The Wise Collection.

INTRODUCTION: (by Wise Odo!)

Noom kindly asked,
So dutifully tasked,

I'm off to collecting!
I'm off prospecting!

Will they be gold?
Or piles of mold?

Well, I won't be blamed,
I merely quote the famed!

(I'll add to my collection,
What came a'fore Bank's dissection!)

Wise Odo

Re: THE WISE COLLECTION

Postby Wise Odo » Fri May 07, 2010 6:56 am
Whenever anything goes wrong, we pull out our horns and GB comes high-tailing to our rescue!!!

....

Excerpt from: "JRRT: Unknown Poems."


"Gremlins have come creeping amid connections!
Scuttling our jibes! Messing up our reflections!
But who's this come on his Great White Horse?
So swift, so fleet - and handsome, of course!
It's Gandalf's Beard with sword in hand,
(A Bearded hand? Now that's weird, Man!)
Bravo! Hurrah! All is not lost as we'd feared!
Oh Hirsute Hero! Oh Glorious Beard!"

Not one of JRRT's best, of course, but it does seem prescient.



>>>
Hooray GB!

Channelled during debate with Silly Old Beard about the Animals at Beorn’s House.

…


Well, I think Lord Byron says it all!

"I'm jus abou to burst me boiler,
Lemme tell ya now,
Oo cares what ol' GB thinks,
Eze jus a flamin Beard any-owl!

There aint no sillies, cob,
Zose dogs! Zose clevver horseys!
Ya not playin' straight, Beardy Lad,
Ya tryin ta be saucy!"

... and not even you can argue with the Great Poets, GB! Surely!

Channelled on finding scraps of precious Tolkien material

(Includes part of a conversation with Eldo the Loremaster).

….

Eldo, I found something at the rubbish dump the other day. Have no idea how it got there but it was inside an old tobacco tin. A snippet of paper with the following words scrawled...

"When I am gone, I truly long
No one destroys my Greatest Work,
By making a film put through the kiln,
Sanitized beyond the point of hurt!"

It was signed - and here the spidery writing is blurry - J.R. [indecipherable letter] T. But I think we know who wrote it, Eldo! I suspect it was before Tolkien was sent utterly raving mad by listening too much to those Literati child-hating types and began to hate 'The Hobbit." (I guard this precious snippet closely, I keep it hidden, I keep it safe.)

CLEVER CAT

Have you heard of the Clever Cat?
The cat that knows what’s at!
He is so very wise,
It’s True, I tell no lie!
A veritable sage and that’s a fact!

...


Oh good Old Bowl-lapper Cat! We miss you Lester Cat!

Channelled on the suggestion (by Lester Cat) that Oin in the Hobbit Movie should burst in on Beorn in the bathroom as the latter is changing out of his bear suit. (Also appears to be a commentary on Peter Jackson’s penchant for adding un-canon ideas - and GB's penchant for liberalizing everything!)


…


LATEX BEAR

You can't 'know' The Hobbit, just 'feel' it,
But some who 'know' try to unreel it,
Latex suits are surely cute,
Your idea is funny to boot!
But GB, please bear in mind - PJ is like to steal it!

Hi ho hi ho,
Off to the dwarf thread I go,
Hi ho hi ho,
Hi ho, hi ho
Hi - ho, hi ho...!

(Sorry about all those ' highs' and 'hoes." Once you start it's damn hard to stop!)

...

Friendly suggestion by Odo Banks that Forumers discuss Dwarvish matters on the DWARVES thread.

The following deserves a place here, SURELY! (Eldo channelling!? :? )
...


Probably goblins. You know how they love their fire.

That just gave me a mental image of the goblins using a tank-flamethrower to attack Gandalf, the Dwarves, and Bilbo while they were hiding in the trees.

Fifteen birds in five fir-trees,
their feather were seared in a fiery stream!
But, funny little birds, they had no wings!
O how shall we destroy the funny little things?
Roast 'em alive or torch the corpses;
char 'em, burn 'em, flame 'em hot!- Eldo

>>>
Beautiful bit of channelling, Eldorion, Old Son!

Wise Odo having one of his disturbing dreams...

...

... am I dreaming... or was I sleep walking? Dark path.... window... Bright inside.. dark out here... This is no place I've ever been... smells East - no, West Coast American (a hint of Teen Spirit?) ... queer... Oh my God! I shouldn't be peeping through someone's window, but... Oh God! Will you look at that ... sitting there at that desk... quill in strand ... Not hand !--- Quill in 'strand'! My goodness gracious me! It's a Beard at a desk... with a 'strand' for a 'hand' - it's writing... I MUST be dreaming, but... go with it Wise Odo... this might be happening for a reason...Hey! I can see what the Beard is writing:

I just can't reveal my secret,
My friends would think me odd,
If ever they were to find out,
That my Pussy is a Dog...!

