An Unexpected Journey as seen by Petty Tyrant

Pettytyrant101 wrote:“What bloody maps?” Bilbo retorted, “Have you seen a single map here? And even if I did have an interest in maps how the hell would you know? You've only just met me and you've never asked. Anyone would think you were basing that on knowledge of a future me who had a well known interest in maps,” he concluded.

Goddamit, you are brutal, Petty.

Pettytyrant101 wrote:“So this is the burglar is it?” Thorin said taking in Bilbo, “Can you use a sword?”

“What sort of a bloody stupid question is that?” Bilbo retorted, “I'm a hobbit, dwarves see hobbits all the time, the road to the Blue Mountains goes right through the Shire, how many hobbit have you seen with a sword then? Come on?” Bilbo demanded.

“Well,” Thorin said faltering, “None now you come to mention it.”

“Well then! And whatever the hell you are doing here I'm pretty sure you didn't come here to hire a hobbit as a warrior,” Bilbo concluded and then pointed at Dwalin, “Besides he couldn't be more the stereotypical looking warrior in the group if you had 'warrior' tattooed across his forehead.”

That was great  
I can imagine Bilbo becoming angry and derailing the plot for ten minutes by yelling at Thorin.  
We all wanted to.

Gandalf leant in the saddle of his horse and passed a small bag of coins to Bofur, “First chance you get,” Gandalf said, “Put all that on no7 running in the 2.15.”

Just at that moment Bilbo came huffing and puffing over the hill, his enormous hairy feet hindering his ability to run through the long grass at every step and making him look somewhat like a clown with comedy shoes on.

“Where the hell where you?” Bilbo demanded of Gandalf between getting his breath back.

“Sorry,” Gandalf replied, “I had some bets to place and I completely forgot about you, but here you are now and all well.”

“I signed your stupid contract,” Bilbo said handing the layered parchment to Balin who inspected the signature.

“Welcome to the Company of Thorin Oakenshield,” Balin smiled down at him, “get him a pony.”

Bilbo was quickly put on a pony and almost immediately began to sneeze and reached for his pocket handkerchief, and discovered that despite having all the time in the world and not being at all flustered or rushed out the door when he left, he had forgotten to bring it.

“Stop, stop we have to go back, I've forgotten my handkerchief and its one of those things everyone remembers from the book so I have to at least mention it,” Bilbo said loudly waving the procession to a halt.

“Its ok” Bofur called out from his pony, “we can use this as an excuse for some weak comedy instead. Here take mine,” he said drawing a sodden piece of disgusting leather out from his saddle bag and throwing it at Bilbo,”I use it mop up the pony piss with.”

Bilbo dutifully sniffed the offending article and pulled a comic face.

“Now what happens?” he said to Gandalf as they all set off again with the dwarves laughing uproariously at the depth of their own wit.

“Oh, while I say all this there will probably be a travelling montage of some sort and then we will stop for the night so Balin can give us a lot of exposition about Thorin.”

“What?!” Bilbo exclaimed surprised, “but the whole start was just flashbacks and exposition, we only just got on the move, shouldn't something exciting happen now? Like you mysteriously leave us to fend for ourselves but refuse to say where you are going and then there is a huge storm and we lose our horses and baggage in a frightful flood?”

“No,” Gandalf said firmly, “We are going to stop and talk some more and maybe have another lengthy flashback.”

“Oh,” said Bilbo disappointed, “Its not as exciting, this adventure lark, as I had been led to believe.”


That night they set up camp on a dramatic outcrop of stone with a high ledge that gave Thorin somewhere to stand and look heroic whilst the others set up camp.

Bilbo went over to where their ponies were tied and surreptitiously fed one an apple in the vague hope when something nasty happened to them people might care.

He patted the pony, but just then there came a series of blood-curdling wails and calls in the night and he scuttled back fearfully to the light of the camp fire.

“What was that?” he asked nervously, wondering if after all something exciting was going to happen.

“Orcs,” Kili said, unless it was Fili.

“The lands are full of them” Fili said, or maybe Kili, and they grinned at one another seeing the look of fear on Bilbo's face.

