2013 CHRISTMAS

We went for a christmas walk, and it's all ice

We went for a christmas walk, and it's all ice

Happy Christmas RA ! hope you have a good one.   

Merry Christmas all. 2 hours to go.... carrots are out for the reindeer and all.

I want mince pies

and satsumas, pine Needles, cigars, sherry, holly, mistletoe, carol singers, snow smell, log fires, more mince pies with custard or maybe cream, turkey, cranberry jelly, roast spuds, roast neeps, gravy, prezzies under the tree, Its a Wonderful Life, tinsel, The Shire was saved Sam, but not for me, not for me..        

I agree with all of the above Figgy but, you left out CHOCOLATE !   
Happy Christmas one & all, hope you all have a great day !

Had a wonderful evening, and about to hit the sack Hope everyone else has had/will have a nice evening with friends and/or family.

One for Norc (and other fjordian ylvis fans ):



      

2013 years ago (give or take 6-8 years either way) FA. 400 miles south of Russet Bog.
A hill overlooking Bethlehem,  Middle-Eastern Forumshire.

Hillbilly- Petty! Petty! Ah there you are? What are you doing?

Petty- This bloody sheep drank my buckie, so I'm milking the bastard till I get it all back.

Hillbilly- Of course you are.  And haven’t you noticed the new star that has appeared in the sky?

Petty- Where?

Hillbilly- Yonder.

Petty- That's just the sky full of stars, it always looks like that.

Hillbilly- There is a new star blazing in the heavens. A sign from Eru!

Petty- Or a supernova.

Hillbilly- No, it will lead us.

Petty- Lead us where?

Hillbilly- Its light shall shine upon our destination.

Petty- Its a star! Its light shines bloody everywhere, its shining here now or we wouldn’t be able to see it. Which means we must have reached our destination already. Excellent, just in time for a buckie.

Hillbilly- No, it is  sign of Eru, it will lead us to the child.

Petty- What bloody child? Have you been at my buckie too?

Hillbilly- Eru has spoken to me in dreams and visions.

Petty- You have been at my buckie!

Hillbilly- We must follow the star and find the child.

Petty- What for?

Hillybilly- To pay homage to him.

Petty- Is that some sort of greek food? Have you told Dave about this? Hey Dave!

Dave- What, can't you see I'm trying to get this carrot to grow a pair of balls. One day it is my dream that my descendants shall own land of their own and grow upon it vegetables of the most suspicious nature.

Petty- Yeah, all very good but Hillbilly here says we have to follow that yonder star until it shines on some blokes house and reveals a child to us that we have to give greek food to.

Dave- Have you been drinking his buckie Hillbilly?

Hillbilly- Look we can sit out here for another week bored out our heads watching Petty get drunk, or you trying to graft plums onto a carrot, or we go on an exciting faith based adventure. What do you say?

Petty- What about the sheep? This one still has some of my buckie in it.

Hillbilly- We can take them with us, that way future generations of kids in nativity plays who are thick as two short plans, have a cleft pallet or a club foot can be made to play sheep where they have nothing to do but remember to say 'baa' occasionally and not lick anyone.

Petty- OK. Lets do it. I want to see how you follow a star anyway.



The crowded streets of Bethlehem.

Norc- Eldo, my dearest love, my greatest love, my husband, I am nine months pregnant by the grace of Eru and I have journeyed with you from our home in Nazareth in Upper Middle Eastern Forumshire, for this insane census of Queen Tinuviel's and the Dark Empire,  and I have held your hand in mine every step of the way and do not regret it.
But if you don’t find me a fucking room this instant I swear to Eru I will crush every fucking bone in your precious hand one by fucking one. Do you hear me!!!

Eldo- Um, yes of course my love. I will try this inn here.

Odo- By Eru what is it now? Cant you see how busy we are, there is a party of dwarves in from Jerusalem demanding kosher jelly, and there is a party of tax inspectors came up the Judean Way. Sinners under my roof! Oh the dishonour and disrepectablitiy of it all. If only they didn’t have so much gold to spend and I didn't have such a huge jelly and seed-cake addiction to feed.

Eldo- We were hoping you would have a room for the night for myself and my lovely wife.

Norc- Give us a fucking room big head!

Eldo- You must excuse my dear wife, she is pregnant.

Norc- No, I am very fucking pregnant, as in 'fuck the towels bring in the mops' pregnant. Are you getting the fucking message?! Why has no bastard invented pain killers yet?

Odo- I am sorry , but I will not have that sort of thing going on in my inn. This is a respectable place, we cant be having with, fluids and lady parts, not near the jelly.

Norc- Eldo manoeuvre  the bastard around my stomach to where I can punch him!

Eldo- But surely you cannot turn us adrift with my wife in such a state?

Norc- Hey! Who the fuck are you calling a state?

Eldo- Please for Eru's sake have pity on me and let us stay. I am a royal descendant of king David, that's why I have come to Bethlehem.

Odo- Do you know how many people can trace their descent back to David? My entire second floor is rented out to rightful heirs. I'm sorry, but even if I didn’t strongly disapprove of all this, biology, which I do, I simply don't have the room.

