The Changing of the Guard

oooooooooooooooooooo

It's my worst fear, Azzy. Ol'Anon (and me in other ways) are doing our best! Won't be the same without him, I know that much...

Off to bed now, with a heavy heart.

Chapter 16

Plots Emulsify


Azzy was in her bower with two goblins of the worst kind, doing things with them that don't come into this story, when Amarie swanned in looking like an empress in her new Nazgul Uniform.

"Azzy, I need to speak to you urgently," Amarie spoke directly. "Throw on some clothes and get rid of those goblins for the nonce."

Presently, with the goblins dismissed from their presence, and the handcuffs and ropes put neatly away in their large closet, and a nice cup of tea delivered by the cook and laid out with scones and cream and raspberry jam on Azzy's breakfast table by the window, Amarie began: "Do you know Julia has gone?"  

"Oh. What, down to the shops? Is that really that such an urgent thing to talk about...?"

"You don't understand, Azzy. I think she's gone off to meet Orwell in his hole in South Needlehole."

"Well, she'll be disappointed as usual then. Don't worry about her, she only wants him because he's an incredibly intractable poof and the challenge challenges her. Honestly, if ever she converted him, she'd lose interest immediately. Her actual preference is young, attractive, intelligent, virile men; none of which catergories is graced by Orwell's presence."  

"Ha! But that's where I think your wrong."

"Which catergory then? Nah... not possible..."

"No, no, that's all beyond dispute i grant you - the poor pathetic old poof. Ha! But here's the rub: I don't think he is quite the old poof we think he is."

"Oh? So what kind of old poof is he then?"

"Not a poof at all!"

Azriel looked up from siping her tea, and the look she gave Amarie said it all.

"Here me out! Here me out! I don't think Orwell is Gay at all, except sometimes in the old fashioned sense when he's admiring butterflies and all."

"So, let me get this straight, and pardon me for the pun; Orwell's not a raving homo? Let me see now: Orwell's favorite clothing is hotpants and crocheted singlets, he prances about like Kenny Everett only more prancy, and he spends a lot of time down at that school mentioned in an earlier chapter which Ol' Anon can't remember the name of just now, the one where all the Gay young hobbits are sent for specialist training by the local Eruvian Priesthood... So: cutting to the quick - what makes you think he's not Gay? He even lives in the Gay Expressionist quarter of South Needlehole! For Eru's sake! Have you, perchance, taken your pills today, Amarie?"

"Hear me out! I woke up with an intuition this morning and it has been clawig at my subconcious all day. Orwell ISN'T Gay!"  

Azzy frowned. "I assume that was a woman's intuition?"  

"Whenever I have man's intuition I discount it immediately."  

"I'd expect nothing else... Well, well, NOT Gay! My goodness!"

"Yes, and when I thought about it logically, I considered a few things I had not considered before."

"Go on," Azriel told her, in deep shock but trying to keep an even keel on things.

"Well, remember when he lived for a time in East Archet three years back."

"Yes - with all those Gay Impressionists. Yes, I always knew he liked his Gay Art..."

"No, no, no!" Amarie cried. "Once I started doing some inquiries this morning, I found out that Gay Impressionism was not about painting but about all male revues. Hardly any of those hobbits went on to become artists of the paint, no, they became artists of the boards! They're dancers and acrobats and burlesque singers. Every one of them except Orwell, who moved to South Needlehole to be with the Gay Expressionists, where he had more training of a slightly different kind, more character acting... I put out some feelers today and not one Gay in South Needlehole has ever bonked him, nor him they!"  

"Gays!" Azriel cried in even deeper surprise. "They are so open about things like that. If they say they haven't they haven't!"  

"Absolutely."  

"But all his prancing?"

"Yes, you would never know he wasn't a natural, but no, he is just a very perservering sort - incorrigible even."  

"And his embroidered hotpants?"

"Incorrigible!"

"But all that Gay Eruvian Schoolboy-watching?"

"What better way to clinch the idea he's Gay? And perversely so!"

"Wow! But why? Why?"  

"Well, he's got his own reasons. Think! All this stuff about him saying I came here wanting to take over Forumshire. Accusing me of subterfuge all these years. Why would he be so insistent? Why? Why? Why, because he's being playing his own waiting game, you see. And now that Petty has left, no one knows for how long, and Eldo is quite down and pulling back from Administrative side of things; well, there is only me, you and Julia realistically (at least, in this tale) standing in his way."

"In his way? In way of what?"

"Total domination! That's what!"

Dramatic music started playing in Aziel's head.

"So! He is intelligent after all!"  was Azriel's shocked outburst.  

"No, no - just slippery and persistent - low cunning - persistene - you know, your usual sociopathetic I-want-to-rule personality...  ... What? Hey! Don't look at me. I'm attractive, smart and virile. (And let's not worry too much just now about the young bit). That makes me a very attractive Dark Mistress and not a flabby old Dark Lord. They are completely different thing."

"So you think Julia has changed sides and has gone to him to plan our overthrow? Is that it?"

"Julia is none the wiser - that naive beautiful hetereosexual woman. Poor thing. When she gets there I fear Orwell will make his move, and she'll think she has succeeded - but no, no - it's Orwell who will have triumphed. And then he'll have her in his clutches - in more ways than one - and probably as often as he can persuade her!"

"Well, well, well,"  Azriel got out stupefied. "So that filthy old poof's been a filthy old hetereosexual all this time. Go figure!"  

"No - Azriel - no!"

"What?"  

"No, he's not a hetereosexual at all."

"Huh?" Azriel got out, totally confused by now. "What is he then, a Martian?"

