The Jimmy

Chapter the Fourth

A Night in the Dark



"Get your hands off my jaunty jib, swineherder!" Jimmy cried fervently. "You cannae have it!" The dreamy thought woke him to a blare of sunlight through the window. Jimmy appraised his situation blearily and realized he was on the floor of his lodgings.

"What's that Jimmy?" Julia asked in a voice that sounded incredibly comfortable and relaxed and well rested. "You're still not thinking about that silly jib of yours, are you?"

Jimmy rubbed his blackened eyes in thoughtful angriness but answered, "Of course not. Just a silly bit of drunkiness was all it was."

"It was silly alright," Julia agreed, stretching languously among her pillows and fluffy blankets. "You missed the main event of the night, you know."

"What? There was a fight on after us?" Jimmy cried sadly, as if there was anything nearly as much as enjoyable for a Scotshobbit as fighting someone yourself was other folk brutally hurting each other, especaily if knives were involved.

"No. It was a most mysterious event. That rather nice looking hobbit from THe Shire - Mr Underhill that is - did a very fine rendition of The Man in the Moon, and midways through a rollicking second rendition - made on cheery request - he went 'poof' and was gone. Right in front of the whole Common Room!l"

"It was probably just as well because they don't like that kind of thing in these parts."

"That kind of thing is a bit uncanny anywhere."

"Disrepectable is the word I'd choose."

"What do you mean: disrespectable?" Julia asked in perplexation.

"Anyone who disappears with a poof in these parts is looked upon in no uncertain terms I can tell you. If anything sets a Bree-lander to frowning, that'll do it. I mean, this is not Buckland you know."

"Not that kind of poof, you idiot!"

It was Jimmy's turn to be perplexed now. "What other kind is there?"

"I meant: he disapeared in mid-air while doing a magnificent somersault."

"What?"

It took about half an hour but Julia finally managed to explain it all to the rather dull-witted Scotshobbit. When she finished, Jimmy said, "Let's go downstairs and catch up on all the gossip."

So they did.

Downstairs in the dining room they got a chance to quiz Nob about events last night only to find out of further events last night.

"What!" Jimmy cried when the gossipy Nob had scuttled off to get their bacon and eggs. "Slashed blankets with swords? Stabbed a post in someone's bed? Sent feathers from all the pillows everywhere? What a mess! Vandals, I presume."

"Didn't you hear what Nob said? They suspect it was some mysterious black riders who did it. It's said they were after those four nice hobbits from The Shire. Strange business indeed."

"So why did they slash up those beds, I wonder?"

"They thought the hobbits were in those beds."

"And they weren't?"

"No - they weren't. Apparently they had retired to another room with that tall hooded man we saw sitting with bright eyes in a dark corner last night."  

"That was Strider. Been hanging around the woods and bushes for years. Some say he eats children - and hobbit when he can get it."

"Nob did say old Barliman doesn't trust him either. I hope they're alright," Julia said in concern.

Just then there was a hubbub outside and they saw the dark clad man and the four hobbits come past the dining room window leading a rather emaciated pony. Lots of hobbits and men of Bree-land were milling about behind them, though leaving a path for them to progress.

Julia and Jimmy scoffed down the last of their breakfast and hurried out to see what was happening. The cavalacade moved down the streets toward the east gate. The crowd that stalked the man and hobbits followed them all the way with Julia and Jimmy taking up the rear. They passed a rather decrepid and shoddy cottage near the wall. One of the hobbits suddenlty threw an apple with perfect aim at the head of Bill Ferny who stood behind a untrimmed hedge saying something they couldn't hear. The apple hit Bill full in the face before he could duck out the way.

"Yesssss!" Julia said, most pleased.

"Shows you how disrespectable those hobbits are," Jimmy grated. "What! Come to Bree and treat one it's finest citizens in such manner! It's no wonder they'd go off with a weatherworn longlegs into the wild. I hope they get what's coming to 'em!"

"My woman's intuition tells me that those hobbits will be fine with that man no matter how weatherworn his long legs are! Hey look at Bill's house. In the window there. I bet it's Bill's Southern Friend. Now why isn't he willing to emerge? I bet he doesn't want to be seen in the daylight by respectable folk. I fel it in my Elvish waters." Julia's voice dripped with suspicion.

