In theatres: 'Desolation of Smaug' | SPOILERS

Thanx chris, i do like that gif. There's a reason i added that one.

Bolg's voice sounded too high to be menacing. He's like an orc going through puberty.

Well, I saw it. I'm just going to take a page from bungo's book:

Spoiler:

I really don't have anything else to add to what has already been said aside from a few random observations:

• Sir McKellen looks old, tired and phoning it in at this point. And I've grown as weary of his Gandalf as he seems to have of playing him.
  
• Beorn pours the dwarves milk. He doesn't look as bad as in the picture I posted elsewhere, but he pours the dwarves fucking milk. Of course, if they'd stuck closer to the book, this wouldn't bother me, but it looks stupid after he'd just try to kill them as a bear. It just seems like a slap in the face. And he still looks wrong and this scene fucking sucks. His bear form looks like crap too.
  
• Bilbo spends more time stabbing some mutant crustacean-insect than saving the dwarves from the spiders. Thus, more time is spent portraying Bilbo as a dick than as a hero.
  
• Bombur has the Barbarian Whirlwind skill from Diablo 2.
  
• Barrels apparently don't take on water.
  
• Dwalin's bald cap is obvious and ridiculous. A $200m budget and not a dime of it spent on makeup, it looks like.
  
• Galadriel can send Gandalf a mental PM but apparently not vice versa. Not all that useful then.
  
• The effect of placing tall people next to short people is awful. It worked better in those other movies that are 10-12 years older. And, once again, those movies come off seeming better simply because these two movies have been that GODAWFUL.
  
• Who seriously gives a FUCK about Kili and Tauriel? What the FUCK does it add to the story?!
  
• Smaug the Ineffectual. And, yeah, CGI is great, but Smaug doesn't seem as if there's any weight to him the way he keeps skittering about.
  
• Standing behind a stone pillar is not going to save you from a blast of fire. Indeed, every single scene containing Smaug is an insult to the intelligence. Wait, what am I saying? Every scene in this whole fucking movie insults the intelligence.
  

Seriously, Peej, go FUCK YOURSELF, Peej, you TWAT!!!                               , etc.

Anyway, Happy New Year, all!   

Bilbo killing that poor baby mutant spider is Jackson basically taking his final piss over Tolkien's grave.

There's absolutely nothing to like about Bilbo in these movies. He's a jerk, and he deserves to be burnt to a crisp by Smaug (along with all the dwarves, and basically everyone in Lake-town).

u guys srsly don't get that scene. it's not about killing a baby/mutant spider, it has nothing to do with him feeling pity over that thing. it's about him realising that he is off somewhere else fighting his own silly battle, risking his life, for a silly ring, instead of helping out his friends. he realises what he is willing to do because of a ring, materialism.. Bilbo loves his hobbit hole and all those comforts, but he is no greedy materialist. it is a kind of forshadowing or a hint at the dragon-sickness too.

Or its a clumsy excuse for Pj to overhighlight the Ring in order to connect it to his invented overblown Necromancer story and an excuse to have a big weird beastie in the film thats escaped from an old computer they used to do the cgi in King Kong.

erm.. no..... but they kinda have to enlighten the ring issue a bit more, considering we already have a pretty clear idea what it is.

No they dont- there is still 60 years to go before Sauron arises ro power, and 60 years before Gandalf even begins to work out what he is dealing with, right now PJ is making ole Gandalf look like a right twat, even the fucking dragon thats been asleep for 60 years can work out instantly what it is and he hasnt even seen it  

blah... fuck the book, i bet tolkien would've gone back and done some minor changes regarding the effects of the ring if he had the time. ...

 

Mm, interesting thought,Norc. Would Tolkien have carried on with the story, or added/tweaked it,OR even finished it IF he could stand here today & see whats become of his ideas ? What would he TRULY say to PJ ? What would his thoughts to the future be ? Thankgod Tolkien was born when he was, with no technology & PJ to ruin it, or, we probably would NOT have one good book, amongst many, to read .

i was being sarcastic, but hey

Norc wrote:u guys srsly don't get that scene. it's not about killing a baby/mutant spider, it has nothing to do with him feeling pity over that thing.

