In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

Eldorion wrote:I'm not familiar with any of Lilly's work outside of TH, but she seemed pretty good to me.  She was just stuck trying to make do with crap material.  It especially sucks for her since she'd been promised that there would be no love triangles when they hired her.

She was great in Lost, I think, and her acting was good enough. The problem was the script, like you say.

Mrs Figg wrote:I think it was Halfy who asked will watching DROSS effect our view of LOTR. Well it wont change my liking of LOTR, but it will effect how I look at PJ. I dont know what went wrong, how could he be capable of such second rate pap? has he lost what creative spark he once had?, was he just bored of it all?, I dont admire him now, although I will always admire and defend LOTR. It makes me think that before (10 years ago) he could have been in more of a collaboration with equaliy talented people who put a brake on the excess and channelled the creativity into something great, and this time he had total control/power and therefore no one to tell him to stop therefore it became all the worst aspects puffed up into a big ball of bloat? who the heck knows, but I dont trust his judgement any more, its mediocre drivel.

I'm so glad you're here, Mrs Figg - it's nice to have someone here I agree with 100% on both trilogies

I am glad too Ringo  

I think we all are.  

After being forced to watch DOS by Pure PUbilcations I felt the only suitable response to having witnessed what I did was to make the review as painful and as long as the film was to watch, this being the only way to do is true horror equal justice.

So pour a lot of buckie and settle in, this wont be quick, or painless-

DOS- NotP official review.


Preamble-

Petty- “I ain't going and you cant make me go! What do you mean its in my contract? No, its not, I checked, all it says is I have to review DrOS, nothing about having to watch it first.
What? Oh yes I think I can review it without seeing it. I guessed half of what PJ would do to it when it was still a twinkle in Del Toro's eyes.

What do you mean you anticipated? Anticipated what? Hey! Let go!!!

Fuck off you bastards I don’t want to have my childhood ruined!!! Untie me!!!

I'll get you for this!!!”


(Once Petty was secured in a special booth designed to reduce fall out from crabbit explosions, and to prevent him looking away from the screen, the film was begun with Petty's rambling thoughts recorded by NotP Crabbit Boffins and a bank of crabbit meters with extra insulation in case of overloads.)


Boffins – crabbit levels began high at the sight of PJ mugging a cameo and Petty attempts to escape but was secured and the straps tightened.- here are is thoughts as recorded fromthat point on.

Bree- hey isn't this scene in the UT?! Which PJ doesn’t have rights to so he is going to make shit up again isn’t he?
Ok- it was raining when they arrived in Bree in Fellowship, and I liked that cause the book says it was, but it doesn’t always fucking rain, and the sun does actually come up you know, its not like if it wasn’t dark and raining people would think it was somewhere else, especially not when you put an obsolete caption up saying where it is!!
How stupid does Pj think we are?
Ok on the evidence of this film so far, pretty stupid.

Why is their always a clichéd crackling crone in inns?

Hey that’s a hobbit in the Prancing Pony isn’t it, and there' another one!- so where the fuck were all the hobbits in FotR PJ?

-Dangerous crabbit spike recorded-

I mean one or the other but at least be consistent with your previous films.

Is that Bill Ferny cameoing in the wrong film. Sticking in him here Pj does not absolve from cocking up the FoTR script!!

Oh dear its Thorin looking like a normal sized person shrunk down by special effects- what is it about him that seems to undwarfish? (Apart from the beard obviously) I just don’t buy his height is anything other then the product of sfx, and for all the fault of PJ's LotR's and some of the scaling issues in certain parts it was generally convincing enough you forgot all about the trickery most of the time, yet whenever I see Thorin my mind screams special effect. Something weird with composting?

Oh plot! Not sure whose, certainly isn’t Tolkien's plot but its a plot. Quite a lot of plot, that doesn’t seem to fit with the first film or make sense, so no change there.

“what brings Thorin Oakenshield to Bree?” 'What apart from, the fact its one of the main stopping points when travelling to his home in the Mountains you mean Gandalf? Something anyone who glances at the map you will inevitably include with dvd/blue rays can easily see?'

Hell there was a whole party of dwarves there when Frodo was staying.
Dwarves are common at the Pony!
Does the Coven know anything at all?!

Why is Thorin sure Thrain still lives when he was so convinced Azog, who he only saw wounded, is dead?

Oh yeah, cause PJ's Thorin is a fucking idiot, I forgot!

“For legal reason this is no chance meeting is it?”

“No, no its not, if we say it is we will get sued”

“Would it not be better then not to have bothered including bits we cant use and to have focused on the story we should be telling rather than just sitting here making up a lot of shit?”

Wasn't Gandalf surprised to find someone was following them in AUJ and demanded to know if Thorin had told anyone- yet here he has a letter in Black Speech saying they are following him?- oh for fucks sake Coven, it was only last year and you wrote the first one!!!

I cant believe there is a glaring plot hole already and its not even five minutes in yet!!

I want to go the pub!!

So let me get this right- if Thorin goes and says to the dwarves- 'we have a chance to retake the kingdom of Erebor with the aid of Gandalf the Grey. If we do not he is certain much greater evil will befall all the peoples of Middle Earth, but we have a chance to save us all! What say you?'

They reply, “Have you got a big sparkly jewel?”

“What the one that’s in the mountain I need your aid to reclaim for the greater good of all?”

“Yeah that one?”

“Well no, we have to go to the mountain to get it.”

“Nah, we'll not bother then, not unless you have a big sparkly stone we just wont be arsed at all.”


