The Jimmy

Sounds like the Mad Hatter
Loved it

Orwell wrote:"We witness a tragic river accident, Julia, and what do you do? You applaud!," he rebuked her with self-righteous ardour. "You're sick, Julia. Sick!"

Orwell wrote:Jimmy looked where she now pointed. There were some low hills below the Ettenmoors where they stood, and further on a narrowish river plain, and then a river. There appeared to be a horse speeding across said plain with a big peron on it and small person too, but they were not clad in black. Behind came nine horses closing in, with nine big black riders on them, though one had a little extra black rider behind him. Then there were figures on foot. One very shiny, one in dark green, and three smaller figures, probably hobbits; these last were on foot bringing up the rear and carrying flaming brands. It looked a frantic business. The front horse plunged into the river and crossed at shallows to the other side of the river. A few other interesting things happened after that. For a start the river suddenly became a big frothy torrent thatlooked peculiarly like horses, and the Black Riders were swept away - except for the little Black clad figure who had leapt off the minute he saw the figures with the firey bands approach and darted off to hide under a bush.

Wait, did Ol' Anon just solve the "Glorfindel or Arwen" conundrum by giving us both?

Halfy: one can be inspired by those he loves even when not consciously aware of it. Lewis Carroll and Edward Lear and Spike Miligan and now - quite possibly because he was already on the mind, and, presumably, deeper in the sub-conscious too! - A. A. Milne it seems.

Blue: Many have read the book but some have only seen the movies. When I do fill-ins as above for Ol' Anon when he's recovering from the occasional overdose, I do my utmost to cater for all tastes.  

Chapter the Fifth

Where a Particularly Bad Event Enters Jimmy's Life


Things can go from bad to worse quite quickly, and this Jimmy found out very soon after witnessing the distant river accident. The two intrepid adventurers were climbing down the last boulder strewn preciipice of the Ettenmoors, having not found one ogre to murder and steal his treasure, and starving by now - though Julia had a couple of chocolate eclairs hidden in her bustle as a last resort (she didn't know what Jimmy was going to eat); in these dire straits it was a poor time - if there is a good time for it - for Jimmy to lose balance and topple headlong down the said rocky precipice bouncing and crunching on every rock he could find, loosely speaking.

By the time Julia had climbed carefully to the bottom of the precipice, Jimmy was clearly in a bad state.

"I hope you're not dead," Julia said.

"I think I've broken every bone in my body,"Jimmy said as stoically as he might in such circumstances. "You must go on without me."

And just now as she looked down at him with his arms and legs pointing in zigzags and mostly the wrong direction, and his back at right angles the wrong way athwart a sharp rock (the sharpest rock in all of Forumshire had they but known it), Julia felt pity. I know it sounds strange she should, it just being Jimmy and all, but nonethelesss it was pity. Possibly mixed with a grinding fear for her own well-being out here in the wildlands. Possibly the pity was more for herself, actually, but some of it was for Jimmy (apparently).

"I must go of to Rivendell and seek help," Julia said.

"But how will you find it?" Jimmy asked in a slightly moany tone.

"Well, I'll just go east and hope for the best. Now Jimmy, I don't want you worrying about me as I go off, but it's the only chance I've got to survive."

"And you'll send help back to me?"

"I guess so. Actually now as you mention it, I don't see why not. I'll ask Elrond when I find him and see what he thinks."

"Eru bless you!" Jimmy sighed and a tear ran down each cheek.

Which was bit too maudlin for Julia and she hurried off eastward, thankful there could now be no untidy disagreements regards the eclair situation, and hoping too that she could find Rivendell and live there with the elves forever and ever.


to be continued....

The Archet Bugle wrote:"I hope you're not dead," Julia said.

Aw. I like their little moments of affection. 

Little's the word !

It's an interesting exercise writing. Ol' Anon tells me he wrote the line and, as is not often the case with these Wholesome Tales, he had to fumble around for quite awhile to find that punchy line to complete the imagery he was looking for, but he had to give up grasping for that said punchy line; and then when he came back to it for a second go, he read it and thought, Oh goodness me, sometimes enough said is enough said.   Ol' Anon loves these rare, largely accidental, moments, he do! Indeed, it's encountering them that brings the biggest pleasure he gets from writing these tales. Incidentally, I hear Wisey Banks strives for them always but they are illusive they is, Eru be Blessed.

Chapter the Sixth

Many Chance Encounters, Meetings, Councils and Get Togethers


Jimmy did not know how long he had been there, but it was long enough for him to begin to wonder if he had not indeed broken his back on the sharpest rock in all of Forumshire.

