A Changing of the Guard (All, Please)

I.

This has probably been the most difficult post I've ever tried to write, and there is a ton of information that I want to convey, so I'm going to try to get the essential stuff out of the way right here at the start. As some of you already know, I have decided after almost a year of on-and-off agonizing to step down as owner and administrator of Forumshire. Both of these positions will pass to Amarië, who will be advised by the Council, consisting of the other moderators (and myself in an honorary position), as I have been for most of my time here.

There are a few additional technical details to fill everyone in on. I have carried out the formal steps involved in turning over the ownership of a Forumotion forum. Amarië's name is now “on the lease”, so to speak, so hers is the final word in any event that comes to that. She also has exclusive access to the admin tools. Petty and Orwell will remain as moderators, and have lent their support to Amarië's adminship. Future promotions to admin or moderator positions, if any, will be in her hands.

For my part, I plan on remaining as a member of the forum. I'll still be in the moderator group, at least for now, as an honorary member of the Council. I'll still post as I feel like it, as a regular member. I am confident that the forum is in good hands with Amarië and the Council, and look forward to not having to worry so much about my obligations here. Granted, most of those obligations were self-imposed, but I think this will be a good thing for my mental health.

II.

I've received a fair bit of pushback on this idea from the people who I have already discussed it with, so I would like to preemptively offer an explanation. My initial attempt at explaining this ran for almost three pages in a word processor just covering the backstory prior to me becoming Admin here, and I can't imagine anyone really wants to read that much, plus it was getting really personal. So anyway, here's the brief version.

I became active in online Tolkien fandom at 14, and I started running this place at 16. My first forum, the LOTR Plaza, was my main social outlet for a couple years and was instrumental in me making close friends (other than my brother and one other person) for the first time since pre-school. However, my depression kicked up during this time, including one full-blown major depressive episode, and because forums had come to mean so much to me I was very sensitive about certain things and ended up with a lot of resentment towards certain admins, even after I became a moderator.

My position here fell into my lap as a result of Dark Planet Day, but I felt that I was uniquely positioned to save/re-found the forum afterwards and it was important to me that the community survive, even though at the time I was still more active on the Plaza. This forum became even more important to me when I was 17 and had another major episode, including my first hospitalization, as a result of which I left the Plaza (in a sort of unspoken arrangement with Baingil, as she left here at the same time) and I stopped talking to almost all of my friends.  This forum was basically my only tie to normalcy for a while.

As things got better for me in 2012, Forumshire also started to grow really fast, what with immigration from Bree and the first Hobbit movie getting ever closer. I feel that I grew more into my position of admin as well. Realizing in early 2013 how big the forum had become and tracking its performance in comparison to other forums was a huge validation for me. And when I saw that it had surpassed the Plaza for the calendar year 2013, there was certainly an Oedipal thrill for me.

Despite my efforts here, it's hard to express in words what this place means to me, and what getting to run it has done for me. It really has been the culmination of years of effort and investment in Tolkien fandom, and despite the downsides, has been an incredibly rewarding experience. My instinct is, as always, to think that I've done a terrible job and that everyone would be better off without me, but I'm trying to fight against that. Plus, Norc told me I wasn't allowed to talk bad about myself in this post.

The first element of Tolkien fandom that I got into was Lore debates. I was wrapping up my first read-through of The History of Middle-earth when I began posting actively, and I was eager to test myself against others and further my knowledge. I was, not trying to brag, really good at it and won recognition from some respected figures in online Tolkienology (some of whom are active in IRL Tolkien studies as well). I soon branched out into movie discussions as well, and it was in the Plaza's Movies forum that I earned my first moderator position. But I've also spent a lot of time over the years in silly threads, off-topic discussions, games and casual role-play, etc. Running an entire forum required me to draw on everything I knew about online discussion and communities, and to have seen my forum grow and be so successful is the total culmination and validation of all this time spent.

In a lot of ways, forums were my high school experience. I went to college really early and even before then spent a lot of time around kids three or more years older than me, so RL socializing was always a little weird. I started lurking regularly during my first full-time semester of college and I made my first post from the school library while taking a break from finishing my last final paper. When I graduated at 18, I wasn't sure what role forums would take in my life moving on. Some things certainly changed, work definitely didn't give me as much free time as school had, but this place is really important to me and I am glad that it has been with me through so much and that I keep coming back here. Nor do I intend for my activity here to stop now.

