Canthiss and Lydia- a tale of Skyrim

You mean Lydia had the right plan all along?!

Well she is a women

Yes, a servant woman! Canthiss' servant. She is supposed to do what she is bloody well told, not show up poor Canthiss by having bright ideas. Thinking is for men in Skyrim- apart from Lydia the rest of the women either run a shop or stand about towns moaning about their husbands-which is right and proper.
(Well all right I admit Lydia is handy in a fight- it gives the bad guys someone else to hit other than me!)

What about Angi near Falksreach- killed two men who killed her family she did!

Exactly! Typical emotional reaction from a female!

...the continuing tales of Canthiss and Lydia.


AAArrrggggggghhh!!!!! -OOOFF-


WTF!


Ummm.


Lydia!!!!











Lydia- "Oooh, you lucky bastard."

Morrowind is just so much better than Skyrim...and what wonderful music

Still, you have a knack for producing great lps

poor Lydia, now she has Monty Python aliens to deal with.

These are big pictures as they make excellent desktops- but reducing them in size looses a lot of quality- so here they are in their full glory. (Might take a while to load them depending on your connection speed)





























And finally a panaroma view I got by sticking 3 shots together.



Mmmm- those arent as big as I had expected! (or should be) Wonder if either photobucket or the forum shrinks pics over a certain size.

oooh, northern lights

The Continuing adventures of Canthiss and Lydia
Part One



"We're nearly at the city of Masquith Lydia. They say it has some of the most beautiful architecture in Skyrim you know. What do you mean you know already? Your aunt lives there? Well good for your bloody aunt!" "Hey can you hear music?"


"Are you seeing what I'm seeing Lydia? And just to check. What I'm seeing is a cyclops dancing with a harpy."


"Oh bugger they've spotted us. Here we go again!"


Sorry what did you say? Would we like to dance?"


"Lydia! I think this one is yours"


Well ignoring the wings, fangs and blood stained talons Ive woken up next to worse.


(A night of dancing later)


"My feet are killing me. Who would have thought a cyclops would have known the Twist?
What are you grumbling about now Lydia? You want time off to go visit your aunt in Masquith? Fine, but I'm deducting it from your wages. I know I dont pay your wages but Im still deducting it from them!"


"Right there's Masquith. Now where this aunts house of yours Lydia that I've to meet you at later? Dwimmer Lane, past the bridge, next to the waterfall. Yeah course I've got it."


"Ok. Few hours in the local inn. Get a couple of jars in. Listen to a buxom bard. Try to [ick up a job worthy of my name. Go meet Lydia. Its nice to get a break from adventuring and being a hero and the Dragonborn and just get back to being an all round great guy."

(Several hours of drinking later)


Right. (hic) Now to find Lydia. Where was it again? Oh yeah! She said Dwimmer Lane. Dwimmer Lane? Hey, these streets dont have any street names on them! Ok, what else did she say. Oh yeay! Next to the waterfall. Can't be many of them in a city. Hey theres one!


And another!


Bloody hell!


Come off it!!








Oh thank the Gods for a guard house!! "Excuse me could you direct me to Dwimmer Lane? What? Well yes I have been drinking, a bit. What do you mean a curfew? Look. I am trying to get to a house, I just cant find the bloody thing. Give us a break I'm new in town. Yes I promise this will be the last you see of me. Thankyou officer. Now, Dwimmer Lane.
Down the stairs, through the tunnel, up the street and its on the left, can't miss it. Got it. "


Down the stairs, check.


Through the tunnel, check. Think Ill just stop for a quick refesher of ale. Right. Time to go. Is it right next?


Up the street and turn right. Ok. Check.
{Coo}


Ah bollocks!

Part Two

{After a night in the cells}

"Yes thankyou lydia for paying my fine. But what took you so long? No I did not get lost. No, it will not be going in the ballads either! Now be quite woman. Whilst you were gossiping with your aunty I heard tell of a legend. A cursed King of the ancient days. Beneath this very city. And there's more, I know where the entrance is. So come on.


They say beneath here there is a labyrinth, and at its heart sits the cursed king and a secret lost artifact of the Dwimmer, the lost dwarven craftsmen of Legend. There will be many dangers on the way, monsters to fight, perils to dare. Thats the sort of thing you should be singing about me Lydia. Brave. Bold. Daring. Dashing. Tweaking the nose of death, and, erm, tickling the balls of death...you know what I mean. Hero stuff! Because thats me! And here we are. The entrance is down below this waterfall.


