The Changing of the Guard

Brilliant read ! its like "Charlies Angels meets Black Adder "

iron fists don't sound very nice

I'm sure that no matter how things turn out, the mysteriously darkly clad chap will find a way to portray himself as the prime mover behind everything.

{{{Do keep these coming, Anon! }}}

Eldorion wrote:Yeah, about that, Blue. You better not be out there having fun at the expense of posting here!

Fun? Meh, not really. Beyond the remit of school being fun, that is. (Which I guess it is, when you get down to it.)

Not that things are all that bad. Nah, on the whole thing's are quite well.

Anything else? Well, I've kind of got a cold again. (Annoying, right.) And I still don't know what to do about that girl I was talking about an age ago..

Ah.. the usual, I guess.

Glad to hear that things are going well for the most part. And still finding school to be fun is good; being burnt out on it but having to continue sucks. Hope the cold and girl confusion both pass.

Girl confusion?  Quite simple: you have to slip her a mysterious message, something like "I'm willing to buy you out."

Young maidens can't resist riddling talk, and wasting time trying to figure it out.

( I may have it twisted around somehow, but I think that's about right. )

Chapter 7

The (Garden) Plot Thickens

Avy had concealed himself beneath some hydrangeas in the garden at the front of Banks World Bank, in Prude Street, Needlehole, so as to keep a look out for Nora, figuring that the goblins would surely drag her down to the lock holes which were across the street. Sure enough, he heard loud squeals and fulsome abuse coming on the breeze, and growing  steadily more audible as the minutes passed. Presently, Avy saw a small group kicking up dust in the road and drawing ever closer with Nora fighting all the way.

"Mistress Nora is quite quick tempered and extremely foul mouthed, but calling those goblins fucking dogs and filthy pricks won't in any sense endear her to them. And who is that now with them? Fjordianlandians in black pantsuits! Why, my, it's that tall Fjordianlandian, Ringo Herring, and his not quite so tall cousin, Blue Bottlebosoms, Amarie's nephews. She has clearly brought them over as token males to be used for her sinister purposes. She seems to have given them some sort of supervisory role, at least Ringo has. He appears to be giving orders while Blue takes down notes."

Avy heard a window above and behind him slide angrily open and Master Odo Banks appeared there. "Will you please quieten down out there! What noise! What foul language! Is that Nora Fowlenmouth you're violently manhandling?"

"It is" Blue explained apologetically. "We beg your pardon, Master Odo, but Aunty Amarie says this unruly young lady has done something she shouldn't have - spoke treasonous words or something - and so must be put away to await trial..."

"Never mind that, young Bottlebosoms! Just lock her up and gag her if you have to. I'm trying to balance my books at the moment and I can really do without the racket!"

And the window banged angrily closed and Master Odo was gone again, drawing thick curtains behind him.

Avy could vaguely hear Nora yell something, but it was now muffled and cut off to a degree by Ringo's hand over her mouth, but her face, contorted with sheer juvenile spleen, was aimed at Odo's window.

"She's a feisty one," Avy averred admiringly. "Not the sharpest axe in the shed by any means, and quite blunt too, certainly says what she thinks, and as I don't much care for sharp axes anyway, I think she's great. But, what next? How do I rescue her? And, even then, what do we do after that?"

It was certainly a quandary, indeed, quite a weedy situation for that little precocious plant.

As he was ruminating, he saw three lady hobbits arriving up the street, all dressed in snappy black pantsuits and wearing caps.

"Come on, Julia. March properly!" Amarie was laughing (though kind of fakely and tensely). "Come on now, it's fun!"

"I don't like acting the goose in public," Julia was complaining.

"Just because we're goose stepping doesn't mean we're being gooses, however entertaining it must be for onlookers," Azriel cried gaily. "I rather think this military marching is fun. I've always liked to include discipline in my fun-making. And marching is very very disciplined. I hope Amarie has found some boys we can discipline soon."

"Quick now, girls!" Amarie cried. "We're popping in to see Master Banks for a few minutes. Abooooouuuut turn!"