And having just established that there is no point trying to get the dwarves to back him without the Arkenstone, Thorin then goes to try to get them to back him without the Arkenstone, because thats what he said he had been doing when he arrives at Bag End.
Do they even pay attention to what they themselves wrote last time? Do they think we have just forgotten the plot they presented?
Its bad enough they rewrite Tolkien, now they are rewriting themselves in the middle of the story.

Let me out!!!!!! I don't want to see any more!!

(At this point the first of many injections of pure buckie had to be given to prevent the crabbit meters from overheating and exploding)


Hey its Bilbo! We are finally going to get on with story of Bilbo!

Oh no wait he is just there for exposition and to move the plot swiftly along.

So Azog the hastily Conceived Idea is still pursuing them, badly.

I don’t know why wargs bother sniffing they appear to have no sense of smell.

“He will help us or kill us?”

Well then Gandalf best come up with a plan that is inventive, witty and will appeal to Beorn's nature, without provoking him.

Or alternatively you could just run like buggery whilst being chased in an action sequence and attempt to get into Beorn's by bashing your heads of his front door. As obviously with the artisans, smiths, toy makers ect that supposedly make up this Pj dwarven ensemble, none of them but Thorin has ever encounter anything as fiendishly difficult as an unlocked door closed with a simple door latch before.

More Buckie! PJ is using a door latch to increase dramatic tension!! Not even a locked door, or a barred door, just an open door with a simple latch. Help!!


Is that meant to be a bear? Seriously? I always expected him in bear form to look a lot more, well, like a big bear. I always assumed the clue was in the description. Was even that too much to ask PJ.

So what was Gandalf's plan here? To see if he could really piss off Beorn as much as possible?

Bombur overtaking everyone else-

-the first drop in crabbit levels is recorded since the film began-

a fat joke, and one that’s not in the book, but is lightly humorous, doesn’t involve farting burping or anyone dying and it will make adults smile and children laugh- how did that slip in there? Was Pj ill that day?

Still not sure how an old man and 14 short people can outrun a pack of wargs running at full speed either, but as with most things here it seems its best just to try not to notice.
I might need more buckie for that.

And having tried to squeeze Beorns bear/wolf/elephant face off in his own door, that should make him friendly, they all, go to sleep. And wasn’t it the middle of the day a moment ago when they were running? Are they getting back up at night?



Seriously, your ending this scene here PJ, thats as bad as where you end the scene in FotR when Frodo first speaks to Strider.

Ah well at least we are getting something of Bilbo. Oh no wait its Azogs turn.

Hey an even meaner looking warg he must be important. Is that Bolg? Or do all big bad orc just look the same these days?IE nothing like any of the other ones or any of the orcs in LotR's.

Dol Guldur. I have a bad feeling about this and its not being caused by clever scripting.


Thank Eru for that its Bilbo.

Oh for fucks sake its just so PJ can further his Necro story by tying the Ring back in- this scene is in the wrong film!!!

And straight back to the more important tale of Azog.

Whooo! How exciting. Its a fully ci scene between Azog and a cloud. Its nothing at all like watching an expensive cut-scene in a game at all, honestly, nothing like it. Go on admit it this is really the trailer for the new Gods of War game on ps4 isnt' it?

And is that really what Sauron dos all day- sits repeating the Ring verse in Black Speech to himself just in case anyone has to dramatical cut to him at some point?


Its Bolg! Design no.423 (rushed version) Hey Ive seen that face before! Evil Dead 2!


And back to Bilbo, no wait Beorn-

-another rare dip in crabbit-levels-

I didn’t mind that transformation! Sort of silhouetted, looked quite faery tale. Should have stopped at human though and not gone right on to Sonic the Hedgehog.

Ok so its morning now? So they just slept the previous day and all night and Beorn never tried to come home? Is it no ones job on these films to check the continuity?


Bees! Would have been better to see them in the gardens with hives but got to leap on small morsels here!

So when he changes to a bear does he keep the shackles on? Are they magically expanding shackles, or magically appearing disappearing ones? Or doe she have to go look for them afterwards ever time he has changed?

And the Last of His Kind- you can fix that with a TARDIS and 12 other versions of yourself you know.


So Beorn furthers the Necro plot- was Bibo even in that scene?- and then squeezes a dead fish to appear threatening (how low you sink Coven to desperately seek out fake drama) before being nice and exiting stage left.

Well that’s him well impressed upon the viewers mind so they cant forget about him and will be anxious to see him again, such an impact he has made. Easy to see why he is many peoples favourite character in the book from this representation.
Beorn, destined hereafter to be known as, 'oh yeah the guy at the start of the second film, I'd forgotten about him.'

Arrival at Mirkwood brings an unexpected dip in levels when Gandalf spots Beorn and instructs them to release the ponies, its the first and only time anything to do with Beorn has vaguely felt reminiscent of the books character.

At least we might get some Bilbo character stuff- oh no. its just to highlight the Ring again and the whole Necromancer thing.

And now its the ME telepathic message service that is Galadriel- otherwise known as the stuff from the WC in AUJ about Thrain that was cut at the last minute and now is clumsily being inserted here.

PJ has no cutting room floor, it all ends up in there eventually, whether it makes sense or not.


So Galadriel tells Gandalf to beware of the Necromancer, because 'he is not what he seems'- the little tease, what is she playing at?- if she thinks he is not what he seems why doesn’t she at least tell him what she does think he seems like? What a shitty thing to do? Its as if its just for the audience and to make an instant air of mystery about something when there is no logical reason in the story to it being kept a mystery.