"This is the stuff Lydia. Dark caves. Fearful sounds in the dark. This is the sort of thing only legend sdo. What? You don't count Lydia, you're just the Housecarl there can only be one hero and its clearly me."


"What is that you keep reading? Every time we stop, even for a moment you've got your nose in that bloody book. Give it here! '50 Shades of Grey"? I'm adding up every minute I see you reading and docking it from your wages! This isnt a hobbit walking party you know! Hey! Did you hear a soft, nasty sort of moan there? I thnk the monster might have found us."
{Much fighting of monsters such as this-

-and this-

later and getting lost in a labyrinth}


"I made it through Lydia! A horde fof monsters. A labyrinth of traps. The stuff of ballads now eh? Go me! And look its our cursed King!"


"Ok dead dude. Whats the problem and how do we solve it? I beg your pardon? Your remains have been left on your throne in an undignified position? You dont like the way your legs are splayed apart its embarrising? Thats your curse?! Lydia! Stop that giggling right now! Wait! He says there's more."


"They put your body right beneath an old lighting shaft and kids in Masquith pee down onto you! Thats the curse I've fought my way through monsters and a labyrinth of traps to lift? Bad posture and being pissed on! I swear to the Gods Lydia if you dont stop laughing I am going to brain you."


Fine anything for the reward. What do I have to do? Push your legs together and move the chair two feet to the left. Fine. I'll do it.


Hey! Hold on. What about my reward? What do you mean I'll know soon. I want to know now!


Ok. Done it. Hey! Where he go. Where's my reward. And whats that weird humming noise? You hear that Lydia? Sound slike its coming from the next room. Hey look at this crummy statue. What's that supposed to be?


Mmm. Seems to be coming from this throne. Weird, there's sort of metal tentacles or something and a glowing sphere thing. And hey a button to press!What? Oh come one whats the worst can happen? This must be the reward. I'm going to press the button.

See nothing happened!

'Whoooooouummmmmpphh! Wheeeeeeoooomph! EEeiiiiiiiiwwoooooooowwwhh! Weeeeoooooooowwww!'

"Ummmmm? What the hell is that behind you Lydia!"


to be continued......

Part 3


Doctor- Hello! I'm the Doctor.
Canthiss- Its a demon in a magic box. You zap it Lydia and I'll whack him!


Lydia- I don’t think he is a demon. A demon would never wear a tie like that.
Doctor-Hey! Don't dis the bow-tie! Bow-ties are cool.


Doctor-Look I'm not a Demon and that is not a magic box, well it is sort of , but its not really.
Lydia-Its a device of some sort. An unmagical device.
Canthiss-Oh be quite Lydia. You don’t know what your talking about. Its clearly magical and he is clearly a demon. Let's just whack him.



Doctor- You, hush. Listening now. Go on. Why do you think my box is a device? And why do my clothes keep changing?


Lydia-The legend said there was a Dwemmer device in here and the Dwimmer it is said made artefacts of great power yet not of magic. And I dont know why your clothes keep changing.
Doctor-Oooh artefacts. I love an artefact me. Now who are the Dwimmer and where might we find this artefact? Sorry what was your name again?


Canthiss-Canthiss. Dragon Born Saviour of...


Doctor- Shhh, again. I wasn't talking to you.
Canthiss-


Lydia- My name is Lydia. I am Housecarl to the Dragonborn.
Doctor-Right then Lydia, Housecarl to the Dragonborn. Is there any of this Dwemmer stuff in here? Something I can use to get a scan of?


Canthiss-Hey you are not paid to work for him?


Doctor-Still shhhh!


Lydia-There's the throne. There is some sort of Dwemmer device built into it. Canthiss pressed something before your, box appeared.
Perhaps it summoned your device here.
Canthiss-Hey! That is my reward!
Doctor-Oh I like you.


Canthiss-Of course. As I have been trying to tell you, I am Canthiss. Dragonborn. Destiny sits upon my shoulders. Courage is my....


Doctor-Still talking to Lydia.
Canthiss-


Doctor-Right then what have we here? Oh a sparkly globular thing, I love a sparkly globular thing. Lets see what happens when I do this? Aha. Just I thought. Magic and technology.