“Really?” said Gandalf pricking up his ears, ”What happened to the Dunedain? You will be telling me next that the Rangers have all gone south for a holiday and that orcs are using Weathertop openly as a base of operations!” and he chuckled at the ridiculousness of his own words.

“Do you think a night attack by orcs is a joke?” Thorin interjected angrily addressing Kili and Fili, or possibly the other way round.

Thorin stomped off to stare moodily off the ridge and into the night saying to the two younger dwarves, “You know nothing of the world.”

“Never mind him laddie,” Balin said to Kili, or Fili, “Thorin has more reason than most to hate orcs. After the dragon came King Thror tried to reclaim Moria , but our enemy got there first.”

“We know all that, we are dwarves, we do know our own family history you know,” Kili and Fili retorted.

“Yes, well,” Balin stuttered, “the hobbit doesn't know it,” he said latching onto Bilbo, “Right Bilbo, are you listening? Because I'm going to get through this if it kills me laddie. Long ago the dwarves tried to retake Moria, but our enemy got there first.”

“Hold on,” Bilbo said putting up a hand, “You are talking as you have an invisible audience who already know all about this place, perhaps in other film set after these events, it doesn't seem like you are addressing anyone here at all! What's Moria? I'm a hobbit, I've never left the Shire before, I'm going to need more background here.”

“Oh, right,” Balin said, “fine, Moria was the ancient and most famous of the kingdoms of the Dwarves, the greatest there has ever been until a demon, the Balrog killed the King and drove out all its people, and its been abandoned ever since. Happy now?” Balin said.

“Ok, “ Bilbo replied, “so you were going to reclaim it then. So you had found a way to kill this Balrog then?”

“What? No, of course not, not even Durin's folk could do that and they were at the height of dwarven power in the world.”

“So why were you trying to reclaim it then?” Bilbo asked with a frown.

“Well, we forgot it was there,” Balin said sheepishly.

“How many dwarves were in this battle?” Bilbo asked, still frowning.

“Thousands,” Balin relpied.

“And none of you remembered that your most famous kingdom had a ruddy huge demon in it? Not even when you were all there fighting outside?”

“Look, am I going to tell you this tale or not?” Balin said crossly.

“Yes, by all means go on,” Bilbo said, “it just doesn't seem to make a lot of sense that's all.”

“Right,” Balin said continuing on, “our enemy was led by the most terrible orc ever, you could tell that right away as he was twice the size of everyone else, looked nothing like an orc and he was an albino. If you've ever seen Promtheus he looked like kind of like one of the Engineers in it.”

“Ok,” Bilbo said slowly.

“He was called Azog the Defiler,” Balin said in fearful tones and Thorn doubled his efforts in looking moody at the ledges edge.

“Why was he called that then?” Bilbo asked.

“What?” Balin said annoyed at being interrupted again, “because he cut of the Kings head in the battle and, gratuitously for a story like this aimed at children, held the bloodied head up for all to see.”

“So he can't have been called the defiler at the time then,” Bilbo pointed out, “if he hadn't actually defiled anyone until the battle I mean.”

“What?” Balin said agin flustered, completely losing track of the tale, “yes fine, ok, he was called Azog the Defiler after the battle.  Anyway, that is when I saw him,” Balin said nodding towards Thorin who had been listening in for his cue and puffed his chest and jutted out his barely bearded chin in heroic fashion, “a young dwarf Prince,” Balin continued, “although he looked almost exactly the same as he does now, facing down the pale orc. His shield broken beneath him and knocked flat on his arse he took up an oaken branch as his shield. Which was a really luck find as there wasn't a tree around for miles and I've no idea what this bit of one was doing in the middle of a battle portrayed as taking place exclusively on bare rock. But still there it was, he took up the Oaken shield and with his sword swept off the arm of the pale orc.”

Thorin coughed discreetly.

“Killed the pale orc, I mean,” Balin amended and Bilbo noticed everyone looked very shady and staring at the ground.

“So he is definitely dead then?” Bilbo asked, “It feels like he should be but then why bring him up at all if he is?”

