or explanation beyond 'ooh Gimli said that remember?'

Back on Numenor the plot, dialogue and costumes just keep getting worse. But basically- you know how at end of last episode Guyladirel had convinced Numenor to go to war in defence of the Southlands? Well thats where this episode ends too. Yeah in terms of actually moving anything forward it just doesn't, instead we get Isildur, sorry Isi, or Sil or any of the other names his friends seem to call him, having teenage angst with his daddy problems and wanting to go to war. Also whats all the crap about him going west, or wanting to? Why does Elendil not say “noone can go west, we are banned from sailing that way further than sight of our own shores” but no apparently  no one really cares he wants to go West, and why does he want to go west? They've never told us? Does he know about Valinor is that where he wants to go? If so why? How?
Anyway he gets back into his fathers good gracious after saving Pharazons son who was trying to blow up Numenors ships so stop them going to ME, because he doesn't like taking orders from an elf.
Pharazon however sees an opportunity for tribute, forests to fell for wood and general exploiting the southlands- which is fine, if it had happened you knows hundreds of years earlier, but this Numenor has no ME colonies, has no empire there, and hasn't been there in centuries. So again what are all their ships for we see a harbour full of war ships but they arent allowed to go West (assuming the ban even exists in this) and they dont sail east to ME, so where do they sail? What do they have a fleet for? A fleet of fishing vessels would make sense for this place, but warships? For a nation that never been to war, never conquered and never sailed anywhere thats not their own island. Nothing makes sense.
And talking of which if Numenor have not been to ME why where the Harfoots are do they find the remains of huge stone statues, very reminiscent of those we saw in the LotR's films- but they were the remnants of Numenors rule on ME, so where did these ruins come from? Who built them? How? And if Numenor is only going to ME now, for the first time and Pharazon only now intends to exploit ME then are we too believe they are going to build all their ports, all their cities, the Argonath and everything else, as well as subdue and turn from friends of ME to rulers and tyrants of it all in what a few years now?

Oh and Halfy I can only assume if you found the Guyladriel training the soldiers to fight scene good this episode must have turned your brain to mush by this point, its the only explanation. Its one of the worst scenes yet. Its smug, its ludicrous, its insulting to Numenoreons who apparently dont know how to stab someone with a sword and seems to be just there to show just how marvellous and far better than mere men or mortals or anyone else smug Guyladriel is.
We should be seeing Nuneor at the height of its powers and military might, a force so great and strong Sauron will capitulate before it rather than face it in arms. These guys cant hold a sword and they only send three ships. Its pathetic looking, it makes Numenor seem pathetic too and Guyladriels besting half a dozen Numenoreon soldier, simultaneously is just utter fucking shite. Hafly check yourself into a doctor, you may have an Amazon induced brain tumour if this was a good scene for you!
And at the end when she boards the ship for ME she is back in her full armour from ep 1- you know the armour she 100% did not have on when she leapt off the boat and swam to Numenor- where did it come from? Is Amazon not only making this but also put an in-world eagle Amazon delivery services, get your armour now and sign onto Prime for next day delivery to Numenor?
My head hurts so much watching this pile of steaming shite.

The southland plot is no better- no experience lifting so much as a butter knife woman whose so dull I cant recall her name is rallying her people with the shortest worst rallying speech ever, and old Sauron worshipping bloke disagrees and thinks they should join the bad guys and persuades a bunch of them to do that- but when they get there he mistakes corrupt elf bloke for Sauron, but pledges allegiance to him anyway and then murders a boy to prove his worth in front of all the people he just persuaded this was a good idea. What do all those people think of this? Are they still keen to join the bad guys? No idea, we get no reaction and next we see of the bad guys they are marching out to attack the watchtower, so guess everyone is fine with murdering their own children then?