Doctor- Ooo, hold on! I know where I am. Skyrim. I'm in Skyrim. All that magic- no wonder my clothes keep altering.
The Ancient Realm of Cyrdonia on the planet of Dragons and the Elder Kings. Of course. Woo. This place is the stuff of legends. And I should know.


Canthiss- I'm one of those legends I'll have you know. Canthiss the Dragonborn, saviour of the age. If you'd listen.


Doctor-Not done shooshing you yet. Shh!
This is really early. I mean, really. Of course eventually the First Great and Terrible Gallifrean empire will reach out this far and your entire civilisation will be consumed in war and ravaged by the superior magic and psychic powers of the sisterhood of Pyrthia, and you lot will become just another slave planet of the Empire. Those of you that aren't captured and put in the Death Zones that is. Doomed to certain death....um did I say certain death? I meant uncertain death..But never mind all that eh?- plenty of time before then... I hope. We need to find that artefact?


Canthiss- Would somebody pay attention to me! I am the hero of this saga you know! And that artefact is mine!
Lydia-Why do you need it Doctor?


Doctor-Because whatever it is, its got my TARDIS trapped in that barrier and I can't leave without it.


To be continued......

Lydia- So are we going to help this Doctor or not? I like him. He's cute.

Canthiss- Cute? He looks like a child!



Canthiss-By the way, what the hell have you got on your head girl? Thats to impress him isnt it? You look like you're wearing a shiny tit. Take it off NOW! I'm the Dragonborn and we'll have some decorum here! This ain't a fancy dress party you know.



Canthiss- Thats better- simple sack hood for you my girl. And dont frown.



Lydia- You can talk! What's with the gimp mask?

Canthiss- It is NOT a gimp mask! How do you even know what a gimp mask is? No, dont answer that.
This is my Mask of Terror- you have to say it like that- in a boomy voice, good isn't it?

Lydia- You're a complete pillock you do know that don't you?

Canthiss- Just shut up and follow me, you know the Dragonborn here, the Hero- lets go find this Dwimmer device thing for your new boyfriend.



Canthiss- Hey I think this might be it. Down there. Come on. Adventure awaits.



Canthiss- This looks like the thing- Dwimmerish isn't it?

Lydia- There are dead people all round it- I have a bad feeling about this.

Canthiss- Oh you always worry, being but a weak and feeble Housecarl- but I am Dragonborn! Fearless, see, its in the job description.

Lydia- Yeah, right next to only idiots need apply.

Canthiss- What was that?

Lydia- Oh nothing. What does that thing do?



Canthiss- Well, its a, um, its a thingy, a whatchimicallit, a thingmibob

Lydia- You don't know. Do you?

Canthiss- Well smarty pants you tell me what it is? Mmm? Not so quick now are we?
Besides I dont need to know, I just need to do what that Doctor fellow asked dont I?
See, simple, done. Well that was easy enough, hardly the stuff of heroes though.



Canthiss- Um, Lydia, was that statue there a minute ago?


To be continued.....

Been having a go with that gif thingy Eldo posted th elink to. Bit glitchy but...


How to deal with bad guys- Skyim style!

Holy shit there's a lot of images on this page. Took forever to load.

GIFs are looking good though.

Enjoyed this ! No idea what its all about but SOOOO funny ! Liked how Dr Who joined the team ! Its a game ? yeah,yeah. but from my perspective, its entertaining & Id love to read/see more !

Its a game ?- Azriel

Yeah Skyrim one of the Elder Scrolls World games.
Although the Doctor isnt in the game! (or Monty Python aliens)

"its entertaining & Id love to read/see more !"

Thank you Azriel, I stopped doing them as they took a fair bit of time and no one seemed that interested in the last few- but I might well do aother and see how it goes if you are enjoying it.

The add libs were very funny !! I certainly WOULD read more.

Then I will put together another one over the course of this week.

can I be in it?

Tricky- in that Id need pics of you and from various angles! I can only use your avator if in every shot you are in you are in the exact same pose and only your head is on screen! (I suppose I could take your head off and tranpslant it onto anothe character, mmmm, I wll see what I can do)

take my head off, who are you? Henry V111.

Not fat enough.