{{{{{Somewhere in the dark beneath the Lockholes}}}

{{{{{Nobody likes me, everybody hates me
Think I'll go and eat worms....


...No, no, not you obviously Worm-ay. No nor you either Worm-bee. I meant some other worms.
See I told you the mometary inconviencence of being chopeed in half Worm-ay would be worth it for the extra company. Yes well not my fault Worm-bee doesnt say much, I think you must have got the mouth end Worm-ay.


Oh woe is me! Trapped. Buckie-less! Alone in the dark- I thought I would have been rescued by now but Pretty probably has them all wrapped round her crazy psychotic manicured little finger.
Oh dear Worm-ay here come the hallucinations again! So dark in here- so DRY in here! Let me out!!! I need buckie!!!! }}}}

Why do I hear thumping? Seems to be coming from....down below?

No, that can't be right. Must be from drinking from that half empty bucky bottle I found scattered about. Who knows what's been going on around here? No more discarded bucky for me. Place seems an awful mess - like there was a tussle or something.

hey - is that some discarded haggis....?

Move along now Halfwise. There is nothing to see here- just a bit of subsidence from the expansion of the Lockholes.
And that bit of haggis is nothing, probably just dropped by a stray bird or something.
I'll take it thankyou very much, just in case it is evidence.

Now f**k off before I arrest you for obstructing a Sherriff in their business! There will be plenty room in the Lockholes by the time I'm finished

{sniff. sniff}} Is that buckie I can smell on your breath Halfwise? If I get my way that stuff will be illegal in Forumshire before long. In the meantime I could have you on a charge of being drunken and lewd.

{{{{{ I cant take it. Stuck here with no buckie and only two worms, well sort of, for company.
I can't do it Worm-Ay- the hallucinations wont stop- look! Darkenss, slimy walls, dripping water with no buckie in it!!

What? What do you mean Worm-ay those arent hallunications? Of course they are the worlds not like this- its full of colours and stuff, things darting about out the corner of your eye, oliphuants in various shades of pink dancing in the woods. Clouds like marshmallows and rainbows everwhere.

I'm what? Sober?!!!!

{{{claws at walls for an hour until fingernails are gone}}}}

{{{{{The Ballad of Lockhole Gaol )short version


He sat alone in the Lockholes
In a kilt of shabby tartan
A hey Jimmy wig was on his head
and his sporran was clearly spartan,
But I never saw a hobbt who
looked so wistfully for his buckie carton.

I walked, with other sobers souls in pain,
Within another clink,
And was wondering if the hobbit had made
A great or little stink,
When a voice behind me whispered low,
"That hobbits not getting another drink."

Dear Eru! the very Lockhole walls
Suddenly seemed to reel,
And the rock above my head became
Like a casque of Morgoths steel;
And, though, I was sober and in pain,
My pain I could not feel.

I only knew what hunted thought
Quickened his staggering step, and why
He looked upon the Lockhole walls
With such a wistful eye:
He was forbidden the buckie he loved
And from that he would surely die.

He did not wring his hands, as do
Those witless hobbits who dare
To try to rear the changeling Hope
In the Lockhole cave of black Despair:
He only looked upon the walls,
And dreamt of drunkness in the open air.


And I and all the sober souls in pain,
Who tramped the other clink,
Forgot if we ourselves had made,
A great or little stink
And watched with gaze of dull amaze
The hobbit who could not have a drink.
}}}}}}}}

Outlaw bucky?! What kind of Orwellian....um...respectable type of place is this turning into? Just when I thought the new sheriff was looking kinda cute (if not quite as voluptuous as the last one).

Pettytyrant101 wrote:{{{{{ I cant take it. Stuck here with no buckie and only two worms, well sort of, for company.
I can't do it Worm-Ay- the hallucinations wont stop- look! Darkenss, slimy walls, dripping water with no buckie in it!!

What? What do you mean Worm-ay those arent hallunications? Of course they are the worlds not like this- its full of colours and stuff, things darting about out the corner of your eye, oliphuants in various shades of pink dancing in the woods. Clouds like marshmallows and rainbows everwhere.