I think that's kind of the problem. Bilbo and Frodo only succeed because of the pity they show to "things"; this is even stated in the LOTR movies as well as the books. So making Bilbo's character so much more violent in TH really doesn't make any sense.

bungobaggins wrote:Bilbo killing that poor baby mutant spider is Jackson basically taking his final piss over Tolkien's grave.

There's absolutely nothing to like about Bilbo in these movies. He's a jerk, and he deserves to be burnt to a crisp by Smaug (along with all the dwarves, and basically everyone in Lake-town).

That scene makes my blood boil with anger, I HATE it I could gladly ceremonially burn a copy of DROSS in my garden just to try to let go of the INTENSE hatred of all these morons have done to poor Bilbo and Tolkien.

Norc wrote:u guys srsly don't get that scene. it's not about killing a baby/mutant spider, it has nothing to do with him feeling pity over that thing. it's about him realising that he is off somewhere else fighting his own silly battle, risking his life, for a silly ring, instead of helping out his friends. he realises what he is willing to do because of a ring, materialism.. Bilbo loves his hobbit hole and all those comforts, but he is no greedy materialist. it is a kind of forshadowing or a hint at the dragon-sickness too.

Actually it has everything to do with Killing the spider and feeling pity. According to PJ and his idiot version the Ring has started is baleful influence over Bilbo. The creature accidentally touches the Ring after Bilbo has dropped it, and in a frenzy of Gollumesque murderous hate Bilbo slashes the innocent creature to Death for daring to touch the Ring. Once it is dead he suddenly realizes what he has done. He claps his hand over his mouth as if to say 'what have I done?', then two seconds later he is Over It. Its a steaming pile of shit, but thats what the scene is supposed to mean.

Radaghast wrote:Well, I saw it. I'm just going to take a page from bungo's book:

Spoiler:

I really don't have anything else to add to what has already been said aside from a few random observations:

• Sir McKellen looks old, tired and phoning it in at this point. And I've grown as weary of his Gandalf as he seems to have of playing him.
  
• Beorn pours the dwarves milk. He doesn't look as bad as in the picture I posted elsewhere, but he pours the dwarves fucking milk. Of course, if they'd stuck closer to the book, this wouldn't bother me, but it looks stupid after he'd just try to kill them as a bear. It just seems like a slap in the face. And he still looks wrong and this scene fucking sucks. His bear form looks like crap too.
  
• Bilbo spends more time stabbing some mutant crustacean-insect than saving the dwarves from the spiders. Thus, more time is spent portraying Bilbo as a dick than as a hero.
  
• Bombur has the Barbarian Whirlwind skill from Diablo 2.
  
• Barrels apparently don't take on water.
  
• Dwalin's bald cap is obvious and ridiculous. A $200m budget and not a dime of it spent on makeup, it looks like.
  
• Galadriel can send Gandalf a mental PM but apparently not vice versa. Not all that useful then.
  
• The effect of placing tall people next to short people is awful. It worked better in those other movies that are 10-12 years older. And, once again, those movies come off seeming better simply because these two movies have been that GODAWFUL.
  
• Who seriously gives a FUCK about Kili and Tauriel? What the FUCK does it add to the story?!
  
• Smaug the Ineffectual. And, yeah, CGI is great, but Smaug doesn't seem as if there's any weight to him the way he keeps skittering about.
  
• Standing behind a stone pillar is not going to save you from a blast of fire. Indeed, every single scene containing Smaug is an insult to the intelligence. Wait, what am I saying? Every scene in this whole fucking movie insults the intelligence.
  

Seriously, Peej, go FUCK YOURSELF, Peej, you TWAT!!!                               , etc.

Anyway, Happy New Year, all!   