Norc- Eldo I am having a craving!

Eldo- What for?

Norc- Smug, sanctimonious, respectable inn keepers head served up on a plate between bits of fucking bread! I need a room. NOW!
Now you listen to me you oblong headed ass, either you give me a room to give birth in or I am going to force my way in, get up on a table in the middle of your common room and break my waters all over your most expensive batch of jelly in front of all your guests and give birth right fucking there! Do you fucking hear me you knob-headed prig?!!

Odo- Well, we are full up, but I suppose there is always the stable?

Norc- The fucking stable! You expect me to give birth in a fucking stable? Right that's it I'm going to fucking kill him and have him for supper!

Eldo- Now Norc, my lovely wife. We might not find anywhere else, everywhere is full because the census, and you are near you time.

Norc- Oh so your a fucking expert now are you? Did I miss the bit where you fucked off and trained to be a doctor? I'm pretty sure I didn't. And which of us has got another person stuffed up inside them wanting out? Oh yes, that would be fucking me wouldn’t it?!!

Eldo- We'll take the stable. And quickly please.

Odo- Ah, fine, if you must. And, um, if there is a young lady from the sixth form of Her Lady of the Ankle Length Frock there, just send her home, I was just grooming her, I mean teaching her grooming, horses I mean, to be absolutely clear about that. We are absolutely clear about that aren’t we?

Eldo- Yes, I rather suspect we are.

Odo- Good. I'll show you to the stable. But round the side way, I don’t want anyone put off their jelly.

Norc- Just one more crack like that and the next crack you hear will be your fucking spine!




A street in Jerusalem.

Elthir- I am telling you, if you read the omen using the ancient cipher of the early fourth age and not the late intermediary period this is where we should be?

Jon- Nonsense, you are assuming the omens would use the original cipher, when in fact its more likely they would use the intermediately phase in which case we should be on a triangulation east of here.

Orwell- We're lost then?

Elthir- No, how can we be lost, we are Lore Men?

Orwell- So we just don’t know where we are supposed to be going, but we're not lost?

Jon- No we most certainly are not lost. And why are you one of the three Lore Men Orwell?

Orwell- Eldo's got the Joseph part so I'm filling in.

Elthir- No wonder we are lost.

Guard- Hoi! You there? Are you the Three Lore Men?

Elthir- Well, two of us are at least.

Guard- Queen Tinuviel and Ambassador Amarie would like a word with you.



The Royal Palace of queen Tinuviel.


Tinuviel- You are the three Lore Men?

Elthir- Very nearly.

Tinuviel- Ambassador Amarie from our protectors, the Dark Empire, brings me news of omens, of words on lips in the streets, talk of a special birth.

Amarie- We are also told that if any would know of such things it would be the Three Lore Men. And here we find you together, in Jerusalem, Forumshire. You there.

Orwell- Me?

Amarie- Yes you, the quivering one. What does your Lore tell you?

Orwell- Um, that seeing the two of you lounging together among servants and grapes in nothing but partly transparent white robes clouds the judgement, and all Lore from my mind and makes me want to make a soft aahhing noise and let my lower jaw go slack and maybe drool a little. Could I have a glass of water? Or a cold shower possibly?

Jon- Forgive our friend, he is a late replacement.

Tinuviel- And what then does your Lore tell you?

Jon- That the child you seek will most likely be born within 40 miles of this very palace.

Elthir- Nonsense. Don't listen to him Your Majesty, he doesn't even have his own Tower yet let alone a coffee machine for guests. Its will be further afield.

Queen Tinuviel- I see you do not know for certain, yet. You will find this child, but you will do so for me. For it has been said by some that the child to come shall have a nose more exquisite than all who have gone before. And I will not have that.

Jon- And if we don't?

Tinuviel- It is of no consequence to me, no harm will will befall you by my hand.

Amarei- The Dark Planet on the other-hand will take a, darker, view of the matter. And crucify you for all to see.

Orwell- Is it just me or is it getting hotter in here?

Elthir- Shut up Orwell! In that case Your Majesty, Ambassador, we will shall get on with consulting the omens with renewed vigour.


A street in Bethlehem outside the stable

Hillbilly- See, what did I tell you, the starlight is falling on that stable. Faith led us here, and now Eru is leading us with His light.

Petty- Perfectly normal stratospheric effect, probably caused by the refraction of light through a heavy layer of dust blown in from the desert on high altitude winds. Nothing divine about it.

Eru- HE'S IN THE BLOODY STABLE.

Hillbilly- And that?

Petty- Thunder. Rebounding off the walls and picking up unusual resonances from the materials which our pattern seeking minds turn into what resemble words.

Hillbilly- You don’t give up do you?

Petty - No.

Dave- Can we not just go in and see? Otherwise Petty will argue this with you until the kid has grown up, got married, and been nailed to a cross.

Hillbilly- I don’t think he will get married.

Petty- Of course he will. He will marry that whore with a heart of gold, Julia Roberts.

Dave- Don't start Petty. Lets just go into the stable.

Hillbilly- Good idea.




Another street on the outskirts of Bethlehem.