All that said, I do feel that I need a change. I've taken my role as admin really seriously over the years and invested a ton of time and emotional energy into it. This has been bad for me, particularly during incidences of intense interpersonal conflict on here. I don't want to name names, but there was one incident in 2013 where I actually posted a resignation message before thinking better of it and deleting it before anyone else saw. Fortunately, Petty, Orwell, and Amarië had my back, and it was with those three that we established the Council to better handle stresses and conflicts, after a previous incident in 2012. They have given me an amazing gift by being willing to listen to me complain so much and also help me work through various forum problems.

On the other hand, I do like to think that my level of focus (one could say obsession) towards the forum has brought benefits to it. I believe that some of the reforms I carried out, my general vision for guiding the development of the forum, and my active participation in almost all parts of the forum including stuff that didn't hold great personal interest for me, all helped this place become what it has. Though obviously, it wouldn't have grown and thrived without the contributions of many others as well, and I'll get to that shortly.

But anyway, my probably too-intense approach has often been very tiring to me, and once we passed the theatrical release of BOFA I began thinking really hard about stepping down (the first time that happened without some precipitating conflict). I decided to stick around past my fourth anniversary as admin so I could be here for all the DVD releases, the final EE, and the “official” end of the Hobbit Era, in addition to wrapping up some personal goals like the statistics project. But all that is past, and I have accomplished everything I wanted to do as an admin (including fulfilling some really far-fetched dreams I had when I was young in the fandom), leaving my final goal to be securing the future of this place (and by extension the protection of my legacy).

I feel that I have now accomplished this, and am very happy and proud that Amarië has agreed to assume the rights and duties of the admin position. I know plenty of forum admins who stick around, generally absentee, for years or decades after they cease to be active on their sites. And if that works for them, then I'm at a place now where I don't resent that. But it's now how my brain or my or my experience works, and I am glad to have a clear beginning, middle, and end to certain things. I'm glad to have closure.

(In the interest of openness, and because I've alluded to this in recent posts, the other factor in me making this decision now is that I'm in the middle of yet another major depressive episode and went through my second hospitalization earlier this month. Treatment continues, I'm working at trying to get better, and as always I'm grateful for the support I've received from the forum in general and the close friends especially. But it's another reason I'm trying to simplify certain things about my life and remove stress where I can. I was considering the idea of stepping down long before this episode started, but I can't pretend that recent events haven't been a factor in my decision-making.)

III.

I also have a number of personal notes and acknowledgements I would like to make, some of them to people who are no longer active here. None of the things I get to brag about in terms of running this place would be true if not for the contributions of everyone who has participated here. I don't have the space (or a good enough memory) to thank every last individual, but just because you're not mentioned below doesn't mean I don't appreciate your contributions.

First off, to those who came before me. Everyone who knew him knows how much of a role Gandalf's Beard played in shaping this place. He was the first member of the forum to join after Ady, he was the lead moderator for basically the entirety of the Old Forum's existence, and he was the universally-acknowledged heart and soul of the community. We never would've gotten off the ground if not for you, Old Beard. Others from his era include Show, Otto's World, Durin, Zackira, and Beren (the original one). Tinuviel and chris63 also joined in this era, and fortunately they have stuck with us all the way to the present, bringing us royal dignity and raspberry buckie, and the hottest news and GIFs, respectively.

Next are those who joined around the same time I did, laying the seeds for the Forumshire Revolution that would truly flourish after Dark Planet Day. I don't think it's possible to overstate the impact that Odo/Orwell has had on this place. His legacy comes out almost every time we speak here, as he has coined so many words and phrases that have become integral parts of Forumshire culture. The name Forumshire itself (as well as Bree, Needlehole, and Dark Planet in their current meanings) come from his fertile mind. The origins of the free-spirits' philosophy and the eclectic, wide-ranging atmosphere of this place largely come from him (though Odo himself will vehemently deny any connection to disrespectability).