“Well,” Balin said in a low conspiratorial voice, “he was seen afterwards being taken inside Mora by some other orcs.”

“He is dead!” Thorin said with certainty but without turning round.

“Um,yes, dead,” Balin agreed, “definitely dead.” And everyone again suddenly took a keen interest in their own shoes.

“So what happened then?” Bilbo asked, hoping to get to to the end of all this exposition.

“Well we remembered about the demon and realised we couldn't retake Moria and that the whole thing had been a complete waste of time and lives, so we just went home,” Balin concluded, “now get some sleep laddie, something might actually happen tomorrow, you never know.”

Bilbo got under his blanket and laid himself down to sleep, wondering if any of this was ever going to make the slightest bit of sense and fearing that it would only get worse.

On a nearby ridge an ominous plot addition observed them and then withdrew to tell its master of the whereabouts of the dwarf who had certainly not killed him.

''Bilbo was quickly put on a pony and almost immediately began to sneeze and reached for his pocket handkerchief, and discovered that despite having all the time in the world and not being at all flustered or rushed out the door when he left, he had forgotten to bring it.''

  ..and completely ruins one of the most iconic scenes in literature. I hope Jackson reads this one day, and I hope he blushes.

this is your best work yet Petty  

Thanks Figgs.  More to come later tonight!

yeah but it's an adaptation...also the travelling montage r da bomb

I hated the movie's version of the War of the Dwarves and Orcs from the beginning, but you're doing a great job of skewering everything that doesn't make sense and showing exactly why. And you're really making me want to rewatch the film since it's been nine months since I've seen it.

 “Well we remembered about the demon and realised we couldn't retake Moria and that the whole thing had been a complete waste of time and lives, so we just went home,” Balin concluded, “now get some sleep laddie, something might actually happen tomorrow, you never know.”

 

Agreed with Figgs about The Hankerchief...as the whole joke about Bilbo being nudged at the door had been jetisoned (another continuity error with Fellowship) I'd rather they'd just left it out...
Any plans to cover the LOTR trilogy? (I actually like those alot...but you are really too good as this for your own good petty!)

LotR's- that would be an epic parody to undertake! But you never know, one day.

you raise a good question Petty; why retake Moria is they all knew the Balrog was still inside? Is that a PJ or Tolkien error?

Pj of course Tin!

Doesn't happen like that at all in Tolkien- the fight outside Moria is merely the final battle in the long underground war between the dwarves and the goblins in revenge for Azog murdering the King and sending his head back to the dwarves with Azog branded on it (the real reason he was known as the Defiler)- in the book there are no plans to retake Moria or even attempt to.

The mess in TH film is one entirely of PJ's own making.

The next day it was raining heavily as the troop of ponies drudged eastwards with Gandalf at their head.

“Cant you do anything about this rain?” Dori demanded, who was riding several ponies behind  Bilbo.

“If you want to change the weather of the world Master Dwarf” Gandalf replied sharply, “Find yourself another wizard.”

“Are there any?” Bilbo asked.

“Yes, there are five of us,” Gandalf replied, “two of whom I cant mention for copyright reasons, and then there is... ”

“Hold on,” Bilbo interrupted, “Is this going to be one of those linking lines? You know like you get on daytime tv shows where they have to move seamlessly from a feature on flower arranging to someone with a giant pair of gonads? Because it feels like one.”

“Well, yes, it is as a matter of fact,” said Gandalf, “this will segue neatly into cutting to another wizard in another part of the world in a few minutes,” Gandalf informed in with a nod.

“What?” Bilbo said annoyed, “But we haven't got going yet, all we've done is a walking montage, more flashbacks and talk. I haven't learned a thing or had any adventures so far. And now we are going to go elsewhere and introduce a whole new character and story line? I thought this story was about me?”

“Well you thought wrong,” Gandalf replied,  “now where was I? Oh yes, the other wizards, as I was saying there are five of us, the two who cannot be named or we get sued, then there is Saruman the White,  head of our order, not that you'd know it in this, and Radagast the Brown.”

“So tell me about this Saruman,” Bilbo mused, “he sounds important.”