"Possible, I guess. I haven't investigated that far yet. Anyway, he's not a hetereosexual and he's not a homosexual. What's left? Come Azzy. You can use your logic. Come on - use it now!"  

Azriel strained for thought. Then it came to her in a blinding flash! "He's a lesbian isn't he!"

Amarie's reply was to nod her head solemnly.

"Oh poor, poor Julia. He's going to deflower her (so to speak) and she'll think she's converted an incorrigible old poof into an incorrigible old womaniser, not knowing she's just made hot and moisty love to a lesbian! How horrible!"

"Well, I'm sure Orwell won't care two hoots about the moral dimension, the amoral bastard!"  

"Oh Amarie, I've never heard you use language like that before. It's as shocking as Eldo saying something like 'my goodness'. I am shocked. You must be really out of sorts."

"I am. I must stop him. But I don't want to make a move yet. I need to find out how he plans to accomplish his deed. This is not just about turning Julia into a mindless servant by giving her a cracking great orgasm."  

"Do you think he will?"

"Well if he doesn't, she'll kick his arse from Needlehole to Buckland."

"What do we do to thwart him?"

"We will need a mole to start with, and I think you're just..."

"Steady on."

"A spy, Azzy: a spy, S.P.Y."

"Oh. Of course. I just didn't want you to think... you know..."

"I'll leave that one alone, I think... What I want you to do is dress up in sexy revealing clothing and head off to South Needlehole. You must disguise yourself in erotic makeup and wear a false moustache, so none of the residnts think you look out of place, and go to Orwell's doorstep. Once there, take off the moustache and tell Orwell that you are worried about how things are going in Forumshire and that you came seeking wise advice from him. You know him, he loves people thinking he's wise and thoughtful and helpful and all that, the big fat egotistical you-know-what. Make sure you wear a revealing buttoned blouse set up so that your best breast is always in danger of falling out. This will be a distraction whenever if asks ticklish questions. If things get ticklish, pop it out. Remember, we now know he is a lesbian and you know how much lesbians love breasts. Especially lovely round ample ones like yours."

"Oh thank you for the compliment. Now, let me try it. I have my blouse unbuttoned to this point - then I accidentally unbutton this - ooh how fluidly it falls out - the left one I think - it's the more popular one - then I say: 'Oops! That wasn't meant to happen,' and then slowly put it away and do it up again, hopefully distracting Orwell from whatever ticklish question he has asked. Here, I'll try it again. You know, it's quite easy to do if you know how. Why not try it?"

"Not just now, thanks."  

"Okay. I'll get dressed up and head off immediately... Err... won't it possibly get a wee bit uncomfortable for Julia if I'm flopping out my prize bazooka constantly?"

"Hopefully, you won't have to - at least not constantly I hope. If you play the game cleverly enough, you'll deal with his every question without even once having to employ that particular party trick."

"Party trick? Funny you should put it that way... Okay. So if I play the game cleverly enough... Yes, yes... We'll see I guess... I would think, this being a Wholesome Tale and all... anyhow, we'll see... I'm off then."

And Azriel hurried off to the shower and Amarie was impressed very much with her keeness for the task.    

 

#2esoteric4me

There is a very bleak hole on the outskirts of Forumshire, its nowhere near the Muck N Duck or Towers of Lore or Mrs Figgs eel Emporium but, some say once there you never come back...... ( cue dramatic music please ) WTF is going on in your brain Orwell !! ?? Your romping away, in your little yellow romper, you know the one,

Don't blame Ol' Anon's peculiarities on me! I'm at his begging like everyone here.

Chapter 15

A TOTALLY UNEXPECTED ENDING


It was quite amazing. Little glittery orbs suddenly exited the Tower of Lore. Probably three thousand or more. And they arrived at the houses, holes and river banks of all the Forumshirans, zipping around on little propulsion systems. The inhabitants of Forumshire were caught in total surprise. Little ejector thingies sent out gases, rather sweet gasses, not the sort of gases that come out of the ends of worms, nor dry and sandy, and everyone was tranquilised, some of them twice, especially Orwell who was just about to undo Julia Figgs bra, she thinking she was about to cure him of being terribly Gay, and not at all a closet Lesbian at all, at all; and he very focused on unfastening at that moment before the second gas hit his nostrils, his innate animal nature having resisted the beguiling waft of sweet gas on first whiff, and he thinking it was Julia's perfume - which was actually nicer than the gas, truth be known.

"I thought this was the best way of dealing with things," Amarie said as she stripped out of her black uniform in the Tower of Lore and put on a nice party dress. "I was afraid this was going to end up one of those Forumshire tales that seem to go on forever, even though the author promises it's almost over several times, before writing seven more chapters, and none of them bite sized. No matter how exciting and fun a tale is, surely one can't keep promising it's almost over, then going on again like it's Neighbours or Coronation Street. Now when every one wakes up, they will have forgotten everything, including that I usurped the Throne of Forumshire. I will also let Eldo come home, but only so he can be my toyboy - when he's not over tired and sadly limp - and perform various clerical duties, though not as many so as to make him tired and limp. This is for the best, I think, and however unexpected, a sound ending on all accounts."

She turned to her chief goblin, Shagrat, and smiled. "Please be as kind as to pass the tobacco jar, Shaggy."




THE END

Ah Bubbles  An ending worthy of the Bard, & not the type of barred you might be used to ( barred from here, barred from there... ) A bubble bard, bit like a bubble bath but without the water

All's well that ends well.

Bubbles for everybody!

Of course, nearly everyone loves a happy ending. And some endings are good just because they've ended. Some stories I hear, no matter good they are, never seem to end, in spite of promises to the contrary, apparently.

Yeah, but with both Unfinished tales and Neverending story being taken already it's hard to get away with that now...