Petty – oh man, I wrote an entire post about his impact here, and I stand by every word of it. He's the mod who's been with me the longest, and despite his protestations to the contrary, he's been an amazingly dedicated and empathetic caretaker of the community. And while he makes fun of his own post total, there are periods when I think this place might have died if not for Petty continuing to plow forward and carry the rest of us with him when needed.

There were a lot of people who joined in 2010, many of whom are gone now. Paul Erickson was one of our great creatives. Ringdrotten has been a pillar of respectability as well as fun and I'm very glad to have seen him popping by a little bit more frequently recently. Halfwise was famously lost in the desert for a while but since coming back to us (almost four years ago, damn) he's been a vocal and valued contributor in so many aspects of the forum. Ally I felt was a kindred spirit in some ways, and she was one of the purest expressions of the Forumshire character. I miss her so much when I'm reminded of her, particularly because I know she had her demons and I worry about what may have happened to her since her abrupt disappearance from here. But if you ever do read this, Ally, please know that the impact you had on here and the kindness you showed me is something I'll never forget.

We were scattered for a brief period surrounding Dark Planet Day, but a number of people joined around that time. Kafria had been on the Old Forum for all of a month but she threw herself into the enterprise of building a new forum wholeheartedly and was a key figure here, as well as our first Mayor. Her daughter Squach was feisty (her showdowns with Orwell still crack me up) as well as adorable, although I suppose she's old enough now that “adorable” would be a little patronizing. But even at ~12 she had a maturity beyond her years. Baingil also joined over DPD, and while it's sometimes been difficult for me to talk about her since she's my ex-girlfriend, she had an outsized impact during her time here, and the excellent forum theme we still enjoy was her handiwork. She was also a great advisor on forum issues in the era before the Council existed.

A bunch of newbies joined the forum that summer who would leave a lasting impact, several of them from Planet Tolkien. Amarië left an impression on many of us even before the new forum was started, as her graciousness and generosity with time and information impressed even those of us who were most upset about the forum being sold. Since she joined here, I know she has from time to time worried about being (or being seen as) an outsider. I hope this is not a concern for you now, as your contributions here have been so appreciated. It was a great help to have another mod who could relate to my experience and assumptions about moderating due to having held positions on other sites, but more importantly you're just a wonderful and caring person and I'm very grateful to have had your support. Plus it's always fun to see someone tweak Petty's nose in the Who threads.

Leelee was the other high-profile immigrant from Planet Tolkien that summer. Her empathy and caring for this place and its members was the cause of the PT detente and she went to Taz and got us the Old Forum's archive database back at a time when most of us had resigned ourselves to never seeing it again, which I will always be grateful for. But that's only one small part of the distinguished career of our “Free-est Spirit”. Elthir also arrived at that time, and though he came with little fanfare, he immediately carved out a niche for himself as one of our brightest minds and a veritable fountain of Tolkien knowledge. His threads (Galadriel and Her Husband remains my favorite, I think) have elevated the Middle-earth section forums, and his humor is among the sharpest on the forum. Lorient Avandi joined a few weeks later, our first non-Old Forum, non-PT newbie, and despite several culture clashes regarding his views, he remained quite graceful. I hope that he will find time to return to us once his Mission is over, if it's not already.

It is of course impossible to talk about the history of Forumshire without mentioning our late, lamented sister-site Bree. Set up by Taz at the same URL as the Old Forum, I was surprised but delighted to visit the vibrant community that sprang up there. The first two people I met there were Mrs Figg and Norc, and through coincidence or otherwise, they have become two of the pillars of new Forumshire. Figgy, who is on track to pass my post total sometime in the not too distant future, brings a ton of enthusiasm and passion to the forum, and her discussions of art are incredibly informative (and she's still in full bloom on this front, check out her thread in A&E if you haven't yet!). Norc, who did spend a good two years or so ahead of me on the post list, rocked Forumshire's culture to the core, brought a ton of new slang and memes, went head-to-head with Orwell repeatedly, and generally made herself an indispensable part of this place almost immediately after joining. She's also one of my best friends, and I hope that she knows how much she's done for me as a person (hopefully I've been able to convey that already).