And then she sends him to High Fells, back on the other side of the fucking mountains! And if she is sending him there she must have a clue what is there for him to go and see, so why not just tell him? Oh yes, more artificial mystery and drama because there script has none of the real sorts. And when did Galadriel become the Riddler of the WC?

That was pathetically bad.


-emergency increases in buckie were required at this point and two of the bank of crabbit meters suffered burn outs and had to be replaced-

“What did you find?”

“A plot device from another film that’s ruining this one.”

And off goes Gandalf (presumably to be back in about two months time given the journey and f he hurries, into territory its now very strongly been established is undergoing a bit of an orc revival.


As to Mirkwood, well its a scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, would even make a decent scene in such a film, but in the book there is an enchanted stream. Important word, enchanted.

Mirkwood is enchanted. Its the sort of place where you can be led astray following the fires of dancing elves beneath the trees, or fall foul of a nightmarish monster in spider form. See a beautiful mysterious white stag. Or stumble into a stream and into an endless sleep and dreams of food. Its an enchanted place.
I've tripped a lot in my time, and trips are many, many things, but I'd never call them enchanting. Nor was this one PJ presents and that’s its main fault (well as well as being missing all of the mentioned stuff above from the book)

So spiders! And Bilbo is captured but immediately upon waking up thinks to stab it through with Sting- bet the other dwarves wish they'd thought of trying to do that with their weapons when they woke up too. Fortunately they have a hobbit who reacts to most things so far by pointing his sword at them and who already has a few kills under his belt.


He is also as it turns out the sort of killer who will take off an invisible ring just so his enemy can see who it is is killing them.

Yeah, that’s the guy from the book all right.

There can't seriously still be two hours of this go can there! Let me go! This is inhumane!!!

-Boffins were becoming concerned that they had both underestimated how much buckie would be needed to see the entire film through as well as just how poorly constructed a film Petty would be faced with viewing. Nevertheless it was at this point necessary to increase buckie levels once more in order to prevent further damage to equipment-

“Sting! Of course by now it could have been goblin killer, warg cleaver, giant bear/elephant threatener, but yeah I wait till now and pick this, what the fourth or fifth kill I've made to pick a name for it based on what its killed. I wish that had been my first kill like in the book and it had meant something.”

And then he goes psychopathic in furtherance of connecting this mess to LotR's.

Cue the arrival of someone performing completely impossible physical feats in any universe, and once again proving if all elves are like Legolas then they are an unstoppable fighting force no foe in ME could ever hope to conquer and about 200 of them could take out any army Sauron cared to offer.
But don’t think about that, look at him go!

And he's an even bigger dick than he was before but get used to it as it will be driven home to you mercilessly in what is pathetically being offered up as his character development, and judging from his weird physical appearance he has gone from the most wooden performer to the most plastic. Well done there.

And this time there is two of them, but the other has tits. Which is just as well as otherwise you'd never tell them apart in a fight.

And how come when speaking in Elvish Legolas looks at the blade and clearly says Gondolin, yet Gondolin doesn’t appear in the subtitles? What's going on there?

And so they all head off to the Elven Kings Health and Safety nightmare halls. Where if you want to get from one side of a relatively large room to its other side you have to a take a bizarrely unnecessary winding route across the space on a thin pathway taking much longer to get anywhere- I'd hate to be going out to do the shopping there.

Then some quick carry on film style knob gags between Fili, ori it Kili, and Tauriel and some exposition about the halls from Balin, which at least gives him something to do in this film, for the first time I think and it son to Scarface. Sorry Thranduil and Son (just picture him and Legolas together an then hear the steptoe and son music in your head it will at least make you smile).
Anyway he makes Thorin and offer he should and can refuse- give me some jewels and I will help- given he is an Elven Lord with an elven host at his command made up of unbeatable superbeings like Legolas and Tauriel, offering to just let them go as being 'help' in defeating a dragon is a pretty fucking shitty offer.

If this scene is meant to demonstrate Thorins righteousness or his greed it fails right there- its a shit offer. Id turn it down and be expecting the conversation to continue with a bit of haggling and negotiation. Its such a poor offer you would just assume it was only the opening bid.

Instead Thorin is off to the dungeons where he can rant a bit and Balin and can look wise about it (even though in Rivendell over the map he was just as big an arsehole to Elrond as Thorin was, so where did this conversion to wisdom over elves come from on he journey, in his offscreen quick moments?)Then for some reason that made me laugh he channels Princess Lea. Bilbo Baggins, You are our only hope.

Talking of Bilbo, remember him? Look there he is, well ok he has the Ring on so you cant see him, but that’s ok nor can the script has he is only here to introduce a scene with Tauriel and Thranduil. Dont mind Bilbo, he will just skulk about in the corners for a bit more.


-At this point in proceedings extra strapping was required to prevent Petty from getting up and leaving-


Thranduil, Tauriel and the first connection in the love triangle meets Romeo and Juliet silvan elf class issue now unfolds.
So PJ class is fine if elves have it but even when its central to hobbit society and Frodo and Sam's character arc you cut it out claiming people cant relate to it!! You FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!


-Petty required so much buckie injected simultaneously at this point that he was almost rendered unconscious, fortunately he was jolted back out of it by the appallingness of what he was witnessing-

In his cell Kili, or maybe its Fili, is wishig the Coven had thought of this story line earlier, then he could have been seen holding that stone at the campfire scenes previously rather than just bringing it in signposted clumsily now.
Such is the nature of scriptwriting when you make up on the spot without time for thought.