"It may or may not be," he decided after a time. "And I suppose I'll never know one way or the other. Actually, thinking about it more, it probably matters little. The key factor is my back is snapped in half and I'll never walk again unless Julia finds Rivendell where it's said Elrond has healing herbs for this kind of thing, which is quite a marvel when one thinks about it."

As he was having these rather philosophical thoughts, a sound of a sled being dragged swiftly past him by soft footed animals came to his ears; most likely rabbits Jimmy decided. He gritted the teeth (he only had the two now as the rest were scattered among the rocks) and sighed angrilly, "If that's Radaghast with daft stupid rabbits, I'll call this one of the worst days I've ever had."

But sadly, it did turn out to be right up there as bad days go, for it was Radaghast, and to make matters worse, he saw Jimmy's pathetic shattered body lying on that sharpest (potentially) of rocks and turned his stupid rabbits around with a sharp command.

"My dear Scotshobbit," Radaghast the Brown said as the sled drew up beside Jimmy.  "Or at least, I assume you're a Scotshobbit, though it's difficult to say what with your shattered battered bloody bruised distorted form, but I am a Maiar all said and done and therefore quite discerning. Do you need a hand?"

Jimmy blinked - his eyelids were still functioning - "How fucking discerning is that question?" he asked in an angry weak voice. He coughed, and blood spewed forth from his punctured lungs. And though terribly enfeebled, his pissoffednedness gave him strength enough to revisit the general drift of his question by adding: "What a fucking stupid question!"

"Though PJ would claim it a beauty," Radaghast answered, somewhat aggrieved (on PJ's behalf).

"Well, fuck off then," Jimmy breathed hot blood (literally) - incidentally reminding the reader of his stubborn Scoshobbit stubborness and temper and, sadly, his tendancy to the vulgar use of the vernacular when stressed.

"If that's how you feel, I will," Radaghast said sadly. "As it turns out, Azog the Goblin is hot on my tail and I best be off anyway. Goodbye poor broken Scotshobbit!"

And Radaghast was gone, and Jimmy, with his own difficulties to confront, was glad of it.

Shortly after he heard the sound of trudging feet.  

"If I didn't know better, that would be Goblin Feet," Jimmy sighed.

He exhaled a little more blood and spume and commented, "Things are not going at all well today."



to be continued...  

By the time Julia had climbed carefully to the bottom of the precipice, Jimmy was clearly in a bad state.

"I hope you're not dead," Julia said.

"I think I've broken every bone in my body,"Jimmy said as stoically as he might in such circumstances. "You must go on without me."

And just now as she looked down at him with his arms and legs pointing in zigzags and mostly the wrong direction, and his back at right angles the wrong way athwart a sharp rock (the sharpest rock in all of Forumshire had they but known it), Julia felt pity. I know it sounds strange she should, it just being Jimmy and all, but nonethelesss it was pity. Possibly mixed with a grinding fear for her own well-being out here in the wildlands. Possibly the pity was more for herself, actually, but some of it was for Jimmy (apparently).




 you know me so well.  

(((((((( bloomin cheek of the Ozhobbit)))))))

Which was bit too maudlin for Julia and she hurried off eastward, thankful there could now be no untidy disagreements regards the eclair situation, and hoping too that she could find Rivendell and live there with the elves forever and ever.

Eclairs and Rivendell. my idea of heaven

Chapter the Sixth continued...


Now you may think Jimmy was in a painful and parlous and dangerous situation, but one must not forget Julia, for she was having travails of her own, having eaten her first chocolate eclair to bolster her strength within minutes of leaving the pathetic bundle of Hebridean brokeness, and seriously contemplating gobbling down the second within half an hour of the first. Of course, you still may be thinking that Jimmy was in the worst state, but this is all relative, for Julia was a refined person not used to walking far in the weather, and her clothes were quite dusty and begimed after climbing down that last rocky Ettamoorian precipice (Jimmy having been in no state to carry her down as we already know), and she had an embarrasing crease in her bustle now, and her hair needed a comb, and her eyeliner was smudged, having caught a bit of grit her eye which Jimmy kicked up as he fell and which had made her left eye slightly watery - it was now a little red too, incidentally. And how would you like to be caught out in the wildlands with just the one eclair? So, as I say, spare a thought for our beautiful heroine's plight.

Julia, however, did tend to have better luck than Jimmy, if only in this tale and in the interests of comical castrasting with Jimmy's situation.

She had only just sat down on a mossy rock about halfway across the floodplain, her intent being to reach the river crossng where the ealier river accident had ocurred, when a very shiny person appeared almost out of nowhere.  A tall shiny person. A tall shiny elf in fact.