While no one except Petty has ever been quite so prolific as those two, there have been a ton of Bree-landers that played big roles in shaping this place. David H brings great knowledge and perspective to many different topics, and if not for his habit of posting rude veg, would surely be a titan of respectability (not that I'd ever give up the rude veg and humor though!). Sinister71 and feanor 1999 did more posting on the Bree side, as they along with Mrs Figg were mods over there, but keeping Bree going until eventually administrative neglect made the end inevitable was a huge service to us as well. The mysterious man of the City, Lancebloke, keeps us all guessing as to what covert operations he might currently be engaged in, but finds the time to keep us entertained with photography and the occasional story as well. And of course our favorite witch, azriel, has only grown in activity here with time, and is perhaps our most prolific joke-poster (as well as the reason why that multi-part thread first started). And I can't forget RA, with his passion for MERP and numerous contributions here.

The more recent generation, most if not all of whom came over from Bree or TORn, have also played an increasingly large role in shaping the modern Forumshire. Radaghast, in addition to having one of the cleverest nicknames here, helped strengthen the purist faction on here, and even if I don't always agree with him, my associations with purism run too deep for me to be anything but pleased by that. Bungo has played a big role in many different parts of the forum, and his posts and perspectives are always ones that I look forward to. Malickfan is a great contributor to the Middle-earth forums, and I've lost track of how many great, lengthy back-and-forths we've had, both on Tolkien and on the history and nature of online forums. They are always appreciated. Forest Shepherd, I wish that I remembered more about D&D so that I could participate in that thread, but your enthusiasm and dedication have been very much appreciated. And I've loved getting to discuss anime and Avatar: The Last Airbender so much with Bluebottle, in addition to hearing his informed perspectives on law and music.

IV.

Not only did I not have space to mention everyone who left an impact here, I had to condense my thoughts, feelings, and memories of most people here down to a couple things that stand our particularly strong in my mind. I hope you all know that I don't see you guys as caricatures though, and that I've enjoyed getting to know so many of you personally, whether through just reading posts or chatting at length. There are untold numbers of Internet forums out there, but it's the people that make any of them special. I've been to a lot of forums, and I can honestly say (as objectively as its possible for me to be here), that this place really is something special.

Once, when I was first telling my brother about the events of Dark Planet Day and I guess he was in a catty mood, his response was to say “so what, you just stole this guy's forum that he paid for?” I was genuinely taken aback by this, as the notion of buying and selling communities has always rubbed me the wrong way. With a little more distance from the raw emotions of that time (and having grown up a lot and experienced a shift in perspectives), I don't necessarily have the same resentment of admins and webmasters that I once did. But it's a simple fact that while a community may call a forum home, it's not the same thing as the forum itself, and I think it's very important to stay in touch with the community.

This is one of the main reasons why I wanted Amarië to be my successor here. She, like me, came from a very different sort of forum background, where some of the foundational principles of the “free spirits' forum” that a lot of people here take for granted were unheard of. While many older Tolkien forums have evolved and loosened up over the years, Amarië, also like me, did sometimes have reservations about the extent to which we took the whole free spirits' thing. But I know how much she values this place, and it is the combination of experience and passion that I think makes her perfect for the job of admin.

I have a shaky self-image at the best of times, and it has often become very closely intertwined with the forum and my role here. I am proud to be “Eldorion of Forumshire”, as my user title used to proclaim, and the achievements I made here are something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and that I know will always be able to make me feel better about myself when I'm feeling down, as they have for years already. But I know that our new admin is going to do a fantastic job here as well, and I look forward to seeing everything that comes from the reign of Amarië of Forumshire.

A big thanks to everyone who read through all 4000 words of this post. I wanted to do one last big rambly post as my farewell address, even though I'm not leaving the forum as a whole. You all have stuck with me through my lengthy farewells/musings thus far, and I appreciate everyone helping me through the whole transitional process. I've done my best to explain it, but I'm still not sure if I've done justice to how much this community and everyone in it means to me. It will always be a part of me. I can only hope it means something to each and every one of you as well (including our lurkers; I know you're out there).

And with this, my final post as owner and administrator of Forumshire, I now turn the stage over to Amarië, with my best wishes for everything to come, and a final thank you to everyone who helps make this place the best online home anyone could wish for.