This scene, putting aside the awfulness of the entire premise, the way it has been introduced and set up, is Tauriel's best so far, the dialogue whilst awkward has at least far off glimpses of things Tolkien, very far off granted, but there. Taken assuch a scene in a blockbuster film it could have been ok, until it gets to the end, where it just peters out. The scene has no end, it doesn’t cut away, the camera just wanders off as if bored of them as they continue to ramble on.They cant even be bothered to write a whole scene why should I be bothered to care?

Back to Bilbo, yes he is in this still. And he is even actually doing something book related- spying out the wine cellar, stealing keys and letting the dwarves go- this is as good as this film has got so far, and then it goes and ruins it all with the improbable, ridiculous,over the top, over long, endlessly dull cgi inhabited, physics absent world of the ME barrel ride.

Its the most depressing sequence in the entire first half of the film undermining all sense of drama, any sense of jeopardy whatsoever for anyone, not in the slightest bit counterbalanced by the rather lame injury to Fili or maybe Kili at the end of it by another dubious LotR's tie in.
Its also unnecessary and gratuitously violent- the entire Battle of the Pelannor had less graphic deaths than one sequence.

And how come Legolas fights much better, even more preposterously and kills more than ever does so the walls of Helms Deep? I assume these films are supposed to fit together in some fashion or what is the bloody point of ruining the original story with it all?

People did laugh at the Bombur barrel fighting bit, but it was the nervous embarrassed laughs of those who thought the whole thing was just ridiculous.
And the same was true of Legolas's head standing antics.
The laughter had definitely by then become derisory in the cinema.

And thats not to mention the incontinences of cgi quality and the extra appearing barrel for Bombur.

Its acceptable enough if you are four and think you are watching a cartoon, from which it is indistinguishable in its logic.

And just in case what with a whole five minutes of Bilbo stealing keys and stuff this was going to suddenly remember who it was supposed to be about, we are off to find out what Gandalf is up to.

Incidentally why are the High Fells apparently part of a huge mountain range? A fell is- 'a hill or stretch of high moorland, especially in northern England.' So why is Gandalf climbing a fucking mountain?!

Right so if Gandalf says the Nine have been summoned to Dol Guldur, how come in FotR Saruman has to tell him the Nine are back and looking for the Ring?

And why is the dialogue so bad in this scene?


And so its back to the barrels and the debarreling, with not a line of dialogue for or about Bilbo we are then introduced to Bard the Younger. Who is to bows what Legolas is to knives. Unbelievable.

Balin, as the only other dwarf except for Thorin allowed screen time gets to negotiate passage to Lake Town.

And lets ignore Bilbo some more and go back to the elves who are interogating an orc and then cutting deals with it then murdering and breaking their oaths, between and this and Aragorn treatment of the Mordor Ambassador under parley what is PJ trying to say to his audience?- fuck words and negotiations just try to hack the bastards head off before he does yours?

I think we get some Azog, sorry Bolg the interchangable in there somewhere too and Leggy chasing after Tauriel, before hope returns that Bilbo might yet get more than one proper scene in his own film as we go to Laketown. Which is run by a pantomime villain version of Stalin and his sidekick Wormtongue, sorry Alfrid.

I mean did they even have to dress him similar to Wormtongue?

And good to see the people of Laketown at least have equalled the Greeks by apparently coming up with the notion of the first ME democratically elected government.

All in aid, apparently ,of having a reason for the Master to view Bard as a potential threat an great some more fake drama out of thin air in one conversation with no sense nor reason to it.


The Lakee town section has literal toilet humour, but more importantly an excuse for why Smaug will not have a jewelled belly, or a bare patch. Instead we get the tale of Giirlion, and his black arrow ballista machine and that he knocked a scale off with his last shot.
But of course the dwarves say its a fairy tale, you know just like Thorin thought Azog was dead.

After a misguided armoury break in and a bit of rabble rousing by Thorin about the future and some gloominess from Bard about consequences the dwarves are allowed to go on heir way. But with a wounded Kili or Fili staying behind and Bofur who apparently jut got forgotten bout.

And finally and exhaustingly we get to the Desolation of Smaug, we know this because they name check the title as soon as they get there.

Bilbo finally gets something to do again, oh no wait he just asks about Gadalf as an excuse to cut to Gandalf at Dol Guldur.
I do keep falling for thinking he is going to be in this film.


Gandalf sends Radagast back to Galadriel with a message and heads off into Dol Guldur and the orcs try to look threatening. And Ganalf tries not to look like bad cgi and fails- whats with that?

Back at the mountain the dwarves and Bilbo are looking for the door. Which turns out to be at the top of a massive staircase for dramatic purposes.

When things don’t go to plan the dwarves all just give up entirely and go off crying.
Stupid as this is it does allow Bilbo do actually do something and in what is probably is best section in the film to this point he gets to work out the riddle of the door.
And in a film short on its central character anything half decent involving Bilbo has to be embraced.

Its slightly ruined by a need for exposition yet again from Balin master of exposition, on the Arkenstone.
Its turns the triumph of the door into something a bit plodding again just when it was getting interesting again after Laketown and actually about Bilbo.


Bilbo and Balin finally get a decetn moment together before Bilbo heads down into the mountain and to Smaug specifically to steal the Arkenstone- this change from book means Bilbo knows exactly what it is he has, and what it means to Thorin before he takes it.