“No, no Bilbo, wrong one, ask about Radagast,” Gandalf shook his head in annoyance.

“Sorry,” Bilbo said with a roll of his eyes, “he didn't sound that important, and I had a feeling he wasn't supposed to be in this tale, but fine, what's this Radagast like then?”

“Quite silly in fact,” Gandalf replied with a frown, “but a splendid fellow, if you keep him away from sharp objects and remember to give him the the plastic cutlery. He lives far to the east, on the edge of Greenwood the Great, which should be called Mirkwood by now but we've altered all the time lines so that happens during the course of this story,” Gandalf added.

“But that will leave less time and focus for my story!” Bilbo cried.

“Be quiet Bilbo!” Gandalf snapped, “you, are no longer that important, see, we are transitioning to Greenwood the Great now.”

And so they were.

Far to the east, over mountains and rivers and tricky to cross hilly terrain on the very edge of a massive forest known in this as Greenwood the Great was a house built by Disney.

It grew out of or was part of, a living tree, a twisty, humorous house to denote the eccentric nature of its mushroom eating owner, Radagast the Brown. So called due to the unfortunate effects consuming large quantities of psychotropic mushrooms can have on the bowels.

Inside the house Radagast was stooped over the prone form of a hedgehog, he was pretty sure it was dying, but had not managed to cure it yet as he kept bursting out in fits of giggles at the very human expressions on its hedgehog face.

Another group of hedgehogs on loan from Disney were gathered round watching keenly and chatting among themselves as Radagast tried everything from his best weed to the special sticks he had ordered in from Thailand, and still the hedgehog did not respond beyond an occasional weak half smile.

“I don’t understand,” Radagast wailed, “I've tried all my best gear.”

He scurried around and returned with what might have been a purple crystal or a vial, it gave the impression the props people had not been sure when they had been tasked with making it, but nevertheless Radagast held it to the hedgehogs mouth and cradled the animal in his arms and began chanting, comically rolling his eyes back in his sockets as he did so.

This meant he missed the shadowy shapes that crept over the windows outside his house, the silhouettes of spiders, but only silhouettes and the occasional glimpsed leg mind, as they were not supposed to be in the story until the second film and so did not want to ruin things by showing themselves prematurely.

Suddenly a black gas was drawn out form the hedgehog in Radagast's arms and it sparked back into animated life, and I do mean animated. All the other hedgehogs cheered.

Radagast noticed then the spidery shadows, noticed them retreating because the script said they should and ran outdoors just in time to glimpse, but no more, the spiders disappearing into the forest.

“Now where did those foul creatures come from?” Radagast wondered, but luckily for him just at that moment a small blue bird who just happened to be passing on its way home from visiting Snow White hovered up to his ear and chirped the answer to him.

“The old fortress,” Radagast said for the benefit of no one, “Show me! Now what is the most ludicrous impracticable way I could get there through a dense forest?” he mused as he hurried back to his house.

He saddled up some giant rabbits and attached them to a sleigh he had borrowed from Father Christmas, “This seems stupid enough!” he declared dragging on a joint, “I hope these aren't the ones that turn back into pumpkins at midnight.”

He lashed at the reins and the rabbits hopped forward, the sleigh jerked alarmingly into the air and hit the ground hard, ran into a friction problem and flipped end over end, “needs more work,” Radagast mused from amidst the wreckage and a cloud of grass smoke.

A short time later, and a lot of magic later from the people at Weta, he set off again into the forest heading for the old fortress but still looking completely preposterous.






Back across the hills, the rivers, and the mountain range Bilbo, the dwarves and Gandalf road up a low green slope. The rain had stopped and a wood lay before them among rocky hills.

A deserted and partially collapsed farm house stood before them and they slowed as they approached it.

Gandalf dismounted and walked into the ruined building, “A farmer and his wife used to live here,” he said ominously to Thorin who had joined him, “it is not safe to remain here,” he added nosing the air and every wizardly sense clearing indicating that some terrible thing had befallen the homes inhabitants.

“No, we will camp here,” Thorin stubbornly insisted.

“If you like,” Gandalf replied, seemingly immediately forgetting his forebodings, “we shall make for the elves tomorrow,” Gandalf informed him, “which I know will annoy you.”