Unbelievable!!! This must be GB's house... but everything's fading... oh my Grandmother's Bloomers! Was I dreaming...? Or have I the SIGHT??? ... Oh my Grandfather's Longjohns! What a vulgar place this is.... It's almost like I've been transported in a dream into one of those vulgar threads I've heard tell of...

...Oh wake up! Wake up...! Oh my - what a horribly unrespectable dream....!

Another disturbing dream...


...


"Of goodness me! Oh goodness gracious!
I hope this doesn't sound too salacious!
But I have seen a hirsute beard,
Lying in a bed - yep, that's weird.
But hold on tight to your guilty mirth,
The weird vision gets even worse!
You see down below he had dog legs,
And four cat legs grew from his head!
Fie! In between he was all beard -
I told you folk, this vision's weird!
What say you - did I say salacious?
Did that get you in? Oh goodness gracious!"

... my nights have become quite jumbly lately... yaaaaaawwwwnnnn.... sleep sleep sleee....

A defense against Mr Tyrant who was hellbent on casting aspersive nets on Beards and Fish!

...

No fish hey? Sounds a bit fishy... Next thing you'll be banning Badgers too. What next? No Beards? I'm reading your subtext, Mr Tyrant, I'm READING your SUBTEXT!!

Robbie Burns:

"Once upon a time there was a Haggis,
Among Haggises he was a Magus,
He tricked his tribe with clever diatribes and hefty bribes,
To think Gandalf's Beard did sadly saggus;

But it weren't true I'm telling you,
Gandalf's Beard was was stiffly prickled,
On Friday nights, yes somewhat pickled,
His girlfriend said his every part tickled.

His folicles stiff like icicles riding bicycles,
That's how I think of Gandalf's Beard -
That Haggis was Trouble - as I feared.
(This line is added for a sense of balance).

See Mr Tyrant, even Robbie predicted the likes of you. GB may be a damn Liberal, but as Beards go... he's okay.... I guess...

Tinuviel thinks the idea of an eagle conveying the Ring to it’s destruction to be un-climactic! Pre-Wise-Odo Odo saith, Nay!
…

...

Now, now, Tin, I usually agree with you on most things... but... imagine this!

Frodo: Eagle One to Eagle Two. I'm closing in on the Mountains of Shadow!
Sam: Eagle Two to Eagle One... I'm at eleven o'clock and closing.... Oh God! I'm hit! I've lost me dorsal! Dorsal down! Dorsal down!
Frodo: I'm coming Sam! I'm coming!
Sam: No... it's too dangerous... You must guard the Ring!
Gandalf: Eagle Three! Eagle Three here! Frodo, I'm right on your tail. Don't worry, I've got an eye on your ring...
Frodo (alarmed): The Ring.... THE Ring!
Gandalf: Eagle Three - whatever!
Frodo (looking nervously over his shoulder now): I feel very uncomfortable with that old poof bringing up my rear!
Gandalf: I heard that!
Aragorn (on the ground and viewing everything through a Palantir): It's looking dirty up there, Faramir!
Faramir: All I can say is, I'm glad my ass is on the ground!
Legolas (on the side of a shadowy mountain - and frantic): Skateboard Seven! Skateboard Seven! The Enemy have ball-bearings! Repeat! The Enemy have ball-bearings...!


Now, Tin, you can't tell me that wouldn't be an improvement!

A lovely conversation with Tinuviel and Fimbrethil about Badgers leads into a spot of channelling. (Badger-talk has that effect on channellers!)


...


Fimbrethil, I love the Badger! And I'm sure there were badgers in Middle-earth. Tolkien just forgot to mention them. And I bet any money they were talking badgers, even if it was only amongst themselves...er... and they would have talked to the Elves too! Elves talk to just about any flora and fauna, unless the flora and fauna are evil, of course - then the Elves hurl insults (in Sindarin or Quenya - can't remember)! The Elves often sing songs about flora and fauna. And usually in song. One example:

"Oh hoary tree, with mistletoes unmanicured!
You can't hop and skip, but fun-can-be-lured,
Rustle your leaves! Creak all those branches,
It's sweet language to birdies - and cattle on ranches!
Oh dill dilly dally! Go climb those trees in deep valleys,
But don't take off your boots, if your feet are too smelly..."