.But in case we were enjoying seeing Bilbo again it goes back to Dol Gudur, where Gandalf is putting on some magic moves (including I noted on a half collapsed bridge, again) and revealing the Necromancer. And if he can do all that fighting shit how come he never bothers again in LotR's when the stakes are even higher supposedly?

I know Boyens said she wanted female energy in this I had no idea she meant in the form of a huge flaming vagina.

Gandalf gets to lose his staff, again and be imprisoned somewhere up high again. And then the vagina decides to appear in a flashing repeating image as he did at the battle of the First Alliance which Gandalf cries 'Sauron'. In case the LotR's references weren’t overpowered enough.

Finally, after what someone feels like longer than all the LotR's films together we get one of the books most iconic scenes- the conversation with Smaug.
And even PJ cant leave Bilbo out of this one!

One immediate problem is one of the reasons for picking a hobbit is they can move quietly. Not that I am not saying he should be able to move over heaps of gold without stirring any, but he should be able to do it better than a clumsy human would.

There is also the rather obvious question of why he did not put the Ring on before he went into the main chamber?


And there is a feeling that no matter how much the effect speople piled on the gold Pj just came along at the end of each day and shouted “More gold” until the amount presented wanders off into ridiculous.

The conversation that ensues rather form being from the book is inspired by phrases from the book, but its still the best thing in the film not served by well by cutting away just when it was getting interesting to laketown, as if PJ is afraid two characters talking will send his attention deficit audience to sleep.

Its presumably for the same reason that Bilbo spends a notable amount time in their conversation falling and sliding on heaps and heaps of gold, he is barely static as he tries to get the Arkenstone that keeps getting further away from him no matter how far he seems to slide himself.

I was also confused and think I must have missed something regards Bard, as he now seems to be a wanted man is being pursued wherever he goes by the Masters men. Which begs the question why didnt they just go get him at his house in the last scene?

However the excuse its all really just there so Pj can get away from all that boring talking stuff with Bilbo and Smaug and have an action fight scene.

And when it does go back to the conversation its all taken a turn to LotR's with Smaug having a surprising amount of knowledge about what Sauron is up to, offering another chance to cut away to show Dol Guldur and orcs entering laketown before going back to Bilbo.

Mysteriously its only when Smaug is about to attack that Bilbo decides it might be a good idea to be invincible, but even then he takes it back ff almost immediately he has run ound a corner.

And how did he get back to the same stairs he came in when he seemed to have slide half a mile on a pile of gold since then?


Back in lake town orcs are attacking and Tauriel is pretending to be Arwen from FotR by curing Kili, or Fili exactly the same fucking way!!! And they even recycle the “its just a dream” line from Aragorn.

Frodo only saw the glowly halo because he was slipping into the Rings power, not just because of the wound.

Back in the mountain Thorin has a plan.
If you’ve ever played the first Gears of War game you may remember a bit where a huge brutish troll like thing has you trapped in a large room, every so often it charges at you and you have to use its own stupidity and limited AI against it so it bashes in things you want it to allowing you to escape and it to die.

Thorin's plan and the immensely overlong action sequences that follow are basically that on a grand and much more expensive scale and with dragon fire instead of head bashing. But its basically the same- a film with the same plot as a mindless shooter boss level design.
But no more interesting that watching someone else play Gears of War.

Its inter cut with Legolas showing up in Laketown and doing what Legolas does- ruin any sense of peril n a film.

There is probably a good drinking game if you take a drink for every time Smaug could easily kill someone but inexplicably doesn't.

Smaug the magnificent? Smaug the bloody stupid more like. If this was a game you'd complain about the enemy AI.
We also get to see the dwarves mines in action, oddly reminiscent of a certain SW film, I kept expecting to see C3PO pop up on the production line.
But the very fact it made me think I was looking at a scifi mine was a but of a problem in believability. Although in fairness that left at the start of the film.

Smaug gets to be temporary and pointlessly golden in a very literal sense for no real reason the goe off to get Laketown.
The End.

-At this point Petty was released from the straps and attacked three boffins-


To sum up, its messily paced, events are cut an pasted into the narrative what were never designed to be there and often no longer make physical or narrative sense. It seems to completely balls up the timeline between events here and in FotR or make Gandalf and the WC the stupidest people on the planet.
Bilbo is barely in and worst of all it lacks beauty.
Oh there are nice sets and stuff, but barring the scene with Bilbo above the forest canopy there is no beauty in this film.
Everywhere is grim and run down, or cold and disant, aloof and threatening.
There are no beautiful gardens of Beorn with the bees hives. There are no happy people in Laketown, no real warmth in anything anyone.
Its all so unTolkien its hard to find any genuine feeling for it whilst watching save despair for the story that could have been.


Not so much 0 buckie barrels out of 5 as 'oh no some bastard has pissed and shat in all the barrels'

One I saw I had read two screens and was still only 5 minutes into the movie, I gave up. I think my family will drag me to see it over christmas break, I may as well save all the suffering for then.   

Pettytyrant101 wrote:“I ain't going and you cant make me go! What do you mean its in my contract? No, its not, I checked, all it says is I have to review DrOS, nothing about having to watch it first.

Okay, before I read any further...

Pettytyrant101 wrote: its not like if it wasn’t dark and raining people would think it was somewhere else, especially not when you put an obsolete caption up saying where it is!!
How stupid does Pj think we are?
Ok on the evidence of this film so far, pretty stupid.


