Odo Banks Investigates

I'll keep my eyes peeled.

"Its down his trousers!"

"Up his trunk."

YES, just now !

I'm already afraid of where this is heading.  

Scene 1


[Scene 1: Odo Banks putting on his trousers as the Maid leaves with her feather duster to do the chandeliers in the Sitting Room. He carefully gives a large tub of pineapple jelly a wide berth and goes to stand before the mantleshelf looking very satisfied as he snaps his braces into place over his shoulders. His niece, Mirabella comes in with his cup of tea and a copy of the Archet Times on a tray and lays them upon the parlour table. Odo looks at her in surprise, slightly flushed.]

Odo: Oh Bella! I did not know you had already arrived!

Mirabella: It's Sunday morning, Uncle Odo. I always bring you your morning tea on Sundays at 10.00am by the Forumshire Reckoning.

Odo: [looking at his wristwatch] Oh yes. I've overlooked the time. Got a bit tied up with the Maid... Just as well you did not come in five minutes earlier, I suppose.

Mirabella: Why's that Uncle?

Odo: Never mind, dear.

[Mirabella lays out the Archet Times in front of him. Odo picks it up and gives it a loving sniff].

Odo: Nothing like the smell of a freshly printed respectable rag at morning tea, my dear.

[Odo's expression suddenly becomes one of shock as he looks at the front page].

Odo: Great rollicking troll-legs! What's this?

Mirabella: Oh Uncle. What ever is the matter?

Odo: Here. Take a look yourself!



THE ARCHET TIMES

Have you seen this gerbil?






Lord Eldorion Frowning's gerbil goes missing!

Lord Eldorion from the Ivory Tower, told the Archet Times that his pet gerbil, Tyrant, was in his comfortable little bed last night and that was the last time he saw him. Lord Eldorion has been crying all night and wants him back and has offered to handsomely reward anyone who can supply information leading to the arrest of the felonious nefarious thief.

Any information should be forwarded to Captain Dave Beardy of the Needlehole Shiriff's Office, Bottom Lane.

Homo Longsausage,
The Archet Times
Buckland South.  


Mirabella: I wonder what Lord Eldorion was doing with it in his bed?

Odo: Never mind that, girl. I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for it. The pinch is: who would so boldly steal a gerbil from between a Forumshire Aristocrat's satin sheets?

Mirabella: Well, there is that group at the Fjordianlandian Backpackers Hostel in Pumpkin Grove...

Odo: Yes - foreigners...

Mirabella: And, of course, there is that subservient Scotshobbit Batman of Lord Eldorion's --- Petty Gerbilkiss...

Odo: Mmm... yes, yes.... Beady eyed too!

Mirabella: And what about those recent Bree-landian arrivals down at the Refugee Camp behind the Duck and Muck?    

Odo: I better start writing this down...

Mirabella: Oh Uncle Odo. You're not going to start another of your investigations, are you?

Odo: I am, my dear. We can't leave a serious and baffling Case like this to the Shiriff's Office. If I had left the Case of the Missing Ram to them, who knows where we would have been? Who would ever have known it had jumped the fence into Farmer Maggot's flock of ewes if I had not been on the job?

Mirabella: Ooh... this is exciting. You know, one day in the future I plan to become a Shiriff.

Odo: You're a mere girl of sixteen dear. There's plenty of time in the future for that. Now, where should I start my investigation?

Mirabella: Perhaps you could go see Miss Gloriana Figg. She seems to keep her finger on the pulse. She may have already heard a rumour or two.

Odo: Good idea - though I won't allow her to sit her ginger puss, Lativia, on my lap this time. Left hair everywhere, she did!

Mirabella: Oh Uncle Odo. She's got the fluffiest pussy in Needlehole. How could you possibly not like her plomped on your lap?

Odo: Well, that may be. But I fear Gloriana Figg's a bit free and easy with that puss of hers. Not everyone likes them, you know.

Mirabella: I guess so. That nice young Fjordianlandia Military Exchange Student, Ringo Herring, caused a right row when she sat it on his lap, I've heard.