Avy watched in verdant suspicion, his stomata opening and closing with the fear of being seen among the hydrangeas, but he need not have worried, for very swiftly, the three sharply pantsuited ladies had disappeared into the bank.

"Amarie, Azriel and Julia! " Avy muttered suspiciously. "And on their way in to see old Banks. Well, the garden plot thickens!"

I'm growing quite fond of Avy, though he really should be called Bertil.

I like it.

More please!

I like it too

Chapter 8

Eldo has Second Thoughts


That night passed uneasily.

A loud banging came from on Eldo's door as he slept deeply in his squalid room at the Muck and Duck.

"Oh dearie dictums do-re-me!" our startled youngish hobbit exclaimed, quite gayly. "I hope that's not the Dean here to punish me with his trouser belt for failing my Quantum Physics exam!"

The banging came again, only louder and possibly more banglimaximal.

"Oh thank goodness!" Eldo exclaimed waking up. "I was just dreaming. I really must go and see someone about that recurring dream of mine. Especially as it gives me such a guilty horny."

He got out of his straw on the floor and unlatched  the door, only to find that granite jawed wagon mechanic Lance O'Bloke standing in the hallway with his broad shoulders filling the door gap.

"My goodness, what brings you here, Lance?"

"I think it was a promotion - in a backwards kind of way - because I said I liked this tale."

"That's a dangerous business, Lance. You know, saying something whether nice or facetious about Ol' Anon can often end badly."

"I know, I know, but I'm not afraid of that milksop. In fact, I dare him to do his worse with my characterisation."

"Your call, I guess, but remember that you yourself requested it!  Now, getting back to the story arc, what brings you here?"

"Master Odo sent me to find out why you didn't make your appointment with him at the bank."

"What appointment?"

"The one that the darkly clad chap with first a hood and then a snappy balaclava made for you."

"That wasn't even a balaclava."

"I get paid to do and say what I'm told, son; at least, if I think word of what I say will get back to my current.... err... financier, know what I mean? Money talks and this job beats greasing wagon wheels for a living. The money's shit I have to say. Now, up you get. Master Odo said he'd still try to fit you in."

"Well, to be honest, Lance, I don't know if I want to go," Eldo said politely. "Frankly, I'm having second thoughts about it all. Do you, by the way, know what that darkly clad chap and I were discussing last night?"

"Master Odo filled me in about your plans to take out a huge loan at reasonable rates so as to hire a dwarfish army to overthrow Amarie's goblin horde."

"My sweet Illuvatar! It's like Odo was there himself!"

Lance yawned. "Yeah.. He's a devilishly cunning operator."

"You were paid to say that, weren't you!"

"Every hobbit has his price. Now, get dressed."

"No, I don't think so," Eldo protested. "No, I think someone else can overthrow Amarie. Personally, I'd prefer her Evil Regime to my Benificent Regime if it means I've got to take personal responsibility for it all."

"Well then," Lance breathed sardonically as he took knuckle dusters from his pocket and slipped them onto his  calloused knuckles. "Seems I'll have to persuade you my friend."

"Ooh... I dare say!" Eldo said quickly. "I am having second thoughts, Lance, but that doesn't mean I have absolutely made up my mind yet.... err..... completely..."

"Now you're talking sense," Lance said sardonically and regretfully put his knuckledusters away. "Remembember this for you health, Eldo, I am a vicious and thuggish badass. Best to keep that in mind. Hear me? Vicious... Thuggish... Badass."

And he seemed inordinately pleased to say it.

Don't fall for his tricks, Eldo!

It's all getting rather exciting, isn't it.

I quite like this Lance O'bloke! Wouldn't want to meet him, but good from a distance!

Sort of chap who I suspect would kill you as soon as look at you if you looked at him and he didn't like you looking at him.

Typical English villain then?

Chapter 9

Julia Figg's Dilemna


Julia woke with a bee in her bonnet, which probably served her right for wanting to wear her daisy bonnet to bed, and she was instantly put in a furious mood as she whisked that troublesome bee away with truculent truculence. "I only hope Amarie brings in a law that bees have to make twice as much honey and live in cages!" our Julia complained.  

