Howdy from Needlehole

Zatz nut u reel agsent, Mizta Tyreant! Iz youse makkin fun orfme?

"Och beware the bonny kneed Scotshobbit,
'e oo sticks his tongue in cheek,
He walks around and says ées Robert,
When wiser folk know he's Pete!"

"Peter Burns - The Poet's Bastard Brother: Collected Works."

Wise Odo

Wisey!! I knew a song or two wid bring you back oot the wood work. Huve sum buckie, or sum duckie, or whitever yon mucky stuff in that vase is- its noo bad wance yi strain it.

How, how aboot, anather wee song o' hame! An ol' pastime o mine frae whin a wiz a hobbit teenager, still keep it up.

Tossing ma caber! Tossing ma caber!
It is say vury healing.
If gies yi a stir
Oh whit a feeling!

If you kin git yir caber upright
it will make yi feel say proud
it will make yir face go white
as yi cast upon the ground.

Up it goes, up an awa'
how good can you toss?
Can you toss caber at aw?
Theres nae time fir a pause.

Tossing ma caber! Tossing ma caber!
It is say vury healing.
If gies yi a stir
Oh whit a feeling!

Flip it, twist, wi a firm grip,
the caber tossers way
jist make sure yir hands dinae slip
or yir caber disnae git laid.

Fir to win yir caber must be straight,
straight doon the line, properly placed
it must lie perfectly wi its mate
or it'll come back on yi and be a waste!

Tossing ma caber! Tossing ma caber!
It is say vury healing.
If gies yi a stir
Oh whit a feeling!

What happened? ...... Where am I? owwwwww! me back! Let me see.. if I just shuffle a bit to me left and slowly

Well at least I'm not upside down anymore... Now to find the aspirin

How did all these people get in here? Squach did you have a party while I was Asleep? WHose this kilted fellow passed out on the sofa? and ... goodness is that two sherrifs I see...... what did you get up to yesterday?

nevermnid that now.. Aspirin.... SQUACH HAVE YOU SEEN THE STATE OF MY KITCHEN! SQUACH!......What do you mean I invited them? ....when?........what?....... um......um....um......


sorry I'll just get on with cleaning up then shall I?

"It's not proper! It's not nice!
When ladies hit the spice!

It's not snappy! It's not happy!
When a lass is feeling crappy!

Avoid the juice! I deduce!
The juice can make you loose!

Stay consious! Little bombshell!
Who knows what you'll do - Oh well,

Be yourself! Sink the sauce!
Let wantoness sails it's course!

But Kafria don't whimper or wail,
When folk go tell the tale!"

From "The Tale of the Admonitory Finger Pointed at a Spectable* Woman: Chaucer."

Wise Odo

*"Spectable" as opposed to "Respectable."

"Zatz nut u reel agsent, Mizta Tyreant! Mad Iz youse makkin fun orfme"- Biffo

Never Biffo! That would not be respectable at all, what do you think of me? (Don't answer that). It's just that when the Buckie is in full flow I forget to translate my words for global consumption from TTP Scots into the Queens Hobbit English.
Dae yi ken whit A'm sayin' like?

knock knock

Hello........

I'll try next door

knock knock

Hello.......

Where is everyone? Needlehole looks like a ghost town? hmmmm must be quiz night down at the duck and pond.... or maybe there's a domino drive at the green dragon....... or maybe theres a special exhibition at the mathom house.......... can't be another party somewhere.....not after all the trouble the last one caused?

Hello..........

sound of retreating footsteps as this hobbit wends her way back to hobbiton!

"Oh tiptoe, tiptoe
so quiet here
the Bankses are out
the rushes rustle
like ghosts, I fear.
Where have they gone?
Well, don't get all twitchy,
They're out about,
All scratchéd and itchy,
Cutting rushes,
For thatching friends,
Some have to work ---
They don't live at Bag End!"

Emilio Estevez, from "Thoughts something less than vacuous - but not much less."

Wise Odo

Wisey old chum, you wouldn't know a hard days work if it came in to your hole disturbing a channeling session and drank all your tea and ate all your seedcake stash, before burping loudly, announicng itself as a hard days work and then leaving, shaking its head, at your total lack of recognition.
Its one of the things I have always admired about you.

That and I have it on good information from a mole (an actual mole, Steve, nice chap, bit short sighted) that NotP have a story saying you payed for Odo and family to go on holiday so you could use their hole to meet a young lady hobbit. I think there's going to be a scandolous piece about it in this Sundays paper. (Not that I'm in any way drumming business or trying to heighten intrest in this weekends issue or anything).

ODO BANKS: I DENY EVERYTHING - ALMOST!

Master Odo R. Banks, esquire, has gone on the Public Record as saying, "I deny everything." Though he does not deny he has found God. He said: "Illuvatar be Blessed - and it's about Time people realized that - or go down to a fiery damnation!!!" When asked if he had always felt so strongly about The Lord, Odo said: "I guess, what with my High Moral Standards, Lust for Truth and Urge to have more than one wife, like the Patriarchs, it was always likely I'd go the Whole Hog some day and FAll on my Knees in Worship of the Only True God - Bless Illuvatar."