From "Elvish Song for the Fauna-folk" in Tolkien's "Unfound Tales." (From memory only, Tin, I can't remember the rest. Now where did I put my "History of Middle-earth, Volume Seventeen?")

A discussion on the question of whether Aragorn wore pants or not leads to some keen channelling.

Micky Rourke (didn't know he wrote poetry? )....

Strider:
"Oh the pants! the pants! Ive lost my pants!
My Kingdom for some pants, I rants!"

Bill Ferny:
"Oh you slinky slimly slappy chappy,
You've got the buttocks of your Pappy.
He visited me wi'out pants or trousers,
Arathorn was no shrinking wowser!
Come now, Strider! Yes, I DO know you,
And fear ye not who I'm just now talking to,
These friends of mine - a bit like orcs?
Ha! You must now prance about - or we might TALK."

Strider:
"Oh Illuvatar! My cover's blown,
My precious family jewells been shown,
And so now must I dance in vulgar Bree,
While evil men-orcs gawk at me!"

Bill Ferny:
"Oh indeed you must show us your stuff,
Show us your kingly rounded butt,
If your glory you flaunt freely for me
And my friends Gashgut, Bumrag, Mr T,
I'll not dob you in - yes, you can TRUST me!"

Strider (sadly):
"It seems I must succumb to Dark Forces,
But I swear I'll never perform with horses!"

Bill Ferny:
"Ah! Strider, I might say: if only?....
Hey! Bumrag fetch you Bill the pony!"


.... channeling has its own risks...

More channelling regarding Aragorn.


ARAGORN'S SONG

(Below the cliff on Cruel Caradhras. Omitted from Movie).

Oh the snow it is icy,
This blizzard quite chilly,
I wish i was home,
With my curtains so frilly,
My kilt it is breezy,
My testicles sneezy,
In June tra la!

Oh there's snow in my helmet,
(A Viking endowment,
Designed by an Elf,
While studying a pelmet)
Oh this helmet is squeezy,
But still cold and breezy,
In May li-lo!

My top is all furred-up,
My chest is quite hot,
I found out one day,
That my Dad was a Scot,
(Some say Mum's a fairy,
But I know she's not!)
In March ha-ha!

Oh tra la la lally,
Will you look at my belly!
(Look no further south,
For my bottom is smelly!)
The paunch it is paunchy,
I'm froze and not raunchy,
Oh where are you Arwen?
Your warmth might be calming
In April lol lol!

Christopher Tolkien: "Poems Dad might have written if he had thought of them." (Volume Eleven).

Some Forumers are upset that The Hobbit Movies may be further delayed, but Wise Odo channels a positive response!

Oh lads don't be silly! Let's not be too hasty!
An accurate adaptation, would be the most tasty!
What's twenty years, if we get a true Classic?
The joy of all Fans would no doubt be massive!

Songs from Beyond the Grave: JRR Tolkien.

And who are we to argue with the Great Professor?

Channelling about Eldorin (Avatar: Cat) and Gandalf's Beard when the issue of Bacon-love is raised.
...


"Once there was a Cat and Beard
(Yes, indeed, it's as you feared!)
When there was food for the takin',
The silly sods chose crispy bacon,
And, suddenly, fat tums appeared!"

From Tolkien: "Embarrassing Poems Found in the Bin."

Eldorion suggested pigs ask to be eaten...! Wise Odo lends the benefit of his infinite wisdom.


...


I can't imagine a pig ever saying 'eat me, eat me', Eldo.... Unless, of course, it happened something like this:


HOG: Oh look at you, Eldorion, strutting around Hogwarts thinking any beautiful Lady Pig would go for one such as you! I bet you've never even kissed a beautiful sow before!
ELDO: No, but I could if I wanted to!
HOG: A really ugly one .... well, maybe she'd agree - ...'[muttered undertone] when plied with enough over-ripened slush....[louder again] - but never a respectable beautiful sow, a real Lady among Pigs!
ELDO: I'll have you know, I'm thought very handsome in human terms....
HOG: Yes, in human terms ... what with your handsome button nose and all... but hardly in Piggidy terms! No, there's not a beautiful Lady Pig in this whole sty that would let you even come close to her. And I wouldn't blame her either, what with your shifty, lascivious, hungry eyes, and your humanidy stink!
ELDO: That's crap! I bet I could go up to any beautiful Lady Pig in this sty, right now, and she'd let me kiss her... Right on the snout!
HOG [nervously]: Only if you forced her to...!
ELDO [angrily]: You take that back! That's below the belt!
HOG [defiantly]: Eat me!
ELDO: Okay then - I will!