Odo: Allergic to pussies, I believe. Many Fjordianlandian men and boys are, by all accounts.

Mirabella: Can I come along and help you investigate, Uncle Odo? I would surely love to learn from you how to solve mysteries.

Odo: Of course, my dear, but if it gets dangerous, you'll have to go home immediately.

Mirabella: Of course, Uncle Odo. I am, after all, just a girl.  

 

to be continued...

"Petty Gerbilkiss"


 

I'm usually no good at picking out the guilty party in these whodunnits, Petty -- but this Gerbilkiss chap already sounds a bit dodgy in my opinion... I mean --- he's a Scotshobbit for a start!

Mirabella: I wonder what Lord Eldorion was doing with it in his bed?

Odo: Never mind that, girl. I'm sure he had a perfectly good reason for it.

See, I knew what direction this was heading before it even began!   

''Odo: Well, that may be. But I fear Gloriana Figg's a bit free and easy with that puss of hers. Not everyone likes them, you know''

  

2

[Scene 2: Takes place at Gloriana Figg's lavish house.  It is a Georgian style house, ornate, sumptuous, two storeyed; an ornate mansion riddled with ivory adornments; quite surprising when you consider that Georgia was a long way away and had not been discovered yet. Odo and Mirabella come up to the door. Odo knocks and neatens his jacket].

Mirabella: Oh Uncle Odo. I always feel a little excitement when I visit Gloriana Figg's. There is something both orderly and erratic about her. Something mild and meek and yet leaden with explosive power. Something safe and secure and wildly unpredictable. Something chaste and yet subersively erotic.

Odo: Hrrmm... You  speak of contradictions and ambiguities - intimimate womanly things - that surely only another female could ever possibly understand - and probably not even them...  

[Door opens]

Odo: Oh Madame Figg - we were just commenting on you and women in general.

Gloriana: I only hope it was nothing... untoward...

[Odo blushes]

Odo: Hrrrmm... no, not at all - or, I don't think so...

Gloriana: You're here about the missing Gerbil, aren't you?

Odo: My gawd. How ever did you know?

Gloriana: I know many many things. What I don't know is not worth knowing.

Mirabella: Your mind must be like the Forumshiran Encyclopedia, Madame Figg!

Gloriana: Oh I don't know so much about that! I only know what I can be bothered with... and gerbils are cute, let's be honest. Will you come in.

[Scene 2 B. In Gloriana Figg's sitting room].

Odo: [Reclining comfortably in a sumptuous armchair]. Your pussy, Madame Figg? Lovely! But I do hope it doesn't leave hair all over my trousers today.. I don't mean to seem rude about it...

Gloriana: Never you mind my pussy, Mister Banks. [She smiles winningly].

Odo: I can't see it at the moment...

Gloriana: No, no. When I saw your handsome face through my window, I thought it best to put her away. I know how easily distracted you are by pussies... and this gerbil business being such a serious matter.  

Odo: Thank you, Madame...

Gloriana: You must call me Gloriana, Mister Banks...

Odo: [blushing] .. and you must call me Odo then...

Mirabella: And you must call me Bella - Madame Figg.
 
Gloriana: And you must call me Gloriana - Bella... You are such a pretty young lass, you know, in your chic skirt that shows to good effect your shapely knees.

Bella: Your own yellow chiffon gown shows off your ankles to equally good effect.

Odo: So long as no one calls anyone late for dinner, I'm sure all will be well. [Laughs nervously and crosses his legs]

Gloriana: Now - down to business, Odo. You have come here to see what I know.

Odo: That's true. What do you know?

Gloriana: Only dark hints and whispers. Lord Eldorion likes his gerbils all right.

Odo: But who might have stolen his gerbil? Have you heard anything?

Gloriana; No, nothing at all.

Odo: Nothing?

Gloriana: Not a thing.

Odo: Oh.

Gloriana: I see you're disappointed. And I can only add to the mystery. [Gloriana unexpectedly bursts into tears]

Bella: Oh Gloriana. What ever is the matter?

Gloriana: It's my gerbil... Tutu. She's --- missing!



to be continued...