I'm what? Sober?!!!!

{{{claws at walls for an hour until fingernails are gone}}}}

That sounds pretty much how Captain Haddock felt in the desert. He screamed he had a beard and said "since when did I grow a beard?" Sadly the answer was decades ago. But he got over it. And you will too. You will be just fine.

What, is this turning into an intervention?

{{{{9998547 bottles of buckie on the wall, 9998547 bottles of buckie.
If one of those bottles should happen to fall?
What?

Worm-Ay- how the hell do you get 16666424? by taking 1 from 9998547?
You divided by 6 on the basis 1 buckie for me is at least 6 times a normal persons?
Actually thats a good point Worm-ay- I never knew worms had a head for numbers. What? Oh sorry, Worm-Bee got the head.
(sigh)
So sober- so dark- how long has been Worm-ay? Well no now you ask I dont know where you would keep a watch.}}}}

Why are there even more people here?
Didn't I already give orders for everyone to f**k off?
Yes, I am sure I did.
There is NOTHING to see here- and any noises, suspicous sounds or lamentable wails you might hear are just natural gases escaping from between the rocks beneath the Lockholes.

However while I have your attention- and I do love getting your attention- so LOOK at me and pay ATTENTION!

Firstly its clear under the old Sheriffs regime people got away with all sorts - well no longer.

So I would like to address the following:

Amarie- it seems to me that all offical Ambassador correspondence between yourself and the DP should first go through the Sherriffs Department for screening. State Security here is a disgrace. I would also like to see all your official papers and I will be looking into excatly how you acquired that Ambassadorial Residence too.

Mrs Figg- I notice you have been largely in hiding of late- and I'm not suprised- no eel importing licenses- no paperwork for quality control on your oils and I want a list of everything that falls under the heading 'extras' on your bills ( I may pop by next week).

Halfwise- Do you have an import lisence?- for you I mean- small furry creatures like yourself canot just be allowed in to wander free- you shall have to go into quarantine for 6 monhs and be given a LOT of painful jags for disease.

Orwell- you continue in lewd and suggestive behaviour- report to my office after sundown.

Queen Tinuviel- it would seem my brother kept no proper import records and payed no import tax- also rasberry is a Valinor only product and you have been bringing it illegally into Forumshire- you are not above the law Your Majesty (And I've always fancied your hat).

Norc- you are sweary, often blunt, sarcastic and filled with irony- have you ever thought of becoming a deputy? All you lack is a streak of random psychotic violence- and I can soon train you up in that.

Ally- not only are you openly Welsh in public but you are under supsicion of being deeply clever and not shallow enough- how are women supposed to run the world if men thnk we are intelligent? Not good enough Ally!!

And of course Eldo- I would like to see all of Forumshires tax documents since you took over and I will be launching an investigation into the funding of the building of your and Elthir's Towers.

Soon have these new expanded Lockholes full.

Anyone I've misssed- don't worry- I WILL get to you.

{{{{{This is outrageous!!! At least the Forumshire constabulary aren't issued firearms, or we'd all be dead like the Bankses soon.... }}}}}

{{{{Now where'd I put that shotgun? #$@%$ rabbits in the carrot patch again }}}}

Ah David- I had hoped to see you.
I have been looking into your farming techniques and it seems you are using some undisclosed chemical on your crops to create their, distincitve, appearence.
But further to that the Sherriffs Department has received a buy out order headed by a consortium lead by Bear Muirdock.
It seems your land would be more productively used as a carpark and supermarket.
And as there seems to be no legal gounds to stop such a necessary development I have given it the go ahead.
All that is left is for you and Mr Muirdock to agree terms. On which matter he has asked me to pass on the following message:

"Farming is a precarious business. Crops can be blighted by disease, infection, too much rain, not enough rain.
It troubles me to see our farmers struggle. And I am sure you agree it would be terrible if you were to turn down our reasonable offer for your land only to find next year an unfortunate, and unforseen, blight destroying all your crops.
No one would want such a hardship to befall you, so do the sensible thing. Sell."