Jimmy looked at the window and saw the silhouette of someone, and knew that odd shaped someone's head immediately.

"Pooh! Criticise my jib, will you! You'll pay for your slur one day, Sir - you just wait and see!"  



to be continued....



     





"

"My woman's intuition tells me that those hobbits will be fine with that man no matter how weatherworn his long legs are! Hey look at Bill's house. In the window there. I bet it's Bill's Southern Friend. Now why isn't he willing to emerge? I bet he doesn't want to be seen in the daylight by respectable folk. I fel it in my Elvish waters." Julia's voice dripped with suspicion.

oh yes indeedy my waters are dripping with suspicion

Sounds  a fishy gangrel group, that's what my waters are saying, Mrs Figg. I only hope that sinister Strider chap's evil plan (whatever it is) gets foiled. And what those four hobbits think they're doing messing in affairs that clearly are too big for 'em is beyond me. Hopefully, Odo - a rather feisty characterization of the archetypal Bankses, but I must allow some room for imaginative expression, being a lover of the far fetched arts myself all said and done - will soon reveal what he's up to... Mmm maybe the Return of the King? But mustn't speculate. Don't want to speculate and ruin the fun. On the subject of jibs, no Scotshobbit I ever heard of has ever been able to afford a half decent one. I mean, have you seen the one Petty wears so proudly on Thursday nights down the ol' Muck and Duck 'tween Rushock Bog and Needlehole? One must laugh, I mean to say! Jaunty? Jaggedy is more to the point!

Hey! My jib is made from the finest thistle prckles I'll have you know. Its as proud a jib as a Scotshobbit could wear

Something you would say, Petty! I see Jimmy is your routine kind of archetypal McTyrantusus btw. Dull witted, boozy and fartinous!

Does this mean..

So true of all things.... so true.

Chapter the Third continued...

"You didn't tell me that the rickshaw was rented," Julia complained as Jimmy helped her put on her backpack. "And you were a bit casual with the truth about how much money you were contributing to the venture," she added, as the Scotshobbit tied the laces of her hiking boots.  "And that was so embarrassing when those Sherriff's up from Bywater repossessed all my best dresses and earrings and hair curlers."

"Oh stop complaining, Julia," Jimmy grumped at last. "Just think of all the golden treasure you'll have if our Quest succeeds. Now, we'll have to sneak out by the servant's quarters, as ol' Barliman' will break my legs when he learns I can't pay our bill. I've left a promissary note though."

Julia frowned and pouted - but all to no avail -as Jimmy was quite used to that kind of thing by now.  

Later that day, after avoiding Nob and Bob and Job (and Barliman's other heavies) in the woods beyond Bree Hill, the two intrepid questers headed east along The Road.

"You know," Julia was compalining about three pm. "My feet are getting blisters on their blisters."

"Just think of that golden treasure," Jimmy said for the upteenth time. It had been his ready response to Julia's upteen compalints through the morning and early afternoon.

Then they heard the sound of hooves hoofing along the road behind them. They stopped and waited to see who was arriving around the bend in the trees behind them.

"Looks like a dark clad man on a big black horse," Jimmy averred.

And sure enough it was.

"I feel suddenly all wobbly inside,"  Julia whispered as the rider approached. "Like my blood is congealing in my stomach, and coldly."

"I had the eggs too," Jimmy offered thoughtfully. "You know, I thought they were a bit off this morning." He then greeted the rider as he clip-clopped up on his big black horse. "Good morning, Sir."

The black horse pulled up snorting dismally in the afternoon sun. "Baggins!" the black cloaked rider hissed in a voice that set the heart to freezing.  

"I think I just did something nasty in my knickers," Julia whispered urgently in Jimmy's ear. "And will you look at the brand on the horses bridle! Mordor Sadles and Bridles...."

"Never mind that," Jimmy said sharply. "What are you doing here, Sir?" he cried angrilly, clenching his fists and standing up to his full three foot Scotshobbit height.