“Yes, it does,” Thorin replied, staring moodily and standing with his legs slightly apart, “I will not go near the elves.”

“Why not?” Gandalf demanded, “they can help us. Elrond can read the map.”

“Maybe,” Thorin responded, “but I am irrationally stubborn and refuse to budge on this matter. I hate all elves.”

“But why?” Gandalf asked.

“That hasn't been made clear by the script yet,” Thorin replied gruffly, “but I definitely do not like the buggers.”

“A plague on all dwarves!” cried Gandalf, “lets see how you manage on your own then,” and he stormed out the farmhouse passed the other dwarves and Bilbo.

“Where are you going?” Bilbo asked as Gandalf swept by.

“Somewhere away from dwarves!” Gandalf replied.

“But you cant go now,” Bilbo insisted, “what if something happens to us during the night and you have to rescue us? It will just seem like a cheap trick. Now if you'd say left ages ago, and we had lost all our baggage and ponies in a big storm in the meantime and been in dire straits people would be focused on our plight and have had time to forget about you, and your reappearance at a crucial time would have been a lovely surprise, now it will just seem cheap and tacky.”

Gandalf humphed at him angrily, frowned crossly and stomped off into the trees only pausing to shout back, “And look after my horse, apparently I'm just going to leave it here so I doubt I am going to go very far!”

Pettytyrant101 wrote:“Well you thought wrong,” Gandalf replied, “now where was I? Oh yes, the other wizards, as I was saying there are five of us, the two who cannot be named or we get sued, then there is Saruman the White, head of our order, not that you'd know it in this, and Radagast the Brown.”

 

Night had fallen over the dwarves camp.

Bofur was at a cooking fire, serving bowls of stew to the hungry dwarves.

Bombur was hovering nearby hoping to get a line to say but having to make do with just reminding everyone he was the humorous fat one by standing near some food.

“He's been away a long time,” Bilbo said coming up to the fire.

“Who has?” Bofur asked.

“Gandalf,” Bilbo replied.

“He only just left last scene, don't go reminding everyone about him so soon, it'll ruin it when he turns back up,” Bofur scooped out two bowls worth of stew and handed them to Bilbo, “here, take these to the lads,” he said nodding vaguely and leaving Bilbo unsure who he meant.

In the end Bilbo decided they must be for Kili and Fili, or for Fili and Kili, who had been tasked with watching the ponies, which they had tethered inexplicably some distance from their camp among the trees of the nearby wood, where there was no proper grass for them to feed on and it was tricky for them to move tethered without risking some injury.

He found the two dwarves standing staring at the ponies.

“We may have a problem,” Kili, probably, said to Bilbo as he approached.

“We had 16 ponies,” Fili, maybe, reminded him, “now we only have 14. We thought as our official burglar you might like to investigate what happened.”

“Well, all right,” Bilbo said and went to where the ponies were tethered.

It was not hard to work out that something very large had come into the forest as trees were uprooted and knocked to the ground all around, “Well clearly something very large and probably dangerous came through here and took them,” Bilbo pointed out.

“That's what we thought,” Kili affirmed, or it could have been Fili.

“Hang on,” Bilbo said with a frown, “so you two were guarding the ponies, from what, just over there, about twenty foot away, and you never heard anything? Or saw anything?”

“Not a thing,” one of them shrugged.

“Seriously, something huge came in here, smashed down all these trees, grabbed two presumably panicking, neighing, ponies and walked off with them, and you didn't notice anything at all?”

Just then the ground trembled and there was a loud snapping of branches.

They all ducked below a bush as a huge troll strode passed them, with a pony under each arm.

“Hey that's the pony I once fed an apple to,” Bilbo declared, “that means I care about it! We have to go rescue it.”

“Yes, you do,” Kili or admittedly it could have been Fili, said.

Bilbo frowned again, looked at the retreating troll and then back the way it had come,  “That troll just came from the same direction I did,” he observed.

“And?” one of the dwarves said.

“Well that means it either just walked right through our camp, or right past it, stomping loudly, crashing through trees, carrying two ponies and no one saw or heard it?”