Hey, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. As far as, I'm sure, we're all concerned you did a great job as Admin, and it's good to know you'll stick around.

Eldorion wrote:I've done my best to explain it, but I'm still not sure if I've done justice to how much this community and everyone in it means to me. It will always be a part of me. I can only hope it means something to each and every one of you as well (including our lurkers; I know you're out there).

Eldo believe you explained things perfectly (lack of detail/clarity has never been something to worry about when it came to announcements such as this ), and clearly from the heart, as Bungo said A Man's got to do what a man's got to do, you shouldn't feel constrained by this forum as you have your own life and pressures to deal with.

I can't pretend to 'know' you as well as some of the old guard of this forum, but I'm well aware of the emotional attachment you have to this place, but you should feel very proud of your achievements with this forum. You've certainly proven yourself as a fair, welcoming and impressive admin/mod in my time here, and I'm glad to hear you plan on sticking around.

Though I have no doubts Amarië will do a great job as your successor.

My sincere thanks for everything you have accomplished here, and best of luck for the future.

I read this very powerful statement & I feel as tho my guts have been wrenched out. Your a very special young man Eldo and you have carried the weight of this forum with sincerity, passion & wisdom. Your right to be proud of this forum because everyone here loves you ! You have made friends here with people who will support you for years. I know I will never forget you, but, you have a life, with so much waiting for you. Youve left a huge impression here & it does feel like home. Im so happy to have met you & life for you will sparkle like a diamond.

Thanks, Eldo. Don't be a stranger

wow Eldo, no Jacob, because this is not just goofy forumshire-stuff. (well ok, maybe a little). you are beyond precious to me, i hope you know that. and i think i can speak on behalf of everyone here that we are so fucking glad we met you! I wish i could write a 4000 word long letter as elegantly and thoroughly back to you, but i don't think i have that in me. that's why i flopped the mid-term paper whoops.. anyhow half of it would be swearing soo  

reading this made me all warm and fuzzy, me and all of us here who has gotten to know you are really lucky to have crossed paths with you. honestly. maybe it's my hormones or the song i'm listening, but i am sitting here with a lump in my throat. not a sad one though. (heh sæd). a happy one. because this is good closure. you've done a great job, you built this forum yes, but more importantly, you built a communty! this weird flock of  oddballs who, somehow, got along (with some bumps naturally). and i think you should be really fucking proud of that. we are your friends, this eclectic cluster of people from all over the globe. And i am so glad you didn't end your "career" as forum overlord on a bad note. 

personally, this forum has meant a lot to me, and i thank you for that. you put your heart and sole and sweat into this and gave us a platform where we "queer hobbitfolk" could come together and be craycray! i joined this forum late 2011 (?), a time where i had just started high school and i did not fit in. at all. i've always been the weird kid. i had nerdy interests and was "that smart one"  and it's not easy. everyone else was chasing guys and drinking and partying and i was just like that quiet person (it has somewhat changed though). this forum was a beloved escape. when you don't really have anyone to talk to about what really is your passion and idk... coming here i just fit in, i could be my weird self. one never knows oneself a hundred percent, but i learned so much about me and i dunno.. this forum gave me a sense of belonging when i didn't really feel that way at school and i thank you from the darkest corners of my heart () for that. 

you will always have a friend in me (at least, dunno about you other folk but hey, step up!). I hope this stepping down doesn't take you away from us too much, but don't be afraid to have a taste of the outside world. I am glad you feel closure, but try not to think of it as the end of an era, but more of a new, fresh beginning. I know you have it tough right now, but you have a blank canvas  to qoute this awesome norwegian fellow who none of you (except the fjordians) knows who is, Alf Prøysen; "you will be given a day tomorrow, with blank sheets of paper and brand new colouring-pencils" (sounds waaay better in norwegian "Du skal få en dag i mårå"). on that note i am gonna include a song at the bottom here. to send you on your way <3

in times of trouble mother Norc comes to you speaking words of wisdom, let it be, let it be!!

lots of love
Nora <3



p.s. always gonna be Eldo's main squeese.

and i am so awefully sorry about the 2013 incident.. see no signature

Eldo you left your best to last. You have written your Administrative farewell beautifully. Captively beautifully in fact. If I had a cap I'd be doffing it right now. You know my thoughts well enough about you from our private conversations over the years to know I love you, but not necessarily in the way that that purely fictitious Orwell McOdo chap does, as you know the real me is a red hot heterosexual, even if my first gift to you when you started this forum was that pair of flame red hot pants. Which may cloud the resonances of what my true love for you might actually be.