"Oh I never knew you were so brave, Jimmy," Julia sighed, impressed. "Why, look at you! And there's me thinking ever since I met you that you were an obnoxious and pathetic little twit...."

"What?" Jimmy asked distractedly, his beady burning eyes fixed on a certain Ozhobbit of his acquainatnce who he had just spied peeping out from where he was sitting behind the Black Rider.

Julia had not seen Odo, but now she too saw him. "You!" she said tartly, forgettting her fear for a moment. "What are you doing cavorting with Black Riders from Mordor?"

"I'd call it hunting not cavorting," Odo said with some dignity. "It's very unrespectable to cavort, you know."

"Baggins!" the Black Rider hissed again.

"What's he going on about?" Julia wanted to know, but in a quivvery voice, as her fear had instantly returned. It felt like her skin was crawling. She didn't tend to like people from Mordor, and this blackclad chap seemed to be of your particularly blood curdling type.

"Baggins?" Jimmy thought aloud - though he stilll kept an angry beady eye on Odo. (He was, of course, too stupid by nature to recognise an horrible wraith when he met one ---- the Black Rider that is). "I know that name. Baggins did you say?"

"We're pretty sure he goes by the name 'Underhill'" Odo put in helpfully.

"Oh that's the leader of those hobbits we saw sneaking off toward the Midgewater Marshes with Strider about 11.30 this morning," Jimmy said at last. "Why is your Black Friend looking for him?"

"Apparently he's carrying a quite precious trinket that belongs to our Boss," Odo told Jimmy. "You know who I mean...."

The BLack Rider gave a long chilling hiss.

Odo blushed. "Sorry - that bit's a secret."

Without warning, the Black Rider took up the reins and kicked his mount violently forward. The big horse would have trampled Julia and Jimmy if they did not dive out the way. The Black Rider and his Big Black Horse and the little red faced Ozhobbit soon disappeared down the road eastward.

"Talk about evil," Julia drawled slowly. "I'm fair having palpitations I am. You know, I don't think I've ever met a creepier creature, not even you!"

"Yeah," Jimmy grated. "But then again, he is an Ozhobbit."    


to be continued...

"Oh that's the leader of those hobbits we saw sneaking off toward the Midgewater Marshes with Strider about 11.30 this morning," Jimmy said at last. "Why is your Black Friend looking for him?"

Chapter the Third continued...

That night they had to camp out under the stars and Julia was not happy about it. Jimmy - as was his way - did his best to appease her. He built her a nice campfire and massaged her supple lovely body from head to toe - making her barwny muscles soft and ladylike in the processs - and he then read her a bedtime story until she nodded off in her sleeping bag with her head in his lap - as there were no pllows available and like hell she was going to sleep with her head resting on a rock or a pile of twiggy leaves.

As she lay gently snoring and cursing and blowing cute little bubbles, Jimmy became newly enamoured of her great beauty.

"If I wasn't pledged to marry Gertie Marblebottom, I might find myself falling in love with this lass," he said sadly. And then he began to sing an old song of the Scottish Hebrides in a surprisingly sweet and melodious voice.

"Oh her hair flows like water from on high,
And how gently the light falls on her face,
I think now of the light in her eyes,
That today fell upon me in all grace.

How lovely her brawny legs and strong arms,
Oh how they squeeze my pulsating body,  
In such an embrace as if to seek harm,
A passerby might think it quite oddly.

Oh to cuddle and tickle and roll,
Oh to kiss her full lips with my own,
Oh to drink the sweet nectar of her soul,
Oh to give both my spirit and bone,
.
Oh to bone her with passionate endeavour,
How I'd love to hear her impassioned squeals,
Oh to love her in every kind of weather,
And have her cook all my evening meals.

To bear me twelve tots would be best ----
But let her begin down on elegant knee,
Let her smile to see the best part I possess,
Her sweet mouth to take possession of me.

Oh how the light of the Evenstar doth play,
On her face so angelic and pure,
Let the Light of Illuvatar illuminate all gray,
Oh my love for her could not be truer."


And a little tear rolled down that romantic little Scotshobbit's cheek.

"... Oh my love for her could not be truer."