“Seems so,” one of the brothers shrugged.

“And if it was taking them over there, deeper into the wood, why did it go all the way back over there first, passed our camp, just to turn round and walk straight back again? Or are those two more ponies its taken? In which case how did it get past us from over there without us seeing it, and why didn't we hear it? I can't make heads or tails of this! And what's wrong with the ponies, why weren't they struggling, or kicking or bucking or anything? They are completely calm. Not so much as a worried neigh. Does it not bother either of you that none of this set-up makes any sense whatsoever?”

“Never mind all that, just go investigate, you've been complaining about a lack of adventure,” Fili or Kili said and all three began creeping forward in the direction the troll had gone.

Soon they could see there were three trolls around a large camp fire.

“Don't you want to? Are you not in the mood or something?” Kili, most likely, asked Bilbo.

“Pardon?” Bilbo said.

“Well its just Gandalf said hobbits could move completely silently when they wanted to, and I couldn't help but notice that when you move you make just as much noise rustling bushes and snapping twigs as we dwarves do. So I thought maybe you didn't want to move silently, despite the trolls.”

“Um,” Bilbo said startled, “hold on, let me just check,” he took a few tentative steps forward through the undergrowth and heard the leaves rustling and a twig snap beneath his foot, “oh bloody hell!” he lamented, “the foley people can't have read the script. I hope they fix it before I have to creep up on those trolls.”

“Good idea! Off you go then, creep up on them,” said one of the dwarves, or it might have been the other one, “If you get in trouble hoot twice like a barn owl and once like a brown owl.”

“Hey that's actually from the book!” Bilbo said surprised and pleased, “do I get to say how I don't even know how to hoot once like a barn owl?”

“No” said Kili, or Fili as they ducked back into the undergrowth leaving Bilbo alone.

“Bollocks!” Bilbo muttered under his breath and tried to creep forward silently without the aid of the foley people.

 

I lost it at the foley people part. Brilliant stuff, Petty. Are you making this up as you go or did you have an outline?

Just making it up as I go along Eldo, but Ive decided its not actually a parody, more just describing what PJ actually had the cheek to put on screen- it so messy, full of holes, lacking in basic structure, sense or development that it parodies itself just by writing it down.

That makes it all the more impressive. I recognize a lot of the same complaints from the reviews we wrote back when the film came out, but your sense of comic timing and sharp dialogue make it an incredibly entertaining read while also being a masterful discourse on the flaws of AUJ.

Thanks Eldo, its a lot of fun to write too.

Cautiously Bilbo crept through the undergrowth. He noticed a crude, but effective pen of wood off to one side of the trolls fire, it contained their ponies.

Bilbo did a quick head count of the ponies, frowned, looked back the way he had come to where the ponies had been penned and frowned again.

“How the hell did they all get in there?” he wondered out loud, “this is a complete mess.”

Still at least he had made up his mind what to do, he would rescue the ponies, especially the one he had fed the apple to.

With renewed determination he crept closer to the where the animals were penned, the trolls were arguing among themselves around the fire, every so often one of them pulled out a handkerchief and blew his nose into it like a cartoon clown, Bilbo half expected the trolls nose to make a honking noise when squeezed.

He tried to untie the rope holding the gate to the pen together, although why the trolls had bothered putting a gate on it was a bit of a mystery as they were large enough to just drop the ponies in from above, but still it at least meant Bilbo could set them free and seemingly that was all the purpose it was here to serve.

Unfortunately the rope was tied too tightly and was too thick for Bilbo's hands to undo, in frustration he looked around.

“I wish I could find a way to prove to those dwarves I am a burglar, but then they haven't really doubted me so far so or really brought it up so I am not inclined or at all motivated to go anywhere near those trolls to say, try and steal a purse off one of them, and prove my worth,” then he noticed one of the trolls, the one sitting closest to him had a large crudely made knife in his belt. Bilbo looked back at the knotted rope keeping the ponies contained and back at the knife.