Oh plot! Not sure whose, certainly isn’t Tolkien's plot but its a plot. Quite a lot of plot, that doesn’t seem to fit with the first film or make sense, so no change there.

“what brings Thorin Oakenshield to Bree?” 'What apart from, the fact its one of the main stopping points when travelling to his home in the Mountains you mean Gandalf? Something anyone who glances at the map you will inevitably include with dvd/blue rays can easily see?'

So let me get this right- if Thorin goes and says to the dwarves- 'we have a chance to retake the kingdom of Erebor with the aid of Gandalf the Grey. If we do not he is certain much greater evil will befall all the peoples of Middle Earth, but we have a chance to save us all!  What say you?'

They reply, “Have you got a big sparkly jewel?”

“What the one that’s in the mountain I need your aid to reclaim for the greater good of all?”

“Yeah that one?”

“Well no, we have to go to the mountain to get it.”

“Nah, we'll not bother then, not unless you have  a big sparkly stone we just wont be arsed at all.”


And having just established that there is no point trying to get the dwarves to back him without the Arkenstone, Thorin then goes to try to get them to back him without the Arkenstone, because thats what he said he had been doing when he arrives at Bag End.
Do they even pay attention to what they themselves wrote last time? Do they think we have just forgotten the plot they presented?
Its bad enough they rewrite Tolkien, now they are rewriting themselves in the middle of the story.

So when he changes to a bear does he keep the shackles on? Are they magically expanding shackles, or magically appearing disappearing ones? Or doe she have to go look for them afterwards ever time he has changed?         


And then she sends him to High Fells, back on the other side of the fucking mountains! And if she is sending him there she must have a clue what is there for him to go and see, so why not just tell him? Oh yes, more artificial mystery and drama because there script has none of the real sorts. And when did Galadriel become the Riddler of the WC?

That was pathetically bad.

“Sting! Of course by now it could have been goblin killer, warg  cleaver, giant bear/elephant threatener, but yeah I wait till now and pick this, what the fourth or fifth kill I've made to pick a name for it based on what its killed. I wish that had been my first kill like in the book and it had meant something.”   

And he's an even bigger dick than he was before but get used to it as it will be driven home to you mercilessly in what is pathetically being offered up as his character development, and judging from his weird physical appearance he has gone from the most wooden performer to the most plastic. Well done there.

And how come when speaking in Elvish Legolas looks at the blade and clearly says Gondolin, yet Gondolin doesn’t appear in the subtitles? What's going on there?

-Oh YEAH! Gondolin! You know that City Legolas knows all about, given he has travelled outside Mirkwood many times before.

And how come Legolas fights much better, even more preposterously and kills more than ever does so the walls of Helms Deep? I assume these films are supposed to fit together in some fashion or what is the bloody point of ruining the original story with it all?

And thats not to mention the incontinences of cgi quality and the extra appearing barrel for Bombur-good point!       

Incidentally why are the High Fells apparently part of a huge mountain range? A fell is- 'a hill or stretch of high moorland, especially in northern England.'  So why is Gandalf climbing a fucking mountain?!

-Coz there High?



Back at the mountain the dwarves and Bilbo are looking for the door. Which turns out to be at the top of a massive staircase for dramatic purposes.

-That's handy isn't it? Hidden as it everyone dies of exhaustion before they get there.

When things don’t go to plan the dwarves all just give up entirely and go off crying.

-As did my brain cells


I know Boyens said she wanted female energy in this I had no idea she meant in the form of a huge flaming vagina.
      

One immediate problem is one of the reasons for picking a hobbit is they can move quietly. Not that I am not saying he should be able to move over heaps of gold without stirring any, but he should be able to do it better than a clumsy human would.


The conversation that ensues rather form being from the book is inspired by phrases from the book, but its still the best thing in the film not served by well by cutting away just when it was getting interesting to laketown, as if PJ is afraid two characters talking will send his attention deficit audience to sleep.

And how did he get back to the same stairs he came in when he seemed to have slide half a mile on a pile of gold since then?

-Coz he's um...hairy?


Back in the mountain Thorin has a plan.
If you’ve ever played the first Gears of War game you may remember a bit where a huge brutish troll like thing has you trapped in a large room, every so often it charges at you and you have to use its own stupidity and limited AI against it so it bashes in things you want it to allowing you to escape and it to die.

Thorin's plan and the immensely overlong action sequences that follow are basically that on a grand and much more expensive scale and with dragon fire instead of head bashing. But its basically the same- a film with the same plot as a mindless shooter boss level design.

But no more interesting that watching someone else play Gears of War.

-I HATED Gears of War!!!


Smaug the magnificent? Smaug the bloody stupid more like.

      

Not so much 0 buckie barrels out of 5 as 'oh no some bastard has pissed and shat in all the barrels'

...Well, you were more posistive than I expected I have to say.

Did the look on your face walking out earn you a refund?

I    and I    your review was the unadulterated truth. There was no beauty in this film.   

Did the look on your face walking out earn you a refund?- Malick

The look on my face cleared the whole row I was sitting in before the halfway point.  

Its what struck me most by the end Mrs Figg. Its an ugly film in look, spirit and feel.
Tolkien was never cold, never had such a lack of appreciation for the beauty of a thing or a person.
I found the tone pervasively depressing from start to finish. And so unlike anything Tolkien.

Petty: It seems like you didn't enjoy the movie like I had hoped you would. Sorry my prediction was fruitless. However, I do get a certain sense that it didn't hurt you as much as previous coven attempts at filmcraft. If that would have been the case you could have been much more scathing because Eru knows there was a pile of ca ca the size of the dragons hoard that you could have quoted which was pathetic.