Julia stirred as the refrain drifted to it's end and she spoke in her sleep. "Oh what a lovely marrow, I've never seen one as big as that before..." And then she fell back to snoring.

Jimmy looked away to the east from their campsite, which they'd made on a low hill not far off the road. In the distance he could see an amazing sight. Multiple flashes of lightning were bursting up from the top of a hill about twelve leagues away; it was an amzing show of dazzling power.

"Upside down and back to front as usual," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "Bloody Forumshire."




to be continued...

 .

Do those songs really work? I mean, if the lady in question should happen to hear - I'm thinking of adopting it for my next amorous attempt.

Trust me, they work. I know when I used to get out and play a bit at pubs or parties or get togethers... well, even slightly overweight, comely and not particularly handsome chaps could get quite lucky... (not talking about anyone singer-songwriter in particular tho', Halfy... ) I know that a song or poem that works and is performed just so, is apowerful weapon, you know, and it doesn't necessarily even have to be a love song either... (oh, is that the Missus I hear - gotta go, Halfy old chap... )

Chapter the Fourth

Julia and Jimmy go Further East

"I shouldn't like to meet that Black Rider again," Julia shared as they were trudging along The Road ever eastward.  

"No, not now that we know the quality of the company they keep," Jimmy answered. "You know, I wonder why they're so interested in a trinket? Usually, Odo for one only likes things of the greatest profit potential. Can't imagine him being caught up in the search for a stolen trinket."

"It is obviously a very expensive trinket," Julia averred thoughtfully. "Probably gold for a start - and perhaps having some sentimental value to whoever Odo's Boss is - that stands to reason."

"Whatever the case may be and wherever your fertile imagination leaps," Jimmy said sternly, "it's still likely to be stolen property and I hope Strider and those hobbits get their just desserts when they're caught."

"It may surprise you to know I disagree with you, Jimmy," Julia offered. "I think there's more to it than petty theft. I wouldn't even be surprised to learn that the trinket has some kind of talismatic effect."

"You'll be saying it's some great trinket of awesome power next - and turns you translucent or something."

"Or invisible."

"What?"

"Invisible. Trinkets have a long history of turning you invisible. Maybe it's a magic ring of some sort."

"You'll be saying they've found Isildur's bane next," Jimmy couldn't help scoffing.

"Well, you never know," Julia retorted, slightly embarrassed, as she had to agree that was incredibly unlikely, if not, indeed, far fetched.



*


The next few days passed without incident, but on the third day they heard sounds coming up ahead from a copse of trees lining The Road.

"Quick now," Julia hissed."Hide. I don't want to meet that Black Rider again. He gives me the heebie jeebies."

So they scurried off into some underbrush under birch trees. On peering through fern fronds, they saw five figures cautiously leave the trees up ahead and walk out onto The Road. It was Strider and the hobbits again. They carefully ran forwad and down a slope to a bridge over a fast flowing stream. Strider stopped on the bridge and stooped to pick up something. Then they were on their way agaion and soon disappeared.

"You know," Julia whispered to Jimmy. "I should rather be on their adventure than on ours. I wonder if we shouldn't catch up and ask if they could use a couple of extra hands?"

"What? And give up our Quest to win great wealth! No way. I also don't want to be arrested as trinket thieves - or as they say in some parts of Scotshobbitland - trinket thievesses."

"I guess you're right. Anway, if I was them I woudn't want some crabbit Scotshobbit haning around boring everyone with their thoughts and opinions."

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean, you're quite opinionated and frankly don't know everything, even though you think you do. You should be more like me in that regard, you know." (Jimmy's face was going a little purple). "You're sure to say stupid things like: I wouldn't go to Weathertop if I was you, as the Black Riders will guess you're going there and probably surround you."

"How do you even know about Weathertop?"

"Well, there are plenty of things I've read about which I haven't directly experienced. It was once a fortress of the Witch King of Angmar and is still great lookout place."

"I know."

"Only because I told you."

"No, you idiot, I knew already. Known it for ages and ages."

"What? For all Three Ages!" Julia said with sweet cynicism.  

"You infuriating woman!"  

"There! See how crabbit you can be."

Jimmy hopped up and said angrilly. "Anyway, all this talk is getting us nowhere."