“Am I really willing to put my life on the line for some ponies just because I know two of their names and fed one an apple?” he wondered to himself, “I mean I could maybe see my risking my neck to prove a point, and because I was tired, and exhausted and we had no supplies or food, but that's not the case at all, I could just go back to camp and tell the other dwarves there are three trolls here with our ponies and let them decide what to do, its Fili and Kili, or Kili and Fili that are to blame for this after all, I was just bringing them dinner,” he hesitated, undecided, “oh bugger it, it's been deathly boring so far this adventure, I may as well go get the knife for want of something better to do,” he shrugged, “But I'll never make it all the way there without doing a comedy double take,” he thought, “But I must try.”

Half crouching, half-walking he scuttled towards the trolls at their fire, got half way, did a comedy double take and spun on his heels and went back the way he had come, changed his mind again for comic effect, spun back round again and proceeded to creep up on the trolls pulling a popular variety of Martin Freeman comedy faces through the ages as he did so, before finally managing to get behind the troll bearing the knife.

Bilbo paused, crouching behind the troll and stealing his nerve.

Above him the trolls were arguing, “Just needs a sprinkle of squirrel dung,” one was saying.

“Ere, Bert,” said a snivel voiced troll, the one with the cold who was called Tom, “didn't we used to have better dialogue than this?”

Bert grabbed Tom by his leaking nose, “These are the lines we've got. Now, sit down!” he shoved Tom back into his seat.

Bert took up a laddle and hit Tom on the head with it to a satisfying comedy 'bonk' noise, behind them Bilbo shook his head in sad despair.

The knife Bilbo had come for was within arms reach, he eyed it up, it was very long and the entire blade was through the band at the trolls waist with only a long handle showing above, even if he could draw it out, he would never be tall enough to actually get it fully out of the belt, it was impossible, he hesitated wondering what to do.

Bert took up the ladle and drank from a bubbling pot on the fire and then sighed satisfied and offered some to Tom, “'Ere, get yer laughing gear round that then,” he said.

“Seriously though?” Tom said, “laughing gear, that's our dialogue, we used to do accidental puns, humorous word play, d'ye remember?”

Bert hit him again with the ladle, “Just you get on and do another comedy sneeze,” he said waving the ladle at Tom.

“Awright!” Tom squealed, wrinkled his large nose and reached behind himself to grab his handkerchief and instead grabbed Bilbo.

With a shocked squeal Bilbo was swept up in the trolls hand straight to the trolls nose where a copious amount of green snot was deposited all over him in low comedy fashion.

“Ere, look what's come out of me hooter!” Tom squealed, “and listen to the rubbish coming out me mouth!” he added.

“What is it?” Bert asked as they stared at Bilbo lying on the ground where he had been dropped dripping with troll snot in the most unfunny fashion.

“Ere,” Bert said prodding Bilbo, “what are you?”

“I'm a burglar” Bilbo said in panic, “Uh, a hobbit!”

Bilbo cursed under his breath, “Sorry, I got that wrong, can we go back , I mean you are bound to know what a burglar is.”

“A burglarhobbit?” Tom said puzzled, “What's a burglarhobbit.”

“What?” Bilbo said staring at them and blinking, “Really? You are going with that?”

“Let's cook him!” roared Bert and reached out to grab Bilbo who darted away straight into another troll, spun round and through Tom's legs and was swept up by Bert who held him dangling upside down.

“Are there any more of you round 'ere?” Bert demanded to know.

“Lots, I mean none!” Bilbo cried.

Bert frowned, “What?”

“We're not doing that bit either?” Bilbo asked in a low voice and shook his head, “ask me again.”

“Are there any more of you round e're?” Bert repeated.

“No,” said Bilbo with a sigh.

“He's lying!” Tom cried, “hold his toes in the fire!”

“Oh yeah!” Bilbo wailed, “use that line from the book why don't you!”

But just at that moment Fili, unless it was Kili rushed up behind the trolls and with a sweep of his sword struck Tom on the achilles. “Let him go,” Kili or if not Fili, yelled.

“You what?” Bert asked as Bilbo dangled there cringing.

“I said,” Kili, or at a push Fili said pausing for dramatic effect, “let him go!”