You have and always will be (I hope) a joy of a human and I warn you, if you disappear from Forumshire I will hunt you down a kill you, but only because i love you.

As to your legacy as Admin, it speaks for itself. As you stated, I have been a big advocate of free spiritualism here, but also a supporter of the forum self-regulating so that it does never descend into a rabid cesspool of nastiness and recrimination. In my view, this has most times been achieved. Yes, things have got heated and upsetting at times, but we have self regulated well. The surest sign of any successful organisation is the invisible but clear eye and steady hand of the Boss. So never feel that this forum could be as free spirited and (mostly) warm and friendly as it has been all these years if not for your peculiar ability to be a stats nerd while being open minded as well. Believe it or not, in administrative terms, I think that is rare. It is also why folk here can breathe, which I notice doesn't really happen a lot in other forums I've visited. I think - with much credit going to you - the forumers who come and stay here are all great respecters of each other - even Petty and Mrs Figg, for example, who are great adversaries as we know and a lot like a married couple, clearly both love and hate each other; and I must say, they exhibit a rather sweet and fetching and warm tolerant intolerance of each other at the moment, and surely that kind of thing could only occur in Forumshire, but I digress...

Look Eldo, I know you'll continue be hard on yourself, but remember, no matter how much you don't feel you'll ever deserve this accolade , you are good person. Good person? Doesn't sound very exciting? My personal view is that a genuinely good person is the best person of all! Yes, I know you think and feel too deeply, and are far to kind for your own good, and are far far too intelligent by very far indeed, but that's you all over, and therefore for reasons unknown to even the greatest minds, far too hard on yourself!!! Just try now and then to give yourself an even break. Even if only to leave some room for Odo to find criticisms of you.  

Anyway, I might have said this before, I do love you, even if you'll never love yourself. That's your burden. But enjoy the good days when you can and know you are truly admired by those who have come to know you. Yes, you are faulty, aren't we all, but not as faulty as you think you are. In my experience, the people who try the hardest to be decent and thoughtful are the hardest on themselves. So don't stop beating yourself up, that will probably be impossible for you, but I advise you to work hard at beating yourself up less often and less intensely, because, fucking hell, you of all people don't deserve it.

As to Amarie, I always suspected she had not given up her evil plans of conquering Forumshire. The worse thing is, I originally suggested her to you as a Mod - though you were already thinking the same thing - and i have now put my support behind her to run the place!   That's how cunning she is, her worst and most tireless adversary backing her for the job!   I've being saying for years that she's a witch!!!!! She will no doubt be a powerful and exotic Mistress, only evil and with more curves than you Eldo. That can't be good in the end...  

Btw good luck Amarie. You know, of course, though you are now my Dark Mistress who I must work now to remove from power, I nonetheless love you too, a bit like I love cocaine.  

Interesting times ahead. Interesting...

(Eldo, if you leave, I'll have to kill you. Always keep that in mind!)

yeah, totally agree Orwell. Eldo here is a good human fucking being. Kind (maybe even too kind for his own good at times ) and witty and charming and i am gonna stop now or i'll just make you cry (and myself). now go and be kind to yourself  i know you don't believe it, but you do deserve it and you are fucking worth it!

@bungo, thanks a lot, man. I appreciate the compliments and understanding. I hope to continue to see more of you around too; I've enjoyed seeing you climb up the most active posters list.

@malick, it means a ton to me how you always seem to read through my thousands-of-words posts and find positive things to say at the end of them. I love reading your posts as well, especially when you get in depth with a topic. I'm incredibly grateful for posters like you diving in and I hope you know that I think of you as every bit an integral part of Forumshire as anyone, even though we don't chat offsite.

