what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

I got so bored I swapped the wrappers of all the sweets in a box of celebrations - the wife’s not happy, she got her snickers in a twix.

{{ }}

Good one Chris

(now THAT joke I got)

So close to being a Far Side cartoon.

Today I'm starting diarrhoea awareness week... Runs until next Friday

Girlfriends just left me as she said I think more of football than her, gutted we’ve been going out together for three seasons

Someone has collapsed on the luggage carousel at Heathrow Airport... Medics at the scene report they are coming round slowly.

Your Duck is Dead
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Just got back from the snooker accessories shop.

You wouldn't believe the cues.

Aladdin has been banned from the magic carpet race.

He was found guilty of using performance enhancing rugs.

The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden... He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week

I've just been attacked by a little ginger boy doing martial arts... It turned out to be the carroty kid!

My mate gave me a tip for a horse called Landfill.

It came last.

It was a rubbish tip.

Somebody keeps dumping soil on my allotment in the middle of the night !
The plot thickens..

Came out of the pub the other night and some prick threw cheese at me........I thought thats mature!

Bought this new aftershave.......its called "breadcrumbs"......the birds love it!