Now, dear reader, Julia quite admired bees as a rule, all pollinators in fact, but this temporary truculent truculence shows you how indisposed she was being woken up by that pesky bee going about its natural business. The deeper source of her truculent truculence, however, was that Julia also had a metaphysical bee in her bonnet when she woke up, and two bees in one 's bonnet at 9.00am will do that to you - make you grumpy, that is (apparently).  

The metaphysical bee? Oh yes, I suppose I better get on with it.

"I am really feeling quite uneasy about that meeting we had with Master Odo Banks yesterday," Julia mused. "Indeed, I have a bee in my bonnet about it and I think I'll go to Amarie and ask her to explain something which I think is quite important but which Ol' Anon has been too lazy to write about, preferring, obviously, to have Amarie and me to talk about it in retrospect. Oh well, if he wants to pretend he's Tolkien he can for all I care, but no one will be fooled."

And Julia stormed off to Amarie's bower. On bursting in, she saw a bandersnatch on Amarie's bed. It sprang off the bed and scuttled off into the shadows, and when Amarie looked over at her from a small table by a bay window where she was supping on her cereal, neither of them mentioned the bandersnatch, after all, they were both genteel, at least publicly.

"Amarie!" Julia exclaimed irately. "I have a bone to pick with you. I think something untoward is going on!"    
     
"I thought we were too genteel to mention the bandersnatch?"

"No, not that... though if you want to talk about it, I guess...."

"No no, I'm happy not talking about it publicly."

"Okaaaaay. Well, it's this business at the bank yesterday."

"Well, strictly speaking, there was no business conducted at the bank as you know."

"Yes, I know that. But it was the business you wanted to conduct at the bank which has been playing on my mind."

"Oh... is it now..." Amarie said slowly and carefully, her face had an expression which seemed to say, 'What's Julia up to here? Has she seen through my evil plan? What happened at the bank yesterday might have seemed pretty obvious, even to Julia I see now. Should I kill her now, or wait until I find out exactly what she wants to know, just in case I'm jumping to the wrong conclusion here?'    

"I'd like it very much if you didn't kill me, no matter what I asked," Julia said quickly, reading Amarie's expression. "But if you prefer I didn't ask, I won't. Can I leave now?"

And Julia's face had drawn white, for Julia  hadn't seen an expression like that on Amarie's face before, for Amarie's expresions were usually simpler and nicer, like: 'Oooh what lovely shoes, Julia!'; or: "I'm really jealous of your makeup today. Is that your Sophia Lauren look! I'm sooo jealous.' They were simple expressions that Julia liked to read: because Julia did ever so much like compliments, and don't we all?

"I would never kill you," Amarie lied now, quickly putting on her best 'I'm not going to ever kill you, Julia,' expression, which though false, certainly was so well executed as to put Julia's mind at rest.

Breathing easier, Julia said. "You shouldn't have murderous expressions on your face, you know, people might think your serious, Amarie!"

"Sit down and have some cereal, Jules," Amarie smiled benignly. "And ask me about what's troubling you."

So Julia went over and sat at the little breakfast table with Amarie.

"Well, it's this business about asking Master Odo for an extension on your goblin horde loan so you could purchase a fleet and go to Darkplanetland - which is apparently somewhere east of Fjordianlandia if I got that right. I mean, won't you have enough to do here without taking a fleet to Darkplanetland for reasons you were 'for commercial reasons, not at liberty yet' to explain, what with your plans to have Forumshire... um... err... what did you call it...?"

"Pasturised."

"Oh yes. I mean, surely it will take some time to make Forumshire infection free. Not that I've heard of any infections occurring here. I mean, Forumshire is a fantasy land where no one ever gets ill as far as I know."

"There are infections here, alright," Amarie said, sounding gay, but her eyes were as hard as steel, though she was careful to look away from Julia when she said it, so that Julia didn't see her hard as steel eyes. "And the sooner some folk are pasturised, the better! Disobedience and the will to freedom are infections, dear."

