Home (a story by Petty)

I must ask Odo, he'll know. He owns Our Lady of the Ankle-length Frock Home for The Aged and Most Needy, which runs at a healthy profit I'm told, so I assume he leaves no stone left unturned when it comes to providing the best and most caring care, including looking after his employees fairly and compassionately as well, not to mention having very fair pay rates consumate with the extremely long hours of good work they perform. He sub-contracts to Shagrat and Sons, a perfectly respectable company that run things very efficiently, thank you very much, or so Odo believes, as he prefers not to go there himself. He is a very busy Ozhobbit after all.

Is that the old Banks Clan smial that was supposed to be condemned because of flooding, you know the one down by the Bog with the soggy flooring?

Perfectly good accommodation for the quality of folk who live there - that is, old people unable to work anymore! I mean, if they were respectable people, they'd be staying at Lofty Golden Hall Retirement Villa and Spa in Bywater! (Not exactly cheap, but my prices are more than fair in my opinion - and if old silvertails want to retire to Gondor and get more bang for their buck, they're quite free do so. For Eru's sake, some do!) The Forumshire Council is regulations mad! Of Course Golden Hall is perfectly appropriate for lovely well-to-do Hobbits, but Ankle Frock suits it's clientele perfectly as well. Threats of closure! Why? Makes no finacial sense at all! And where will they live? Oh the hobbitmanity! The Council has no heart! These austere times are not easy for poor burghers like me! I do have some nasty wet holes, I guess, but they're hardly fit for hobbits - though it's why my rates are so reasonable.

can I put my name down for your nasty wet hole Mr. Odo?

For a lovely young refined Lady like yourself, Mrs Figg, I'm sure I could come to an accommodation. Would a nasty wet hole filled wth the ends of worm suffice? They are certainly my cheapest.

no worms please. I want a worm free hole.

Not a problem, Mrs Figg. I have the place if you have the funds. I have a wide range of accommodations available. If top-of-the-range is your desire, Golden Hall has some vacancies.... and even if Ankle Frock is closed down, there is still Last Breath Boggy Barracks, Hopeful Care Villa, and Hopeless Care Villa... anf there are others, may others. Though I can't say everything is going well in the industry, and it is not as profitable an area of commerce as it was like before 'caring' types like Petty McCracken started making noises!   I mean, what about caring more about small businesshobbits like myself?  But never mind, I'm sure we can find something suitable. Something very wet and wormless would seem to suit, hmm?  

Wet and wormless, but no stranger to visitors? You need visitors that go in and out quite frequently, several times a week sounds about right; especially in the evenings. Prime visiting hours, that.

Not at one of my accommodations, Mister Halfwise, as I don't own halfway houses or backpackers, I own retreats for the aged and for the mentally infirm. We have strict rules about comings and goings, including not letting families know what's going on as we know what we're doing and don't need their untrained thoughts and suggestions and complaints. Too distracting to the efficiency of my operations. And I certainly don't like my old people doing anything, except sleeping, which saves their energy by having less time to eat thus reducing obesity and helping my ends meet. The only company Mrs Figg will need is her pussy, or pussies, if, as I understand it, she is a woman with the mainfest good fortune to have more than one. She, of course, would be expected to feed her own pussy (pussies) using her own resources. 

My advice, Figg. Don't sign anything until you've had someone read it over. There seems to be a lot of prohibition of activity contained in the small print that might severly limit your enjoyment of the property.

hmm if you could squeeze me in one of your premier rate holes with a view over the building site opposite. My pussies like to watch the nice men bend over to pick up their bricks.

You do realise thats where Biffo Banks works dont you?!

Wee hove za bust brocks een Fooroomsheer ut Bunkz  Puddustools un Brocks.

{{{Mussuz Fugg, eyed bee carful ov witch loya yu yuzd}}}

Biffo! I thought Odo had trapped you down a mine shaft somewhere. But no here you are, safe, well and as intelligible as always.

Aye! Un brocklayin for Nunkle Oddu! Tho' hee coont uffor too pae mee ut tha momunt doo to za Glooble Fununshal Maltdoon... bot "Fumlee iz fumlee, Beefo, un won moost tytin wonz balt for za fumlee good soomtims," Nunkle Oddu saez. Ime cooruntlee eructin a wootch toowa nuxt door ta Wethools Sleepee Retreet.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:You do realise thats where Biffo Banks works dont you?!

Biffo has a tiny tail, it cant be him.

Ooy! Huv so! Orl Ozhobbertz doo! Itz wot suts uz apurt!

Biffo, of course, refers to all Ozhobbits of Scots descent.

Hey my tail is fine large, round, hairy and changes colour with the seasons from blotchy blue to blotchy red, and from yearly bath to yearly bath from shiny and pink to dull and browning And during midgie season its mainly a painful red rash But its a proper Scotshobbits arse I can tell yi!
None of your Aussie fit arse malarkey, if Eru had meant us to have fit arses he would have made them with proper muscles and less fat and he wouldn't have made deep fried food fall straight onto them.

Although it is acceptable for the Ladies of the Ankle Length Frock Sixth Form volley ball team- as thats in the name of sport

And I would never want it any other way.

I think Petty has a vestigial tail too. But its got a patina of kilt fuzz and caked buckie juice.

Biffo Banks wrote:{{{Mussuz Fugg, eyed bee carful ov witch loya yu yuzd}}}

I'm sure that's libelous. But no court in forumshire would take it seriously, or pretend to understand a word of what it says.

Some say Biffo is an idiot savant, or, at least, half of one. Useful characteristic to have if one is charged or sued, methinks.