Critics review 'The Battle of the Five Armies'

While I don't love Simon Gallagher's review, this section absolutely hit the nail on the head. It's the way I feel about AUJ and DOS, and will no doubt feel about BOTFA.

There’s no restraint at all, and the amount of slow motion and falsely heaped importance is embarrassing: as an audience we’re not invited to add our own emotional response, because Jackson has already manipulated those moments to death. He wants everyone to know how important this is as an event film, and it seems that at times he forgot to make it into just a film.

Rotten Tomatoes has fallen from 80 percent to 72 percent. Wednesday we will see the floodgates open and will get a good idea of where the movie will end up on the Tomatometer. Though, these things tend to drop once all the reviews are added. An average rating of 6.7/10 isn't a great sign, either. AUJ's average rating was 6.6, DOS's was 6.8.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_hobbit_the_battle_of_the_five_armies/

It would be very interesting if we saw our first and only rotten PJ Middle-earth movie. Although I think it's highly unlikely.

I can't imagine it gets much lower than 70%. RT's critics tended to like DOS more than AUJ, and BOFA sounds more in the vein of DOS (unsurprisingly).

Bluebottle wrote:If the Tolkien Estate sued over lottery machines...

Is that possible ? Think of the implications of that ?

parzival wrote:While I don't love Simon Gallagher's review, this section absolutely hit the nail on the head.  It's the way I feel about AUJ and DOS, and will no doubt feel about BOTFA.

There’s no restraint at all, and the amount of slow motion and falsely heaped importance is embarrassing: as an audience we’re not invited to add our own emotional response, because Jackson has already manipulated those moments to death. He wants everyone to know how important this is as an event film, and it seems that at times he forgot to make it into just a film.

Quite true. Peejers was so busy saying 'look at this, its great, but they dont hurt themselves' or whatever the scene consisted of that in his childish vanity he totally fooking forgot that people can work things out, AND, enjoy working things out ! We LIKE to feel emotions, good or bad. We like to feel our senses tingle alive. What we dont like is boredom. Its mind numbing, it shuts down your system & you FALL ASLEEP PEEJERS ! IF I was stupid enough to hand over in my brainwashed state, money to see these last few films, Id take in a stapler, & every time I felt myself drift off Id stab myself !

Eldorion wrote:The most famous sex scene Boorman proposed was between Frodo and Galadriel.

Go on and marinate on that for a minute.

marinating with a hint of peppermint jus.

halfwise wrote:From Nicholas Barber's review for the BBC:

There aren’t many film productions which would go to the effort of engraving the toggles on either end of a dwarf’s moustache...The fact is, though, that if you find your attention wandering to moustache jewellery in the middle of a climactic fight to the death, it’s a sign that the film you’re watching isn’t very gripping.

I love how the reviewers seem to be competing with each other for new ways to make PJ go "Ouch!".

I got distracted in Elronds bedroom. it was the Elvish interior decoration wot done it.

Are you trying to say you didn't find Elrond suitably "gripping"?

It was the feel of his steel that made her feel real,
tho his tickily beard,long,shaggy & weird,
that reached to his knees, all rugged & breezed,
made her giggle with delight, as he showed her a sight,
that few do not know.
It wasnt an axe,or a lance or a bow,
or hairs that he had on each little toe,
But it hung with satins, & velvets, & drapes,
with furs & Oak & art Deco grapes,
To a detailed panelling of a crest by the fire,
that got her all stewed up, her pulse getting higher.
It was his coarse grainy hand that led her there,
deep in the woods, up to his lair,
She sighed such a sigh,as the sun dipped low
And said with a grin, "'ere lad, I dun arf lurv your Art Nouveau " !  

Art Nouveau is my delight
give me some & I am high as a kite
its sinewy curves and silvery bright
I like a man with a rugged mush
quick thrutch in an aesthetic bush
Dunedain are known to have thrush
its the mouldy trews that brews
all manner of spores in their drawers

"ts the mouldy trews that brews
all manner of spores in their drawers"

Petty ?

he doesn't wear trews.

No, but there could be mould ?

I reset the implication I would ever confine my Scotshobbit manliness within any sort of trews, mouldy or otherwise!
Let it all hang free as Eru intended (Also works as an excellent weather barometer)

Mark Kermode ( a Critic I normally agree with) has posted his review, he isn't a hardcore fan of the source material, but wasn't overkeen on the film anyway:

http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/dec/14/the-hobbit-battle-five-armies-review-middling-finale-middle-earth

I dont even bother looking at the trailers for BOT5A so how the fook am I supposed to sit thru the film ?? I read reviews with teasers enclosed & I dont bother to look, my interest has reached rock bottom & no amount of peejers stupid ideas will lift it, you'de be better off raising the Titanic & have a better job doing it !

That's the spirit Az! Keep your expectations in the sewer and you won't be disappointed!

Abso-bloody-lutely

malickfan wrote:Mark Kermode ( a Critic I normally agree with) has posted his review, he isn't a hardcore fan of the source material, but wasn't overkeen on the film anyway:

http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/dec/14/the-hobbit-battle-five-armies-review-middling-finale-middle-earth

I don't always agree with Kermode but I tend to his take on movies interesting. That was a good review, he was honestly a little more positive about the film than I expected him to be. His summary of the evolution of the project wasn't entirely accurate (the Appendices were already gonna be included in GDT's version), but I do agree that The Hobbit films were setting themselves up to disappoint by positioning themselves almost solely as follow-ups to LOTR, which engenders a sort of been-there, done-that feeling. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that not even PJ's most fevered action sequences could make the events onscreen feel bigger and more earth-shaking than LOTR, neither in terms of the internal consequences for Middle-earth or the movies' place in cinematic history.

its quite bizarre when you think of it. we are supposed to be emotionally caught up with some Eveready Dwarven bunnies who have about two lines each in 9 hours of film. One glowering monosyllabic graceless man-dwarf with zero personality and mono-mania. One nose twitching non entity with a nice line in murdering innocent creatures, one parody elf with invisible bungee-line, one token Buffy-the-OrcSlayer with a hairline like a Turkish Transexual wrestler and they expect us to be blubbing into our popcorn??

I think not.

Oh I dont know Figg- Im crying tears of crabbit that Tolkiens Hobbit book for children could have come to this.

Im crying tears over what you said Figgs

Rotten Tomatoes just got a hefty dump of rotten reviews. Currently standing at 64 percent.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_hobbit_the_battle_of_the_five_armies/

That rotten PJ Middle-earth movie isn't far away, now.

bungobaggins wrote:Rotten Tomatoes just got a hefty dump of rotten reviews. Currently standing at 64 percent.

http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/the_hobbit_the_battle_of_the_five_armies/

That rotten PJ Middle-earth movie isn't far away, now.

You never know you might end up Loving it lol

zomg legolasss is so hottt, luv thorinz beard!!!!1!! LOL