"Are they?" Julia asked, getting instantly all uneasy again.  "I thought that was what Forumshire was all about."

"Oh, of course," Amarie trilled, like butter would not melt in her mouth. "I was just joking, of course. No I'm thinking of certain cancerous growths here that need... err... pasturisation..."

"Oh that! You must mean folk like Orwell and Petty?"

"Yes, I think they need to be brought to heal. They are like cancers and it's about time they showed people like you and me proper respect. Sorry if I liken them to cancerous growths, I was being metaphysical."

"Well, the sooner I start my embroidery classes, the better," Julia laughed, with a feeling of relief. "We'll soon have Forumshire pasturised. I mean, those lads will be like putty in our hands once they've learned how to sew pretty flowers on cushions, and not the garish work Orwell normally achieves but civilized dainty needlework! And there was me thinking you wanted to kill Orwell and Petty for a moment there! I mean, they're like Forumshire Royalty, and in their own irreverent and outlandish and aggravating way, they represent and defend all that is Free and Easy about Forumshire. If you killed them, there would be no one arrogant or perverse enough to uphold Forumshire's erratic and unguided philosophy. Well, Eldo might stand up for it, but he's lost the will to defend the philosophy. Oh, of course, there is me too, I guess. Come to think on it, there is Azriel too... and Dave.. and Lance....and Nora...and Halfy.... and Chris... and Mayor Bungo.. and Malick....well, just about everyone here really." Julia now laughed again, for she was feeling a great sense of relief, and she got up and made for the door of Amarie's bower positively skipping in her relief. As she skipped, she added jokingly: "You know, if you killed us all, Amarie, you would have to bring in a whole host of new Immigrants to populate the place. Ridiculous! Ho ho ho! Where would you ever get them from?"

"Well, not from Darkplanetland on a fleet of ships just yet, I know that much," Amarie drawled reflectively. "No, that will have to wait until Forumshire is tamed and Master Odo Banks is hanging from a gibbet, and then - with my hands at long last on all his riches - yessss... yessss... but I must not be get ahead of myself...no, no, don't be hasty, Amarie!"

"Sorry, what was that?" Julia asked, turning at the door. "What were you saying, dear?"

"Oh nothing, sweet, sweet, Julia," Amarie smiled innocently. "No, nothing at all!"

I think it's about time for me to take charge and save the day.

Oh, wait. I'm not the hero of this story, am I.

Ho ho, this is getting deep, dark & serious. Will Amarie be found out ? Will Julia get her sewing done ? Will pasteurising Orwell & Petty be messy ?

Bluebottle wrote:I think it's about time for me to take charge and save the day.  

Oh, wait. I'm not the hero of this story, am I.

If you had actually read ALL of this story - because clearly you haven't! - you would know you ARE a hero of this tale, Blue - sort of... I happen to think Clerks are heroes. You know, if we didn't have Clerks, then how would anything be recorded, or notes taken to remind us of important appointments, and that kind of thing? There is a heroism involved in that kind of administrative help, surely! Yes, and it's too often left unsung. But Ol' Anon respects Clerks, having been one himself when he was young and starting out in the workplace. Ol' Anon hasn't always been a successful Archet Bugle writer, you know. In your case, that would be Anti-Hero, of course, as clearly - if you had read ALL this tale before complaining, you would see that you are on the Anti-Hero side of things.

Oh, and I'm sure Ol' Anon appreciates your interest, Azriel. You, of course, are one of the most interesting heroines in the tale. Are you really on Amarie's side? Or are you on the Forumshiran side? Fancy you being that interesting - and you from Manchester and all.

Is Az from Manchester too? I thought that was just Figgy.

Chapter 10

Nora  Naked


Ringo and Blue, even though they were on Aunty Amarie's side in all this business, were still gentlehobbits at heart, and so they had not been present in the lock holes when their goblin charges stripped Nora naked and performed a cavity search to ensure she had no hidden keys or bobby pins. Satisfied afterwards, the goblins locked the door of her cell and were lead off by Ringo back to the Tower of Lore, leaving two goblins behind in the front office to make sure no one allowed Nora to escape. Blue had made copious notes so that a full report could be given to Amarie.