I am sure you will do the right thing Dave {{{and if not there will be plenty room in the Lockholes when they are finished.}}}

FORUMSHIRE STATE NEWS
What you need to know, from the people who knew it first.

BREAKING NEWS: TEMPORARY SHERIFF ARRESTED FOR TREASON

In a shocking move, the Administration of Forumshire announced today that it has taken unprecedented action against the Sheriff's department by arrested Temp Sheriff Pretty Tyrant on charges of treason and corruption. "Law enforcement in Forumshire has been in shambles since the disappearance of Sheriff Mirabella and the Admin has decided that enough is enough," said Mr. Michel N. Sider, a spokeshobbit for the Administration. "It is time to uphold the public trust and not leave the matter of public safety in the hands of a swearing, hip-waggling, walking sexually transmitted disease."


A photo released by the Administration, believed to show Temporary Sheriff Pretty Tyrant and her arresting officer.

The Administration's strong words surprised some since Admin Eldo has a reputation for being somewhat limp. Experts theorize that he could be taking a stand on the policing crisis as a way of shoring up his own authority. However, sources close to the Admin firmly maintain that the Eldo's authority has never wavered since he took office, and that he has merely tried to be an "understanding and accepting" ruler. Clearly the antics of Pretty Tyrant in her Temp Sheriff position has tried his patience, however.

The Administration declined to make public the location where Pretty Tyrant is being held, but SWAT Captain Bullroarer told reporters in Scotsdale that she there was "no possibility of escape, no matter what tricks she has up her skirt." The Captain preceded to smirk and thrust his hips at reporters for several minutes before being led away by his subordinates. In the meantime, rescue crews are scouring the newly-expanded Lockholes for political prisoners and other victims of Pretty's reign of terror. Chief on the list of missing persons is her brother, Petty Tyrant, who was discovered to be missing several days ago. It is believed that Petty was a victim of his sister's power-crazed rampage and surgeons specializing in sporran-repair are standing by.

Don't mess with the

{{{Forgotten and alone- well yes there is you Worm-ay. What? Worm-bee? Oh, he, um, he had to nip out.
Ok. Ok. Yes. I ate him. sorry.
No, its not like I ate half of you- not really. But um talking of that. I am so very hungry so I may have to, well divide you up again. Sorry.

I wonder whats happening out there? I'm missing all the Who news! And all TH news- so I suppose some good hass come out of this!
And the Queens buckie. The Queens Buckie!!!
I had a vat of Rasberry fermenting. If no one takes care of it, it will explode and shower half of Valinor in rasberry buckie, any time now in fact!- Berens bound to notice that and then he will know the rasberry buckie contains buckie! I'll have let the Queens secret out!
Oh dear I really must get out but I bet they are all fawning over Pretty out there - I'm doomed quite possibly jiggered too!

Now, don't panic Petty- you've been in tighter fixes before.
Remember that time with the coconuts, the three circus trapiase artists and the gorilla? Someone's bound to notice eventually that Pretty is in fact madder than a bag of Mrs Figgs cats dumped in a tub of eel oil. They must!!

Hold on whats that noise Worm-ay? Does that sound like a shovel to you? IN HERE!! BRING BUCKIE!!!! LOTS OF BUCKIE!!! Rescue Worm-ay. Look the roofs coming in. No, dont go that way- Worm-ay!! Oh that spade went right through you- you ok? Still, waste not want not eh? Yummy!}}}}

FORUMSHIRE STATE NEWS
What you need to know, from the people who knew it first.

SPECIAL UDPATE

Emergency service personnel at the Lockholes have just announced that they have rescued Mr Petty Tyrant, formerly of Scotsdale, presently of barrel, from his cell. Petty was hobbitnapped by his sister, Temp Sheriff Pretty Tyrant, and held in the deepest cell of her Lockholes expansion project. A spokeshobbit confirmed that Mr Tyrant has been placed on a buckie IV drip and is being treated for undisclosed injuries to his "kilted region".

oh no!!! and no sergeant Ringo who-sometimes-is-on-the.roght-side-of-the-law to rescue him!! D: