The Jimmy

its worse when it wants to go back in.

It must not be allowed to do so !! Cut off its retreat,.....immediately !

maybe this will help

You girls, you! I don't think I've laughed so hard in ages!!! Who neeeds Wholesome Tales when we've got you you two in the flesh ---- and whether half in or half out to boot! My tummy's hurting!!!!!!!

Chapter Twelve

"I'm glad it's over in a way," Julia was saying as they approached the open gate of the Lonely Mountain.

"That business with the...err... disposaling unit?"

"No, you dick - our quest. I've decided after I explore this magnificent place and have drinks with Dain in his private chambers, I'm heading back to Manchester. To see the folks. Then it's back to Tuscany after that."

"Manchester? Is that where you were from originally?"

"Yes and no. In this tale I don't rightly remember. In might be Azzy. Who knows really. It can get quite confusing at times."

"Who's Azzy?"

"You must get onto Shiretwit. Then you'll surely get a laugh" (Julia laughed) "Eru knows, I know Orwell did! Made his tummy hurt by all accounts he laughed so much."  

"Shiretwit?"

"It's like Shirenerd, but more for twits... Though I'm not a twit myself, mind. I just go there for a laugh... err... and do the occasional twit...err... with my Cousin Azzy. At least, I think we're cousins."

"Oh yes, I remember her. She is your Cousin. You mentioned her back near the beginning of this tale --- though no one wrote it down at the time."

"I see. It's all rather inane really... Oh sweet Eru Lover of Jeans! Look, will ya! Well, if that's not Azzy herself!" And Julia clapped her hands in joy to see her Cousin Azzy on the doorstep just outside the gate. "Oh Azzy. It's such a coincidence seeing you there. We were just talking about you.. and put down that dwarf... that's quite disgusting, acually.... Oh Cuz! You didn't need to throw him!"

Jimmy gritted his teeth with barely suppressed rage (he hated that kind of thing).

Azzy rushed over. She was a beautiful elf-woman-hobbit-or-whatever (just like Julia as described in CHapter One in fact, or at least I think so, but I'm sure as hell not going back to read it again!)

"Half in...?" Julia grinned as they hugged.

"....or half out?" Azzy grinned back.

And they laughed.

Oh how they laughed. It was almost like they were sharing a fairly recent experience they had had, possibly on Shirewitter, or some such Forumthingee.  

"Oh sweet sweet Cuz," Julia gasped in gaspy tones, trying to regain her composure. "What brings you to the Lonely Mountain in summer?"

"Well, I came looking for you as I missed you sooooo much. I hope you hadn't forgotten me?"

"I hadn't even heard of you until about seven sentences ago --- though I know you outside the story of course... though maybe you were thought of in Chapter One but not actually noted down... actually, I'm getting confused... Anyhoo - now you've found me, what next?"

"Well, I thought I might join you in your adventure. We can always ditch the Scotshobbit, you know..."

"But it's almost over anyway, Az. I'm just going to explore the caves and then homeward bound it is - after first bonking Dain of course."

"I wouldn't bother. He's not at all what he's cracked up to be, Cuz."

"Dain?" Jimmy frowned.  "What do you mean by: 'not what he's cracked up to be'?"

Azzy burst out in giggles, like she was a silly seven year old girl or something, even though she was nearer seventy (apparently). "He has a great sword of steel and adamant --- but his pork sword's a weiner!"

Julia giggled too. "I really don't know how Ol' Anon does it? Every innuendo is so fresh, you know. Mind you, just saying they are fresh doesn't make them so - but he is a great writer (of sorts)(apparently) and would know (apparently)... Anyhoo - what next?"  

"As I've already had a good sniff around and tested out most of the male population in certain ways," Azzy explained in a gaily old fashioned way, " - even the ones with beards and tits - I'm just the kind of gal to give you the kind of tour you'd be liking, Cuz."   

"But what about Puff?" Jimmy expostulated.

"Who?"

"That dragon - you know - Puff'n'Stuff," Jimmy cried irritably. "You know! That fucking dragon I was going to find and steal his treasure!"  

"Oh go and do it yourself!" Julia yelled. "I'm sick of this tale anyway. Come along, Azzy!"

"Shall we go half in...?"

"...or half out?"

And oh how they laughed...

Jimmy stayed outside. And he wasn't happy at all, at all.  



to be continued....

THE END... or BEGINNING

As it turned out, Julia discovered that Dain was much better at certain things than Azzy had indicated - well, after some training that is - and Julia soon became Queen Under the Mountain (or else!), and spent much of her time on top, being a woman who liked to be on top, possibly so that she had a better view, enjoying that very much, it did so bring such a sense of power, and she liked that kind of thing, as well as being on top for other more ecological reasons that don't come into this tale.

Azzy decided to stay too and eventually found a troop of dwarf musicians who entertained her day in and night out with wonderful bouncy tunes and other favours. She was quite demanding actually, as you would expect.

Jimmy dutifully waited outside for weeks, hoping Julia would come out eventually and rejoin the quest to wrest Puff'n'Stuff the Homeopathic of his gold and baubles, but she didn't come out, though sometimes he thought to hear a voice, faint but distinct and familiar somehow, shouting gleefully down from on high, "Fuck off you crabbit hairyarsed sonofabitch!" Or something like that, it was hard to tell. All Jimmy could say was, "I think that feminine shaped human-like dot (with a bustle) on the top of the Mountain does sound a bit like Julia but she's too far above me to really know."

About two weeks later, Jimmy was his scratching beard meditatively (thinking of buckie) when a familair voice cried: "So there you are at last you hairyarsed sonofabitch!"

Jimmy turned and saw Bertha Marblebottom storming up the path. "Why you delinquent Scotshobbit you! I've been looking all over Forumshire for you, from  Belfalas to Lazywriters Bottom -- and here I see you lollygagging - and outside the Front Door of the Lonely Mountain of all places! Come along. We're heading back to Crickhollow and our marriage vows and the procreation of seventeen or eighteen bawling bairns. Come along now, I say. It's to the marriage bed by night and down the coal mines by day for you!"

And Bertha took Jimmy by the ear and off meekly he went, not altogether displeased, because he liked strong opinionated bossy women as we know.


THE END or BEGINNING....

''and she liked that kind of thing,''

What is wrong with you !
Hidden in the depths of plain sight is something ( or s.o.m.e.o.n.e ) that by their quiet, confident demeanour lurks the kind of mind Victorians used to scare their kids with !