So poor little naked Nora had had to stay - unable to sleep - in her cell all night, shivering and cantankerous. But in the morning, as she sat on the tuffet supplied, the only furniture she had in there, with the dawn sun just beginning to filter through a tiny barred window, Nora took interest in a little spider. It was on the ceiling to begin with, but then it fell suddenly and almost hit the floor before catching itself on a single thread. Fascinated, Nora watched as it began to wind up it's thread and move back toward the ceiling. But it got only half way and fell again.

"Ooh! Poor little spidey!" Nora oohed. "Come on, I know you can do it. Just like my great great ancestor, Robert the Scootzmun. He never gave up!"

And sure enough, the spider managed to get back to the ceiling after three attempts. Nora clapped her hands. "I will never give up either!" says she. "I've never liked goblins, and I know that Amarie has gone evil just by the mere fact she has hired them! And people say I'm naive. I bet she has already fooled Azriel and Julia that it's all just fine fine and doozy that she has brought goblins to Needlehole."

"I must say," said a little squeaky voice, "if I was a dirty old perve like the writer, I'd be admiring your breasts just now, and him old enough to know better, though, if we are honest, all old people are perverse, the hypocrites!"

Nora covered up as best she could on her tuffet and cast her gaze about her cell.  The only other inhabitant of the cell was a rather large rat.

"Did you just speak?"

"I did," said the rat. And only then did Nora notice that the rat was up on his hind legs, wearing a cute green outfit, with a little sword at his side. "I am from Narnia originally, but when C.S. carked it, I came here. Not that I was ever in one of his sexist racist tales. I hope to be in one here, though. My name is Kreepicheeks."

"Oh you're soo cute," Nora cried, as she liked small furry animals, however creepy. "I bet you're here to help me escape."

"Well, you're not as naive as some people think. Yes, I am."

Kreepicheeks then disappeared into a drainpipe and returned with some clothes for Nora. It was a green jerkin with green tights and a green cap with a feather in it. "Now, dear, when we escape, you must call yourself Robyn Hood. We will hide you up in Bindbole Wood which will be the bolt hole of your rebellion."

"Ooh!" Nora oohed again. "Does this mean I'm going to be the heroine of this tale?"

"Well, at least one of them; Ol' Anon is careful not to have favourites, you know. "

Nora quickly got dressed, and if she looked hot naked, she looked just as hot with clothes on. As you know, all hobbitlasses are hot in Forumshire, so you mustn't be surprised.

"How do we get out of this cell?" Nora asked when she was decent again.

"Look up, dearie. See that key hanging on a hook by the door," Kreepicheeks said and smiled toothily.

"Ooh, I hadn't even noticed that."

Kreepicheeks laughed squeakily. "Isn't it always the case that you always find your keys in the most obvious place, and only ever after you've abused your spouse, accused your children of neglect, and ripped open every drawer in your hole and thrown your bills and old Erumas cards all over the floor!"

halfwise wrote:Is Az from Manchester too?  I thought that was just Figgy.

Ol' Anon seems to think so, but if she's not she is now.

I saw the title "Nora Naked" and it nearly burned my eyes out. If I didn't know Ol' Anon was as deeply protective of our young hobbit lasses as I am there would be harsh words, I do say!

Yes, and I'm sure everyone seeing that chapter title will never read another Wholesome Tale again in protest. But Ol' Anon has always treated ALL his adult characters in a certain way, male or female - though, of course, as you know, he has been careful in regard to the very young. Ol' Anon does suspect - that cunning old writer! - that that chapter in particular will get a wide readership - even it's only for one time or the last time. That's the risk he has always taken, Halfy. Incidentally, Eldo has been getting the Wholesome Tales treatment for years, but no one complains, not even him, and he is around Nora's age. Ol' Anon is very often sexual but not really ever all that sexist. Just saying.