Orwell- What did I tell you! I am the greatest Lore Man of the Three!

Jon- We were triangulating according to all available evidence.

Ethir- We were deciphering the ancient languages only Lore Men know of or care about.

Jon- You on the other-hand noticed a huge shaft of shining starlight spotlighting an inn.

Orwell- I was still right though! In, your, face! If they write this up one day I should get special mention for this, Orwell the Wisest. The Greatest Lore Master of them all!

Jon- Oh for Eru's sake, lets just go bring our gifts to the child.


The Stable

Eldo- Our child.

Norc- Well, my child, and Eru's. I mean you never got by second base.

Eldo- Don't remind me.

Noc- Who the fuck are they?

Hillbilly- We are shepherds from the hills, come to pay homage.

Norc- I can see that, you've brought the fucking sheep with you. You do realise there is a newly born baby in here and you are filling it up with stinking sheep and their shit?

Petty- Hey did one of us remember to bring the greek food?

Eldo- Who are you? What are you doing here?

Hillbilly- We were led by Eru, we followed His star.

Petty- We tracked a perfectly normal astronomically occurring event, probably a comet.

Hillybilly- And it led us here, to you and to your child. He is to be the Saviour of Forumshire from the tyranny of the Dark Empire.

Norc- That explains the whole Angel thing- I told you it wasn't someone from school.

Eld- Look can we talk about this later? Now who is this?

Elthir- The Three Lore Men bring you greeting. We come to pay tribute to your child.

Norc- What, is there a fucking sign outside or something? Piss off?

Jon- But we have brought you gifts.

Petty- Oh great, we cant even remember the greek homage and they've all brought individual gifts, how cheap do we look now?

David- I might have a vegetable stuffed somewhere.

Hillbilly- Dear Eru I hope not.

Eldo- Hold on a minute! Did you say gifts? What sort of gifts?

Elthir- I have brought mithril from the Mines of Moria where none dare tread.

Petty- Oh now that’s just over the top! We didn’t even bring the bairn any buckie! What sort of a start is that in this world. Buckieless?!

Jon- And I bring precious frankincense.

Petty- We brought sheep! Sheep!

Orwell- Um, I was kind of drafted in at the last minute for this role, so I have brought, this months Swimsuit Illustrated which I happened to have on me. He'll appreciate it when he gets older.

Eldo- Despite current circumstances and appearances I could do with it more now myself. Does it also have a men’s section?

Norc- Look just leave the stuff and bugger off! I am trying to breast feed. What are you all staring like that for! Fuck off! And take your sheep with you, but leave the presents.

Elthir- Very well. Praise to the Future Saviour of Forumshire!

Hillbilly- May I ask before we go, by what name are you calling him?

Eldo- Norc choose the name.

Norc- It was the name his holy father foretold for him.

Jon- Yes, and that name would be?

Norc- Morgoth.

Elthir- Oh crap.

Jon- I told you that was the wrong way to read that omen. If you use the earliest form of the conjunctive verb and not the later it obvious its Destroyer not Saviour of Forumshire.

Elthir- Yes, well I can see that now!

Dave- Is it just me or is that starlight turning black?

Petty- Is this because we forgot to bring the greek food?

Norc- Fuck yeah! My son is going to kick ass!




Merry Christmas Forumshire! Drink safely, do it lying down!  

 

Well, I was gonna say watching How the Grinch Stole Christmas always put me in the christmas spirit, but I think it has been surpassed!

 

It's a goal!

It's a goal!

It's a goal!

It's a goal!

- end quote, John Lennon, Glass Onion, Beatles Anthology 3

Oh wow!!! Interesting nativity story Petty!!!
Merry Christmas to all!! Celebrating or not, have a nice break to enjoy family and alcohol!!

Excellent work Petty!  Two thousand years from now it may be regarded as canon.

Figgs, what are roast neeps?

 Now that WAS a cracking tale !

  totally blasphemous but very funny. Loved the mithril bit.


Hillbilly roast neeps are roast turnips.  

Excellent tale, Petty! I'm feeling more Christmas-y now than I have in weeks.

Hoping ya'll have a wonderful Christmas and great holiday season.   

What's really funny about that is that only non-observant Jews got to Chinese restaurants on Christmas: pork right and left. They go for chinese because nearly all other places are closed on Christmas.

Merry Christmas!   

I had a lovely time ^^ it was stormy and the whole house creaked and everything  got lot's of cool stuff, including a knitted hat with the text "ash nazg durbatuluk"  ate lots of good food and yeah  the roads were super icy, i think we never were over 40 km/h .. scary, and we were sideways a couple of times, but luckily there weren't many cars on the roads and my dad is a pretty steady driver  but winter tires with no nails and rear-wheel "pull" ... not good on "Blankholka" (roughly translated shiny icy road with a bit of water on top, polished ice ..) 

that story looks interesting Petty.. *sits down and reads*

that story looks interesting Petty.. *sits down and reads*- Norc

  

ok. i loved the story

bungobaggins wrote:Merry Christmas!   

yup that sums up my Christmas.   

why is Christmas now called Holidays? when did that happen?