@azriel, I'm glad that all my words meant something to you as well, and I thank you very much for what you say here (and in the stats thread a month ago). I really can't express right now everything I'm feeling but I'm very glad to have met you too and that you're continuing to play a big role in keeping this place going. It means a lot that you think highly of me.

@Radaghast: cheers, man. Thanks for posting that Army of the Dead thread earlier today, btw. I was not expecting to go ham quite like I did but it was fun to relive the old Purist Wars.

I'll be posting a long speech too, which maybe will settle some worries I am sure some are having.

And yes, Forumshire, I own you now.

Oh fuck me dead, Nora... it's too late now...

But you're right dear girlie-person. Fancy you being such a lovely person after all. And me thinking you a tough as reindeer leather Thuglyffe type!

See Eldo! Even hard nuts like Nora are like raspberry jelly in your hands. That surely must mean something.

Amarië wrote:I'll be posting a long speech too, which maybe will settle some worries I am sure some are having.

And yes, Forumshire, I own you now.

f

Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton? Or maybe a alchemical mix of both?

This isn't April 1st, is it.

But, nah, why be sad? You're sticking around, and the forum is going on.

And don't worry Eldo, "The wind is rising! . . . We must try to live!", right.

Amarië wrote:I'll be posting a long speech too, which maybe will settle some worries I am sure some are having.

And yes, Forumshire, I own you now.

well NOW i'm worried

Orwell wrote:Oh fuck me dead, Nora...  it's too late now...

But you're right dear girlie-person. Fancy you being such a lovely person after all. And me thinking you a tough as reindeer leather Thuglyffe type!

See Eldo! Even hard nuts like Nora are like raspberry jelly in your hands. That surely must mean something.

i will not fuck you dead, unless i have an abnormally large cactus 

aaah... shit it got top post...

*spluttersnortlaugh* Got to love this place!

Right, um, you know me Eldo, not to good at talking about stuff involving, well you know, feelings, emotions, that sort of unpalatable thing.
All I will add publicly to what I have already said in private is that you have impressed me from the very beginning and surprisingly only gone on to impress me ever more since that day- and as a crabbit old bastard I can tell you there ain't many do that. But you have.
The culture, the atmosphere, the tone of Forumshire, and even the sort of folk it attracts, are all down to you. This friendly, quirky, mad, fun, refuge we all call home on line is due to you- I will never fully express how grateful I am for that, or count how many darker moments this place has helped me pull through but I am glad it's here, and, I am glad it has the spirit and folks it does, and I owe that and meeting all of you to you Eldo.

So cheers to our ex-Admin Amarie will make a fine Admin, but she builds only on the foundations you have laid and they will always be an inextricable part of the forum.

Oh and if you do disappear altogether I will be joining Orwell's hunting party.

i'll join the hunting party with my sapmi-knives

Mister Eldorion, while your greatest critic, of course, I must concede that you were quite gracious to allude hintingly to my desire for Respectability - though I note you wrote 'disrespectability' without a capital. Small concern, I guess, in the totality of things.... You've done a fair job overall I guess, all things being equal, though, of course, not all people are equal, some being more equal than others, me myself being a rather fine - and gracious - example of that. I wish you a long and happy retirement from Administrationship. Though, frankly, you do seem to be going on a Forumshire Pension at an inordinately young age. Which brings me to finances. I see that Amarie has now taken over and that (according to some) she will be a Dark Mistress. I have worked formerly with the Mercer of Mordor, a difficult partner surely, so I have no doubt I can work with that (rumouredly) voluptuous and canny lady. So long as my Forumshire enterprises are not interfered with and we all get to see the Forumshire books, especially in regard to said Pension, mentioned above.

Anyway Young Sir, my lukewarmest regards, and good luck in your retirement.

I would bring your attention to a typographical error, Young Sir. That should be Odo and Orwell, not Odo/Orwell. Though why in the first instance associate him with anything good here - and not most things bad - is for me the greatest puzzle.

Oh geez, Norc and Orwell, I am honestly tearing up here (and then I started laughing simultaneously when I got to the end of Orwell's post). I was not expecting this level of emotional intensity, though it's a good cathartic kind. Shit, you guys know what I'm like. Lemme try to respond though.