They returned to The Road, only to hear fast moving hooves pounding toward them from the west. It was two Black Riders this time. They charged down on them like they would be ridden down.

A heart wrenching high pitched piercing terrified scream tore through the air rattling the leaves and sending birds into frantic flight.

"Fat lot of good that'll do, Jimmy," Julia cried out in consternation as the Black Riders bore down on them. "Jump aside! Jump aside!"  


to be continued....

"You know," Julia whispered to Jimmy. "I should rather be on their adventure than on ours. I wonder if we shouldn't catch up and ask if they could use a couple of extra hands?"

that's a flipping good idea!

That might surely change the course of Forumshiran history, Mrs Figg. Can you imagine what it might do to Jimmy if he had the chance to grab that (probably awesome) Talismatic Trinket? You never know with these (possibly magical) Trinkets but Jimmy might come to rule all of Forumshire!  


{{{I think he could become an even worse Dark Lord than the current Administrator! }}}

Chapter the Fourth continued...

Having barely avoided death by hoof - a truly exciting event that largely happened off stage, as is the way with these Tolkienish Tales (apparently) - the two intrepid adventurers continued on their way.

"Puff'n'Stuff the Homeopathic," Julia mused a few days later as they traversed the Ettenmoors (Jimmy having had the bright idea to cut through that desolate rocky, streamy landscape in the hope of meeting trolls, slaying them, and discovering a minor treasure trove in a cave to help defray current expenses: they had just about run out of food by now). "If we ever reach him, I wonder how we might kill him and take his treasure?"

"Kill him?" Jimmy pondered as they puffed climbing through boulders above a rattling raging stream. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

"Have you got a sword or spear by the way? I hadn't noticed you wearing or carrying such things," Julia said. "And it is surely a wonder to me that it hasn't occurred to me before now to ask."

Jimmy grimaced slightly at what he perceived as another cleverly disguised questioning of his competence which of late he thought to detect in Julia's attitude to him, but he said nothing for a moment... then he said: "I plan to use some clever ruse to bring ol' Puff to his death. I mean, I'm a little Scotshobbit and it would seem slightly ambitious to think I could do it myself, but I couldn't find a suitable Mighty Warrior to come along and kill him. I will just have to use all my brains and ingenuity. Brains will do the task that a Mighty Warrior might have done for me through an act of extreme violence..."

"You're relying on your brains?" Julia gasped.

"Yeeess..." Jimmy drawled, though, truth be known, without his usual dull witted self confidence.

"Have you pray tell ever read A.A. Milne?" Julia asked suddenly (and somewhat wearily). "It's a series of stories about a certain bear with little...."

"Of course I have," Jimmy cried impatiently. "What's it got to do with me anyway? Now, Julia, I've detected of late a small amount of cleverly disguised questioning on your part as to my competence. I don't think it helps the situation, you know."

"Small?"  

"Quiet! What's that?"

Just then a huge black cloud came flying toward them from the South. No, not a cloud, but a massive flock of crows.

"They seem to be a little North of where I'd expect," Jimmy mused aloud. "I wonder why they're this far North?"

"They're Sarauman's crows, aren't they?" Julia asked.

"Saruman? What do you know of him?"

"Only what I've read. He's Head of the White Council you know."

"Of course I know. But why would the crows be here and not there , if you know what I mean."

"If I didn't know better I'd suspect Ol' Anon is just clutching for ideas now. He needs to be careful though."

"Why?"

"Well, he doesn't want people to think he's getting so unimaginative as to fall into Peter Jackson's methods."

"Peter Jackson? Who the hell's that?"

"My point exactly. Quick, hide!"

"Why?"

"Those crows are giving me the heebie jeebies, that's why!"

Jimmy did as she instructed and dived down a crevice, but he couldn't help but think Julia was being a bit of a dolt about it all. After all, Saruman was on the side of Good and Niceness, everyone knew that.  

 


to be continued...

"Have you pray tell ever read A.A. Milne?" Julia asked suddenly (and somewhat wearily). "It's a series of stories about a certain bear with little...."

"Of course I have," Jimmy cried impatiently. "What's it got to do with me anyway?