"Would you mind toning it down a bit," Julia complained as the tall shiny elf drew near.        

"I do apologize, beautiful maiden," saïd the tall shiny elf.

Julia heard what she thought was a button being clicked and suddenly beforr her stood a less shiny tall handsome elf who had eyes that went back about three thousand years or so. Julia did not notice this immediately though, for she was casting her eye around for the beautiful maiden he had spoken of, then quickly realized it was she herself the tall formerly shiny elf was addressing.  

"Oh you're a gallant sweetie," Julia smiled. (It was the maiden bit that had mommenatily thrown her). "But you must tell me, what's with the bright shininess?"

"Oh it is merely a battery operated talisman Elrond gave me for when dealing with Black Riders," saith he in a rather sexy voice. At least, Julia thought it was sexy. "Oh beautiful maiden, you look slightly tired, and your clothes seem slightly dusty and begrimed and your face smudged... is that chocolate icing and cake crumbs I see...?"

"Never mind that," Julia answered wiping said foodstuff residues off. "Do you know Elrond perchance?"

"I do."

"Would you be as kind as to take me to meet him for I am in desperate need of help."

"I am here tracking a cohort of goblins lead by Azog himself," saith the elf (whose name, believe it or not, I can't remember just now - that's weird. ) "In fact, I think I see them congregating at the bottom of that precipice over there."

"Where?"

"Over there. About two hundred metres away."

"But what of me?" Julia said and began to cry. "I am in the wildlands and alone. Please take me to Elrond,  else I perish here, alone, an unprotected feeble woman..." And she held her slightly dirty hands to her face and wept into them very effectively.

The elf (you know, I still can't think of his name) stood in deep thought. But then his eyes fell on Julia's cleavage and, being a quite manly elf, he thought of a line in The Lay of Leithian (PJ version):

"Oh look upon her milky breasts,
Not directly, aslant is best,
Shall I caress them now, so soft, so mild?
Or first rescue them from out the wild?"

And Glorfindel the elf (that being the elf's name: yey! ) - knew his manly elf duty, and he took Julia in his strong elfish arms and shot off like the wind toward Rivendell.

Now you may be wondering why Julia did not mention that Jimmy was only about two hundred meters away surrounded now by goblins of the worst kind, but to be fair, she had so much wanted to visit Rivendell, ever since she was a young maiden, and that is quite a number of years ago now (apparently), and she clean forgot Jimmy in her excitement, and who could blame her in the circumstances, I mean to say?



to be continued...

Chapter the Fifth continued...


Jimmy, of course, had no way of knowing if Julia was safe or not, and as Azog and his goblins drew up and surrounded him, he thought: "I'm so glad Julia got away. I can die in peace with that thought." Which just goes to show what a lovely and thoughtful fellow Jimmy was, deep deep down.

"Ha!" Azog cied. "What do we have here if not one of my blood-cousins, Jimmy O'Fartin-McCracken!"

"I wish you wouldn't say that so loudly," Jimmy said weakly. "Just kill me quick will you - and enough of the cousin talk, Azzy."

"Kill you quick? No, it will be a slow death for you, ho my lad." And Azog broke into song - with his goblin troop singing along.  


"Crack the whips! Turn the screws!
Give him two too tight shoes!
Tickle his sphincter with a prickle,
Slit his liver with a sickle,
That's what Jimmy McCracken hates,
Hit him on the head with a plate.

Butt his butt with a laundry paddle,
Give him buckie until he's addled,
Spread his legs and ram a hot iron,
Up his botty and start him cryin',
That's what Jimmy McCracken hates,
Or what ol' PJ has been known to state..."


"Enough!""  Jimmy cried in anguish, especially pained that they should suggest he might not like buckie - which as you would know by now is the worst kind of accusation a person can make against a Scotshobbit. "If you won't kill me quick, why not just leave me here to die a slow painful hungry death?"

"No, we want to be more involved than that," Azog mused.

"Then throw me in a briar patch or something," Jimmy exclaimed in desperate annoyed frustration. Then he had a sudden change of heart. "No - please don't throw me in a briar patch - I'm in enough pain as it is!"

"Briar patch, hey?" Azog contemplated as he rubbed his chin. "Now that's not a bad idea if I say so myself. You seem all broken up, but your skin is stll there to be ripped to threads! Shishkabab!" Azog called. "Shishkabab!"

"Yes, Master?" said a goblin standing at the back of the troop.

"As you're next to useless when torturing innocent people, I'll give you this task to redeem yourself. Take this poor excuse for a Scotshobbit and throw him in the closest thorniest briar patch while the rest of us keep up the chase on that ridiculous Radaghast - I feel like rabbit and wizard fricasee for dinner!"