Well thank you for the laughs in any case. Your performance entertained the wife and I more than the movie by far. Whoops that doesn't sound right. I mean to say We enjoyed your review very much.

Mrs Figg wrote:I    and I     your review was the unadulterated truth. There was no beauty in this film.   

Same here. I laughed through the pain. Thanks for that review, PT. Somehow all the previous reviews didn't prepare me for how wretchedly awful this movie seems. And I can only say 'seems' because I haven't seen it.

But I feel I can safely say this film is an insult and to add further insult I've got to listen to so-called friends and family say how eager they are to see this and probably how much they liked it afterwards   

To all who posted reviews and have IMDb.com accounts, I hope you'll post them there and rank the movie accordingly. The average score needs to brought down   

Rad:

Sorry that I wasn't effective enough in my descriptions to communicate the depths of the ineptitude in this attempt of portraying TH in film. I could have given a much longer and more detailed rant but I was afraid to boar everyone more than I was already doing.

I empathize with your pain in having to listening to your loved ones praise and defend these films. My eldest boy 20 who read the book of course and liked it, went to the first TH film and came in talking about how he liked it and was visibly put off by his mothers and mine criticisms.
He said of course it isn't like the book but he forgave it because it was an adaptation. It shocked me because he is a very smart guy. He hasn't seen this film yet but I cringe to think of hear him saying he liked this one as well.

However, I may be spared that because his brother 17 yrs old who was also a defender after AUJ wrote this to his friends at faceville:

"So.... I'm normally the kind of person to like nearly every movie I see, even those that are just beat down by critics. That being said, I just got done watching the new Hobbit, and it is by far one of the worst movies I have seen in a long time.
And while there were many parts that annoyed me due to inconsistencies from the book, those shouldn't really count towards the quality of a movie, so I tried to ignore them.

However, even looking at it from the PoV that it's just a movie, it was just cringe worthy. However, I still recommend going to see it, I wouldn't want someone to miss out on that experience, the 3 hours of sitting there, wanting for just about everything to be different, and yet it keeps getting worse and worse and worse..."

So have hope that you won't have to listen to too much praise:

My 16 yr old daughter who I went to the film with had nothing but  laughter and disdain and would rate it a 1.5 on a 10 scale. A rating that she says is one of the lowest she has declared.

So have some hope.

All my friends and family know not to see it because of me   In fact my friend (lied) in her french oral about seeing the hobbit. When asked how it was, she said so so. She said it based solely off of my opinion and constant crabbit about it   

Excellent review, Petty! I'm glad it was so long; I like getting to bask in the crabbit.

Thanks, MotA. I'm reading the book now to try and mentally blot out the existence of this abomination people are inexplicably referring to as a movie.

Frying up some eggs for this one, Petty

Well, we've seen reviews coming in as people watched the film, one more crabbit than the other, but you out-crabbit all of us You see a lot of inconsistencies others miss since you've probably seen these films more times than any of us working on your edits (which is a little ironic, if I may say so ), which makes for a very enjoyable read. I agree with your summary - there is no beauty in this film, it's just an ugly waste of money and opportunities. Do you have any hope for an edit? I tried watching it with a possible purist edit in mind, but I saw nothing salvagable in it. There are a few scenes, like the one between Bilbo and Balin (which would've been even better if it hadn't been a copy of the scene with Gandalf and Frodo from FotR), but two or three scenes won't make a film, I guess

Am I to take it that only Rad & I have not yet seen this abomination that is DoS ? I feel Ive had all I need from the amazing reviews Ive read here ! Let us be honest, there is enough sites floating about on the internet so you dont have to go to the cinema. We have the technology & the tools to "see" films without leaving your front door. I only have to go to "Poundland" to buy dvd-r's. Not honest or legal I know but, as a policeman once told me, "if its for HOME USE only.....& NOT to be sold on or marketed...." If nothing else, the disc will make an adequate bird scarer to hang off my apple tree, or, I might just view & delete !   

"You witless worm ?"
havent we heard that before somewhere ?

azriel wrote:"You witless worm ?"
havent we heard that before somewhere ?

Wormtongue is addressed in this manner in The Two Towers film. Where is the second source of this coming from?

From TORn:

"Tauriel was a treat...EL was beautiful!...Didn't expect many to spot Peter Jackson in Bree!
All in all The Hobbit : DOS was amazing!"

F****** idiot

I never did post my initial reaction after watching the film last Saturday--I had to babysit that night for my sister and had stuff to do on Sunday--but I'd just like to post a few brief thoughts here.

My mom and sister came with me, which was nice. I was glad to have some company that I could show off my crabbit to. My sister hasn't read the book, but she has listened to the BBC dramatization, so she knows the story well enough.

Anyway, we didn't have many trailers. The standouts for me were the Godzilla film (I still have no frickin' idea what those flare-toting skydivers were trying to accomplish); the Tom Cruise thingummy (The trailer starts with "I know you won't believe me, but there's something I must tell you. dangerdoomblehblahblah. I nudged my sister and said, "yeah, Scientology!"); and the cliched 300 sequel, which was only memorable because I'm a sucker for anything with Eva Green in it.

DOS really did hit the ground running! The shots of warg-riders reminded me of TTT a lot. Similarly, the shot of the orcs riding over the crest of a snow-covered mountain (this served as the title shot) was reminiscent of the ridiculously-placed beacons from LotR. The warg-riders running along this desolate ridge struck me as a perfect example of a special effects shot that only exists to look nice. In comparison, the LotR films had far superior, and more meaningful, title sequences.