The crew of this Respectable Journal, of course, can only sit back in Uttter Admiration of Master Banks and his Brave Decision to Come Out.

Mirabella Banks
Cub Reporter



TWELVE YEAR OLD WINED AND DINED
EDITORIAL COMMENT

I can only condemn the Parent and Friends of a TWELVE YEAR OLD GIRL reported to have wiped herself out on the sauce - and Very Heavy Sauce at that that! What kind of Age is this (certainly not the Fourth Age) when such goings on can go on, such carryings on can be carried on with, when such undiluted disslotution can be tolerated, and not tolerated, but encouraged!

I, of course, blame the Mother. Here is something that comes to mind regarding the Mother:

"It's not proper! It's not nice!
When ladies hit the spice!

It's not snappy! It's not happy!
When a lass is feeling crappy!

Avoid the juice! I deduce!
The juice can make you loose!

Stay consious! Little bombshell!
Who knows what you'll do - Oh well,

Be yourself! Sink the sauce!
Let wantoness sails it's course!

But Kafria don't whimper or wail,
When folk go tell the tale!"

I am not one to Lecture, but surely this old Needleholian High Church Proverb pertains:
"If the Mother staggers, so shall the Child stagger holding her hand and every other hand conjoined holding each one in a long skein of hands if there be more than one child or friends or other relatives!"

Odo Banks
Editor

I liked the old Odo who was the one who hosted that kind of party.

ODO BANKS DENIES EVER HOLDING UNRESPECTABLE PARTIES

Master Odo R,. BANKS has been quick to refute claims he ever held Unrespectable Parties.

"I have never held Unrespectable Parties. To suggest I ever have is a lie and a God Damned lie. Illuvatar (who Forgives everything) Knows that I was always the Victim of Circumstances, God (who forgives everything) knows that! Illuvatar be Blessed! Yay! Illuvatar, who forgives everything, including Former naughtiness and occasional lies. Everything is Forgiven, if One repents (I trust)."

While it appears True that Master Odo R. Banks may have on occasion Appeared to make a White Lie or Two, Appearances are not Everything, especially if one is Respectable and Loved by a Forgiving God.

Mirabella Banks
Cub Reporter

Maybe he's had a hit on the head or something. I've heard that make you go funny and see Gods and such like.
No problem, next time I see him I will just whack him with this spade of Biffo's and he'll be fine.
OOOo I think he's coming, one, two, three: "DONG!"
"Umm, Odo? Odo?"
Em, I wasn't here..........

(((((... struck by God....? struck... is that his scurrying footfall... off into the dark... my head hurts.... bless you Lord... I shall do your work at a harder pace yet....)))))

Dear Petty,

As to the scurrilous rumour circulating that I got my family out of the way so as to entertain a young lady - 'tis true, 'tis true. I got married and Odo allowed me to have his hiole for my delightful (cost effective Honeymoon). We kept it quiet, of course, more omantc that way, a bit like Arwen and Arragorn, but without the bridge. Porky Bunk is now my Dear Wife. I'm not sure if you've met her or not... Lovely girl.

Yours faithfully,
Wisey

Porgy, dear - that's Porgy.

Sorry love, I do apologise... I forgot in all the excitement...

Never mind... can you pass the Buckie...

I, um, well, I may have met her at a a party!
If its consolation I didn't know her name either. On seconds thoughts forget I said that last bit I don't think it helps.
She was quite keen on the buckie that night too, well aren't we all?

Porgy is with Wisey now? Is this a Banks love triangle?!

I don't know if Wisey has told Odo yet (I'd like to see that ). Still should please Primmy.


What you saying Biffo? What? No, no idea. Yeah its got quite a dent in it and your fingerprints all over it now, eh, oh nothing.

You people make me as angry as a dragon in a pinch! There was NEVER anything between Porgy and me except a bit of idol worship (on her part). Now, I no longer believe people should believe in idols, but back then it was quite respectable to worship me! I wish Wisey and Porgy well. They fell in love the first time they met. Both are inspired people: Wisey is Artistically Inspired and Porgy has always been inspired by... err... the Spirit... never mind... they love each other... Illuvatar be blessed! Love cures all... including alcoholism, I pray... (Perhaps you could look at Faith, Mr Tyrant. I'm planning on organizing some Meetings for Buckie imbibers... I'm trying to persuade Porgy to go... maybe Someone Else might consider coming. Here to help! - on behalf of Illuvatar, of course! )

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Bravo! Looking forward to it, Petty.

Well, for better or worse here's the latest issue. For some reason the delivery is missing the back page, so no sport. I am sure this is just a technical glitch and certainly not because the staff were all too drunk to finish he issue in time for publication. Oh no, certainly cannot be because of that. hic.

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