And Azog sped off with his troop.

"Give him one for me while you're at it," Jimmy called after him.

Jimmy then felt a shadow fall upon him. "Oh you poor poor thing," said Shishkabab the Goblin in a rather feminine voice.

Jimmy blinked up at the goblin. "You don't seem like the other goblins," he said somewhat mystified.

"That's because I'm not," Shisjakabab answered and smiled sadly down at him.

"Oh you're a girl-goblin," Jimmy cried in absolute surprise.

"You can call me Shish if you like," she smiled sadly again and pulled out her false fangs. "I'm a failed goblin, you see." And she took out her false red-eye covers. "I am one of Morgoth's failures, unfortunately," she added as she took off her false distorted yellow motely skin to reveal a beautiful elfish-looking goblin.

"Well I never expected anything like this," Jimmy said, surprised to say the least.




to be continued....  

Now you may be wondering why Julia did not mention that Jimmy was only about two hundred meters away surrounded now by goblins of the worst kind, but to be fair, she had so much wanted to visit Rivendell, ever since she was a young maiden, and that is quite a number of years ago now (apparently), and she clean forgot Jimmy in her excitement, and who could blame her in the circumstances, I mean to say?

I don't know whether to laugh cry or box Anon's ears

Chapter the fifth continued...


Julia had to admit things were going very well for her now. Her body was wrapped in the arms of a very handsome immortal, the gentle breeze was in her lucious red hair, and she was on her way to Rivendell moving swiflty on the legs of someone else. But suddenly it came to her - Jimmy was in serious trouble - what with all his bones broken and all that. Julia thought, "I really don't know why Jimmy comes to mind just now, but seeing as he does; well, I suppose I should really do something to help him sooner rather than later. I mean, I suspect he expects it. And - well, I do have a famous elf with me and I'm sure he might be able to do sommething to help the poor runty little Scotshobbit. And I guess - on reflection - it may not look all that good if I wait until I get to Rivendell to mention it. And I am, deep down, a romantic kind of peson and the thought of helping someone in dire straits does appeal to that side of me, even if it is just a runty little Scotshobbit."

And before you could say, "Jimmy is a boob!" Julia told Glorfindel all about Jimmy's uncomfortable and possibly painful situation, and before you could repeat, "Jimmy is a boob!" Glorfindel had performed a U-turn and was on his swift way back toward where Jimmy was.


Meanwhile: "I have no great lore in health care," Shish was saying to Jimmy, after having gently taken Jimmy from the sharp rock and gently applied her thoughtful attentions to his injuries. She was quite amazing really, making splints and bandages out of wholesome naturally growing plants that grew in the vicinity.

"I feel better already," Jimmy grinned up from where he lay on the bed of soft grasses Shish had made for him.

"Well, the heroin no doubt helps with the pain, and now that your bones are bound back in their correct alignments again, and I've sewn your spinal cord back together, things should heal well enough. But we must find somewhere to hide before nightfall, as there wiil be trolls about -and no doubt Azog will come back for me sooner or later. He is dating my Mother, you know, and she'll be quite angry with him if he manages to lose me."

"You are a very rare goblin, Shish," Jimmy smiled, still nonplussed by how things were going.

"Well, when Ol' Anon gets to work, you just don't know what to expect," Shish smiled. "Not that he is vain in any way, or a show-off or anything, and it will be interesting to see where things go from here, as I'm sure he has absolutely no idea. We can begin by finding somwhere to hide to begin with though..."

"But Julia won't be able to find me," Jimmy said. "You know - the beautiful woman I spoke of. She has gone off for help and it would seem churlish of me to go and hide on her."

"You did say she was off to find Rivendell, didn't you?"

"I did you know."

"Did you also know we goblins have been trying to find Rivendell for about six thousadnd years, so her chances would seem slim."

"That's true."

"So we best hide, don't you think?"

"You may have a point."

Shish smiled down at thim. "Of course I do. You know, I think we were fated to meet, you and I. A Scotshobbit and a beautiful goblin lass looking for love."

"Maybe we were," Jimmy smiled back - and so he fell under her feminine spell.  



to be continued...  

I don't know where to start, an overflowing bounty of funniness.

"She had only just sat down on a mossy rock about halfway across the floodplain, her intent being to reach the river crossng where the ealier river accident had ocurred, when a very shiny person appeared almost out of nowhere.  A tall shiny person. A tall shiny elf in fact.

"Would you mind toning it down a bit," Julia complained as the tall shiny elf drew near.  "


" "If you won't kill me quick, why not just leave me here to die a slow painful hungry death?"