Funny, I was just reading a little Pooh last night. Always impressed with how well written they are (especially the later stories). I'm not surprised if Ol' Anon has been studying him.

Still reading !

Great stuff as always Ol Anon, even if the subject matter is of the usual dubious nature

Chapter the Fourth continued...

When they thought it was safe to do so, they crawled out from the crevice, somwhat like cockroaches to those who might not know them and some of those that did.

"I mislike the look of those crows," Julia opined thoughtfully. "Thay've gone back south now and I'm glad in my waters they have. I felt like some kind of insect waiting to be gobbled up."  

"What, a cockroach or something?"

"No, not at all. And don't ask something sarcastic, like: 'Do you mean a worm then?' As I'm sure Ol' Anon is considering it."

"Is a worm actually an insect anyway?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Perahps it's a mammal then?"

"Don't be ridiculous."

"What about a reptile - they are snake-like after a fashion."

"Yes, probably."

"A legless reptile."

"Snakes don't have legs."

"Lizards do."

"Yes, lizards do - but snakes don't."

"So some reptiles could be said to legless and some could be described as.. erm.. what's the word I'm looking for?"  

"Leggy?"

"Yes that's it."

"Makes me think of an old song I once knew," Julia laughed.

"How old?"

"I mean 'old' for the purposes of this tale.

Jimmy became suspicious. "So it's going to be a made-up-on-the-spot one again?"'

"I guess so. Anywhere - here it is."


"Lenny was a leggy lizard,
His legs were long and loose,
He crawled upon a candlestand
And felt a mighty goose.
Felt a mighty goose? you ask,
Indeed! It was last June.
Oh that rhymes quite nicely,
You sing I'll play the tune."

Jimmy waited awhile. After awhile, he asked, "Is that it?

"Yes," Julia smiled.

"Okay then I suppose we best get on with our adventure."

"If we really must," Julia sighed. But than she brightened again. "Oh look over there. Can you see those figures near that river about thiteen leagues away?"

Jimmy looked where she now pointed. There were some low hills below the Ettenmoors where they stood, and further on a narrowish river plain, and then a river. There appeared to be a horse speeding across said plain with a big peron on it and small person too, but they were not clad in black. Behind came nine horses closing in, with nine big black riders on them, though one had a little extra black rider behind him. Then there were figures on foot. One very shiny, one in dark green, and three smaller figures, probably hobbits; these last were on foot bringing up the rear and carrying flaming brands. It looked a frantic business. The front horse plunged into the river and crossed at shallows to the other side of the river. A few other interesting things happened after that. For a start the river suddenly became a big frothy torrent thatlooked peculiarly like horses, and the Black Riders were swept away - except for the little Black clad figure who had leapt off the minute he saw the figures with the firey bands approach and darted off to hide under a bush.

"I bet those folk with the brands is Strider and his hobbits," Julia exclaimed and clapped her hands. "And those Black Riders have now all been washed away to their doom."

Jimmy frowned and shook his head in disgust.

"What's wrong with you?" Julia wanted to know.

"We witness a tragic river accident, Julia, and what do you do? You applaud!," he rebuked her with self-righteous ardour. "You're sick, Julia. Sick!"



to be continued...    
 

 





.

halfwise wrote:

"Have you pray tell ever read A.A. Milne?" Julia asked suddenly (and somewhat wearily). "It's a series of stories about a certain bear with little...."

"Of course I have," Jimmy cried impatiently. "What's it got to do with me anyway?

Funny, I was just reading a little Pooh last night.  Always impressed with how well written they are (especially the later stories).  I'm not surprised if Ol' Anon has been studying him.

Ol' Anon only plagiarises the best. D (Actually he plagiarises PJ as well - which would tend to put the lie to it. )

"Lenny was a leggy lizard,
His legs were long and loose,
He crawled upon a candlestand
And felt a mighty goose.
Felt a mighty goose? you ask,
Indeed! It was last June.
Oh that rhymes quite nicely,
You sing I'll play the tune."

Jimmy waited awhile. After awhile, he asked, "Is that it?

Not plagiarizing Milne, but you got the style down pat. I actually did LOL.