Beorn's home was so small! Sure, the interior was furnished with large furniture, but the entirety of his pastures and orchards was confined to a fenced-in ring in the midst of an untamed field. Having lived on a farm my whole life, I also found the cows placed inside his manger of a home to be particularly gimicky. They should have at least been let out during the daytime, not left standing around smelling up the place!
Beorn himself was not particularly impressive. I enjoyed seeing his transformation from bear to man--it felt very organic, and was not over-emphasized--but the delivery of his lines felt laboured to me. This was due to the depth of his voice and the fact that his overall cadence was so steady. I wouldn't say  he sounded monotone, but when he was giving his last warning to the dwarves I felt myself wishing he'd hurry up and stop talking.

Mirkwood was strange.
I hated the white grub-looking insect that Bilbo murders, and wish that the spiders were less stocky and more graceful. I remember some of the spiders described in the book as fat-bodied, but smaller would have been better to my mind. The imagery of Bilbo being wrapped silently in silk while sitting in the dark has stuck with me, and would have been pretty cool to see on film.

Also, real quick, was anyone else annoyed that Bilbo did not name his sword himself, but took the pained cries of one of his various victims too literally instead?

I know some, Mrs. Figg in particular, enjoyed seeing Bilbo above the tree-tops, but I couldn't really enjoy this sequence with how sickly the forest looked. I understand the time of year would necessitate fall colours, but the repeated descriptions of Mirkwood as recently sickening (Bilbo mentions this outside of the forest) made me feel as if the forest was suffering from a blight or beetle infestation more than anything else. It fell far short of the comparable scene in Catching Fire where Katniss climbs above the tree-line into the midst of a blustery lush expanse.

Thranduil did not have enough screen-time. I felt that Lee Pace could have done a lot for this film if given a cooler introduction, better dialogue, and a larger role.
I thought his reaction to Thorin's angry rebuke was hilarious. His expression is this strange mix of surprise, anger, and hurt-feelings. I imagined him thinking of himself as a pretty cool guy, throwing parties for his people, liked by all, and then getting shut down by this Thorin guy really shocked him. His face seemed to say, "Whoa! where is this coming from?!"  

Tauriel's scenes with Kili/Fili were not as bad as I expected. They almost worked, emotionally, but only because as I watched them I was able to trick my brain into thinking the two characters were both human, rather than elf and dwarf. The talk of starlight and "rolling back the dim curtain" evoked a pleasant emotional response (Gandalf and Pippin scene anyone? eh?), and reminded me that PJ and Co. can actually do good when they... Well, whenever they don't do whatever it was they were doing for most of this film.

I will wrap things up here:

1. Smaug's treasure-hoard was ridiculously huge. It was stupidly ridiculous.

2. The way that the Lake-men kept referring to the failure of Bard's ancestor to kill the dragon was utterly ridiculous. "Oh yes, well, remember your ancestor Girion, this is all his fault for missing those skill shots back in the day!"  I mean, the Master looked like the world's biggest moron when he made that criticism.
(I nudged my sister and said, performance issues? when he talked so much about shooting and missing)   

3. I was really surprised that the discovery of the keyhole did not include a small fragment of rock popping out of the cliff-face. I was waiting for that stony "clink" noise. What a disappointment! Infinitely worse than this, however, was the text above the door inside the mountain. It described some made-up stupidity about the Arkenstone being a uniting symbol for the dwarven kingdoms. I feel it works well as a metaphor for how PJ and Co. try to hide their worst excesses until the movies are released. On the way into the movie we have slight misgivings, but it is only once we are inside the experience that our souls begin to crumble.

4. I totally agree with Eldo, or whoever said this, that there is a lack of tunnels in these movies. Tunnels may not provide the best views, or work best on film, but they are really awesome in their own way. At the very least, don't make it seem as if the dwarves actually hollowed-out the bloody mountain. I'm so sick of Erebor's Infini-Drop Chasms of Death. Does noone ever trip/get drunk/slip/get pushed/fall over/faint/roll over in their sleep/misstep in Middle-earth's dwarven kingdoms?

5. Smaug's treasure-hoard was stupidly ridiculous. It was so damn big that it literally, and single-handedly, will reduce any argument over the fate of the treasure to a level of insane inanity MILES further than the very worst excesses of the slag-heap, rich-ass, jerk-faced, bum-rushing, gratuitous and moronic bullshit that is celebrity reality show indulgence.
"Oh what's that? Kim Kardashian bought a sports car for 10 years-worth of my parents combined income and then installed it in the backyard as her dog's litter box?
Yeah, well, a dwarf that only comes up to my waist thinks that a literal mountain of gold can't be shared with anyone or else it will diminish too much for him to enjoy it."
How in fucking donkey-balls hell will Thorin and Co. even be able to start looking for the Arkenstone in a hoard of treasure that measures larger than the filled interior of a football stadium? What does treasure even mean in the midst of such ridiculousness.

This is like saying that life is precious while at the same time holding an earth copy-machine in your hand that could spawn an infinite number of identical human-populated planets.

Ringdrotten wrote:From TORn:

"Tauriel was a treat...EL was beautiful!...Didn't expect many to spot Peter Jackson in Bree!
All in all The Hobbit : DOS was amazing!"

F****** idiot

  


But yes.

I find nothing to argue with there Forest and much to agree with.