And elf guy continues to be like my last buckie bottle, utterly empty and devoid of content. My empty buckie bottle also has better acting skills and a wider emotional range. The problem with him is not he's a black elf, dumb as that is within the lore, but that he is utterly devoid of anything interesting or anything to care about with him. He's dull. Super dull. And worse, largely pointless- I mean what has he done in this story so far? - found out the orcs were coming- we knew that already as woman and boy discovered that. Found out they are led by a corrupt elf? We find that out without him too. He wasn't involved in any meaningful way in convincing people to fight, that was bland woman. He's totally devoid of a purpose, or a point. The most interesting thing about him is he is in love with a mortal women, which apart from at the start has never come back up or had any development at all and his aforementioned acting range of a wooden table makes it even worse than the shit show it already is.
And bland boy and his magic a sword? Its not a sword, they fooled us! Its a key to um something, though I'm still unclear on why that conclusion was reached after finding a statue- and was that statue not in the same place the elves have been for the last few hundred years- and they never noticed it before now? What they do with mystery boxes in this series is not give clues, or let the viewer work it out, or do something clever to surprise, they just set up a mystery, don't answer it and instead just throw another mystery on top of it. That is not how to do a mystery box story or how to make it interesting, its just annoying and cheap writing.

The worst I save for last, and this was the stuff drove me to buckie reserves and oblivion- the elves are dying because apparently Illuvatar creating them as his First Born and all that entails and their immortality isnt a thing any more. Nope they are all dying off or have to leave ME because they need the light from the two trees to survive. What the fuck Amazon?! And if that wasn't bad enough we get a terrible made up tale about a tree that the last of the Silmaril was hidden in, growing on top of a mountain where an unnamed 'pure' elf is battling wills with a Balrog to infect the tree with either light or darkness, and then the tree gets destroyed and its roots make mithril veins under the mountain (wouldn't the veins be near the top then?- why am I even thinking about this is so fucking stupid) and mithril therefore contains somehow the light of the two trees via the silmaril via the tree, via its roots. Got that? And Elronds whole thing to the dwarves was really a covert way to get mithril to save elf kind by imbuing every elf with the light from mithril- what they going to inject mithril ? !! Someone kill me! No better still someone kill the writers of this abysmal pile of horse shite, and thats a disservice to horse shite which is actually quite useful stuff and full of life- neither of which you can say about this car crash of a tv series.

This is appalling stuff, really appalling. It doesn't even qualify as fan fiction, fan fiction is better than this and has more care put into it to try to make it feel like it belongs in the imagined world. This belongs shoved back where it began up the writers and Amazons arse with the rest of the shit.

I cannot stress enough how crabbit inducing, how painful to watch how unbearable to listen to how god awful this episode is in every conceivable way- even the armour in a multi billion production looks like fibre glass and plastic, is impractical and doesn't fit most of he cast- there is not a single good thing in this episode, nothing.

I'm close to done. I am struggling here, really struggling to endure more of this even for the sake of reviewing it here and passing on the warning to others to not watch this, give Amazon not a penny- if you must watch it download it illegally, some things are worth breaking the law for and making sure Amazon never profits from this abuse of the name and legacy of Tolkien's work is one of them. }}}

What I liked about the fight scene was they showed how an elf would be a different fighter than a man. Everything else about it was eye-rollingly stupid, yet that one scrap of intelligence made it stand out from the dung heap.

{{ What that an elf would be undefeatable in any battle by anyone or anything? - seeing as she can not only fight off several people at once, but also when they are attacking her form all sides at once, but that doesnt even cause her to break a sweat, reminds me of the swordfight in Princess Bride- (from 3.40) but with much poorer choerography, no character development or witty dialogue and Galadriel's fight is not meant to be funny, but is due to it supposedly being serious. I dont know how anyone is supposed to take any of this seriously.



Wish theyd taken inspiration from a different film, Indiana Jones and just had someone look at her swordplay shake their head sadly, pull out a crossbow and just shoot her. }}

It sounds about as boring as waiting in a dentist reception room when you know he is running late and you have another bum-numbing hour to wait.

{{ Sitting at the dentists with multiple abscess' would still be less painful than watching what theyve done to Tolkiens legacy }}