The idea that Tobey Maguire (Spidey) may play Bilbo in The Hobbit Movies is the catalyst for some wild ideas!

...


".... and Smaug swooped down in a hurricane of wings; but Spider Man, keeping his cool in the face of the great dragon's onslaughting furnace breath, sent out a super-strong strand of lycraweb, which wrapped up the great jaws. Spider Man pulled tight and the great jaws jammed closed. Smaug thrust and throbbed, then plunged wordlessly into the waters of the lake; it was Spider Man's turn to make clever jibes as the waters steamed and frothed. Spider Man then sang a little song,

"Smaugy got all webbed and wound,
And now nary a word, nor wordy sound
Comes out his big fat mouth,
Which once was as big as a house,
But it's now in lycraweb bound,
(His silence is profound!)"

And the Men of Lake Town cheered with deep lusty voices, and the Women of Lake Town curtsied prettily and bustily, and a certain man, a fruiterer and bowman, by name Bard, sat in a corner and got drunk, repeating the same refrain over and over again: "Another second and I'd have got off a shot....just one more second...."

Cynicism reigns when some Forumers think of PJ stuffing around with things. Even Wordsworth fortold this kind of evil. Odo (Pre-Wise-Odo) takes a shot at channelling.

...

Remember, The Hobbit is a proven story - and a best seller - have we forgotten that? Hoisting one's flag on Tolkien's ship (bathing in his reflected glory as lazy folk do) while maximizing profit as the main purpose of sailing at all,is surely the antithesis of all true art - and an assault on the sensibility of all true fans! (And poor seamanship to boot - and we all know how much we hate that!)

I recall a poem of Wordsworth:

Darkness lit as flame shining bright,
Foulness has never smelled so sweet,
Bathe us in all your false lantern light,
Blind us all in your glimmering deceit!

But I am not blinded by the beacon blaze!
Verily I see your smiling twisted lip,
And your Cynic's hard gleamed gaze -
What once was good is now a Pirate Ship!


Ah! Prophetic words those... yes sirree!

A discussion on Eagles impells a fine American Electrician by name Halfwise to proffer his knowledge of tuckusses with a markedly catalysing effect.

...

Ah! You make me think of Coleridge and those immortal lines:

We flew high on the winged wind,
O'er clouds of broiling broily whiteness,
While below lay Man and very Sin,
Alack the lack of good old rightness!

Down flew we bathed in resplendent sunshine,
Oh Great And Glorious wings with wagging tuckus,
We were soaring and erring on the fun-side,
While Evil Men on Earth did try and duck us!


Still brings a tear to my eye, old son, even now when I've grown old and cynical. Tradesmen (especially electricians) would often sing the words on building sites. Perhaps it's just coincidence, Halfwise, that you mention it, but the Religious might call this "part of God's Great Design," and the Scotsman Taoist, "a wee spot of silly-wisdom." The bottom line: you have moved me!

Mr Tyrant’s continuing dourness sparks yet more channelling.

...

Ah! I remember it now. What coincidences abound today! Coleridge again, I think! No - sorry - it was Burns! Never mind....

I were once out in the forest huntin' rabbit,
When the Scottish rain (as is it's pesky habit),
Poured off the shoots,
Down in my boots,
And home I went just that wee bit crabbit!

Some silly ideas put forth by the Vulgar Thread-type People forces Wise Odo to bring in no less a figure than Longfellow to learn them.

...

You know, I am minded of a verse from Longfellow's great epic: "The Slaying of the Silly People."

(From Canto CXXXIV):

... Oh we hear their chatter!
But it does not matter,
Their deep wisdom akin
To a fart in the wind..."

Mr Tyrant acting suspiciously and possibly with a criminal Internetospherical purpose, is dealt with (yes, metaphorically!)
...

ALFRED LORD TENNYSON
Dialogue VII from "The Hero and the Scot."

"Oh my fine eagle, with tuckus a'wagging,
Keep your eye out for the canny old Scot!"
"Oh he's there in that cranny, but what is he doin'?"
"He'll be doin' exactly what he should not!"

"He seems suspicious! His eyes slant away!
And is that a sword he doth bear in a hilt?
But e'en that sword may not be the worse danger:
For I fear something is hidden beneath his fine kilt!

"Oh is it a modem, a flash disc, a hard drive,
Or is it some cunning controlling device?"
"Ne'er mind that, wind gusts through the cranny,
Turn away swiftly, that's my sage advice!"

Poet? Prophet? Our Alfred was both it seems!