"No, we want to be more involved than that," Azog mused. "

I have only two things to say about all this - and there is nothing else to be said Anon save 'more please'.

And before you could say, "Jimmy is a boob!" Julia told Glorfindel all about Jimmy's uncomfortable and possibly painful situation, and before you could repeat, "Jimmy is a boob!" Glorfindel had performed a U-turn and was on his swift way back toward where Jimmy was.

U Turns suck

Chapter the Fifth continued....



"It would seem that Saruman's birds have been and pecked poor Jimmy all up," Julia said rather sadly as they came up to a very familiar sharp rock at the bottom of a very familiar by now Ettamoorian precipice. "He's gone, skin and bones and everything. I suppose we best beat another U turn - the kind of the U turn that takes me where I much prefer to go rather than where a rare Eruvian tinge of moral obligation has ultimately taken me."

"I think not that birds have pecked your comrade all up," Glofindel said wisely, and placing Julia on a convenient patch of soft grass that seemed (to Julia) to have fortunistically come to rest bed-like on a flat piece of ground, the handsome elf proceeded to put his nose to the ground and also make some visual computations.

"Might have been wargs then - or goblins - or wargs and goblins... bonecrunchers if ever there were bonecrunchers."

"No, fair maiden, I see tracks here. Gobblin tracks and.. what's this? Rabbit tracks! That would be Radaghast and his rabbit drawn sled. Yes, here are the sled tracks." Glorfindel frowned, for he was a lordly honorable noble elf who hated this kind of messing-around. "PJ really should have been drowned as a baby, though it's too late now, the damage already having been done..." saith he.

"Oh dear!" Julia exclaimed prettily. "Poor Jimmy has been rescued by Radaghast. That's good. I suppose they'll be halfway back to Rivendell by now."

"No, if you look closely, you can see the sled tracks are of the same depth throughout. Radaghast picked up no further burdens."

"So Jimmy wasn't picked up by Radaghast. Oh well, the goblins must have captured him."

"No - I read their spoor, and none of their footprints is heavier nor is there sign of a Scotshobbit's spoor pressed on foot."

"Well his spine was completely snapped as far as I can tell, so any pressing on foot would seem unlikely. Eagles, p'raps?"

"This side of the Misty Mountains? I think not, fair maiden."

"Oh well - then we have a veritable mystery then, Sherlock. So it's off to Rivendell for further deliberations, methinks."

"But - no! fair maiden. Look here. Can you not see these spoor - why I missed them in the first place I do not know..."

"Well consdering it's all solid basalt underfoot, I guess you making out any footprints is a miracle in itself," Julia yawned, as she was getting a bit tired and bored, and what's more the grassy bed she was on was amazingly comfortable and therapeutically effective.  

Now, dear reader, I don't know if Gorfindel had already read this tale or not, or if he was just reasonably observant and finally realized the significance of Julia's grassy bed, but he suddenly cried: "That grass is from the plains thirty metes away, fair maiden! Who put them there I wonder?"

"The Good Fairy, I guess," Julia retorted a little grumpilly. "Can't we just get back to Rivendell. Hopefully among many meetings we'll meet Jimmy. He's not here - that bit I know - and if he's gone somewhere it might be anywhere - which would include Rivendell as I see it. Oh yes, he'll have gone looking for me, the loyal little sod. So let's look there first."

"Ho! Look, tracks lead away south!" And Glorfindel paced off southward, his keen eyes fixed on a trail only he could see. "Come fair maiden, it looks like someone has carried your Jimmy this way."

"How do you know your mysterious someone has got Jimmy on board?"

"I sense it, fair maiden."

"Sense it? So you're psychic now are you?" Julia grumbled as she got to her feet slowly and resentfully.

"Psychic?" Glorfindel laughed gaily. "Dear fair maiden, is it not a veritable truism that in Forumshire the presence of stale buckie in the air can only ever mean one thing!"




to be continued...  

"Psychic?" Glorfindel laughed gaily. "Dear fair maiden, is it not a veritable truism that in Forumshire the presence of stale buckie in the air can only ever mean one thing!"..........................................

A Scotshobbits underpants

I find the suggestion highly offensive! As if I would ever leave buckie long enough for it to go stale

azriel wrote:"Psychic?" Glorfindel laughed gaily. "Dear fair maiden, is it not a veritable truism that in Forumshire the presence of stale buckie in the air can only ever mean one thing!"..........................................

A Scotshobbits underpants

Wait, since when have Scotshobbits had underpants?

Nappies then ? I would have thought theyde have something whilst Tra-la-ling throught the heather & thistles ? .........maybe ?

Nappies would soak the Buckie up thus saving it for later !