I feel your pain.   actually I dont think Smaug is anywhere near as realistic and scary as the T-Rex in Jurassic Park 20 years ago. In that film you get a real sense of danger and terror, it was brilliantly done. The Glass of Water scene became a classic, I always get the shivers when I see the T-Rex and the Raptors, I just wish Smaug felt as ancient and  terrifyingly intelligent. You are totally right about his lack of weight, an animal that big thrashing around and banging into things would have made sonic booms in an enclosed space surely? You would have seen bits of masonery fall off, dust flying, he seems to just float about on skates. He should have pounded the floors of the halls, i never once got the feeling of 'he's behind you' run! like I did in JPark.

Agreed about the JP T-Rex, Figgy. Nobody's been able to match that in 20 years. Of course, not all of that was CGI but that only goes further to the point.

bungobaggins wrote:Bilbo killing that poor baby mutant spider is Jackson basically taking his final piss over Tolkien's grave.

Funny you should say that. On another board, the scene where Smaug emerges from the molten gold and then shaking it off himself was referred to as the "golden shower" scene, perhaps a metaphor for Peej pissing on fans of the book. I'm inclined to believe it.

Radaghast I feel your pain!

I seem to be slightly less insulted by the film, but at this point I'm past caring, these films to me now feel like a awkward (if moderately entertaining) rambling joke shouted by a tired comedian who has drunken too much brandy, and forgotten half his material.

So yes F*CK YOU PJ!!!! etc.

And a Happy New Year.

Yeah, I kind of came away feeling there was no real point in writing a review. It just wasn't worth it. I think the movie bothers me less than the fact that people like it.

Eldorion wrote:

Norc wrote:u guys srsly don't get that scene. it's not about killing a baby/mutant spider, it has nothing to do with him feeling pity over that thing.

I think that's kind of the problem.  Bilbo and Frodo only succeed because of the pity they show to "things"; this is even stated in the LOTR movies as well as the books.  So making Bilbo's character so much more violent in TH really doesn't make any sense.

It also ignores or forgets that Bilbo gave up the Ring of his own will, the only one to ever do so; and he had it for 61 years before that. There was apparently something special about Bilbo; and anyway it was too early for the Ring to have that kind of effect on him.

Wasn't the ring falling off Gollums finger the first sign of it attempting to get back to Sauron? Signifying that he had got enough of his earlier power back as the Necromanzer to actively start looking for it.

I think it would be logical that the effect the ring had on the wearer would also then increase as Saurons power grew. And have an infinitely stronger effect on Frodo at the end of LotRs than it ever had on Bilbo.

In that context it seems a bit too much too soon for me.

A few other observations, just because I can't help myself:

• Balin says to Bilbo "If there is indeed is a dragon down there...don't wake it." Really? First of all, IF there is a dragon?! Second, "don't wake it"? Wow, great advice, genius!
  
• Bilbo says to himself "Not at home, no, not at home."  Really? Where does he expect Smaug is? Out for a stroll?
  
• One of the Lake-town people says she saw the dwarves "with full beards and all" (to paraphrase). Full beards?!   
  
• How do the orcs know that Thorin is (or was) in Bard's house in Lake-town? Did I miss something?
  

Rather whiny article written by a misinformed author, but he raises a few good points:

http://www.theimaginativeconservative.org/2013/12/desolation-peter-jackson.html

I didn't write a proper review either Petty said everything for me.

Bluebottle wrote:Wasn't the ring falling off Gollums finger the first sign of it attempting to get back to Sauron? Signifying that he had got enough of his earlier power back as the Necromanzer to actively start looking for it.

I think it would be logical that the effect the ring had on the  wearer would also then increase as Saurons power grew. And have an infinitely stronger effect on Frodo at the end of LotRs than it ever had on Bilbo.

In that context it seems a bit too much too soon for me.

Unfortunately, it must be admitted that that's the angle the movies are going for, i.e. Sauron growing in power and the Ring having that effect on Bilbo. But that angle sucks.