“All right!” Bert replied and casually tossed Bilbo end over end through the air towards Fili, or Kili, whichever one it was.

“Oh bugger!” thought Bilbo has the world spun around him, “I'm probably going break some bones here or at the very least end up badly bruised and winded!”

He crashed into Fili, unless it was Kili and they both impacted on the hard earth.

Bilbo sat up in a panic and patted himself, “Oh!” he thought, “I'm absolutely fine.”

Just then the rest of the dwarves came screaming and yelling through the woods and broke around him from the trees and leapt at the trolls weapons drawn.

Bilbo got unsteadily to his feet. Before him dwarves were sliding along the ground hitting trolls, rolling through the air hitting trolls and generally having a very improbable time of it indeed, but it did give Bilbo the opportunity to get the trolls knife which was inexplicably lying on the ground.

He darted between fighting trolls and dwarves, amazed at how no matter how hard or how deeply the dwarves struck the trolls it made no difference at all. He even saw Balin smash one troll square in the mouth, sending a shower of teeth spraying out, but when the troll got back to its feet its teeth had reappeared again.

He ducked as a dwarf shot by over head, bounced, got back up and retuned to the fray.

Bilbo hefted up the troll knife and began cutting on the ropes holding the gate of the pen.

The ponies neighed loudly in a panic, “Oh yes panic now,” Bilbo thought sourly as the rope snapped in two and the gate swung open, allowing the panic stricken beasts to run out.

Bert glanced his way, the dwarves all choosing to be busy elsewhere so Bert could get a long ominous look at Bilbo.

Thorin and the dwarves had got spread out, fighting was random and spectacular if not highly credible. But somehow the three trolls managed to group together, Bert in the middle, he was holding Bilbo, with the hobbits arms outstretched.

“Put down your weapons” Bert said to the dwarves who by a strange stroke of luck were for the first time in the fight all bunched together in a handy row right in front of the trolls, “Put down your weapons or I'll pull his arms off.”

“And what will you do if we surrender?” Balin asked.

“We'll cook yi, and eat yi,” Bert said.

“So, just to be clear,” Balin said, “If we don’t put down our weapons you will kill Mr Baggins there, and if we do put down our weapons you will kill and eat us all?”

“Yeah” said Bert slightly uncertainly.

The dwarves went into a huddle. Eventually it broke.

“Right,” said Thorin, “we are going to throw down our weapons, but only because we can't see another way out of this mess that will keep the plot going, disgraceful as that is,” and he threw down his sword.

The other dwarves did likewise with their weapons.

“Good,” said Bert, “now if you'd just be so good as to strip down to your undies and could half of you climb into those sacks over there and the other half stand meekly by the fire in a line until Tom 'ere ties you all on to the spit over the fire.”

So many more things to be crabbit about than I originally thought! And what was the point of rescuing the ponies?!?! THEY ALL RAN AWAY AND NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN!

Good stuff. Although I'm not entirely sure how Bilbo went from freeing the ponies to held hostage by Bert. I should watch the movie again (unless it's unclear there too?).

''Half crouching, half-walking he scuttled towards the trolls at their fire, got half way, did a comedy double take and spun on his heels and went back the way he had come, changed his mind again for comic effect, spun back round again and proceeded to creep up on the trolls pulling a popular variety of Martin Freeman comedy faces through the ages as he did so, before finally managing to get behind the troll bearing the knife''

love this bit

Oh!” he thought, “I'm absolutely fine.”

  superb

Thanks guys!

"Although I'm not entirely sure how Bilbo went from freeing the ponies to held hostage by Bert. I should watch the movie again (unless it's unclear there too?)."- Eldo

It happens exactly as confusingly and as unclear Eldo, thats what I was trying to highlight- Bilbo lets the ponies go, Bert looks at him, cut to row of dwarves fighting and Bert threatening to pull Bilbo's arms off- even though seconds before they had all been spread out all over the place randomly fighting.

"And what was the point of rescuing the ponies?!?! THEY ALL RAN AWAY AND NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN!"- Tin

Indeed Tin, I draw attention to this in the next bit, as its even worse than it first appears.