Nora, you are one of my favorite people in the world, I hope that your self-image will even out a bit as you continue through college and eventually find your path. As someone who has rarely felt all that comfortable around people my own age, it meant so much to find a friend like you almost exactly the same age who I clicked so well with. I'm glad that the forum has meant so much to you as well. I've primarily had my own experience to guide me but I think that, for all our differences and geographical distance, there are some common themes in what draws people to here.

I've been trying to trust everyone who tells me to talk to them when I need it recently, and I've needed it a lot, but you are probably the person I've talked with the most, except maybe my parents. I know I keep saying this but I am so grateful for that, and for you gently correcting my thinking when my warped perceptions of myself and the world start twisting things up for me. I have been pessimistic about the idea of long-term recovery lately, but your faith and positivity is one of the main things that has kept me trying.

Many times in my life I have felt like I was trapped in a web of expectations and obligations that other people had for me. Sometimes this was true, sometimes it wasn't. But you are one of the most selfless people I have ever met and I think that has played a role in me starting to shed some of that mindset and think more freely and positively about what may lie in my future.

And for you to consistently remain a presence in my life, to put up with all my quirks and insecurities and awkwardness ... I know you're probably going to tell me not to talk about myself that way, but it's not something I would've believed if I'd been told about it before I met you. I can't believe how lucky I am. And yes, anyone who gets to know you this well is incredibly lucky, because you are amazing. Remember that.

And you know that I'll always be Norc's bitch.

Orwell, man, I'm really glad we've had the opportunity to talk so much recently, and especially that you have been posting more actively here. I know you have a lot of shit going IRL and I would never want to distract you from what's important there, but it means a lot to me to have you around and be able to talk with you so much. I have felt for years and years that you are one of the most understanding and perceptive people I have ever discussed my depression with. (I talk about this place with my family and you have no idea how much my mom loves you for being someone I can turn to. ) Your praise has always meant a ton to me because I have so much respect for you, and I really appreciate what you said about my post. I was hoping to go out on a rhetorical high note and I'm glad you think I did.

I hope you know I have never taken Odo's or the Bugle's criticism personally, I have always known it to be joking and it is consistently hilarious (though I like it when the Bugle goes after other targets too ). It means so much to me to read what you said about my role as admin. That's the sort of thing I have aimed for and hoped I was doing, and it's feels fantastic to hear from someone like you that I succeeded. I am very grateful for you having put forward Amarië's name for modship, and for everything you have done personally for the forum since your arrival here.

On the psychological front ... well, considering how pessimistic I've felt lately, hearing you put things that way means a lot. I don't want to invest as much in one single person as I have at times in the past (not great for relationships, that), but being part of a community in this way is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's something I first got a taste of when I was 14, but this forum and community is without a doubt the greatest I have ever been a part of. Spending all my life feeling isolated, fearful, desperate not to say or do the wrong thing and alienate others ... it is fucking night and day with the love and acceptance you guys offer. I only wish I knew better how to accept it gracefully.

I hope that I will one day find a way to root out the self-esteem issues. I feel I know where they come from, at least mostly, but having knowledge and awareness of my illness hasn't proven very effective in fighting it. Just about every day I wish I was different, feel insufficient and unworthy ... well, you know the drill. My mind keeps telling me that I'm a bad person. None of my counterarguments seem to work. But seeing the evidence of your guys' love and affection like this, not even the most warped part of my brain can find any other way to spin that. I am seriously in tears right now.

Thank you, both of you and everyone else, again from the bottom of my heart. For all the intensity of emotion right now I also feel sorta peaceful and safe. It's not a feeling I'm used to. But even the fleeting thought that it's something that might one day seem normal to me is like a bright light shining on my life right now.

Norc wrote:i'll join the hunting party with my sapmi-knives

Orwell just palantired me to say those knives look quite like the one the Sicarii used to assassinate Ananus. I can suggest A rather good law firm if you need one - at very reasonable expense.


Disclaimer: I do have a financial stake in said company of Banks, McOdo and Banks, Hobbiton Rises.

dearest you, you big ball of fluff!! i am running out of words soon but yeah you know me